Sentiment

How is it that I should go about this,
the transcription of what you mean to me?
Words on a page are, after all, nothing more than
shapes and curves of an idea the author didn’t care to say aloud.

You are so much more to me than a shape, or a word.
You are so much more to me than this pen will ever know to express.

You’re the end of the world, I suppose,
if such a thing can be considered possible.
There is no conceivable life after you.
What would be the point?
You paint everything I am with vivid splashes of colour and brilliance.
You line my everything with something and bring
an unexpected smile upon my face.

I do love how you can always manage to do that.

The sight of your shoulders in the morning…
bearing the weight of your restless night before.
To sink within your arms and rest is heaven.
I will never tell you so, for I cannot think how to utter such things.

I am ashamed to feel this way
but I am not ashamed to feel this.
I am not ashamed to lie with you and whisper,
the things I say mere shards and fragments of what I feel.
I expect, most times, you see through my vague approach
and know what it is I mean to say, and understand
why I cannot say it.

There is love within my chest for you.

I suspect it has been there long before I first met you,
long before I first woke to the sight of you and
the warmth of your fingertips.

If the brilliance on your behalf fades,
then I might keep these words to remind me
of what once burned within.
And if it doesn’t fade, as I hope it might not,
I may show them to you one day,
and hope you see within them what I’d like to say aloud.

This pen is artificial in its attempt to make real my expression,
but the sentiment is true enough.

What I wished to prove by this was
my unacknowledged love.

Hi, Shini! I loved this poem [like your other poems. You're a very good poet! Haha.]

Anyway, I'm not familiar with schemes or anything but I liked however this was laid out, even if it didn't rhyme.

My favorite lines were these:

I suspect it has been there long before I first met you,

long before I first woke to the sight of you and

the warmth of your fingertips.



If the brilliance on your behalf fades,

then I might keep these words to remind me

of what once burned within.

And if it doesn’t fade, as I hope it might not,

I may show them to you one day,

and hope you see within them what I’d like to say aloud.



This pen is artificial in its attempt to make real my expression,

but the sentiment is true enough.



What I wished to prove by this was

my unacknowledged love.


Overall, great poem. I love what the theme was. Great meaning.

Bye!

Thanks Music! I was scared this wasn't going to get any comments at all, but here you are to save the day, hehe. Glad you liked it!!

Hiya!

One thing that got to me was line-length. I found it hurt some stanzas to have such a long line in the middle. If you put it at the end of a stanza it's okay, but when it's in the middle (especially if it's followed by such a short line) I find it wrecks the flow.

A couple of lines that confused me where these:

I am ashamed to feel this way
but I am not ashamed to feel this.

I think this poem would be better if you explained some of these feelings. So, a line saying how you're ashamed to feel, and maybe "about you" after "but I am not ashamed to feel this." Dunno. That might just be me.

Overall, this was amazing. I love the way you've tied words to love, and how inatiquet they are for expressing deep feelings. Nice work! ^_^

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Overall, I thought this was a beautiful poem. However, there are a few nit-picky things I can critique.

The sight of your shoulders in the morning…

bearing the weight of your restless night before.

1) You don't need the ellipses.
2) This is a fragment. Maybe you could say "I see..." or even just "Your shoulders in the morning/bear the weight of your restless night before."

I am not ashamed to lie with you and whisper,

the things I say mere shards and fragments of what I feel.

I'd move the comma from after "whisper" to after "the things I say", as that's where the natural pause seems to be.

Overall, really good job! Keep writing!

Thanks you two, I'll take everything you said on board and have another look at the lines you highlighted. This isn't one I've shown to anyone before so an outside opinion is useful to me because of course there are things you can see a thousand times and still miss, haha.

Hey Shini! I don't think I've reviewed anything by you just yet, so here goes! =)

To begin with, I've read, reviewed, and experienced more different kind of poetry than this is, so it may affect a little to my view of this poem. I try not to let it have any influence, though, but you never know.


First, I liked the strong and quite determined way of expression. This, however, flattens it a little:

You’re the end of the world, I suppose,

if such a thing can be considered possible.

You're letting the insecureness show in this bit, which I'm not sure if I like, because I tend to like determination in general, haha. Although it's true that people are insecure at times, and at times they're not, so it can be the same way in poetry, too – because after all, poetry is a short life, if you can say that. =) I just felt like this part made the general atmosphere a little wobbly, so maybe just give it more thought.

You line my everything with something

This is my favourite line. Beautiful.

an unexpected smile

If I'm excused to be slightly smarty-pants here, why is the smile unexpected? I think you should expand this somehow.

I do love how you can always manage to do that.

I do think you don't need the 'can' here, since 'manage to' is basically 'can' itself.


***


Well, even though I said I'm not that familiar with this kind of poetry, I think this was very decent. The person you wrote this to (if there is one) would totally adore this. =) And although the whole poem was perhaps a little rambling, I think it expresses well the feelings and is something pretty much everyone can relate to, without the need to go overanalyzing the depths of the poem and such. I also liked the sneaky way you included imagery and metaphors, though at first glance it may look there's none.

Nice job, Shini.


Demeter
xxx

This line didn't really appeal to me.

There is love within my chest for you.


Also, the entire time I read this it left me wondering, who in the world could the author possibly be talking about? I was hoping at the end, perhaps the last line, it would reveal the person you spoke of. Besides that, great job!

Overall I really enjoyed this; each line is explained clearly so the general meaning and feeling is understood, yet you do this without rambling at any points. I got such a strong sense for this poem and it left very striking images - always an impressive achievment!
The only thing to mention is a note on the line "What would be the point?". Considering each line seems to have been crafted into a unique and compelling statement, this one just seems to stick out as too much of a colloquialism. This is, of course, simply my opinion, and it is certainly not detrimental to the rest of the poem. However, I do think it could be considered as it would be shame to miss out on another fabulous line which could become the replacment. All of this being said, I am a definite fan of this piece of work!
Chloseph