Crying Moon {1}

Crying Moon
by *writewatiwant*

Chapter {1} Black Wings

I saw her again. She spent her day at the same room. This time, she sat at the wooden floor, her back against a corner, her face was buried in her knees, hugged by her arms.
She wasn’t crying, but her eyes were merely dry. She was holding onto her pain, making it stronger.
My eyes were wet, due to the view of such misery. I barged into the room, leaving the wide window fully opened. She heard me, but didn’t looked up, embraced in her torture. I drew in closer, very slowly.
Her brown hair was wet and water trailed down her arms.
“I can help you,” I said, in the most calming voice I could provide.
She ignored me.
“I can ease your pain.”
With the sound of a promise of hope, her green eyes opened and searched through the wall of her arms for the person that offered such thing.
I was expecting a question like “Who are you?”, or something. It would be the normal reaction of a human, when they see a boy with wings . She looked at me, better; saw through me, piercing me with her eyes.
“How old are you?” she asked with a soft voice.
“How old am I?”
This girl meets some stranger with wings and asks how old he is.
Her eyes told me she was confused. I couldn’t hear her thoughts.
I could only read people’s minds when they were concentrated on their pain. Now, she was distracted by the strange creature that entered by her window.
She was not afraid of me. I looked human after all, except for the wings.
“You don’t need to know. I am here to help you.”
“I don’t need help,” she said. She closed her eyes again and locked herself in her pain.
I am not hurt. I am not broken, she repeated in her thoughts.
If I’d tell her she was in need, then she would never let me help her. She would be too much in denial. I would have to mend her indirectly.
“Fine.”
I turned around and jumped to the border of the window; I looked back to her. I was leaving.
“What could you do, anyway? You’re just a boy with wings,” she murmured.
I smiled and flew off. Either that was the little bit of sanity she had left or she was starting to realize it.

* * *

I have no home. I rise from the water, bend to the earth, bury fire and fly on the air. I have got no house, no room, no bed.
I usually sleep on a cloud. Those cotton heavenly beds, take me to wherever the wind decided to run.
I have helped many people. Most cases were successful, saving them from the shadows and pain, but others ended tragically.
This girl was my last case. Our creators, the Ancient or Elders, decided I could not do the purpose of my existence anymore. I would probably be extinguished. Killed.
The Ancient control and watch us, the Healers, so that we do our job properly. It seemed I got too attached to people. I helped them, becoming their friend, their listener, and their confident. It hurt me to leave them, and as hurt accumulates, they were afraid I’d lose myself to the shadows.
There is no Good and Evil in my world. There can only exist balance. And to maintain that balance, the Ancient also created the Heart breakers. They break, we heal.
They usually attached themselves by the emotional side; romantically. They can’t feel, but they can lie and pretend pretty well. Most times they date someone for at least six months. Sometimes they go overboard and propose or even marry them, but they normally didn’t had the time to do so. Healing can take as long or even longer then breaking.
There exist few Heart breakers all over the world, because humans have flaws, and they mostly hurt themselves alone.
I descended from the sky. The sun was hidden between the heavy clouds, carrying the rain.
Winter, it was. We were still in the rain; a few weeks away from the snow. Children played in pools formed by the rain, and their happy laughter filled the air. I watched them with a smile, that faded as I flew passt them, knowing that some years from now, one of the Healers, would probably visit them, trying to heal the broken innocence.

Wow.

This was awesome.

*Gold stars*

Now for the "review" (if I can find anything...):

With the sound of a promise of hope, her green eyes opened and searched throw the wall of her arms for the person that offered such thing.

Errr. I'm thinking you meant "through the wall". Then again, if that's what you meant, it doesn't make much sense...

This girl meets some stranger with winds and asks how old he is.

Sarcasm doesn't fit here...

There is no Good and Evil on my world. There’s balance. And to equilibrate the world, the Ancient also created the Heart breakers. They break, we heal.

