Loneliness

It ravages my chest,
taking its fill of my heart
I cry for it to stop,
but destruction is its art.
Broken and shattered
with not one help in my sight.
It buries me beneath-
the touches of human light
And traps my body
into great blackness that sears my will.
My tears it ignores
my plight becomes its mean thrill
To see my back snapped
and my fingers withered from pain
Brings it pleasure and fun
as it pulls me with its chain.
It takes such delight and laughs,
saying no one will come
And I quiver;
I quiver within my mind, a slum
Because here in this cage, without you,
I am alone
And as time passes,
I fear my heart will stay unknown.

Loneliness, I am near it; it's claws on my neck
I sink back into its winter and die a wreck

Hello! I completely reformatted this for you. It flows better and looks a lot less cramped than before. Also, the rhyme scheme works like this too. Also, I changed some of your words to make it flow better. Look it over and see what I changed.

It ravages my chest,
taking its fill of my heart
I cry for it to stop,
but destruction is its art.

Broken and shattered
with not one help in my sight.
It buries me beneath-
the touches of human light

And traps my body
into great blackness that sears my will.
My tears it ignores
my plight becomes its mean thrill

To see my back snapped
and my fingers withered from pain
Brings it pleasure and fun
as it pulls me with its chain.

It takes such delight and laughs,
saying no one will come
And I quiver;
I quiver within my mind, a slum

Because here in this cage, without you,
I am alone
And as time passes,
I fear my heart will turn to stone.

Loneliness, I am near it; it's claws on my neck
I sink back into its winter and die a wreck

Overall, I thought this was a wonderful poem that really portrayed the true essence of what it's like to be completely alone and without anyone to console you and keep your morale high. I loved you constant use of figurative language; the metaphors were well done.

I do think that this poem can be confined to a syllable pattern. It already has a flow that is helped with the rhyme scheme you set up. Lot's of people tell me that they don't use syllable patterns/ don't need to but really I think that syllable patterns enhance the quality of the poem. Just try it out and see what you think.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Thank you Threnody! I'll be sure to use your suggestions as I think they help. Thanks again!

Suzu

Hello there,

I thought your poem was brilliant. It portrayed excellent metaphors and I thought it captured the emotion very well. I know what it's like to be lonely. That's why I read your poem, because the subject line caught my attention. I'm sorry if you wrote this because you honestly do feel lonely. Loneliness isn't something that you can just run away from..sometimes it seems faster and stronger than you are. But that doesn't mean we have to let it drag us down. Life always has a brighter side

hugs* & smiles*
-thevoiceinside

That was amazing. I don't think I've ever read anything like that, but wow, it was amazzing. Slightly cramped in the first stanza and really short in the second, but your wording was absolutly amazing. The poem really had a lot of feeling to it. The metaphors were great, but just wow. Amazing.

Thank you Thevoiceinside and Ariana! Yeah, this poem reflects how I feel about loneliness since I'm feeling it right now. Thanks for the encouragment as well Voice! Thanks for your suggestions Ariana; I'll keep them in mind.

Suzu

I agree with the reformatting of the poem - by doing this it'd be a lot easier to read and it'd flow better. Plus, as I was reading through it, I kinda got a bit bored about the whole thing because one; it is all in one block and two; I'm not a fan of reaaallly long poems - but that's personal preference.

You did portray the idea of lonliness pretty well here, although it's not really a very original idea and sometimes I find it slightly cliched;

"I fear my heart will turn to stone."

But then, I came to this line which I found really new and original, so good work for adding something to such a well used topic in poetry;

"To see my back snapped and my fingers withered from pain"

Overall I did like this, although it took me a while to get into the flow of things. In some places, you cram the lines full a little and it messes with the flow, so try not to add too many words into places - by doing this you end up becoming more direct to the user, too! [I'm talking about lines three and five, by the way.]

Good work!

Thanks for your suggestions Serendipity! It's a 13 syllable poem, but I'll cut it up to make it flow better. I also replaced the cliche line. Thanks!