Untraceable

lingering footsteps.
"another day," he once told me;
words choked out in lethargic gasps.

Envision a life of infinite freefall:
Toes curled in competition with the scraps of familiar carpet.
Pupils glazed over with lifetimes of wandering eyelids.
Soft soliloquies of screaming emotion,
burned to ash on your tongue.

Reverberating off twisted souls,
they are lost among the dancing smoke
turned permanent black haze.

Hands; fingers leave traces of dusty prints
and freedom.
Endless, dreamless, wakeless sleep;
eternal footprints.

I'm impressed by your control over the whole scheme and the words in particular. I find that to be the strongpoint of the whole thing right there.

I can't really say much; only that I admired what I read, and that I hope to read more like this. Nicely done.

Hi there, Offering! I'm June-- nice to meet you. I don't think I've reviewed you before; I'm not sure if I have, but either way, here it goes.

This is... quite a poem, dear!


Honestly, I have no constructive criticism to offer. This is one of those poems that are perfectly written, well versed and overall brilliant-ness.

I think what I like most about this is how much "memories" it brings to mind. The title is "untraceable", and that's making this feel disconnected, loose, and almost distant, but it's like, bits and fragments of the past put together-- it's just amazing.

I fell in love with the structure, too. The staggered lines give a perfect tone to this, dear. It's not just the words that make a poem, it's everything else-- the structure, the punctuation, the words that are seemingly writ between the lines.

Amazing, dear. Amazing.

Keep it up! I loved this! Gold star!

June