Skies Descending

Adorn my branches with the glimmer of hope
and let my leaves hold the mystery of tomorrow.
For a moment, the clouds form a shadowed halo
around the sun.

My eyes are closed to the battle that wages.
All this time I’ve let the thunder cry
and the lightning sing its song of power,
while I dream.

Behold my roots, trapped under the ground.
They intertwine with the landscape
and nothing of earth can escape their hold
until now.

The skies are descending from the heavens
an unsatisfied chaos of colors from on high
but the storm will pass with dusk
so I wait.

Thank you Jon (wisemann210) for giving me thislovely prompt to work with and getting me to write something again.

I hope it made some amount of sense.

EDIT: Thank you so much to Hannah, Music, Kirsten, and Pen for your reviews!

Hi, CBF! ^_^ It's been too long since I've popped in on one of your works, so I'm here now. ^_^

For a moment, the sun forms a perfect halo

around the clouds.

Well, first of all, this part seems out of place when it's contrasted directly with the orders that are in the first two lines. =( Maybe you can put it as part of another stanza, though I know that would kind of ruin the form thing you have going. I dunno. ^_^ Maybe you can try to work it into another order. Besides that, though, I think the sun would be behind the clouds, right, and not around them? Then perhaps the clouds form a perfect halo around the sun?

They reach all throughout the landscape

and nothing of earth can escape their hold

until now.

I like the imagery here, but the execution is just a bit off. First of all, the word 'throughout' seems too clunky for this part. Maybe you can say they entwine / intertwine with the landscape? I dunno, I just think you can find a more descriptive word to show the spread of the roots. Second of all, I feel like 'until now' is just so cheesy and over-used. D: I don't know how you could fix it, but maybe even just try to say it differently? ^_^

The skies are extending from the heavens

an unsatisfied chaos of colors from high

but the storm will pass after dusk

and I wait.

D; Thiiiis is my least favorite stanza, because the images are not coming through clearly to me. D: Perhaps the skies are descending from the heavens? Like, you mean the rain? o_O; I mean, I can't even tell. And why is the chaos unsatisfied? Can you see that image clearly, because I can't? Also MAYBE you could so that the storm will pass WITH dusk? ^_^ I think that would be nicer, and then you might say 'so' instead of 'and' in that last line.

Overall, Evi-luff, it's pretty good. =P I must say, however, that a lot of the images aren't coming through, so I don't really get a message or theme or anything cohesive from the poem. ^_^ Still, I like it, so I think if you just worked through it a bit more it could become something even more beautiful. Good work!

-Hannah-

Evi, darling! Nice to review for you. One step closer to that 75 reviews by March 16th goal, eh? Hehe.

Anyway, I'm not the most wonderful critic of poetry. *blushes* I shall try for you, dear.

I see you edited the first stanza. I like it this way better. I think it forms wonderful imagery, but you forgot to change it for subject-verb agreement.

For a moment, the clouds form[s]s[/s] a perfect halo

Like Hannah, the last stanza was my favorite.

Overall, wonderful job. I loved the images you created with your words. *high fives Evi*

Gold star for you!

Love,
Music.

one
Evi! Looks like you are to be the first in my hundred review thing. So, shall we stop this pointless chatter and do some reviewing? I think I shall go through it line by line and then do an critique.

Adorn my branches with the glimmer of hope

I like this as a first line, ig drags us into your poem. I love the imagery in this, by which I mean:
Evidently you mean this as a metaphysical thing, yes? Yet it could be physical too, for we could hang something upon a tree's branches to beautify it/ embellish it. I love that, the mixture of physical and metaphysical, concrete and abstract.

and let my leaves hold the mystery of tomorrow.

I'm going to be brutal here, and pick on everything that I don't believe is perfect, simply because I know you're so great at writing and so we shall achieve nothing less than perfection, which, my dear, you are capable of achieving. Right, I do not believe that 'mystery of tomorrow' is a phrase that you should use here. I feel that this is the perfect chance to show off your impressive vocbulary, or perhaps throw in some more imagery? Perhaps you could use something like: The enigma of tomorrow? I know it's not quite what you were trying to achieve, but enigma opens new doors. Mystery is a rather biased adjective, or so to speak, as it implies something incredible is going to happen. The same could be said of enigma, but seeing as the word means unique I think that perhaps it could throw open some doors, yes? You could then go on to talk more of this. I'm not saying you should use enigma, I'm merely suggesting that perhaps you could choose another word and expand upon this idea?

For a moment, the clouds form a perfect halo

This line is rather abrupt, one minute you are talking of hope, the next of clouds forming a perfect halo around the sun. Furthermore I think this is phrased slightly strangely. I think, although I could be wrong, that you signifying the fact that the clouds are about to eclipse the sun, yes? Maybe not, but I just don't think this line does anything for your poem. I can't really picture the clouds forming a 'perfect halo' around the sun. Further furthermore, how can a noun be perfect? Unless you mean it is beautiful and pristine, or that it is complete? Actually, I realise how strange that last part about nouns and perfect sounds, I know what I'm trying to say but it just doesn't make sense there. Basically, I'd completely change this stanza, I'll try and remember to come onto this later.

around the sun.



