Ruby Cliffs

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Ruby Cliffs
Walking through the fields, the ground hot and hard beneath her feet, Sarah strode step after step. The grass was dry and unkempt so the longest of pieces traced patterns on her thighs as she strolled. The sun was straight above her head and the heat came down scorching the life it touched. She wiped the sweat away from her eyes and continued on, only to stop every few steps and pick a thorn out of her tough bare feet.

The smell of salt played with her nose, drifting away then came back, the scent more powerful than before. A heavy breeze tangled her dark brown hair behind her back, making swirl upon swirl entwine with one another. The grass began to shorten the farther she walked and the smell of salt became more and more prominent. The sun had moved only slightly across the sky but it made the ocean sparkle like diamonds when she reached the cliff. It overlooked the ocean; only water was visible to the east, west, and north of her. The dry grass was left behind her in the field she would have to walk through to get home. She sat on the edge of the cliff, carelessly dangling her feet and taunting the ocean that crashed three hundred feet below her.
She picked at the grass next to her, tossing the blades into the wind and watching them drift effortlessly into the breeze off the cliff. She lifted her hand and noticed the new scrapes they had received on her hike up and sighed deeply. She stood up and rested her hand on the tree next to her, hanging on for dear life by its roots in the earth. Half of the tree was extended over the cliff, and Sarah knew the next storm that would pass by would take it. She wouldn’t mind.
She climbed up the nearest branch and picked the fruit. Vigorously, she bit into the fruit, letting the sugary fluid rest on her tongue. Slowly she swallowed and threw the half eaten fruit off the cliff. It fell and fell and Sarah lost sight of it. Water slowly built in her eyes and she wiped the tears away. They soaked her long sleeve shirt.
“Why did it have to be him… what did he ever do?” She trailed off silently, resting her head on the tree’s massive trunk. The trunk was wet from the ocean’s spray. She forced herself off of the tree, wiping the bark off her face, and walked to the other side where a smooth stone lay at its roots.
Here lies Chris Berriton
R.I.P. 1974-1991
The rest was a part taken from a Frost poem that Sarah didn’t care about. Her chest ached and she began to sob. The tears ran heavy and she cried until the entire front of her shirt was soaked. The sun was now setting as she stood up and looked out at the cliff. The ocean turned a bright orange and red with the sun still reflecting off of the water. It reminded Sarah of the ruby ring Chris has proposed to her with and her heart burned furiously again. She stood up and her legs were weak, but with help from the tree, she remained balanced. She kissed the cold marble of the stone and made her way back through the field, ignoring the thorns in her feet.
Sarah stole one more glance at the apple tree Chris has proposed to her at and smiled. Several years had passed and she had never taken off his ring.
Last edited by Brandon_F on Thu Mar 05, 2009 6:38 am, edited 1 time in total.




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wow. this is just a school project??

you should definitely turn this into something, if you would want to. It's really good!!
If you don't get an A from your teacher, they obviously can't see a good writer when they've got one.




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Brandon -

Nice to see you here! I swear, if you want your writing to improve by lightyears, this is the place for you. People will give an honest opinion and they'll treat you like a real person -- and real writer -- rather than just another faceless internet profile. I can gaurantee improvement if you keep an open mind. Consider making a thread in the Welcome forum and make some new friends. Might do you some good. :wink:

First of all, word to the wise. Title your work. "Just a writing assignment I turned in for English" isn't going to draw in the crowds, my friend. Ruby Cliffs in the title line is just fine. I noticed that you titled another post similarly. It gets old for your readers, trust me.

When Drew read this to the class, I was impressed, along with everyone else, by your mastery and proficiency with words and description. The images of the woman with hard, calloused feet and the kneehigh grass were particularly stimulating. For your first stab at writing *art*, instead of writing a story, you've done very well. I enjoyed this.

I just want to point out a few things. First of all, I noticed after the first two paragraphs, you lapsed into shopping list description, re: "First she did this, then she did this". This not only throws off your sentence fluency, but it, too, gets old. You started nearly every sentence in paragraph three off with "she". Mix things up. It's a repetition that is both annoying and easily picked out. Try, "Sighing, she picked at the grass" or "The new scrapes on her thighs stood out red and irritated." Something like that.

Also, you mention that the tree she leans on is an apple tree in the last sentence. This kind of description should be pointed out earlier. Otherwise, it's kind of jarring, sort of an afterthought.

Now, the lesson you've been waiting for! The Problem With Adverbs! I noticed you using adverbs fairly generously (*snortgiggle*) in this piece. "Vigorously", "effortlessly", "carelessly". These kinds of words, these nasty adverbs, will kill a story right away. These kinds of words, if not used sparingly and with a critisizing eye, are useless and they are an immediate mark of an amatuer. They are lazy and indecisive in that they are doing your job for you. By using an adverb, you're describing an entire feeling/thought/image with just one, tired word. Avoid them at all costs by describing with your own words instead. Savvy?

Slowly she swallowed and threw the half eaten fruit off the cliff. It fell and fell and Sarah lost sight of it. Water slowly built in her eyes and she wiped the tears away.


Not only are these adverbs, but they are used in too close of a proxemity to each other.

Anyway, nice job. I thought that this was well written. Now, go critique other people's work! They will repay you, I'm sure.

Again, nice to have you aboard.

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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this is lovely and sad, the setting is beautiful, and it doesn't remind me of anything else I've read.

There are only a couple of small things i would change:

"sparkled like diamonds" is a very cliche similie. Try and come up with something a little more original or a little more complex.

"Slowly she swallowed and threw the half eaten fruit off the cliff" this sounds like you're trying to say "slowly she threw the fruit off the cliff"

maybe just change it to "she slowly swallowed and then threw the half eaten fruit off the cliff" ?


anyway, i really liked this.
Is this bass REALLY strong enough?



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