Chapter 13 - Cow Tippin' Pretty Boys
Inspirational Song: You’re So Vain by Carly Simon
Peter
a.k.a Hangover Guy
(the day after he joined the mob)
“Well, well, well. Would you look at Petey?” Leon said in that whiney, annoying voice of his. “You’s a pretty boy.”
From the way it came out of his mouth, I knew it wasn’t a compliment. I rolled my eyes and examined myself in the mirror again. Last night I’d had a nice hot meal and a full night’s sleep, thanks to ol’ Leon, who’d been ordered by Brutus to get me everything I needed. It was actually pretty funny to watch him running around, doing Brutus’ bidding like a lap dog. I made sure to keep my knee-slappin’ to myself.
I’d discovered that Brutus and his lackeys occupied the vacated space above the bar, which used to be the bartender’s home before he booked it. What a damn fool. Shoulda known better than to get involved with a mob leader.
Anyways, we’d moved up from the bar to the big empty room above it. I slept on the only bed after I’d eaten some food. The rest of the guys stayed downstairs with Brutus, probably discussing the “criteria” required of me to be a part of their little gang.
In the morning, Leon’d woken me up at the crack of dawn, saying that I’d had enough beauty sleep, and presented me with a new set of clothes. They were the same kinds of high feathered clothes the other guys wore; a white, satiny tunic beneath a velvety, burgundy topcoat, black trousers and shiny black shoes. I thought the attire was a little too dressy for me – well, a little too dressy for everyday wear in general – but Brutus said I had to look swank if I wanted to abide by them, so I had to shave off my beard and cut my scraggly hair.
I observed my reflection in the dimmed sunlight coming from the windows, not so sure what to think about how I looked. I was…cleaner…more polished…and a lot less creepy looking. It was a big change. But I s’pose change is a good thing.
“Who woulda thunk?” Leon said. He was sitting in a nearby chair with his legs propped up on a small table. His dirty blond hair wasn’t spiked today; it was slicked back with a little too much grease. Hilarity danced all over his face as he watched me.
“Don’t you got somethin’ better to do?” I muttered, glaring into the mirror and fiddling with the collars of my top coat.
“Nope,” Leon replied, grinning sadistically and leaning back in his chair.
“You sure? Doesn't your boss need you to go lick his boots some more?”
The smirk fell off his face. He opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off by loud thuds coming up the stairs.
Brutus lumbered into the room, followed by his four other lackeys in all their dark demeanor. Last night while I was eating, I was personally introduced to each member of the gang and a short synopsis of their life stories.
Sauntering next to Brutus was a dwarf who wore a rimmed hat over his head that hid half of his face, but didn’t conceal his round, red nose. His name was Dodger. He’d earned the nickname for being the speediest of the bunch. Couldn’t deny that he was quick, and not just for a dwarf, either. If it ever came down to foot race, I’d put all my money on Dodger against any one of these morons.
I’d also noticed that he sneezed quite a bit. And though he was a dwarf, he sneezed like a giant. Talked like an ogre, too; gruff and apelike. He told me he used to live with his six brothers and a pretty girl with snow white skin, but he decided he wanted somethin’ more out of his life. That was when he’d decided to join a mob. It was some pretty crazy logic if you asked me, but I didn’t say that out loud.
Strolling behind Brutus and Dodger was a man named Napoleon, and he was a pretty boy if I ever saw one, with his unnaturally perfect red hair, glittery golden eyes and blindingly white teeth. He seemed to know how good lookin’ he was, too. Basked in it, worshipping himself in anything that had a reflection.
In the short time that I’d known him, I’d noted that he didn’t utter a single word. As it turns out, there was a reason for that. Since he couldn’t say so himself, Brutus told me the story. Once upon a time, Napoleon was an average-looking guy. But that just wasn’t enough for him. One day, he’d made a deal with a witch to trade his voice for the perfect face, and voila, he was a beautiful man. Heh, s’pose beauty like that has to come with a price. Heh.