My eyes are closed to the battle that wages.

This furthered my thoughts on the clouds about to eclipse the sun, which signifies something deeper, eh?

All this time I’ve let the thunder cry

and the lightning sing its song of power,

while I dream.

Ah, so the initial stanza was a dream? Or a dream like phase? I still believe the second stanza's introduction is too abrupt. Here's the thing:
If the clouds are forming a 'perfect halo' you're implying that it is lovely &c. but now you go on to tell us that there's thunder and lightning? You sort of contradict yourself in this poem, dear Evi. But do not most of us dream while the world is going on without us? So here I think you're signifying guilt?

Behold my roots, trapped under the ground.

They intertwine with the landscape

and nothing of earth can escape their hold

To burst your bubble, I think they can. What about the earth miles and miles and miles and miles away? It is not affected by the roots of a far away tree, no Enid Blyton pun intended. xD So technically somethings of earth can escape the tree's hold. I think you're trying to signify here that the tree has some hold over people which is perhaps connected to guilt.

until now.



The skies are descending from the heavens

Who is to say that the skies start at the heavens? Is not heaven thought to be beyond the sky? Anyway, that's just opinion, rather subjective, just ignore me.

an unsatisfied chaos of colors from high

Might just be me, but I think this sentence's ending is too abrupt. High what? To me it feels as if you've missed a word. Maybe have a-high.

but the storm will pass with dusk

so I wait.

Eeek, I'm not too sure about the ending.

Okay, Evi, dear Evi, Evi dear. Anyway, all joking aside I did like this, although it may seem I did not. Some of the imagery you project just isn't clear enough and just not up to, y'know... Evi standard.

However! Yes, there is a however. You may have wrote this, with all of its rather abstract imagery for a purpose. Maybe it is deliberately written this way to portray a deeper meaning. A philosophy perhaps?


Behind these words lies great truth...
Okay, I always like to make my little philosophical guesses at what the author is trying to portray when writing a poem. What they feel and what they're trying to get us to feel.

These opinions of mine are often very subjective and often wrong, so don't feel that I am by any means correct or anything, although I'd be glad if I was. xD

In this poem I had the feeling that you were trying to portray guilt? The beginning implied;

The tree, you started with a tree, perhaps because trees grow, and the top of the tree, and the leaves eventually erode away/ fall off. So the parts are parts of you?

Then the clouds being 'perfect', the matter of the adjective not really fitting the context. The imagery in my head was really strong here, I could see clouds moving, coming closer and closer together, (that's why it was only for a moment) until they've eclipsed the sun. The ecliption, don't think that is a word but...
is perhaps signifying that you are forgetting what you've done, but you don't want to. This was furthered by your talk of thunder and such whilst you were dreaming.

So I think the tree was perhaps to signify new growth, something of yourself being lost, but you don't want to lose it, because it is the only thing keeping your guilt for something you've done.

Well, I'm probably wrong, but I've made my guess. So now we shall talk more of your poem:


Imagery - abstract vs too abstract
I love abstract imagery, the ones that are hard to comprehend and set about the poem an air of beauty.

Your imagery made your poem beautiful, Evi, but I'm not sure it's quite how you'd like it.
I know you're trying to portray something here, and we're quite aware that you are extremely talented and that your imagery is great, so perhaps we could tone it down a little? Just so people can understand it.

See, your imagery is beautiful, but it is rather similar to that of a bear's:

We think it is beautiful, we like the look of it, but we don't understand it, we can't reach out and touch it or anything. It's just there, staring back at us, beautiful, but we can't embrace it and love it for what it truly is.

Be abstract, but not too abstract.

Abstract imagery is lovely, just make sure you even it out with some concrete too.

Anyway, I did like this poem, and should you revise it you should most definitely pm me so that I can re-review it, or so to speak.

Hope I helped;
~Kirsten

Evi, as always, your writing is lovely. I wish I had at least a fraction of the talent you do.

However! I had to reread your poem a couple of times to find the rhythm. Even after that, it still isn't very apparent. Like, the last line of the first stanza is four syllables, but the last lines of the other stanzas are three syllables.

I like the mood/tone of this poem. You convey this feeling of a tree - slow and without much ability to take action. The poem seems very relaxedand it's easy to slip into it.

I do agree with Lost_in_Dreamland; "perfect", in my opinion, is the wrong word to describe the clouds. It just oesn't fit into the context of the storm and whatnot.

Your imagery is beautiful, and except for the whole "perfect" thing, your word choice is fine.

Now, I cannot possibly hope to compete with these other wonderful reviews, but I do hope that this helped. I shall now give you a gold star. PM me if you have any questions.

AMAZING!



SUCH A TALENT!
Just a few typos

great
job




Now, I cannot possibly hope to compete with these other wonderful reviews, but I do hope that this helped. I shall now give you a gold star. PM me if you have any questions.