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Hi Erica! I'm June, nice to meet you!

Wow, how very touching! I hope you got a good grade for this poem, dear, because it's amazing!

Let's get this reviewed:

The little sad eyed angel,

Hung at the crossroads

Between life and death.

Because of the vast assortment of ideas that linger in this poem, dear, we're going to need punctuation. I'm going to demonstrate it in bold.

We looked him full in the face,

and kept on walking

with ought a change of pace.

• with ought should be without; one word, without a G in it, dear.

I saw them all,

Shot against a wall;

Frozen in the snow.

A fire made without coal

Their glazed eyes

Burned in my skull

What to call this

This dreadful, devil madness

I know that you're going for rhyme here, dear, but it's a bit hard to understand the first three lines here. The second line kind of interrupts the idea, making it hard for us to understand it.

There are ways you can clarify this, such as:

Fire made without coal,
Glazed my eyes,
Burning in my skull.
What to call this?
This dreadful, deviled madness?

However! I'm not exactly sure if this is what you meant, so I cannot say that this fits any more than what you have.

Those abandoned our memories,

Even our friends ,

and our families.

First line: Either "our" needs to go, or "Those" needs to change to "They". I can slightly understand the message here, dear, but it is a little confusing to read over.

Eyes glazed in their head,

And no tears were shed;

I thought I had survived.

Again, in the first line, it's a little hard to understand exactly what you mean. I'm not sure if head should be turned to "heads"?

Then, I saw in the mirror,

A hollow face and dark eyes.

This part of the poem is really bringing in the emotion, toning the setting, and grasping the reader effectively. Well done.

The face was one

I would never recognize.

My soul had been lost,

In this devil holocaust.

Wow.

Wow is really all I have to say-- you've taken my words away with this. The emotion in this is so strong, so outstanding, so perfect. It's really captured the audience at the beginning, sustaining their interest throughout, gaining their sympathy, and satisfying them at the end.

Well done.

There isn't anything I would add to this; nor is there anything that I would take away. I have to say, although some parts of this was confusing, your play on words was really effective.

You did an amazing job here, dear! Keep it up, I look forward to seeing more of you work around here!

June

I'm not much of a critic when it comes to poetry, so I'll spare you from myself for now. Just wanted to say that that was an amazing book.

Wow...I love it. It's sooooooooooooooooo........wonderful. It REALLLY captures the feel of the whole holocaust theme...

My favorite lines were: What to call this,
This dreadful, devil madness.

idk why, I just loved that.

The ending was great too. Kind of a twist. I didn't expect it.

Well, I just wanted to say that it was awesome! And keep up the good work!

Hey Erica,

The way I have it broken up is the way I would change it as far as formatting goes. It should be broken up into stanzas like how I have it below. You wanted a review so here goes... remember, I'm going to review it how I understood it.

Lost Soul



The little sad eyed angel

Hung at the crossroads

Between life and death.

We looked him full in the face

and kept on walking,

with ought a change of pace.

This stanza reminded me of The Savior when He died on the cross. When you said, "We looked Him full in the face and kept on walking, with ought a change of pace," I think it's describing those people who doubted Jesus Christ was the son of God even after they witnessed His miracles. They looked Him in the face when he was dying and just kept on walking. Not changing their pace is a way of saying that they didn't really feel anything to see Him that way.

I saw them all

Shot against a wall,

Frozen in the snow,

A fire made without coal.

Their glazed eyes

Burned in my skull.

This stanza reminded me of gangs and homeless people. You said, "I saw them all shot against a wall, frozen in the snow." To me it says, the gangs shot people against a wall and left them to die, frozen in the snow...I keep wanting to add "blood stained snow". The "fire made without coal" reminded me of homeless people, standing around in the streets where gangs dwell. "Their glazed eyes burned in my skull" reminds me of that feeling you get when you stare into a homeless person's eyes. They seem distant and lonely...really lost. And it's true, that image is "burned in my skull". This stanza relates back to the first stanza about The Savior because it represents what us average people go through. Our pain is real, just like how The Savior's pain was very real as well.

What to call this,

This dreadful, devil madness.

Those abandoned our memories

Even our friends

and our families.

Eyes glazed in their heads,

And no tears were shed.

This stanza, to me, is talking about how the narrator of this poem is expressing how the pain of the world and people's suffering is just madness. It expresses how our family and our friends suffer "but no tears were shed". The no tears were shed is talking about how we've become "numb" to the suffering, that it's just normal to feel that way. This stanza relates back to the previous two as well when it's talking about pain and suffering.

