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Hello Dearie and welcome to YWS!

First off, I liked this. You had some good comparisons and it was worded really well.

However, I think you could clean this up a little and make it even better.

Like the unexplainable loveliness of a child’s laugh.

This line seemed really long in comparison to the one before it. I think if you take out "unexplainable" it will work better.

There is a magic, to the world around us,

Something that will never can never be explained by science.

No comma after "magic". Also you really only need "can never". "Will never" doesn't add anything. Neither do the italics.

Sometimes, the most beautiful of things, isn’t the outrageous and the over done,

They’re the things that are worked for, the things that are cared for, nurtured;

Like a lone flower, standing, defiant, against the cracked concrete of the city.

It's "aren't" in the first line since you're speaking about multiple things. Plus I'm not sure repeating "things" in consecutive lines is a good idea because it's a very vague word. Try replacing one of them.

Secondly, your simile's a little weird. Typically, lone flowers in the middle of concrete aren't cared for or nurtured. Maybe you meant the "worked for" part? If so, emphasize that.

Everything and everyone has their own

Beauty;

Artistry;

Adroitness;



Everything and everyone have their own concerns and wishes.

This part was, quite frankly, boring. It's vague, adds nothing, and throws in a random big word in a piece that uses simplistic language. You could just skip all this and go right to "There is beauty and life" and your poem would be better off.

The piece needs some polishing, but it's a very good poem. Good job and keep writing!

Hi Dearie, welcome to YWS. Well done for doing two reviews before posting a piece of your own work, it's fairer for everyone that way. Now, I enjoyed this poem, I'm not saying it was amazing, but it was good. Shall we begin?

There is a sweet innocence to a flower,

As much as I find this line quite adorable I think some of it is a bit vague. A flower, perhaps you could specify which flower? The fact that flowers possess innocence is a bit subjective, that is to say, not all people would believe that. Besides this, not all flowers are beautiful, flowers have thorns and weeds, not all of them smell nice &c. So basically I'm just ranting about nothing, but...

Like the [s]unexplainable[/s] loveliness of a child’s laugh.

I definitely agree with Niteowl about nixing the unexplainable. Furthermore the use of the word loveliness I find to be a bit bland. Perhaps you could expand upon your vocabulary a bit. I just feel that the poem deserves a better word, y'know.

There is a magic, to the world around us,

Something that will never can never be explained by science.

Improper use of commas, there shouldn't be one after magic. Also, I really detest repetition in order to get a point across if it's not done properly. You must get rid of the will never.

Sometimes, the most beautiful of things, [s]isn’t[/s] are not the outrageous and the over done,

Eh... you've kind of taken a fairly simple thing and made it almost incomprehensible. You basically mean this: the most outrageous and over done things aren't always the most beautiful. Just try and condense what you're saying, don't over complicate things. You almost contradict what you're trying to say in this line; you say that things that are crazy and outrageous (like your diction in this line) are not always beautiful, therefore you've made the sentence lack beauty and what you're trying to promote, you've done the contrary. Okay, sorry if that was slightly confusing but I think you'll understand.

They’re the things that are worked for, the things that are cared for, nurtured;

Like a lone flower

To be mean again flowers aren't really solitary. Most flowers are either in bunches or stand beside each other, eg daisies in a field &c. ,

standing, defiant, against the cracked concrete of the city.

I think here you're trying to signify how industrialisation and modernisation are taking over nature, and how flowers have to succumb to computers and such. Tell me if I'm wrong. I just think that perhaps this needs rephrasing?

There is a certain intoxicating quality to hard work,

Something that gets you drunk on sweat and grime and accomplishment.

I'm not too sure about this line. Hard work. You don't really tell us what hard work is; hard work could be writing or art or something, not necessarily physical work. You indicate that hard work is physical work by using sweat and grime. You could mean that in the figurative sense but it's not too sure. Other than that I'm not too sure about the diction again, you change formality a lot in this poem.

Everything and everyone has their own

Beauty;

Artistry;

Adroitness;

Contrary to the beginning of your poem your formality becomes more formal, Kirsten is just the best at expressing what she means, right *sarcasm* Basically, you start off with really informal language, you don't use huge words or anything, now you use huge words. Just be consistent.

