Pride

The title is subject to change because I'm not sure if I like it or not. This is something I'm working on for a contest. Once of the guidelines for the contest is it has to be 750 words or less, so lemme know what you think of this

I looked up at the house with its faded white siding. The faded white siding I had helped put up when I was twelve. The green grass I had helped plant in my freshman year of high school now sat in the yard, barn and decaying. The shingles on the roof that I had put up before leaving for college. Everything decaying from the last time I was there.
"Hey buddy," the cab driver shouted, "are you gonna go in or what?"
I snapped out of my day dream. "Sorry," I said as I handed him his money and stepped out of the rusty yellow cab, slinging my dark green duffel over my shoulder.
I stared up at the house again as the cab drove away. "It's now or never," I told myself.
I walked along the stone pathway that was now filled with cracks and looked at the broken lawn ornaments that littered the yard. I walked up onto the wooden deck that creaked and moaned under my steps and knocked on the old, faded door.
"I'm comin'," I heard a man yell from inside.
The door swung open with a loud creak and a man appeared, his clothes were battered and his body looked as if he did nothing more than sit in front of a TV and eat. "Yeah?" the man said. "Oh. It's you."
The man left the door open and walked away. I tightened my grip on my bag and walked inside.
"Finally done playing army man?" the man asked as he sat in his recliner in front of the TV. "Gonna go get a real job now?"
"Not exactly," I said, setting my bag on the floor. "I came to tell you, that I'm going to reenlist."
"Humph," the man said as he set down his beer. "After everything your mother and I did for you, and this is how you repay us? You waste your eduction by to joining the army?" He shook his head. "I always knew you were going to be nothing but a failure."
"I'm not wasting my education," I told him. "I'm using it to serve my country. Instead of wasting my education sitting in an office fixing rich people's computers, I'm out there," I said pointing out the window, "using my knowledge to help the army."
"Humph," the man said taking a drink of his beer. "Your mother must be rolling over in her grave. After all the money she shelled out for you to attend that fancy MIT. I told her it would be a waste. She should have listened to me, instead of spending her life savings on you."
I picked up my bag off the floor and put it over my shoulder. "Mom would've been proud to see me serving my country," I said as I walked out of the house, slamming the door shut.
I walked though the mess of a yard that had once been my father’s pride and joy and headed down the street. I stopped walking halfway down the street and turned around. A tear slid down my cheek as I looked at the decaying ruins of the house of my childhood. Brushing the tear away, I continued walking, determined to be better than my father.

Hehe, I'm finding my name more and more in older books! Jane Eyre AND Emma? =D Also in The Notebook. Hehehe. I like my name too, but not my last name. -shrugs- Anyways, here goes! ^_^

After reading it through once, it seems rather bland, to be honest. I know there's a bit of conflict, but it seems over so fast! I also acknowledge that the piece is meant to be short, but you could have focused on something else to the same effect. =/

I looked up at the house with its faded white siding. The faded white siding I had helped put up when I was twelve. The green grass I had helped plant in my freshman year of high school now sat in the yard, barn and decaying. The shingles on the roof that I had put up before leaving for college. Everything decaying from the last time I was there.

"Hey buddy," the cab driver shouted, "are you gonna go in or what?"

Firstly, the first sentence is kind of... D: messed up? Structurally, that is. Why must you separate the first two sentences? They fit perfectly together and you can save words there to use building more conflict. Also, how would grass 'sit' in the yard, and what do you mean by 'barn'? Also, what were the shingles doing? =/ Meh, I mean, maybe it's the artistic fragment kind of thing again, but I don't really like it. You can try to smooth it out! ^_^ Also, I don't know that the cab driver would care if the customer went in a house or not, just that they got paid, so maybe you can have the driver ask for the payment instead -- it'll still wake the MC out of his reverie. ^_^

his clothes were battered and his body looked as if he did nothing more than sit in front of a TV and eat.