If there is balance, why did the Ancient creat Heart Breakers to equilibrate the world, if its already balanced? Am I making sense?

haha that's all I have....it was wonderful! I hope to see a continuation. PM me!

JC

Hello! It's Dahlia, remember me from the chat?

*writewatiwant* wrote:I saw her again. She spent her day at the same room. This time, she sat on the wooden floor, her back against a corner, [s]with[/s] her face was buried in her knees and her arms hugged her legs.
She wasn’t crying, but her eyes were merely dry. She was holding onto her pain[s];[/s] making it stronger.
My eyes were wet, due to the view of such misery. I barged into the room, leaving the wide window fully opened. She heard me, but didn’t look up, embraced in her torture. I drew in closer to her[s], very slowly.[/s]
Her brown hair was wet and water trailed down her arms. [s]She was wearing a black skirt and a grey t-shirt.[/s]

What do you mean by "her eyes were merely dry"? If she's not crying we know they're drying. Take that out. She's crying that much? Oh, and I took the last sentence out because it seemed more like an afterthought.

I was expecting a question like “Who are you?”, or something. It would be the normal reaction of a human, when they see a boy with wings fly to them. She looked at me, better; saw through me, piercing me with her eyes.

You never told us he was flying to her.

“How old am I?” I asked a bit frustrated.

I don't like the repetition for "asked" and why is he frustrated?

I could only read people’s minds when they were concentrated on their pain. Now, she was distracted by the strange creature that entered through her window.

She was not afraid of me. I looked human after all, except for the wings. My messy brown hair did look a bit alike with the surfer cut.

Take out the part about his hair. it seems like an afterthought again.

Either that was the little bit of sanity she had left or she was starting to realize it.

Tell us what "it" is.

I have no home. I rise from the water, bend to the earth, bury fire and fly on the air. I have got no house, no room, no bed.

Good description, all but the "bury fire". That makes no sense to me.

I have helped many people. Most cases were successful, saving them from the shadows and pain, but others ended tragically.

This is a really poor transition. Fix it.

This girl was my last case. Our creators, the Ancient or Elders, decided I could not do the purpose of my existence anymore. I would probably be extinguished. Killed.

"decided I could not do the purpose of my..." doesn't sound right. Re-word it.

The Ancient control and watch us, the Healers, so that we do our job properly. It seemed I got too attached to people. I helped them, becoming their friend, their listener, and their confidant. It hurt me to leave them, and as hurt accumulates, they were afraid I’d lose myself to the shadows.
There is no Good and Evil on my world. There’s balance. And to equilibrate the world, the Ancient also created the Heartbreakers. They break, we heal.

The Heartbreakers usually attached themselves to the emotional side; romantically. They can’t feel, but they can lie and pretend pretty well. They usually date someone for at least six months. Sometimes they go overboard and propose or even marry them, but they normally didn’t have the time to do so. Healing can take as long or even longer then breaking.

Who are "them"? Tell us. Also, take out the last sentence, it seems like an afterthought.

There exist few Heart breakers all over the world, because humans have flaws, and they mostly hurt themselves alone.

This doesn't make sense...

I descended fro the sky. The sun was hidden between the heavy clouds, carrying the rain.
It was winter. We were still in the rain; a few weeks away from the snow. Children played in pools formed by the rain, and their happy laughs filled the air. I watched them with a smile, that faded as I flew passed them, knowing that some years from now, one of the Healers, would probably visit them, trying to heal the broken innocence.

I thought this was interesting, and very creative. I think you have a really good idea right here.

Now, your descriptions are poor. They don't fit well into your piece and you either lack them or put them in as an info-dump or you just randomly squeeze them somewhere. Take better care with your descriptions and try to use more imagery, metaphors, similes, etc. to really paint your picture.

The person your MC is helping is unbelievable. It might help if you told us what was causing her pain. Also her reaction to the MC appearing in her room was very unbelievable. Try to either explain her reaction or change it.

I hope I helped you in some way!

