Shattered Love

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This one is my favorite (no wonder I put it before the other two). I was inspired by an anime pic and I hope you like it!


“You can’t go!” I screamed, tears streaming down my face as bombs blew up in the forest behind him. Smoke filled my lungs, making it hard for me to breath. Ashes covered my clothes, staining my light blue and white warrior suit to a gray. He looked back at me with a regretful smile.

Men all around me were running into the battle, screams filling the air each time a bomb struck the earth. I didn’t want him to go in there; I was afraid he’d never come out. He took steps forward, until reaching the place where I was standing. When he was close enough, I threw my arms around him, hugging him with all my strength. There was no way I was going to let him kill himself. No way.

My tears doubled, but he didn’t seem to mind. And when he spoke, he spoke calmly, as if he wasn’t about to face the world’s fiercest hate and never live to tell about it.

“Don’t do this,” he whispered, his arms frozen to his sides. “I’ll never be able to go this way…”

“That’s the whole point!” I cried between sobs. My breathing had become hard and I kept choking on the smoke-filled air.

“Aikalee…” he said in his sweet tone. “Don’t make this hard.”

“You’re the one making this hard!” I screamed, staring hard into his glossy eyes. “You know you won’t come back if you go! You’ll break my heart, Jailon. You’ll break it into a million unfixable pieces! You’ll destroy everything…”

His hand rose up higher and higher until it gently stroked my blonde hair. I hit his hand away, making sure he understood my point.

“I’m sorry,” he said, lowering his face so that it was only a few inches away from mine. “I love you. Always remember that.”

With those last words, his lips gently touched my own and I became entranced in the moment. We had finally shared our first kiss, even though I had imagined it in a much different atmosphere. And I would have never guessed there wouldn’t be more later. Knowing what awaited me in the future, I pulled him closer to me, making the kiss harder. I wanted for it to go on forever, for him to not leave my side.

My moment ended without warning. He pulled away suddenly, slipping from my grasp. And before I could react, he disappeared in the pitch black forest. Bombs blowing up in the distance, screams ringing in my ears.




Okay, I was inspired to write this one by two elements. (1) A certain scene in a story called Hellfire made by my bestest friend, RayneChild, and (2) from a picture. My second favorite

The sweet smell of white, red, and pink Camellias filled the starry night’s air as I stared into the moon floating above me. The war was over, and I couldn’t help but feel a sense of triumph and hope. Cold wind rustled my contrasting orange bow against my long blonde hair. My pink dress stood out in the darkness around me and my dark blue eyes sparkled with the reflection of the stars. A shooting star whisked by.

I looked back up the hill. Everyone was dancing and singing, enjoying their newly founded freedom. With a sigh, I sat on the ground cross-legged, waiting for Desoto to appear. He had told me to meet him here and I had to use real willpower to leave the party everyone was so psyched about. I wanted to go back; to dance and sing my heart out, it was a once in a lifetime opportunity in the end.

After tonight, Carzyl and I would have to go back to Earth and I would never see this place again.

“Hey, Larara,” Desoto smiled, suddenly appearing between the trees surrounding the meadow I was sitting in. “Can’t believe you actually came.”

“Hello,” I said with a hint of scorn in my voice.

I waited patiently for him to tell me what I was doing here; what he wanted. He walked over to and sat down to my left.

“So, how do you feel about going back tomorrow?” he asked, not seeming the slightest bit interested.

Desoto was a very self-absorbed boy. He had never taken any interest in other peoples' business nor did he ever really care. During the war he had always fought solo, never taking someone's life into his own hands. I'd never seen him open up to anyone the way he was doing now.

“It’s going to be hard,” I admitted, hoping to get this little meeting over with quickly and also knowing very well that he was paying absolutely no attention to me whatsoever. “Not only for me, but for Carzyl too. We have both gotten so attached to Damire. Maine is going to be so boring…”

Suddenly, he took my hand in his, making me jump. I stared at his hand, not knowing what to do or understanding in the slightest bit what was going through his head. What stupidity was he coming up with now?

“You’re holding my hand…” I noted, then yelling at myself for saying such a stupid and obvious statement. I slithered my hand out from his grasp and said, "Listen, I don't want to have to listen to your commentary about who knows what. I'm going back to the party."

“I’ll be crushed when you leave, Larara.” He smirked, staring into my moon-reflecting eyes.

“You will?” I asked, my jaw dropping.

He just nodded and moved closer to me. “I wanted you to know before you left.”

In a split second, my lips made contact with his. His kiss was sweet in the beginning but got harsher the longer it went on. I never would have expected to share my first kiss with him. Since the start of all this, I hated him. He’d always been a jerk. Now that I was kissing him though, it felt like we were perfect together. I wished we could live together for always and forever. Butterflies flew like crazy in my stomach and I felt love engulf my body. So this is what it felt like.

And to think I wasn't the cheesy type.

I opened my eyes and pulled away, sucking in as much air as I possibly could before passing out by lack of oxygen. Gosh, for how long had we been kissing? Desoto smirked and looked up at the moon. “That moon could never match your beauty.” I smiled and cuddled up to his chest. Faint music could be heard from the uphill party, but the party didn’t matter to me anymore. Now I had Desoto. A guy who loved me for who I was and for always. I had to admit, I didn't understand it all that well myself, but, hey, it worked right?