Following after Napolean was Titan. It was easy to see why they called him that. The man was a leviathan. He was nearly two feet taller than Brutus himself, and the way his midnight black skin stretched over his walloping muscles reminded me of an overstuffed potato sack.
Titan used to be a sugar plantation farmer from a very far, very exotic island (which explained his strange accent). He got all his hulkin’ muscles by wrestling the snakes that came onto his farmland. They must’ve been some pretty dang big snakes. As well as being a farmer, Titan was also a sailor. A few years ago, he was shipping the goods over to a distant continent when his ship was attacked by a group of sea serpents. He couldn’t take on snakes of that size. Got shipwrecked. It was a miracle that he even survived. He held on to a floating piece of his ship and was carried by the waves of the ocean to a nearby island where Brutus and his lackeys were hanging out on the beach, sippin’ on a couple of mojitos.
When Brutus saw Titan pushed up onto the shore, he was impressed by his elephantine physique. Offered him a spot in the gang. Titan, who was tired of fighting off snakes, gratefully accepted. Brutus didn’t seem to care much about his lackeys, but if I had to put a bet on somebody he valued the most, it would be Titan. Him, and the last guy to enter the room.
Walking with deadly grace and sticking to the shadows to avoid the sunlight was a vampire named Reaver. He had stone cold blue eyes, chalky white skin and messy hair the color of ash. The air that he breathed was frosty. You could see the mist whenever he exhaled. The guy seriously gave me the creeps. Brutus assured me that, for some strange, unfathomable reason, Reaver had a preference for sheep’s blood only. Like I said, strange.
I guess he was a pretty big asset to the bunch. The wisest, for he was almost a century older than the rest of them, though he barely looked like he’d even hit his twenties yet. This made me wonder why he wasn’t the leader of the group instead of Brutus. But I got the feeling that he didn’t really care, just wanted a crowd he could float with. He kinda reminded me of myself. He seemed really bored most of the time.
Reaver elegantly lowered himself onto the couch next to Leon and put his legs up onto the armrest. He grabbed a book lying on the table and began to flip through it. From the way he roamed over the pages, it seemed like he’d read the book before.
Napoleon came to stand next to me and nonchalantly shoved me aside so that he could admire his perfection in the mirror. He made flirty eyes at his reflection.
Leon hopped out of his seat and stomped over to Brutus, Dodger and Titan. “Hey, guys, look at Petey! He’s a pretty boy, ain’t he?”
“Shut up Leon,” Brutus muttered. Then he looked me up and down appraisingly. “You look sharp, Peter.”
“Yeah, man,” Titan agreed. “You could even pass for one of us.” He clapped a giant hand on my shoulder and I sank underneath the weight.
“Not so sure what to think about that,” I mumbled.
“Hold it, you ain’t one of us just yet,” Leon said. “You may look the part, but you gotta start acting the part, too.”
“Aren’t tryouts over yet?” I complained. I wanted to get this show on the road.
“Why, of course not, Petey!” Leon said delightfully, throwing an arm over my shoulders. The sudden shift in his mood put me on edge. “We gotta know we can rely on you first.”
“What do I have to do?” I grumbled.
“Now, now,” Brutus said in a tone that implied he was speaking to a child. “Let’s not get too hasty. We have to wait till it’s dark to put this mission into launch.”
“More waiting?” I muttered.
“In the meantime, why don’t we go downstairs for a couple of rounds?” Brutus suggested.
I instantly perked up. “Sounds good to me.”
I started walking to the stairs when Titan’s hand landed down on my shoulder again and stopped me.
“Whoa, now. Not you, Petey,” Brutus objected. “You gotta stay sober for the job we have for you.”
“So just what am I supposed to do now, then?”
“Do what you want, but stay away from the booze.”
I pursed my lips. Maybe I could sneak in a couple of shots when they weren’t lookin’…
“And don’t even think about sneakin’ a couple of shots when I’m not lookin’.” Brutus warned. “Dodger’ll swipe that drink out of your hands faster than lightning.”
