The time that Malc came to stay.
Malc; you’ve probably heard his name-after all, who hasn’t? When it comes down to it, you’ve probably heard of me as well, and the story that made us become a legend. Good opening line, kept me wanting to read more.But let me tell you something that you probably haven’t heard. That story that you’re all so familiar with is a lie. You don’t know the real version, the darker tale of my adventures, and everything leading up to the final battle. The one that you’d been told by your bedside as a child-the one you now tell your own children-was nothing more than a romantic fairy tale of the lightest kind. The true story is not a fairy tale, not someone’s romantic notion of a handsome prince coming to save the poor village Cinderella; it is real, and it contained some of the most horrifying things I’ve experienced in my life. This line seems a bit odd to me, maybe you could change it to something like this: The true story is not a fairy tale, not someone’s romantic notion of a handsome prince coming to save the poor village Cinderella. It is real. Containing some of the most horrifying things I've experienced in my life.This was the time that Malc came to stay for a while, [s]anyway[/s] before whisking me away on strange adventures.
The day he came, I was outside playing with my sister, Thalia. I was six and she was eight, but that didn’t make much difference to us. We were always together, she and I, her being the older, protective, more rebellious sister, me the shy, curious one.I think it would be better if you seperated that last sentence into two, the cut off point being at 'she and I'. Then starting a new sentence with: 'her being the older...' etc We were like two halves of a whole, even though we occasionally had an argument or a squabble over some silly little thing. But, in the end, we always made up and our lives went on as they always had.
That day, we were atop the hill where our small, round stone house with its thatch roof sat. I'm just wondering here... I thought it was 'thatched' not 'thatch'? Not sure though. I had my doll, Marta, and Thalia had hers, which she called Sasha. Remove the comma after Marta.We were playing some children’s game, pretending that we were mother’s, I think, when Thalia threw down her doll and made a face of disgust. I looked up at her, surprised and hurt. I think instead of a commas before and after 'I think' there should be dashes.
“This is stupid!” she said furiously, crossing her arms and kicking a pebble. “I’m too old for this. None of the other girls in the village play with dolls anymore!” She had recently started attending the Big School (as I called it) down in town and was finding out that it was quite different from our simple sheep farmer’s life. Down in town there were girls other than her pesky little sister, and lately we’d been having more and more arguments. I, still being a child, didn’t understand that she was growing up, trying to find her own way in the world, and I didn’t know why things were becoming different. Last sentence had way too many commas... You should start a new sentence after 'trying to find her own way in the world', then you could say: I didn't know why things were becoming different. As a sentence by itself it sort of gives it more importance and personally I think that sentence is better of byt itself.
She turned away from me, Sasha lying forgotten on the hard ground, and faced the path leading down our hill and into town. I stared at her with big eyes for a minute before tentatively reaching out and taking a small fistful of her plain tunic. First sentence confused me. The commas in front and behind: 'sasha lying forgotten on the hard ground' should be replaced by dashes. Highlighting the fact that since Thalia thinks she should grow up, she's abandoning all her childish habits and needs (that being Sasha.
“Thalie?” I asked, calling her by the nickname I’d giver her ever since I could talk because I hadn’t been able to say her name right back then. “Thalie, what’s wrong?” Extra long sentence alert! Here's your chance to add your favourite punctuation mark: the comma! *DUN DUN DUN*
She shook my hand off angrily, and I pulled back, my blue eyes wide with surprised tears.
“You! You’re what’s wrong!” she spat vehemently, her eyes piercing me with daggers as she turned back around. “Why can’t you just grow up! You’re such a baby!”
I jutted out my lower lip, pouting. Those tears in my eyes started to fall, her words stinging me worse than a thousand bees. “Am not a baby!” I said, even as I was crying. 'I said, even as I was crying' does not make sense to me... maybe you should change it to: 'as started to cry' or 'as fresh tears continued to form in my eyes, ready to fall' ?
“Are too! See, you’re crying like one!” she mocked me. change this to either: 'she said, mocking me.' or something along those lines. Her crinkly sand-colored hair blew in her face, and she fiercely flung it away from her eyes, the eyes that were the same as mine. That last sentence would be better as 'whice were identical to mine'
I didn’t reply, just stared angrily at the ground , hurt and bewildered by the way she was acting, not understanding why she did as she did.Divide into two sentences after 'the ground' Tears of rage made their way down my pudgy cheeks and freckled the dirt below For a while, neither of us said anything, the strained silence growing with each passing moment. .I really liked those last two sentence... They flowed wellThe sun [s]shown[/s] shone down on us, trying to warm our cold hearts, but not yet succeeding. Finally though, it must have melted Thalia’s a little because I heard her sigh and say, “Evie, I’m sorry. Forgive me?”
I stared moodily at the ground, still not answering, her words ringing in loops inside my head. “E-veee!” she whined, dragging out thepet [/u] name that I’d had since I was a year old. No one in their right mind wanted to go around calling a child “Evangeline” all the time, so I was just “Evie” to everyone.
“I said I was sorry! What else do you want me to do? Come on, Evie, please? Forgive me?” She put her fingers under my chin and I lifted my head up, [s]my eyes searching hers[/s] her eyes searching mine. Makes more sense this way.
