(I had to look it up in the dictionary)
Sorry this review took so long but my internet is slow at the moment -.-
I stood there for a moment not wanting to go down and then have Ma find out later, but not wanting to stay on the hill either. Finally, my loneliness won out, and just before scurrying down after Thalia, I grabbed [s]the[/s] Sasha in my hand with Marta. I scrambled down the embankment, weeds cracking in my wake, and into the same bushes that Thalia had gone into moments ago. Really liked the last line... just so you know
I crawled in, the leaves rustling as I moved forward. Thalia saw me and, her eyebrows once again drawn[s] in[/s] into a V, shushed me. That last sentence did not quite do it for me... Maybe you should change it to something along the lines of: When Thalia spotted me, she shushed me, her eyebrows once again drawn into a V We gazed with wide eyes at the stranger who was, by now, almost level with our hiding spot. It was a wonder that the person hadn’t’ seen us yet, what with all our noise-making when we crashed down the hillside. Then again, we had hidden behind the scant trees and the stranger looked like they were only concentrating on where they were going. Every few feet, the cloaked person stopped and swayed, but always continued on after a second or so. Loved the entire paragraph
It reached our spot and my heart pounded so loud in my chest I thought for sure it would give us away! Some stray dust from it’s passage seeped into my nostrils. What exactly do you mean by 'some strange dust from it's passage'? Do you mean the passage of the cloaked person? Maybe you should make it a tad more obvious? Don't know though because it could be just me
“Ah-ah-ah-choo!” I sneezed.
Thalia whipped her head around and her expression was so fierce I froze, my finger under
my nose. I squirmed and the bush rattled, [s]a [/s] giving very small sound. Suddenly, I wondered if my sneeze had alerted the stranger to our presence. That last sentence did not make sense.. of course she was wondering if the sneeze had alerted the stranger of their presence, she did not just suddenly wonder this! Maybe you should change it to: I hoped with all my might that the sneeze had not alerted the stranger to our presence.
My worries weren’t in vain: the stranger had stopped and seemed to be waiting for something. Thalia and I froze, enmity forgotten for the moment, and threw each other terrified looks. If we got caught we’d never hear the end of it from Ma. After a heart-pounding few seconds, the stranger moved on and we gave a collective sigh of relief. Could not find anything wrong here!
Just as we thought we were safe, the figure whirled around and faced the bushes where we hid. We froze once more in shock, not daring to look at each other, or even to [s]barely [/s]breathe. The person took a step back toward us, then called out, “Who’s there?”
It had a deep voice, so we knew then that it was a man. He took another step and we shrank together, trying to become one with the dark shadows we hid in under our cover. Hmm... not too sure about that. 'Trying to become one with the dark shadows we hid in under our cover? Maybe you should change it to: trying to become part of the shadows we hid in. We could make out the bottom of his cloak, the dusty, worn path, and his booted feet as he took another step.
“Who’s there?” he called again, “I know you’re there-you can’t hide from me!” Another step. Why add a hyphen in between 'there' and 'you'?[/b]
And just like that, before I could stop her-nay, [b]I don't understand that... 'her-nay'?before I even knew what she was doing-Thalia burst from our hiding spot, and stood defiantly before the man. “Who’re you?” she asked, rather rudely I thought.
“Y-you’re just a child!” the man exclaimed, not answering her question. “B-but such power…! Remove the exclamation mark I thought for sure…”
“Who are you?” Thalia snapped at the man, who seemed taken aback by her abrupt nature. “What do you want?”
The man sighed, sounding exasperated at my sister -even I, being only six at the time, could tell that. “Why should I answer to [s]that of [/s] a child? There is no reason that I see!” he curtly replied.
Since I was still underneath the cover of bushes, I could only see their feet, and a little bit of their legs. Thalia’s stance looked determined, but the man’s was slightly bent, and he kept shifting his weight from side to side occasionally while Thalia stood without moving.
Thalia huffed and I saw her foot start to tap the ground when the man asked, “A better question, I should think, is who are you?”
My sibling continued her persistent foot tapping and I could have bet all I owned then and there that she was glowering at him, too.
“Who are you?” the man repeated, still ignoring my sister’s growing annoyance.
Thalia stood there, not moving an inch. After a moment’s silence, she said, “I am Thalia Brownstone, and this is—“she stuttered to a stop, realizing, I think, for the first time that I wasn’t there beside her. “Evie, come here!” she demanded.
I shivered, and the leaves of the bush quivered, almost, but not quite, like a [s]breezed[/s] breeze blowing past. I didn’t want to go stand by my sister (who, I admit, I admired, and wanted to be like which would be the reason why I followed her around all the time) where a stranger would scrutinize me, and make me feel awkward, and then they’d start to talk like I wasn’t even there. That last sentence was too long, trying split it up into smaller sentences.
When I didn’t answer her in any way, she called again, her voice sharp with impatience, “Evie! Come here! Now!”
I gulped and slowly rolled myself free from the tangling brown hands of my shelter. I came to my knees in a pool of dust, coughed, and lifted my head. Thalia was looking at me, impatience once again on here face, and I fleetingly wondered if she was going to wear that look every time she looked at me from now on. More often that not, lately that had been her only look for me, instead of the patient, kind expression that I’d come to know in years past. Silently, she flapped her hand at me, beckoning me to stand beside mer. I got up off the ground and unwillingly went by her side, quivering slightly, as I glanced at the stranger. Remove the comma after 'slightly'... besides that I really liked this paragraph!
He was tall and his cloak, I could now tell, was made from wool and dyed a dark gray-black. His face was still in the hood covered in shadow, but, so quickly I almost thought I’d imagine it, I caught a glimpse of his eyes. They flashed darkly once in the sunlight and then were driven back into the shadows. I shivered again, that glimpse of his eyes not frightening me exactly, more like I got the sense that he could do horrible things if he chose, but, I also had the feeling that he wouldn’t unless he absolutely had to. The sensation reminded me of when you’re talking to someone and they seem to pay attention because they look at you, but really their mind is somewhere else and they truly could care less what you have to say. This stranger would be the one who was pretending to listen, and everyone else would be nothing compared to him. Did not really understand that last sentence... try re wording it. We were like flies just waiting to get swatted. He was the predator, we were his prey. That was what the flash of his eyes told me. There were many ways to describe it, but basically it all came down to a few things. He was powerful, and he was dangerous, not someone to be trifled with.
I shivered again and Thalia, in a gesture of comfort, put her arm around me as she said, “This is my sister, Evangeline.” I made a face at how she introduced me, and I could tell by the wicked way she was grinning that it was payback for when I wouldn’t come out of the bushes.
Even after Thalia’s introduction, the man said nothing. I could tell it was getting on Thalia’s nerves; every few seconds she’d let out a little huff of air, and her arms were crossed over her chest. I knew she was irked because that was the way she reacted to me one time when we were helping Pa in the bar, and I couldn’t shovel the old hay fast enough to suit her when she needed to put fresh down.
Finally, with one last huff, Thalia growled intolerantly, “In this land, sir, it is customary to tell who you are after someone else has introduced themselves.”
The man snapped quite suddenly, “I still see no reason to explain myself to a girl of your stature!” Then after a moment in which we were all silent, the man sighed. “I am sorry,” he said. “My name…is Malc and I—“
Unexpectedly, he broke off, letting out a moan that was more of a scratching cry than anything else. He clutched at this stomach and side with one [s]hang[/s] hand, and stretched out the other, grasping the air for something that wasn’t there. Malc stumbled and fell to one knee while we watched, dumbfounded, at the scene unfolding before us. Slowly, he sank into the dust, his dark cloak billowing out with pockets of air as he finally crumpled and lay motionless on the road.
)
Finally, my loneliness won out, and just before scurrying down after Thalia, I grabbed the Sasha in my hand with Marta.
She burnt me with the flames from her eyes, and I sat back, still fighting.
“Ah-ah-ah-choo!” I sneezed.
We froze once more in shock, not daring to look at each other, or even to barely breathe.
Thalia saw me and, her eyebrows once again drawn in a V, shushed me
I grabbed the Sasha in my hand with Marta.
It reached our spot and my heart pounded so loud in my chest I thought for sure it would give us away!
Some stray dust from it’s passage seeped into my nostrils.
It was not good.
She burnt me with the flames from her eyes, and I sat back, still fighting.
“Ah-ah-ah-choo!” I sneezed.
We froze once more in shock, not daring to look at each other, or even to barely breathe.
The person took a step back toward us, then called out, “Who’s there?”
“Who’s there?” he called again, “I know you’re there-you can’t hide from me!”
Thalia burst from our hiding spot, and stood defiantly before the man.
There is no reason that I see!” he curtly replied.
Thalia huffed and I saw her foot start to tap the ground when the man asked, “A better question, I should think, is who are you?”
“I am Thalia Brownstone, and this is—“she stuttered to a stop,
A little tip: When you're working in Word, put an "I" or something at the end of the dash just to get the quotes correct.I didn’t want to go stand by my sister (who, I admit, I admired, and wanted to be like which would be the reason why I followed her around all the time) where a stranger would scrutinize me,
More often that not, lately that had been her only look for me,
Silently, she flapped her hand at me, beckoning me to stand beside her.
That was what the flash of his eyes told me. [s]There were many ways to describe it, but basically it all came down to a few things.[/s] He was powerful, and he was dangerous, not someone to be trifled with.
I knew she was irked because that was the way she reacted to me one time when we were helping Pa in the barn, and I couldn’t shovel the old hay fast enough to suit her when she needed to put fresh down.
He clutched at this stomach and side with one hand, and
Slowly, he sank into the dust, his dark cloak billowing out with pockets of air as he finally crumpled and lay motionless on the road.
I grabbed the Sasha in my hand with Marta.
And just like that, before I could stop her-nay, before I even knew what she was doing-Thalia burst from our hiding spot, and stood defiantly before the man.
Silently, she flapped her hand at me, beckoning me to stand beside mer.
He clutched at this stomach and side with one hang,
125,029 Literary Works • 672,784 Reviews