---Dahlia

*writewatiwant* wrote: She was wearing a black skirt and a grey t-shirt.

I agree with the review above mine that this seems like more of an after thought, and it doesn't really seem significant to the story. (No offense)

*writewatiwant* wrote: My messy brown hair did look a bit alike with the surfer cut.

agreeing with the previous comment again on how this appears to be more of an after though, also this doesn't seem vital to the story.

*writewatiwant* wrote: If I’d tell her she was in need, then she would never let me help her. She would be too much in denial. I would have to mend her indirectly.

How is it that she previously looked at him because he promised her hope, yet now she's turning it down? I'm sorry, it just confused me a little.

*writewatiwant* wrote: I have no home. I rise from the water, bend to the earth, bury fire and fly on the air. I have got no house, no room, no bed.

I don't think you really need to go into detail on how he doesn't have a house, room or bed. To me just saying that he has no home gets the point across well enough without over-doing the detail.

*writewatiwant* wrote: Those cotton heavenly beds, take me to wherever the wind decided to run.

wouldn't you use either "took me to wherever the wind decided to run." or "take me to wherever the wind decides to run." Also I think you could have used a different verb instead of run. Run sounds too plain and ordinary. (Does that make any sense?)

*writewatiwant* wrote: I watched them with a smile, that faded as I flew passed them,

I don't think the comma between the "smile" and "that" is really necessary. You make it into two separate thoughts when I don't think it should be. Then again I may be wrong.

But I loved your story over all! I thought it was beautiful and very... expressive. I still haven't gotten over the initial awe of how well you put this together. Though you seem to have a little bit of trouble with detailing your story, it's still very good and you can definitely make it better with just a small bit of improvement.

(Please don't take any offense by anything I may have said! I would feel so bad if you did. I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to help a little.)

JC: Thanks!

Dahlia: Of course I remembered you! How are you? Many thanks for your very detailed review!

Rhiannon: Do not worry, dear. I will take no advise as an offence! Thanks for your help and welcome to YWS! If you need anything PM me!

Hi, Kat! *hugs*

I saw her again. She spent her day at the same room. This time, she sat at the wooden floor, her back against a corner; her face was buried in her knees, hugged by her arms.
She wasn’t crying, though; [s]but[/s] her eyes were merely dry. She was holding onto her pain[s];[/s], making it stronger.
My eyes were wet (I thought you said they were merely dry?), due to the view of such misery. I barged into the room, leaving the wide window fully opened. She heard me, but didn’t look[s]ed[/s] up, embraced in her torture. I drew in closer, very slowly.
Her brown hair was wet and water trailed down her arms. [s]She was wearing a black skirt and a grey t-shirt.[/s] (As others have stated, this sounds like an afterthought)
“I can help you,” I said[s],[/s] in the most calming voice I could provide.
She ignored me.
“I can ease your pain.”
With the sound of a promise of hope, her green eyes opened and searched through the wall of her arms for the person that offered such thing.
I was expecting a question like, “Who are you?”, or something. It would be the normal reaction of a human[s],[/s] when they see a boy with wings. She looked at me, better; saw through me, piercing me with her eyes.
“How old are you?” [s]S[/s]she asked with a soft voice.
“How old am I?”
This girl meets some stranger with wings and asks how old he is.
Her eyes told me she was confused. I couldn’t hear her thoughts.
I could only read people’s minds when they were concentrated on their pain. Now, she was distracted by the strange creature that entered by her window.
She was not afraid of me. I looked human after all, except for the wings. My messy brown hair did look a bit alike with the surfer cut.
“You don’t need to know. I am here to help you.”
“I don’t need help,” she said. She closed her eyes again and locked herself in her pain.
I am not hurt. I am not broken, she repeated in her thoughts.
If I’d tell her she was in need, then she would never let me help her. She would be too much in denial. I would have to mend her indirectly.
“Fine.”
I turned around and jumped to the border of the window; I looked back to her. I was leaving.
“What could you do, anyway? You’re just a boy with wings,” she murmured.
I smiled and flew off. Either that was the little bit of sanity she had left or she was starting to realize it.