Her brows were drawn together, and her face looking concerned. I bit my lip and nodded slowly, my tangled gold-brown curls bouncing with the motion. She smiled at me, showing no trace of the hostility she’d [s]had[/s] shown earlier, but from that moment on things were never the same between us again.
She hugged me, a quick, fleeting thing, again, dashes would be better there instead of the two commas.and then turned back to the road and gazed off into the distance. “Evie, I-“ she started to say, but didn’t finish. She stared, eyes glued to the road below and I watched her, wondering what she was doing.
“Thalie? Thalie, what’s wrong?” I asked, going up to her and tugging her sleeve like I’d done earlier.
“Look, Evie! See him? Down there!” she whispered excitedly to me, her tunic blowing in the wind as she stretched out her arm.
I looked to where she was pointing and gasped. I slid around to her back and peered out from behind her. A figure was lurching up our road, a small trail of dust blowing out from under its feet every time it stepped. A dark gray cloak hid its face and body from view, so it was impossible to say if it was a man or woman; though from its broad shoulders I would guess at a man. It swayed from side to side as it continued on a slow ascent, though the path was still mainly level. Briefly, I wondered if it was a drunk and shuddered, remembering Pa’s stories to Ma about intoxicated men at the pub in town. Thalia put her arm around me, and together we watched the dark speck draw closer and closer.
When it reached the bottommost edge of our hill, Thalia looked down at me. I saw that spark of adventure in her periwinkle eyes, the same one she got every time she tried to persuade me to do things our parents had spoken against. “C’mon, Evie! Let’s go closer!” she animatedly pleaded.
“Thalie! Ma said not to talk to strangers!” I complained.
She made a dismissive sound and said, “Don’t be such a baby! We’re not going to talk to him-we’re just going closer to watch. Besides, Ma never said we couldn’t watch, did she?” She put her hands on her hips and stared at me, looking like Ma when she wanted us to do something and we were being stubborn.
I didn’t answer, just stood there biting my lower lip, and finally Thalia huffed and said, “Fine! Stay here for all I care! I’m going closer!” With that, she marched down the hill and disappeared behind some bushes.Don't really need to comment on the last few paragraphs
! viewarticlebody.php?t=19162 Go there for a very good article on the proper use of commas 
But, in the enc, we always made up and our lives went on as they always had.
But what you probably don’t know is that that tale you’re all so fond of is a lie. Nothing like that ever could happen in real life, and in fact, never has.
However, there was a man who came into my life, a man who meant a great deal to me after his first appearance and in the years to come.
I'm not sure if its just me who thinks that though so ignore me if you like I'd maybe say something like 'from his first appearance and for many years after.' so that you are saying you liked him from the start instead of after the start. I asked, calling her by the nickname I’d giver her ever since I could talk because I hadn’t been able to say her name right back then.
Those tears in my eyes started to fall,
“Am not a baby!” I said, even as I was crying.
Her crinkly sand-colored hair blew in her face, and she fiercely flung it away from her eyes, the eyes that were the same as mine.
The sun shown down on us, trying to warm our cold hearts, but not yet succeeding.
She put her fingers under my chin and I lifted my head up, my eyes searching hers.
I asked, going up to her and tugging her sleeve like I’d done earlier.
I slid around to her back and peered out from behind her
With that, she marched down the hill and disappeared behind some bushes.
I love this beginning, I will definitely continue to read! One thing that I think could be added more on would be how scared Evie is feeling when her sister is persuading her to go- what is she thinking? Is her heart racing? That sort of thing so that the reader can really feel what she is feeling. I think you have set the scene really well and I can't see anything else overall that could be improved, great job! *star* I'm going to get around to editing eventually, but right now I'm more concerned with actually getting the story finished...or at least half-way through because this is my very, very, VERY rough draft! But please keep reviewing, I really need feedback! Thanks a bunch - you guys are great!
We’ve all been told this tale as children: the one where a handsome prince comes into the poor village and, even though she’s in rags, whisks the village girl away to his castle; they marry, and live happily ever after, leaving behind them a kingdom that’s prospering in a golden age.This is a long sentance for your first one. Too long. Instead of a semi-colon I'd suggest just splitting it into two seperate sentances. There also doesn't need to be a comma after "marry" it can just continue. On your first sentance you want to grab the reader's attention, and then keep it. You've grabbed it (with your naturalistic style of writing) but you havn't kept it. When I say naturalistic I mean that it sounds like it's coming from a person, and is speaking directly to the reader. Not all first persons do that, but by using the inclusive pronoun (we) you've included the reader. However, you can't drag your sentances out, the inclusive nature will only get you so far, and you need to keep them interested.
Nothing like that ever could happen in real life, and in fact, never has.These commas are not used right to make a flowing sentance. Remember to read through the sentances after you've written them, does it make sense? With this sort of comma use you're making part fo sentance feel added in, which can be very affective, however you need to make sure you're doing it to the right part. In this example it should either be the "in fact" that is excluded, in which case the commas need to be either side of it, or nothing at all, in which case there souldn't be commas at all.
But, in the end, we alwaysjust a typo
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