Everything and everyone have their own concerns and wishes.







Yet;

There is beauty in life,

As there is in death.







As there is in everything.

I'd just get rid of this last line, it doesn't add anything to the poem, just get rid of.

Okay, I liked this poem. There's a few things I'd like to say about it, so I'll just start comments:

Formal vs Informal
One of the hardest things to decide when writing is how formal to be. Formality can ruin a piece or impact upon it greatly, in a good way. Formality is something that I think you have a problem with in this piece anyway. You begin rather informally, the word choice is rather simplistic, the diction isn't great either, and the phrasing is a problem. Your informality in the first piece means that you're not really getting across what you want to in points. In the second half you adopt a more formal style; you use large words and a more dare I say mature? Style. (At least that's the way it seems). You need to choose a level of formality and stick to it, do not be too formal or too informal, unless the story or poem you are creating requires that. Just be careful.

Don't try too hard
Some of the phrases you have are interesting, but I think you're trying too hard to phrase it in a more mature style, resulting in it seeming less mature. If you understand what I mean.

Meaning
When reading poems I always like to try and depict what the author is trying to say, I'm not always right, and I don't claim to be. I just like to try and understand what the author wants to portray.

I adore poems with meaning, philosophy is one of my favourite things in the world, and perhaps my favourite thing about your poem is that it does have depth. Well, if my theories are right it does.

I think this poem is about industrialisation and modernisation, about how science is having too big an impact upon the world. How all we really need is belief and... nature?

I think you're trying to depict how science is over-throwing the power of truly beautiful things.

How true beauty if found in natural things, not scienfic things.

For that, I love this poem.

The meaning behind this poem is beautiful, and with it I most certainly agree.

Let's see, my overall opinions:

I really enjoyed this poem, I know it may not seem like it from my review, as it is rather harsh, but I did enjoy it. The meaning behind it (if I got the meaning correct ) is beautiful. I'm just suggesting that it needs a bit of revising.

If you choose to revise it pm me so I can come back and re-review, or so to speak.

~Kirsten

Hello, I'm Ryan, or Colt, as most usually call me now.

Overall, I liked the piece. There was a clever use of stylistic devices.

Pros
+Lots of stylistic devices (Yay!)
+Good job, looks nice.
+Nice vocabulary.

Cons
-Is the format correct for a poem?
-There was some grammar issues, especially with commas.
Example of Comma:
Incorrect: He ran to the door tripping over her.
Correct: He ran to the door, tripping over her.
Commas can help flow, but too many can distract and hurt the flow.
Correct: He ran to the door, tripping over her.
Incorrect: He ran, to the, door, tripping over, her.
See? Commas are meant to give a pause in the sentence or phrase, and too many clogs the sentence.
-the ending was plain and boring to me, I'd add to it.

Hey, it's Peanut! I'm here to review what you have here... a poem! Yes, a poem. Kidding. I totally knew it was a poem

There is a magic, to the world around us,

I would ditch that comma in the middle, for it is not needed there!

Something that will never can never be explained by science.

Here, I would put commas before and after can never. That is where commas are needed!

Sometimes, the most beautiful of things, isn’t the outrageous and the over done,

Try this line more like this;
Sometime, the beauty of most things is not the outrageous and overdone,

Now doesn't that sound a little better?

They’re the things that are worked for, the things that are cared for, nurtured;

Get rid of "the things that are cared for". It would make it sound much more fluent.

Like a lone flower, standing, defiant, against the cracked concrete of the city.

Try it more like this;
"Like the lone flower standing defiant against the cracked concrete of the city."

You don't need the commas, and replace 'a' with 'the'. It seems to fit well.

There is a certain intoxicating quality to hard work,
Something that gets you drunk on sweat and grime and accomplishment.


Everything and everyone has their own
Beauty;
Artistry;
Adroitness;

Everything and everyone have their own concerns and wishes.



Yet;
There is beauty in life,
As there is in death.



As there is in everything.

I've never, ever had to say this before, yet, I would make all that another poem! It seems like it doesn't really go along with everything else that was said, yet it has the potential to be one of it's own. You wrote a two-fer!

All-in-all, these/ this poem(s) were great! Just try out my suggestions and see how they work for you. Great job!