I thought this was a point where you could spend more time on description. HOW did it look like he sat in front of the TV and ate? What clues the MC into that? Maybe you can also take the time to describe the MC to really drive home the contrast that he's tried for between himself and his father.

"using my knowledge to help the army."

'Help the army' just seems kind of weak. Help the country? Help /my/ country? Maybe something like that would be better.

A tear slid down my cheek as I looked at the decaying ruins of the house of my childhood. Brushing the tear away, I continued walking, determined to be better than my father.

Is the tear necessary, and is it in character? Would the character cry, really? I'd assume he'd be used to his father stubbornness by this time and might not have even wasted the time on stopping in. =/ Well, I guess that's up to you.

Overall, even if you don't think you have space to create any kind of action-conflict, try heightening the contrast between the main character and his father to add to the meaning of the last few lines and the message behind the whole story. ^_^ Be sure to use your words wisely so you can keep under the word limit!

Good work!

-Hannah-

Hi! I really liked this story- Its not got a lot of action but I don't think that matters as it describes an emotional moment that is just as good as any fight scene! I haven't read through the previous comments so sorry if I repeat anything

The green grass I had helped plant in my freshman year of high school now sat in the yard, barn and decaying.

I'm not sure what you mean by barn- is it a misprint? Brown would work well here so I'm wondering if that is what you mean to write

I walked along the stone pathway that was now filled with cracks and looked at the broken lawn ornaments that littered the yard. I walked up onto the wooden deck that creaked and moaned under my steps and knocked on the old, faded door.

I'd replace 'that was' after 'stone pathway' with a comma and add another description to go with 'filled with cracks' with a comma afterwards before 'and looked'- perhaps something about the colour, weeds or being worn partly away?
As you say walked in the first sentence, I'd change the second walked to something else- maybe 'I stepped up' would work well, then replacing 'my steps' with 'my feet'.

The door swung open with a loud creak and a man appeared, his clothes were battered and his body looked as if he did nothing more than sit in front of a TV and eat.

You've already used 'creaked' to describe the wooden deck so I'd use something else here- maybe screech? I'd change the comma after 'man appeared' to a dash or a full stop. I'm not sure about 'his body looked as if he did nothing more than sit in front of a T.V. and eat'- perhaps it would sound better written as something like this 'his body looked as if it was used for little else than sitting in front of the T.V. and being fed.'

"Yeah?" the man said. "Oh. It's you."
The man left the door open and walked away. I tightened my grip on my bag and walked inside.

You use walked twice here, I'd change one.

"After everything your mother and I did for you, and this is how you repay us? You waste your eduction by to joining the army?" He shook his head. "I always knew you were going to be nothing but a failure."

I'd leave out the and after 'did for you,' I'd maybe change 'you were going to be' to 'you were going to end up as'.

"Your mother must be rolling over in her grave.

'spinning in her grave' is a more commonly used phrase that might work a bit better her, its up to you though

I picked up my bag off the floor and put it over my shoulder. "Mom would've been proud to see me serving my country," I said as I walked out of the house, slamming the door shut.

As you have already written 'serving my country' I'd perhaps say something else or change the previous one, like 'doing my bit'- you can probably come up with something better. I think you could say something better than 'put it over my shoulder'- hoisted/heaved/swung might work well here
I'd also add 'behind me' after 'slamming the door shut.'

I walked though the mess of a yard that had once been my father’s pride and joy and headed down the street. I stopped walking halfway down the street and turned around.

I'd change the last sentence so you're not repeating 'down the street' and walking. you could instead say something like 'I stopped after a few seconds and turned around.'

Overall comments: I thought this was a really well written story! You manage to describe the house and the relationship between the son and father to the reader brilliantly- especially considering the piece is so short.

I noticed that you repeated 'walk' a lot where another action could be used. I understand you have a word limit but if you do have any left over that you could use I'd maybe describe the voice of the man and perhaps his expression when talking to his son. Other than that I wouldn't really change anything

All these are just my opinion so you don't have to listen to the comments I've made if you think something else Hope I've helped!