I thought I had survived

Then I saw in the mirror

A hollow face and dark eyes.

The face was one

I would never recognize.

My soul had been lost

In this devil holocaust

This stanza really sets the whole poem for me. It's like the icing on the cupcake You said, "I thought I had survived, then I saw in the mirror, a hollow face and dark eyes." To me this is the narrator expressing how they thought they could make it through their own suffering and trials but when they "looked in the mirror" they realized that their trials had affected them in more ways than they thought. They have changed. "The face was one I would never recognize" expresses this. "My soul had been lost" says that they feel utterly helpless and lost in their own confusing world, trying to figure out why the pain doesn't stop. "In this devil holocaust". The word "holocaust" is a world that describes misery and a bad events. And "devil" adds to that effect. The title "Lost Soul" expresses how the narrator is lost in the misery of the world, not understanding...asking the one question that everyone has, "Why?"

I love this poem because it staggers in scenes. First it starts with The Savior's suffering, then on to other people's (strangers) suffering, then onto our families' and friends' suffering and finally to our own. I love how that just staggers downward to final point. The narrator is effected by all of it. That's what I loved about this, it all ties together very deeply into a meaning that is very real. I thought you did an awesome job. You may have a completely different look on this poem and your meaning may have been completely off from mine but that's how I interpreted it. I loved it! The meaning I found in it is very deep. There's just one thing I would change...break it up into the stanzas I have put it in.

Great job and good luck with your contest at school
-thevoiceinside

Here you go~

A fire made without coal.

Try adding "the" in-between "without" and "coal." It's all for the sake of a consistent rhythm.

This dreadful, devil madness.

I think that "devil" should be "devilish." Devil doesn't fit as an adjective here.

The face was one
I would never recognize.

Consider making "I" and "would" a contraption. It helps the flow.

My soul had been lost
In this devil holocaust

"Devil" has been used too many times in this poem. It's very noticeable and it messes with the overall read of the poem.

---

I thought this poem described the horrible event with brutal honesty and lovely words. I liked it a lot. Besides my comments up above, I wouldn't change a thing.

Good Luck, this is definitely a winner.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Hey Erica =]

I'm not very good at writing or reviewing poetry so I'll just give my thoughts.

I think the poem was very well written and you used a lot of good imagery.

The overall theme of the poem is obviously sadness and loss and I think you got that across well =]

I really like the last stanza and I think it serves well to sum up the whole poem.

I hope you get a good mark for this as you deserve it!

Hope I've been at least of some help and don't hesitate to ask if you need anything else looked at, although I'm better at reviewing stories than poems but I'll try

xDudettex

eightHi there, Erica. Please excuse me if I miss out a letter or an apostrophe as I have recently discovered that laptops don't take to lemonade as I do. xD Anyway, I liked this poem, but I can always find errors with anything, so I shall pick away at this piece until it is not quite as good as it initially seemed, after all you'd rather I helped improve it than offered you masses of empty praise, would you not? I think I shall do a line-by-line critique and then a small review at the end, as this method seems the most fitting for your piece. Shall we begin?

The little sad eyed angel

Ah, let us consider this as a first line. I do not consider it very successful. First lines are meant to drag us into the poem, intrigue us and make us read on, perhaps it is just me, but with a first line like this, unless I felt obligated to do so, I would not read on. The subject matter of this poem is a raw one, one that causes pain and distress. You definitely need to improve this first line. Furthermore, you use 'the' which is the definite article, whereas this would work better as the indefinite article, by which means you'd be able to express the fact that you do not specify this individual angel as one which you know. You merely consider it a angel, not the. The implies that you consider it a particular, but the rest of this poem suggests quite the opposite.

Hung at the crossroads

Between life and death.

To claim life and death crossroads is rather subjective. What says life and death are crossroads? No, life and death are most certainly not crossroads. Crossroads implies that you have a choice over the matter, but you do not. Unless you are meaning that someone else holds your house, someone else has the power to murder you. Quite like Hitler had over the Jews. I think you need to clarify, as you have not yet mentioned any political things in this poem, and just now it could be taken as a poem about... anything really. In this context, that being the beginning of this poem, you do need to make this clearer as it doesn't really make sense quite like this.