Everything was perfect.

Everything was going to end tomorrow.




This one I'm not very proud of...I'd say this is my worst one, but I'll leave you to be the judge of that! :D

“Cyron, it’s time, isn’t it?” I asked, my black eyes meeting his merciless stare.

“Yes,” he replied, completely expressionless.

Cries of war bounced off the hallway’s rock walls as the demons ran towards the surface. The human apocalypse was about to start.

“Let’s go,” he said.

We left Nayou; a place humans would call the underworld. As we took our first steps on Earth, my heart stopped at the horrifying sight. My once beautiful home was burning to the ground, leaving ashes in its place. Demons attacked families and children, killing them without any regret. Ash covered my body and clothes as a tear ran down my cheek.

“You’re not crying, Merika, are you?” Cyron asked, not removing his gaze from the fiery world before us.

“I never expected it to be like this…” I admitted.

I was human too, and because of a stupid sacrifice, I had gone to live with the demons. They had planned to destroy every human on earth, but they had promised me that I would be allowed to live, since I lived in Nayou. I knew very well, though, that after this madness was over, I was going to die too. Demons were known for their lies and there was definitely no need for a human in their world.

I turned to Cyron, his brown hair blowing in the wind, catching each black snowflake that fell from the red-tainted sky. He stood, still as stone, watching the murder of my home. I had been crazy to fall in love with him, and it was suicide to even smile at him. But I was going to die anyway, so why not take the chance? It was either now or never.

I threw my arms around him, hugging his muscular arms as tightly as I could. I expected him to throw me off without a sweat, but he just stood there, his skin burning mine. When the pain was too much for me, I let go, but swung myself around to face him head on.

Nothing could prepare me for what happened next.

He moved like a statue coming to life, letting a few seconds pass between each movement. He raised his arm and hit my back hard, pushing me a few inches forward. He grabbed my shirt, pulled me up to him, and kissed my lips hard.

I never had time to fall into the kiss and I barely even felt it. His hand was still holding my shirt and with a quick flick of his wrist, my body went flying into the deadly fire.

The fire burned my skin, killing me slowly. I didn’t scream. There was no need to. I had asked for this anyway, this was what was bound to happen. But I would always remember the look Cyron gave me before my life ended; rock hard and icy cold hatred.

Not one human life was spared.



And that's all folks!
Last edited by VampireBloodrace on Fri Mar 06, 2009 2:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Hiya, VampireBloodRace! It seems that I will be your first reviewer and I hope to be of some help to you today.

First Short Story:

I really liked this, how the intensity was high, but I feel like you need more a background for these characters. I know it's hard to do that with such a short amount of space since it's a short story but really concentrate on making your stories come alive.

By the way, I love the unique names you have. Very cool :D

Second Short Story:

This was kind of confusing. Everything happened too fast. You didn't have any background again and I didn't even have time to comprehend that Desoto was a jerk before him and Larara were making out, you know? Really concentrate on your characterization and plot line. You can't have a story without a backbone. Once you have a solid platform, you're stories will become masterpieces.

Third Short Story:

Wow, this was amazing! How could this be your worst? This was simply stunning. I loved it! :D Every bit of it! I love your characters and the intensity. You could totally turn this last one into a book. It's amazing, how cruel the guy could be yet so in love with her. Beautiful, just beautiful. If you ever choose to continue with this last one, please let me know!

Otherwise, I wish you luck in editing these ^_^ If you have any futher questions, feel free to PM me.
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Okay, I'll give you a line-by-line (or almost) review, because I have time. Here goes.

First Story
First off, i really liked this. It was well written, easy to understand what was going on, and heartfelt. Nice job. Now the critiques.

"making my light blue and white warrior suit turn gray" You said 'making' in the line before this. Could you change it to 'turning' so it wouldn't so repetitive?

"He took steps forward, until reaching the place where I was standing." This sentence sounds awkward to me. Could you rearrange it to something like, "He walked forward until he reached where I was standing"?

"face the world’s fiercest hate and never live to tell about it." This sounds odd too. Fiercest hate? It doesn't feel right. I'm not sure what you could change it to, but if you could, that would be great.

"chocking on the smoke-filled air." It is spelled 'choking'.

Second Story
This story was, again, well written, but a bit confusing. There were a lot of strange names, and it kind of rattled my brain. Also, she fell in love pretty dang fast. Good idea though. I am still wondering where she is leaving to though. Is she going home after the war?

"Cold wind rustled my orange bow which contrasted my long blonde hair." Change this to "Cold wind rustled my orange bow, a contrast to my long blond hair" or something similar.

"the reflection of the stars. A shooting star went by." This isn't necessary, but I think it would sound better if you changed it to "the reflection of a shooting star going by."

"After tonight, Carzyl and I would have to go back and I would never see this place again." You already said "go back," so I'd just leave the second part.

"'Hella, Larara,'" I'm assuming this is supposed to be 'hello.'