* * *

I have no home. I rise from the water, bend to the earth, bury fire, and fly on the air. I have got no house, no room, no bed.
I usually sleep on a cloud. Those cotton, heavenly beds[s],[/s] take me to wherever the wind decided to run.
I have helped many people. Most cases were successful, saving them from the shadows and pain, but others ended tragically.
This girl was my last case. Our creators, the Ancients, or Elders (You do mean that the Ancients are the Elders, right?), decided I could not do the purpose of my existence anymore. I would probably be extinguished. Killed.
The Ancients control and watch us, the Healers, so that we do our job properly. It seemed I got too attached to people. I helped them, becoming their friend, their listener, and their confid[s]e[/s]ant. It hurt me to leave them, and as hurt accumulates, they were afraid I’d lose myself to the shadows.
There is no Good and Evil [s]o[/s]in my world. There’s balance. And to equilibrate the world, the Ancients also created the Heart breakers. They break, we heal.
They usually attached themselves by the emotional side; romantically. They can’t feel, but they can lie and pretend pretty well. Most times they date someone for at least six months. Sometimes they go overboard and propose[s]d[/s] or even marr[s]ied[/s]y them, but they normally didn’t ha[s]d[/s]ve the time to do so. Healing can take as long or even longer then breaking.
There exist few Heart breakers all over the world, because humans have flaws, and they mostly hurt themselves alone.
I descended f[s]ro[/s]or the sky. The sun was hidden between the heavy clouds, carrying the rain.
Winter, it was. We were still in the rain; a few weeks away from the snow. Children played in pools formed by the rain, and their happy laugh[s]s[/s]ter filled the air. I watched them with a smile[s],[/s] that faded as I flew pass[s]ed[/s]t them, knowing that some years from now, one of the Healers[s],[/s] would probably visit them, trying to heal the broken innocence.

Hey Kat! I loved this! I think it's a great start for a story!
I loved the concept of it. I want to know if he'll help that woman or not. If there will be a romance between them. I'm experiencing suspense.
Keep me posted when you post more! (As in drop by my Will Review For Food thread!) Bye now!

All the mistakes in grammar/spelling/general have been mentioned already, so this is gonna be one of those useless "I loved your story" posts! x] But yeah, I loved your story. It's a cool idea... just don't make it too much like the film 'City of Angels', if you've seen it. I think this has a lot of potential, so long as you don't wade into cliche.

Well, I hope to read more. Hopefully next time I'll see it earlier and be able to give more input.

Lauren

Lauren: Well, none review is useless. The writer needs support so, thank you! And no I have not seen that film... *runs off to see it*

I didn't read any of the other reviews, so sorry if I repeat stuff ...

I saw her again [how about you tell us when he saw her again?]. She spent her day at the same room. This time, she sat at the wooden floor, her back against a corner, her face was buried in her knees, hugged by her arms.

She wasn’t crying, but her eyes were just barely dry. She was holding onto her pain, making it stronger. [I think you need to expand this sentence. How does holding on make it stronger? Or do you mean greater?]

My eyes were wet due to the sight of such misery. I barged into the room, leaving the wide window fully opened. She heard me, but didn’t look up, embraced in her torture. I drew in closer, very slowly.

Her brown hair was wet, and water trailed down her arms.

“I can help you,” I said, in the most calming voice I could provide.

She ignored me.

“I can ease your pain.”

With the sound of a promise of hope, her green eyes opened and searched through the wall of her arms for the person that offered such a thing.

I was expecting a question like “Who are you?” or something - it would be the normal reaction of a human at the sight of a boy with wings . She looked at me, better;[switch the punctuation marks - "better" belongs to the second part] saw through me, piercing me with her eyes.

“How old are you?” she asked with a soft voice.

“How old am I?”

