Revenge

As i walked to the one I loved.
All covered in blood.
I cried in fear.
But where the tears?
I was left with out a hope. With out my only love.
I sat there, looking at the sky.
Rage was there, peering through the clouds. Revenge! Revenge!
I stood up and kissed the corpse good-bye.
Where was the killer? He was going to die!

Hi Paper and Pencil! Welcome to YWS! I'm June, and I am going to review this for you .

Pah, no reviews yet? No fair.

As i walked to the one I loved.

The pronoun "I" should always be capitalized, dear .

All covered in blood.

This poses confusion for the reader. Are you covered in blood, or is it the one you love who is covered in blood?

I cried in fear.

But where the tears?

I think in the second line you mean, But where are the tears?

I was left with out a hope. With out my only love.

with out should be one word; without.

I sat there, looking at the sky.

Wait... why are you sitting looking at the sky, when you were walking to them covered in blood, crying in fear?[/quote]

Rage was there, peering through the clouds. Revenge! Revenge!

Rage was where? In the sky? Hm, why is rage in the sky? I mean, is there anything up there that should be mad? Maybe if you use rain or thunder to symbolize rage, then this would make more sense, dear.

I stood up and kissed the corpse good-bye.

Corpse? But, you never tell us there is a corpse, dear!

Where was the killer? He was going to die!

How do you know the killer is a He? It could be a revengeful female, y'know?


So, this poem was decent. It needs a bit of polishing and clarification, but it's a good base to expand upon.

Why use so many periods, though? Don't bring us to that many full stops throughout the poem! It's confusing for us, because with a period, we're preparing our minds for a new idea, yet, you continue.

So! Just pay attention to that, and revise this. I don't doubt that this could turn into a masterpiece.

Keep it up!

June

Emoticons should never, unless under threat of death, be allowed in a poem.

Now I am a victim of writing something in one mad go and then smiling like I just finished masturbating as show off the work to people who point out that everything is in a gigantic mess and I need to read it out loud before I ever show it off again. I can't blame you for that. But I can blame you for writing another banal piece of angst ridden poetry. If my words are strong it's because a poem of this mediocrity does not need a scalpel, it needs the sledgehammer.

But as I believe in poetry, and its power to enlighten and heal, I hope you keep writing. Just do it better.

Hi there!
First off, I hope I don’t come off to mean.

As i walked to the one I loved.
All covered in blood.
I cried in fear.
But where the tears?
I was left with out a hope. With out my only love.
I sat there, looking at the sky.
Rage was there, peering through the clouds. Revenge! Revenge!
I stood up and kissed the corpse good-bye.
Where was the killer? He was going to die!

Alright, so it’s not a hard thing to create typos, I’m sure you know ‘I’ should be capitalized. Then the line ’But where the tears’ just reads completely weird. I don’t like it, it seems far too out of place.
“with out” should be “without”.
“Revenge! Revenge!”
I think if you are going to use this bit, that it’d work best as its own line, rather as an add on to the one before. Finally “good-bye” and “die” are underlined because it seems like your rhymes are forced and aren’t necessarily, while necessary.
*Overall, not to bad, just overlook it a bit better. ^^