"I wished we could live together for always and forever." This is another awkward sentence, and I suppose you could just say "forever and for always," thought it is a bit cliche, and for such a short story a cliche might not be good. Your choice.

Third Story
Wow. I mean... Wow. This actually is your best. The whole idea is fascinating, and I would love to read more. Please, write on it! I have no critiques for it, even. Gold star!
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."

-Bilbo Baggins, The Fellowship of the Ring, J. R. R. Tolkien




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Mmmm . . . you are a very talented writer! Let's see what I can do to help you improve, even though you don't need much at all!

First Story:

I loved this one! It's so romantic and so sad! It also makes me want to read more. I want to know what war this is, who these two are, and how their relationship started.

Critiques:

"Ashes covered my clothes, staining my light blue and white warrior suit to a gray."


I would change this to:

"My blue and white uniform, once so clean and light, quickly faded as ashy residue spread across the cloth."

"He took steps forward, until reaching the place where I was standing."


This sentence just doesn't flow very well.

"I hit his hand away, making sure he understood my point."

Change "hand" to "it." It will sound less repetitive when coupled with your previous sentence.

Second Story:

This one was kind of weird for me. I didn't like it as much as the other ones.

Critiques:

"Cold wind rustled my contrasting orange bow against my long hair. My pink dress stood out in the darkness around me and my dark blue eyes sparkled with the reflection of the stars. A star whisked by. "


It's a quick and easy way to get a description of your character in, but I would ease into that instead of just descirbing everything here. And she probably wouldn't be able to see the stars reflecting in her own eyes.

"I wanted to go back; to dance and sing my heart out, it was a once in a lifetime opportunity in the end."

You should probably make the part starting with "it" a single sentence. Adding "in the end" kind of confuses the reader. What end are we talking about?

"I'd never seen him open up to anyone the way he was doing now."

He doesn't really open up and the way you wrote about him before makes him uninterested.

"Suddenly, he took my hand in his, making me jump. I stared at his hand, not knowing what to do or understanding in the slightest bit what was going through his head. What stupidity was he coming up with now?
“You’re holding my hand…” I noted, then yelling at myself for saying such a stupid and obvious statement. I slithered my hand out from his grasp and said, "Listen, I don't want to have to listen to your commentary about who knows what. I'm going back to the party.""

The word "hand" is too repetitive in the first lines. The word "listen" is repetitive in the last lines.

"“I’ll be crushed when you leave, Larara.” He smirked, staring into my moon-reflecting eyes."

Because he smirks, he doesn't sound serious. Larara wouldn't act shocked about what he said if he wasn't serious.

If she's d him this whole time, then she won't be so quick feel bad about leaving him. She'll feel confused and unsure, but she won't immediately fall for him.

Third Story:

This one is way good! I want more of this one!

Well, that's all so far. Excellent job! You are a fantastic writer! Keep up the great work!




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Hiya there!

First story:
Oh wow :D
Beautifully poignant. Definitely my favourite.
It was really intense.
This has the best potential to develop into a full-length story,
With a detailed plot, character depth and everything.
I'd really like to know the background, like others have voiced.

Second story:
I feel that this is the one that needs the most work on.
It progressed really fast.
I hadn't seen much mention or implication of Larara liking Desoto,
So I was a bit taken aback when suddenly she was declaring how loved she felt and everything. So that part should be edited.
Again, interesting, I'd like to know the background of this story ;)

Third story:
I disagree with you that this is the worst-written!
At the end of the story, I was going: O: !!!!!
Brilliant way to end. No human is spared and Cyron is a demon jerk.
Though the kissing part leaves me to think something else...
Why bother kissing her when he can just fling the human into the fire?
Makes me almost think that he sort of...had something going on XD
Then that hateful look in his eyes....maybe not ._.
I got a tad annoyed with the MC though.
For some reason, she reminds me a bit of Bella Swan from Twilight *cough*.

Anyway,
Great job, m'dear.
Keep up the good work! :D

~Have a nice day!
Meep(:
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
"You'll never walk alone"




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First Story:

I liked it a lot. I liked how rushed it was. I would almost like to get attached to the characters more, though. I would have liked to have a flashback of them because I think it would be nice to get to know them a little better. I didn't find any grammar errors, though, so really good job on that. :D

Second Story:

I'd never seen him open up to anyone the way he was doing now.
You're saying he's opening up, but you just said he didn't seem interested at all. That doesn't really make sense.

Now that I was kissing him though, it felt like we were perfect together. I wished we could live together for always and forever.
I would have liked it better if she felt the spark a little bit before when he held her hand. It seems strange that she went from being bored of him to loving him in like two minutes.

Now I had Desoto. A guy who loved me for who I was and for always.
Do they know each other that well? Maybe talk about that a little bit, like did they talk ever before this?

This one was good, but I didn't feel like it was realistic. They fell in love like -snap- that, and then it just sort of ended. I would have liked to see more real emotion there. Especially at the end, like how she's feeling about leaving more than just that everything will be gone.

Third Story:

Wow. This one is really creepy, but it's fantastic. It made me want to cry! (Almost. It was too short to realllyyyy make me.) This one was really great, though.
... :D ...
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Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts.
— Poe