We looked him full in the face

Him being death? Or the angel? Hmm... I think you are talking of the angel.

and kept on walking,

with ought a change of pace.[/quote] June thinks you mean without here, yet, yet I think it could mean ought. Either could be used. Without a change of pace which ought to have been made or without a change of pace. I find the former more interesting, it is something you could pursue. The matter of moral obligation, something that could most definitely add to your poem a new layer of depth.

I saw them all

Shot against a wall,

Ah, so the angel represents the Jews? And you are feeling guilt at having not acted to stop the Nazis. I still believe that using the indefinite article would work better than using the definite.

Frozen in the snow,

I'm unsure of what you are trying to get across here. Your imagery, for me, is kind of hard to comprehend in this particular line. Frozen in the snow? Snow is frozen anyway, so this line doesn't really create any imagery. Maybe change in to amongst? I think, that perahaps you mean frozen in the snow as in the frozen amongst the snow representing a Jew, how so many were killed that a single one was not of more importance than anything else? That they were so insignificant that they were almost taken for something frozen in a freezing place.

A fire made without coal.

The fire represents perhaps hatred? And the without coal represents how the Jews did nothing to ignite this fire, they merely were, that Hitler caused everyone to hate them, and that nothing more than that was needed.

Their glazed eyes

Burned in my skull.

I think this sentence should be, rather the contrary. Well... not completely as there is a lot of it I would change. Such as; Their skulls burned into my soul. See, the imagery is a lot more raw, rawness = core emotion, core emotion = beautiful.

What to call this,

This dreadful, devil madness.

Devil doesn't work as an adjective, I absolutley detest it in this context, please remove it. Madness is not right either, it most certainly does not come anywhere near to the hell that these people suffered. The words in this line are too mediocre, and do not deserve to be used in relation to the atrocities suffered, not to sound mean. xD

Those abandoned our memories

Even our friends

and our families.

Eyes glazed in their heads,

And no tears were shed.

Erm... well, to be honest this stanza was a let down for me. Your narrative was emotive and quite poignant up to this point, but now, it's just gone. The language is perhaps to simplistic.

I thought I had survived

Then I saw in the mirror

A hollow face and dark eyes.

The face was one

I would never recognize.

My soul had been lost

In this devil holocaust

'part from that horrible adjective, I quite like this stanza, anyway, shall we start with that small review?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I enjoyed this, I like the use of things to portray other things.


Your use of simple imagery to portray some of the horrors of the holocaust, I've commented on them in the actual parts they're in, so I shall not repeat myself.

Other than that you wrote this with a poignant, fresh voice, one that was, at times, upset, but most of the time it remained consistent.

The narrative was, at times fresh and interesting, just watch your consistency.

I enjoyed this, it was a nice portrayal of war, not incredible, but it was emotive.

Fluid descriptions would at times have improved this piece by miles, finally we have the issue of rawness. I think, to make war poems successful one of the most important things is rawness. Ultimately, it can be beautiful and create one of the most wonderful atmospheres possible.

So, I hope I've helped a bit;
~Kirsten

I like the atmosphere and the writing in itself, I am however rather disturbed by your use of the angel/devil theme because I do find it dreadfully inappropriate while dealing with the holocaust. I mean, the most scary and inconceivable thing about the holocaust is that was done by humans, not devils but real people with wives and children. This to me is much more vibrant and suggestive of the idea that violence is in fact inherent to humanity, making it the play of greater good or evil diminishes the impact of it. But you may just ignore my philosophical-anthropological musings!

Erica wrote:an English assignment based of the book Night by Ellie Weisel

Lost Soul

The little sad eyed angel,
Hung at the crossroads
Between life and death.
We looked him full in the face
and kept on walking,
with ought a change of pace. Should be'without'

I saw them all
Shot against a wall,
Frozen in the snow,
A fire made without coal.
Their glazed eyes
Burned in my skull.

What to call this, get rid of the comma and put a question mark
This dreadful, devil madness. Change the period to a question mark as well
Those abandoned our memories change those to they
Even our friends,
and our families.
Eyes glazed in their heads, 'their eyes' maybe?
And no tears were shed. I think you should get rid of the and

I thought I had survived,
Then I saw in the mirror
A hollow face and dark eyes.
The face was one
I would never recognize. 'I'd never recognize' would maybe flow better
My soul had been lost
In this devil holocaust

I really liked your poem. It was really sad, but I think that is what made it so great. It gave good imagery of the cold hard truth of the matter. And I like the angel and devil metaphor. And unlike the other comment I believe your first line does capture the readers attention and that is was a good way to start your poem off. Nice work