Hey, R. Ghallagher!

Here as requested!

It looks like all the nit-picks have been taken, so I'll just give you an overall.

Prose

You start nearly every sentence with the word I. I know your story is in first person, but using I to begin every sentence makes your sentences boring, repetitive, and choppy.

For example:


"I'll try," I whispered, and took her hand. I... etc.

Could easily be more interesting:

Taking her hand, I whispered softly into her ear. "I'll try."

You also tend to use the same words again and again. I know you have a word limit, but try to vary your vocabulary.

Description

This is just one example of a problem I noticed appear several times in this piece:

his clothes were battered and his body looked as if he did nothing more than sit in front of a TV and eat.

That's nice, but what if I don't know what that looks like?

When describing something in writing, pretend your reader has no idea what that looks like.

Your description could be re-written as:

"His gut bulged through his dirty tank top, which had been stained by years of frozen TV dinners."

When describing things, think about the five senses:

--What does it sound/smell/taste/look/feel like?

Realisticness

When the soldier/MC was explaining to his father why he was in the Army, it felt kind of corny. Would he really go all the way home just to tell his father that? It seems like he knew his father wouldn't be proud of him.
Also, most parents are very proud of their sons/daughters who are in the military.

Hope this helped,
Sakura

I think that it's a good start. I could relate becuase my cousin has a degree in Computers and works for the military. His mohter didn't want him to go either.

I thought that you could have a little more emotion from the dad. I feel like his Father wasn't at all interested in what his son was doing at all. He hsould have made a bigger deal about wanting his son to get a job. Heshould have kept going back to well wh ydon't you stay here and get a job.

Other than that I thought that it was really good. I love were this story is going. I'm curious to see what happened to his mom. did she die tragically??

Can't wait for more!!!! Hope this helps!!!!!!!!

Hi Gallagher! I'm Conrad Rice, and I'm here to give you a courtesy review for entering this in CIA's contest.

There seems to be some wasted potential with this story here. You give an interesting concept here. And you describe it all well, what you do describe. And therein lies the problem. This whole piece seems rather rushed to me. You could have added a little length to this, necessary length that could have increased this piece's emotional impact. But, because this piece is so brief, we aren't around long enough to be affected by anything that goes on here. Consider developing the main character, mostly. As it is, he's just a talking head. We don't really learn his motivations or his feelings other than what he tells us. If he's going to be the main character, these are things we need to know.

It's a good story, don't get me wrong. You just need to give it a little more work before it can be a great story. PM me if you have any questions. Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Hey! Thanks for entering CIA's sacrifice contest. It was a little hard to see what he was giving up - his father, maybe? His hopes of his approval? But I did like the story.

One main problem I had with this piece was how you described the house. It sounded very bland. I’m not sure if it’s technically passive, but it sure feels that way.

Play around with the order a little bit. Rather than saying “The green grass I had helped plant in my freshman year of high school now sat in the yard, barn and decaying”, say “Brown, decaying grass now covered the yard, remnants of the green grass I had helped plant my freshman year.” Try to start with how it currently is, then go into the past. It sets the mood a lot better. Saying something is ‘painless’ reminds people of the pain, which is why you should say ‘comfortable’. Same here. Don’t remind us of the good – really show us what it is at the moment.

Also, you tend to use two words to describe everything. One, three, or even none will do at times. Try to vary it up.

Other than that, I only had one complaint. The length. Yes, the requirement was 750 words, but you can’t force a story that wants to be 7,500 words to be 750.

At the moment, I feel nothing. I’m not going to remember this story by the time I finish judging, because it doesn’t affect me in any way. I want my thoughts to be changed, my opinions challenged. I want to see the boy yelling at his father, the father slamming a beer on the ground. I want to see their change, but I see nothing. Show me their emotions. Every little event changes you in some way or another – show me how this changed them.

For example, why does the army mean so much to this boy? Why did the father give up everything after his wife’s death? Why does this boy even bother to tell his father he’s reenlisting? What does he think his father will say? What will he do if his father’s proud?

Think about the characters. They need reasons for their actions, and we need to see them. Maybe the boy notices the lack of photos of his mom – his father can’t bear to see them. Stuff like that.

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415

Hi! I'm BBqueen and I will be reviewing your story today let’s get started.
COMPLIMENTS
I like how all the characters were so real. Especially the man's father.
COMPLAINTS

I looked up at the house with its faded white siding. The faded white siding I had helped put up when I was twelve. The green grass I had helped plant in my freshman year of high school now sat in the yard, barn and decaying. The shingles on the roof that I had put up before leaving for college. Everything decaying from the last time I was there.

No one wants a big information dump right at the beginning of a book. It makes the reader want to put down the book. You could fix this by putting dialogue right at the beginning. That way you get action and adventure and the reader will want to read more. You could put this in the beginning:

Hey buddy," the cab driver shouted, "are you gonna go in or what?"

You also described things a little too much. Let the reader create the painting in their head. These doses not mean putting no detail. Just put the right amount to create an outline for the reader and let them fill in all the rest.
I would also like to know more about the man's mother. How did she die? And why is the father not working? Dose the man miss his mother?
OVERALL
This story was okay. I know it will be better once you edit it. I hope you continue writing this because it could be an awesome story.
Good Luck!

I looked up at the house with its faded white siding. The faded white siding I had helped put up when I was twelve.

The second part is redundant. I'd make it just, "I looked up at the house with its faded white siding that I had helped put up when I was twelve.

The green grass I had helped plant in my freshman year of high school now sat in the yard, barn and decaying.

If I'm not mistaken, "barn" is a noun. Here it sounds like you've used it as an adjective. I'd rearrange the sentence so it doesn't sound that way.

The shingles on the roof that I had put up before leaving for college. Everything decaying from the last time I was there.

It sounds like you've forgotten to mention something here. "I looked at the shingles on the roof..." Also, you've used "decaying" already in the last sentence. This is where a thesaurus comes in handy.

I snapped out of my day dream. "Sorry," I said as I handed him his money and stepped out of the rusty yellow cab, slinging my dark green duffel over my shoulder.
I stared up at the house again as the cab drove away. "It's now or never," I told myself.
I walked along the stone pathway that was now filled with cracks and looked at the broken lawn ornaments that littered the yard. I walked up onto the wooden deck that creaked and moaned under my steps and knocked on the old, faded door.

Notice a pattern here? Almost every sentence starts with "I". You need to be more creative. Also, you're using the word "faded" too much. How about "old" or "discolored"? Like I said, a thesaurus can be your best friend.

"After everything your mother and I did for you, and this is how you repay us?

I'd cut out the "and".

I said pointing out the window,

Comma after "said".

"Humph," the man said taking a drink of his beer.

Same here.

I picked up my bag off the floor and put it over my shoulder.

The way you phrased that it doesn't sound correct. I'd make it, "I picked up my bag and put it over my shoulder."

A tear slid down my cheek as I looked at the decaying ruins of the house of my childhood.

That would be the third time you've used "decaying" in a fairly short story.

Which brings me to my next point, I'm not very impressed with this. It's...well, how I can I say this? Lifeless. For a short story, it's best if you go all out with descriptions and really go in depth with the characters emotions/relationships, which you did, but not as well as I think you're capable of doing. Mainly I thought the boy was flat up until the very end. This reads more like a first chapter than a short story because of the way it left me hanging at the end, I wasn't satisfied with it at all.

The father's indifference could have been interpreted a number of ways. Maybe he doesn't want his son to endanger his own life? Sometimes people choose to be angry at someone if they feel that they're going to lose them. Of course, told from the boys perspective, it's easy to see his father's reaction as a lack of pride in him. I'm just saying that you need to consider all this to tighten up the story a bit. Maybe you could mention his mother. That might make this a little more interesting. I want to know what SHE thinks about her son going to the army.

Sorry this was harsh. Hope I didn't crush your dreams. Good luck with this.