Aela and The Leshy Part One

10 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 10554
Reviews 272
Ello

This is the first part of my entry for Rosey's contest about the Elements. I haven't stuck to the element idea but Rosey was very enthusiastic about something to do with nature, so I went down that road. This story will probably come in three parts. It is the first story I have ever properly completed :D

I am feeling the title is a bit lame lol So any suggestions are welcome.

Note: I punctuated this at about midnight so sorry if it is terrible. I am British so I have different spellings and the word 'whilst' is perfectly normal to me and not old fashioned! :P


Part One

The wind whipped through the trees of the dense forest. The leaves rustled, some were unable to hold onto the branches any longer and fell, spiralling to their resting place on the ground. Moonlight shone through the gaps in the forest’s canopy high above and added an eerie quality to the night air. It was not this strange atmosphere, however, that kept the nearby villagers from daring to enter the woodland but that which lay within its bounds. That which waited for some unknowing traveller to stumble from the path into the forest interior and then the mischief would begin.

Sounds disturbed the air again, not the wind this time, but the dragging of feet across the leaf-strewn floor. It came steadily closer, then paused. Sound and movement stilled until a breath was sucked in deeply. Another pause and then the breath was released as an ear-splitting, high-pitched, delighted laugh. It rang around the forest, bouncing off the trees, reverberating, echoing further and further with no end. It travelled past the forest and on, on into the sleeping village.

Aela woke suddenly and sat up straight in her bed, the laughter ringing in her ears. She flipped the cover back and jumped to the floor, hurrying over to her small window. It showed a view of the border of the forest and she peered out curiously, trying to make her eyes pierce through the darkness. Trying to see…oh if only she could see it once.

Urgent footsteps sounded within the house behind Aela, they ran down the hall and up to her door. It was flung open and in rushed a middle-aged man, grey speckling his chocolate brown hair. He brandished a candle and waved it around the room, trying to cast some light.

“Aela! Aela!” Worry was present in his voice and clearly visible in his expression.

Aela turned to her father. “I’m here. By the window, Father.”

Her father directed the candle towards where her voice came from. “Are you alright?”

“Yes, father. I’m perfectly fine,” Aela smiled and couldn’t stop excitement creeping into her next words. “Did you hear it?”

“Of course I heard it!”

Her father’s face became stern then and Aela never knew exactly why but she pushed on. “I wonder why it laughs so.”

“I don’t know, Aela,” his jaw clenched.

“Yes you do. I know you do. I hear you and Mother talk of it,” Aela couldn’t help but press on, her curiosity overtaking any fear of being reprimanded. “Does it live all alone in the forest? Why does it live there? What does it do? Does it have any friends…”

“Friends? Unfathomable!” Her father bellowed. “It’s… it’s vicious and wild and…” he paused and attempted to calm himself. When he appeared to be in control once more he continued. “I do not wish to talk about this, Aela. Go to bed.”

Aela frowned but did as her father said. She walked over to her bed, stomping as she went. Once she was in she pulled the covers over herself and folded her arms across her chest. She glared at her father, he never told her anything!

Her father smirked a little, obviously amused by his daughter’s display of defiance. “Goodnight, Aela.”

She did not respond to him but simply turned her head to look at the window. Aela’s father shook his head and walked towards the door. “You’ll forgive me in the morning,” and with that he left Aela’s room, taking the light with him.

“I will not!” Aela shouted after him, hoping he would hear.

Left in the darkness Aela could not immediately get back to sleep, her head was swimming with thoughts of what lay in the forest. She knew it was a Leshy, a forest spirit but she couldn’t think why everyone was so scared of it. It was supposedly a guardian of the forest, which didn’t sound so terrible.

Her mind conjured a serene spirit, at one with nature; not some murdering, mindless, vicious creature that the villagers depicted it as. Although she had been told that the Leshy liked to lead travellers astray to the edge of cliffs or kidnap anyone who dared enter the forest without it’s express invitation. She had never heard of this happening in her lifetime though, so who knew if it was true?