I looked down at the dwarf. He winked at me conspicuously.
“Don’t worry, Petey. You can get to know Reaver up here. He’s not much of a drinker.” Leon said, nodding at the vampire seated on the couch. He looked up from the book he was reading and rolled his eyes. Leon added, “Well, he ain’t much of a booze drinker, anyways.”
He smirked evilly, and then followed Brutus, Dodger and Titan back downstairs to the bar. I expected Napoleon to go with them, but he couldn’t seem to tear himself away from the mirror. He posed and smiled at himself coyly. I shook my head. Bizarre.
“Aggravating, aren’t they?” Reaver spoke. I turned to look at him. He was still flipping through the pages of the book in his hands. “They’re annoying enough as they already are, so I try to stay away from them when they’re in their drunken state.”
He tossed the book aside and rose off the couch in one fluid movement. He glanced at Napoleon, who was spellbound by his own reflection, and rolled his eyes.
“I can’t say he’s as irritating as the others, granting his inability to speak. But that,” he jabbed his thumb at Napoleon’s fixation, “gets on my nerves.”
“How long have you been with these guys, anyways?” I wondered.
“Not very long, considering my age. But I was the second to join after Leon,” Reaver said. He wandered over to the grandfather clock next to a dresser. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully as he examined it.
“Huh,” I said.
“Hmm?” Reaver murmured, lost in his own thoughts. “What was that?”
“Nothin’. It’s just that you don’t seem like the kind of guy who would take orders from anyone.”
Reaver sighed and grabbed the umbrella leaning on the clock, spun it around in his fingers. “Honestly, I don’t consider myself to be a part of their little coterie. Brutus only sees use in the fact that I’m a vampire. It adds a little bit of a ‘scare factor’ to the group. Though I think he would do alright in that department with Titan.”
I looked back at Napoleon, still admiring himself. If that was the case, how did he get into the mob?
“Napoleon can charm his way through pretty much anything with his looks alone,” Reaver explained, judging where my thoughts had gone. “Otherwise, he’s useless.”
Napoleon frowned at Reaver, but then shrugged and quickly went back to adoring himself.
“And Leon?” I asked. He didn’t seem very useful, either.
Reaver shrugged. “I don’t know the story there. Rather a mystery, actually…”
“So what does Brutus see in me?”
“He thinks you’re brave.”
“Brave?” I repeated, skeptical.
He nodded, then looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully. “Well, that, and he thinks you have nothing else to live for.”
I chuckled. “Yeah, he nailed it right on the spot with the second one.”
Reaver smiled enigmatically. “Believe me, my friend; I know exactly how that feels.”
We both laughed simultaneously, sharing the same dark humor.
“So,” I began, “Do you know what those goons have in mind for me tonight?”
“I don’t think you’d believe me if I told you,” Reaver admitted.
“Try me,”
He shook his head. “Nah, I think it would be better to wait for the surprise, mate.”
And with that, he strolled to the stairs and twirled the umbrella in his hand as he descended.
“I don’t like surprises,” I muttered, following him down the steps and leaving Napoleon, for he didn’t seem to mind being alone with a mirror.
***
“Cow tipping?” I uttered in disbelief, “Really?”
After the sun had set, they’d dragged me out of Shelton and through the woods to a farm nearby. Reaver and Napoleon lead the way, since the rest of them were too drunk to know where they were going. Miraculously, we all stayed together without getting lost.
The seven of us hunkered behind a bunch of bushes, staring out at a field full of sleeping cows. The stars in the night sky illuminated the darkness. There was a single white house on the other side of the field and a few barns scattered around it.
Brutus slung an arm over my shoulder and spoke with a drunken slur, “Sure, Petey boy! Why, when I was a man young, this was what I did to time the pass! He, he, he!”