This girl meets some stranger with wings and asks how old he is. [I would put that so it shows us he's thinking it, because this way, it doesn't really fit into the flow, especially tense-wise. If you know what I mean]

Her eyes told me she was confused. I couldn’t hear her thoughts. I could only read people’s minds when they were concentrating on their pain. Now, she was distracted by the strange creature that had entered her room through the window.

She was not afraid of me. I looked human after all, except for the wings.

“You don’t need to know. I am here to help you.”

“I don’t need help,” she said. She closed her eyes again and locked herself in her pain.

I am not hurt. I am not broken, she repeated in her thoughts.

If I’d tell her she was in need, then she would never let me help her. She would be too much in denial. I would have to mend her indirectly.

“Fine.”

I turned around and jumped to the border of the window; I looked back to her. I was leaving. [Him saying "I was leaving" is unneccesary, I think, as he's at the window and all that.]

“What could you do, anyway? You’re just a boy with wings,” she murmured.

I smiled and flew off. That was either the little bit of sanity she had left, or she was starting to realize it. [Realize what? Make that clearer]

* * *

I have no home. I rise from the water, bend to the earth, bury fire and fly on the air. I have got no house, no room, no bed.

I usually sleep on a cloud. Those cotton heavenly beds take me to wherever the wind decides to run.

I have helped many people. Most cases were successful, saving them from the shadows and pain, but others ended tragically.

This girl was my last case. Our creators, the Ancients or Elders, decided I could not do the purpose of my existence anymore [This sounds a little awkward. Maybe replace "do" with "fulfill" or something]. I would probably be extinguished. Killed.

The Ancients control and watch us, the Healers, so that we do our job properly. It seemed I got too attached to people. I helped them, becoming their friend, their listener, and their confident. It hurt me to leave them, and as hurt accumulates, they were afraid I’d lose myself to the shadows.

There is no Good and Evil in my world. Only balance can exist. And to maintain that balance, the Ancients also created the Heartbreakers. They break, we heal.

They usually attached themselves by the emotional side [make this just emotionally]; romantically. They can’t feel, but they can lie and pretend pretty well. Most times they date someone for at least six months. Sometimes they go overboard and propose or even marry them, but they normally don't have the time to do so. Healing can take as long or even longer then breaking.

There exist few Heartbreakers all over the world, because humans have flaws, and they mostly hurt themselves alone. [I don't really get the meaning of this sentence. Where's the fact that there are only a few Heartbreakers connected to humans hurting alone? - Clear that up!]

I descended from the sky. The sun was hidden between the heavy clouds, carrying the rain.

Winter, it was. We were still in the rain; a few weeks away from the snow. Children played in pools formed by the rain, and their happy laughter filled the air. I watched them with a smile, a smile that faded as I flew past them, knowing that some years from now, one of the Healers would probably visit them, trying to heal the broken innocence.

Again, this was good Good job!
You made some punctuation mistakes and sometimes, the structure of your sentences and thus the meaning wasn't very clear, but overall, I really liked it.
You managed to convey the boy's feeling really well, but for the part of introducing the different "races", I'd suggest you maybe let the boy think of something that happened. Like, the Heartbreakers doing something that caused a major "event". You know what I mean?
Because right now, it doesn't really fit well and seems awkward in that context - you're basically just dumping rather "random" information on us. You know?

Hope you continue soon - message me, alright?
MySunshine

This was a little more interesting. I could actually get into this, but there still are a few things you're lacking. Emotion for one, descriptions for another. I can't get a good picture on where he's at, what he looks like, or...anything really. But the words were catchy.

The rest of my review is in the attachment.

Thanks Sunshine! *happy dances*

Suzie, I believe there's something in your review, and in some of the aboves, that have misunderstood something in a sentence.

She wasn’t crying, but her eyes were merely dry. She was holding onto her pain, making it stronger.

My eyes got wet, due to the view of such misery.

Her eyes were merely dry, and his got wet, to the sight of such misery.