Aela sighed, trying to make herself more comfortable in bed but sleep still wouldn’t come. Her mind wandered back to thoughts of the Leshy. She had to admit that she was far more curious about the strange creature than she was scared. Any time someone mentioned it or was actually willing to talk to her about it, she would give them her undivided attention, trying to learn every detail she could. She knew she pushed her father too far tonight; she could never seem to keep her inquisitive nature in check. Finally closing her eyes, Aela eventually drifted off into sleep and dreamt of the Leshy.


******

Aela woke early the next morning, slipped out of bed and rubbed her eyes. The morning sun was shining through her window casting a pool of light on the floor. She ran over to it and stepped into the light, warming her feet up, as the wood floorboards were unkindly cold.

When she felt satisfactorily warmed through she changed into a grey dress cut just above her ankles to prevent the hem from getting dirty. She had decided that today would be the day she would finally enter the forest and so she did not want her dress to become soiled and tell the tale of where she had been.

Smoothing down the skirt of her dress, she deemed herself acceptable and exited the bedroom. She could hear the sound of her mother going through the morning routine of making breakfast for the household and made her way down the hallway to the kitchen. Tip toeing up to the door, so not as to alert her mother to her presence, Aela peeked into the kitchen. Her mother was facing the stove, focusing on her duties and hadn’t seemed to notice Aela’s approach.

Scanning the room Aela noted that the back door was wide open and knowing that her father would be sat in the front room reading a book, in full view of the main door, she saw the back door as her best chance of escape.
If either of her parents were to question her too closely, Aela being an honest child, they would be sure to discover her mission and forbid her to leave the house. Taking her chance, she carefully moved through the kitchen trying not to make a sound. The clanking of pots and pans that her mother was using to make breakfast, were helpful in keeping Aela’s presence in the room unknown. She reached the door and turned back into the kitchen for a moment to see her mother still bustling away busy with her task. Aela smiled and stepped out into the morning.


*******

The pine trees reached high up into the sky, as though they were fighting to reach the sun and bathe themselves in its light. Aela craned her neck to gaze at the spectacle, in the distance she could hear the villagers begin to wake up and go about their daily activities. Even though her curiosity was driving her to undertake this mission, she couldn’t help but feel a little apprehensive. After all they were strictly forbidden to do what she was about to do.

Usually only traders or farmers were allowed into the forest. It was a faster route than travelling all the way around the immense tract of woodland. The villagers stuck to the well-trodden paths, took gifts of sacrifices to the Leshy and deals were done to assure safe passage. Aela always wondered why they couldn’t just make a deal with the Leshy so that they all might enjoy the forest but as usual no one wished to hear her questions or talk about the Leshy.

Aela gathered herself, took a deep breath, closed her eyes and stepped into the forest. She listened intently, not exactly sure what she had been expecting to happen. A member of her family screaming at her to get out of the forest, or an alarm of some sort that she had triggered by entering, or even a monstrous roar from within the forest signalling that the Leshy knew she was there but there was nothing. She could hear birds happily twittering away, the rustling of life from within the forest and the sway of branches in the gentle breeze.

Deducing that nothing horrific was going to happen to her she opened her eyes and ventured further. As she travelled into this seemingly magical world, Aela came upon a wonderful sight, a carpet of purply blue, laid out before her. Hundreds and hundreds of bluebells were growing between the trees. A broad smile spread across her face, which she could not help, it was just all so beautiful. Butterflies were dancing in the air, occasionally landing on the bluebells, showing Aela their dazzling colours and markings before taking flight once more across the sea of blue. She decided then and there that she loved the forest dearly and would not let anyone keep her out again. She felt so happy that she began to skip, pausing on occasion to twirl in the sunbeams that filtered down through the trees.

Keen eyes were watching Aela from the undergrowth among the trees. They followed her as she went deeper and deeper into the forest realm, annoyed by her giddiness and failure to think of the danger but also vaguely intrigued. Soon he would have to reveal himself to her though, before she trespassed too far into his unwelcoming world, a world that was not made for small girls.

To Be Continued...
Last edited by beckiw on Sun Mar 08, 2009 11:03 pm, edited 2 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 80
Hi there! This is very long, so maybe you could cut it down a bit? When you do that, send me a PM, and I'll do a detailed critique.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 15394
Reviews 1464
Beckiw! Beckiw! It's June :).

I don't think I've reviewed anything of yours aside from photography, have I? I'm not sure, anyway, here we go:
The wind whipped through the trees of the dense forest. The leaves rustling, some unable to hold onto the branches any longer and fell,


Because you use past tense at the end of the sentence (fell), rustling should be rustled ;).


“Aela! Aela!” worry was present in his voice and clearly visible in his expression.

Aela turned to her father. “I’m here. By the window, father.”


I believe that W needs to be capitalized. Something about that just doesn't look right, dear :P.

And! Comma after window ;).

“Friends? Unfathomable!” her father bellowed. “It’s…it’s vicious and wild and…” he paused and attempted to calm himself. When he appeared to be in control once more he continued. “I do not wish to talk about this, Aela. Go to bed.”


Include a space after your ellipsis, dear :).

And! Comma after "this". ;)


Aela sighed and tried to make herself more comfortable in bed but sleep still wouldn’t come and her mind wandered back to thoughts of the Leshy.


Yucky, a run on, dear! Break that up with commas!


* - *- *- *-* - *

Yay! Beckiw, I love the progress with this so far. I can definitely see how it's a tricky topic to write, dear. Fantasy alone is hard enough-- but this? Ouch, this is rather tricky.

Your pacing is perfect; everything seems to be "on-time", not too fast; not too slow. Aela seems childish enough, as well-- you haven't overdone her character so far by making her seem too young or too old.

Well done.

Good luck in the contest, Becki! I hope to see the next part around here soon! Keep it up!


June ;)
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 10554
Reviews 272
Thank you June! :D Just what I need, lots of punctuation help! I'm not so good at it lol

Jay, I'm sorry but if I cut this part down then I will have to post in like 4 or 5 parts and I don't want to clog up the forums all at once :s sorry! Thanks for looking though!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3225
Reviews 365
Hey, Becki W!

Here as requested! I guess my last reviews of your work must have helped. ^_^

The leaves rustling, some unable to hold onto the branches any longer and fell, spiralling to their resting place on the ground.


Rustling is in the present tense, but the rest of your story is in the past tense. Change rustling to rustled.

Also, the second clause:

"some unable to hold onto the branches any longer"

doesn't make sense unless you say:

"some were unable to hold onto the branches any longer and fell.

This is nice description, but it promotes an image of millions of leaves suddenly falling off the trees. :wink:

Or perhaps I was the only one who thought of that...

To prevent this, you could write something such as...

A single leaf, unable to hold onto its anchor, spiralled gently to the ground.

ear splittingly


It's simply "ear-splitting". There is no ly.

worry was present in his voice and clearly visible in his expression.



Capitalize "worry."

By the window father.”


Okay, whenever father appears in this piece it needs to be capitalized.

Well, only when it is being used as a name.

Even if his name is really Bob, to Aela, his is "Father." Father is essentially Bob's name. So whenever Aela addressed Bob as "Father", you should capitalize it as you would capitalize the name "Bob."

Examples:

"Pick up your room, you lazy child!" my mother screamed.

"Pick up your room, you lazy child!" Mother screamed.

Understand a bit?

Another problem you have:

Add commas before the names.

"By the window COMMA Father."

This is the only time I'm going to bug you about it, because the problem appears a lot. ^_^

Unfathomable


Would anyone really say this out loud?

“I will not!” Aela shouted after him, hoping he would hear.


Why on earth is she mad at him?

Overall

This is a nice little story, beckiw. I really want to know what the Leshy is now!

Hope this helped,
Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 10554
Reviews 272
Thank you Haruno!

Yes you give very helpful reviews thank you! And you keep me right with grammar lol I knew that about the comma before a name but I guess I forgot lol

When she talks about her Father in description. Like when Aela is saying that her Father sits in view of the front door, should I capitalise it then as well?

And she is mad at him because he won't answer her questions about the Leshy. So she is throwing a strop lol




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3225
Reviews 365
Here I am again. ^_^

You only need to capitalize "Father" when it is taking the place of his name.

For example:

"Hello, Father!"

If you were saying, "Hello, John!" You would capitalize John, wouldn't you? You wouldn't write, "Hello, john!"

Because "John" is a name, and should be capitalized.

Same with father in the instance above. ^^

If you say father in this context:

"Hello," I said to my father.

My father is not a name. Father is simply a noun in that sentence.

Whereas in:

"Hello," I said to Father.

Father is now a name.

Does that make any more sense whatsoever?

Hope this cleared things up a bit,
~~~Sakura~~~
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 10554
Reviews 272
Yeah that makes sense, Thank you! :) I'm just doing a quick edit now and possibly posting the second part tonight or tomorrow.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 233
Hi bekiw! :) I love this story so far- I'm really interested as to where it goes, great ending to this part! I'll go through with some nitpicks then give my general thoughts ;)

That which waited for some unknowing traveller to stumble from the path into the forest interior and then the mischief would begin.


I'm not sure about the ending to this sentence- perhaps rephrasing it would sound better, 'and then begin its mischief' might work better.

Aela woke suddenly and sat up straight in her bed, the laugh ringing in her ears.


I think laugh might sound better as laughter.

It was flung open and in rushed a middle-aged man, grey beginning to show in his chocolate brown hair.


Instead of just saying 'beginning to show in his' I'd change the description to something like 'grey speckling' or 'peppering' or even 'his chocolate brown hair showing a scattering of grey'.

“Friends? Unfathomable!” her father bellowed.


her needs a capital H :)

Her mind wandered back to thoughts of the Leshy.


I think this might sound better as 'to contemplating the Leshy'- just my preference :P

She reached the door and turned back into the kitchen for a moment to see her mother still bustling away busy with her task.


Instead of into the kitchen as she's not entering it again I'd say 'to face'.

After all they were strictly forbidden to do what she was about to do.


Instead of they I'd say 'it was strictly forbidden'.

The villagers stuck to the well-trodden paths, took gifts of sacrifices to the Leshy and deals were done to assure safe passage.


I'd rephrase this to 'taking gifts of sacrifices to the Leshy and dealing to assure safe passage.'

Aela always wondered why they couldn’t just make a deal with the Leshy so that they all might enjoy the forest but as usual no one wished to hear her questions or talk about the Leshy.


They followed her as she went deeper and deeper into the forest realm, annoyed by her giddiness and failure to think of the danger but also vaguely intrigued.


In both of these I think a dash before but would be effective to seperate the sentence a little.

Overall: Really great job! I could find barely any nitpicks :D

I think you have done well in setting the scene- I'm really intrigued as to what the Leshy is and where this will go. I think the story flows very well, you haven't skipped to quickly past anything or described things too much. One thing that I think could be changed (just an idea) would be perhaps to change what is in the italics to thoughts from her perspective- so instead of 'she' it would be I. I'm not sure how it would work but it could be something to experiment with (I think I might just be looking for something that could possibly be made different as this review has barely anything critical! :P)

For a title maybe just 'The Leshy'? Or perhaps 'The Leshy, The Woods and The Girl'?

All of these coments are just suggestions so don't take any notice if you think differently, Hope I've helped and good luck in the competition! :D
"Your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberries"
-Monty Python and The Holy Grail




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8947
Reviews 127
My word, Bex! This is fantastic! You got the almost old-fashioned, oldy-worldy tone exactly right, with the little bit of dialogue clearly showing the different characters' characters (haha lol). Yeah, just the few pinickity bits where you could replace a comma with a semi-colon, but otherwise pretty perfect. Yes, it is quite long but it was so good I barely noticed! You broke it up into different sections which I love, and got an interesting balance of the differing opinions of the Leshy - one the one hand, it's a (peaceful?) forest guardian, but on the other it's a strange thing that laughs in a high pitched voice at night and terrifies all the adults. I also think that every single teenager could relate to Aela - being told not to do something for reasons that your parents won't trust you with, and then going ahead and doing it anyway just because you had to the chance. Genius!



No great thing is created suddenly. There must be time. Give your best and always be kind.
— Epictetus