The rest of the drunks whooped with laughter, and I was surprised that that alone didn’t wake up all the damn cows. Napoleon and Reaver looked just as annoyed as I felt.
“Ridiculous,” Reaver muttered.
“How do I do it?” I groaned.
“It’s real simple, pretty boy,” Leon garbled, leaning in close to my face. Ugh, I could smell the booze on his breath. Maybe this was a good incentive for me to quit drinking. “All you gotta do is sneak up on a cow from behind, and then push! Real simple, pretty boy,” he repeated. “Real simple.”
I found it hard to believe that they couldn’t find something more creative for me to do. Honestly, this was the kind of thing stupid teenagers did when they were bored. I hated teenagers.
“Alright,” I grumbled. Reluctantly, I crept out of the bush and began to make my way down to the field.
“Oi, Peter!” I recognized Titan’s booming voice calling after me. “Don’t forget to run, man!”
“Yeah, yeah,” I mumbled, moving onwards.
I carefully hopped the fence surrounding the field and tiptoed across the plush grass, praying that I wasn’t steppin’ in any cow pies.
The nearest cow was a couple of yards away. I quietly made my way over to her so as not to wake her up. I swallowed and focused on breathing in and out for a moment. Peter, you’re going to regret this.
I set my jaw and placed both hands on one of the cow’s flanks, then pushed with a hard, but smooth stroke. It fell forward like a tree knocked down in a fierce wind. I watched with utter fascination. The cow woke up with wide startled eyes. It opened its mouth and released a deafening moo into the air. It was so loud it could have been heard from all the way across the field.
The next thing I knew, every cow on the field had woken up, one by one, shrieking out their terror.
“Moo!”
“Moo!”
“Moo!”
All of a sudden, the ground started to rumble. I heard loud, thundering steps on the ground. I looked up from the cow I’d just tipped and saw a swarm of them cantering all over the field. For a second all I could do was stare. A moment later, the realization dawned on me that if I didn’t move, I would get trampled on.
I turned around and pumped my legs as hard as I could, running to get away from the stampede. Luckily, I hopped the fence in a short amount of time and ran up the hill to the bush where the other guys were waiting.
I heard their boisterous laughter as I came closer. I clenched my teeth angrily and ducked behind the bush. Leon was rolling around on the grass in hysterics. Dodger, Brutus and Titan were doubled over with uncontrollable laughter. Reaver and Napoleon were a little more mature, only smirking with good humor.
“Happy now?” I growled once the idiots were done guffawing.
“Yep,” Leon twittered. “Now we know we can rely on you for anything.”
I ground my teeth together.
“Hey, cheer up, soldier,” Brutus said, “Don’t tell me that wasn’t fun for you.”
“It wasn’t.”
“Huh,” he said thoughtfully. “Maybe this’ll change your mind.”
He put a hand on my shoulder and wheeled me around to look down at the mess I made on the farm. All the cows were roaming around, mooing their heads off. I had to admit, they looked kinda goofy.
A light went on in the house on the farm and a man stepped outside in his long johns. He looked around at the panicking cows with a mystified expression.
Now that was something I couldn’t help but laugh at. The look on his face!
“See?” Brutus said. “Who said you couldn’t be part of a mob and have fun at the same time?”
I stopped laughing and turned to look at him. “Does that mean I’m a part of this little gang, now?”
He put a hand on my arm and wobbled slightly. “Let me get back to you on that…in the morning.”
And then he passed out, drunk
***
Note on cow tipping: I researched cow tipping on wikipedia, and as it turns out, you can't tip a cow. At least not while they're sleeping and not single handedly. All I'm saying is this is just story and I made it so that it was easy for Peter to tip a cow by himself. As you can see, I don't know a thing about how to tip cows, so that last part of the chapter may have been a little mediocre. Sorry!
They'd hear you coming and they're never fully asleep. Believe you me. I can't even sneak up on a cow (to pet it I mean!) They weigh at least ten times more than a person does. Now calves (if you can catch them) are another story. But when I read this sentence:
