-Inconcessus-Seven

Hola, reviewers and readers alike! I haven't posted in a long time for this piece but that's because I've had my doubts about this again I know, I'm horrible... I have such a bad habit of not sticking to one topic for very long. Anyway, this chapter was kind of difficult to write.

Also, for those of you have been wondering about that one character from Poisoned Roses, he is finally introduced

Happy Reading!

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CHAPTER SEVEN

I was so consumed by my beating heart that I didn’t hear him approach until it was too late. Nate hit me with a powerful blow to the head, knocking me sideways into the earth. Leaping to my feet in one fluid movement, I faced him and stumbled slightly at his astonishing manifestation.
Eyes the color of spilled blood, skin pasty like aged paper, nails four-inch daggers poised to attack again. A feral snarl ripped from his throat, causing the near-by wildlife to flee in terror. His hair was even wilder, as if the coils were each individual strands of energy standing on end. His fangs were longer than normal, at least an inch longer than mine had been.
I knew what had happened to him. He had let his primal side get the better of him and now he was on a rampage. Standing straighter, I opened my mouth to talk to him but he moved with blinding speed, knocking me off my feet while at the same time slicing open my face from temple to jaw. Crying out, my black blood gushed out of the wound as I covered it with my palm. It pooled around my fingers, feeling like frozen water, numbing my fingers.
“Nate,” I whispered, standing shakily to my feet. I was still too shocked at what he had done to me to think clearly. “Please, shake out of it,” I pleaded, my eyes imploring him to listen.
He just cocked his head to the side like a confused puppy dog, though he was more treacherous than an enraged mother bear. His ruby lips lifted in a malicious smile before taking a step closer to me. I held up my hands, one covered in my ebony blood, the other pearly white, my fingers trembling.
Another low growl was released from his lips and I knew I had no chance against him. When a vampire lets his primitive side take over, he was stronger than anything on this earth.
When Nate charged me, I tried to fight but I only lasted mere seconds before his foot connected with my head, making stars appear before my eyes.
Dropping to my knees, I moaned in agony, the blood cooling on my face, making me light-headed at the loss. He laughed sickly before coughing, hunching over. It was his one moment of weakness and I took action. Leaping to my feet, I punched both fists into his chest, knocking him into a tree with a loud boom. He stumbled a bit afterwards, shaking his head, and I breathed easier, hoping it would be finished.
Instead he lifted his head eyes now a dangerous black of anger. I only had time to hold up my hands before he was everywhere, his limbs making contact with every inch of my body. I felt myself being lifted into the air and then thrown into the earth, my head crashing into a rock with a loud crack. Blackness consumed my vision and then, with another coughing fit from Nate, silence descended upon my world.

* * * *

“Dude, just leave her. She’s probably wasted or something. Let’s just get out of her.”
“I can’t just leave her here!”
“Oh man, there’s lots of blood over here…”
“Ah shit!”
“What?”
“She’s hurt.”
“Come on, Isaac, let’s go. If someone finds us out here, they’ll think we’re involved or something.”
“Greg, just shut it and call 911. I’ll try to see if she’s still breathing.”
The voices were muddled, running together, fading in and out, as I struggled to regain consciousness. My head throbbed, along with my chest, as if weight was steadily being applied to my upper body. I felt warm hands slowly roll me over, my face now exposed to a steady breeze of clement air. I felt fingers press against my neck and then a sharp intake of air somewhere above me.
“Ah, Greg, I don’t have a pulse.”
“What? What do you mean? Are you saying she’s dead?” a panicked male voice some feet away rang out and then the crunch of feet against the snow was heard.
“I don’t know. But she’s not breathing and I got no pulse—“
“Oh god, I don’t wanna be here, Isaac. Let’s get out of here.”
“Did you call 911?”
“The hell I did! Why would I call the authorities just so we can be involved in a murder case? Dude, we’ll just go back to town and tell our parents we were all freaked out and they’ll call the police.”
“Stop being such a wus, Greg. I’ll call them, goddamnit.” I heard someone move beside me and then the sound of a cell phone being turned on rang somewhere near my ear.
Oh, god, I gotta get out of here!
I forced a moan to escape my lips, making the person who was dialing to kneel down next to me, closing the phone with a click before he could dial. “I think she’s alive, Greg!” an excited male’s voice, different than the other, shouted above me.
The other didn’t answer but soon, I felt another stoop beside me. I knew they wouldn’t leave me alone unless I opened my eyes so with a quick breath, I peeled back my eyelids.
The first thing I saw was a pair of Nordic-blue eyes staring back down at me. Then, slowly, I was able to take in the rest of the face—golden skin, brown hair hanging jaggedly across a smooth forehead, mouth smiling as I slowly came-to.
My eyes then shifted to the other crouched over me—pale white skin, dark brown eyes, buzzed hair, thin lips compressed into a line across his face, dark hair shadowing his lower jaw. They contrasted so violently that I started, jarring them both.
I gulped in air, trying to salvage my thoughts, when their scents hit me and a shot of horror glued me to the earth.
They were both human.
Breathing heavily, I struggled to sit up. The blue-eyed boy seemed to register what I wanted for he lowered his palm to my back to help me up, sending shock waves through my spinal cord. This little contact awakened me fully and I was able to stand to my feet in mere seconds.
The boys stared with open astonishment.
“Ah, well…” I bit my lip, straining to find something to say to them so they wouldn’t freak out and tell everyone. “Thanks,” I finally blurted, their eyes widening even more.
The blue-eyed boy stood first. “Yeah, umm, no problem. But are you sure you’re okay. I mean, you were like just knocked unconscious and—”
“No, really, I’m fine. I just gotta get home.” I started walking in the opposite direction of him, still trying to figure out where the heck I was.
“It would really be no big deal if we took you to the doctor. I mean, you’re kind of bleeding.”
I stopped in my tracks, totally forgetting about the cut on my face. Then the previous events came back to me in a rush and buckled me to my knees. “Nate.” His name came out in a harsh whisper and I gripped the nearest tree trunk for support. Where was he now? Does the coven know he’s out of hand? Are they looking for him? Where’s Dover? Why hadn’t they found me yet? That’s when I thought of the body of the dead man and my eyes quickly scoured the area, but he was no where in sight. Did Nate take the body? All of these questions and more circled around in my head and I clamped my eyes shut, trying to recapture some self-control to make it back to the cottage.
The cottage! I’m millions of miles away, somewhere on the border of Canada! Groaning, I turned back to the two boys, who were watching me with concerned looks. “Could you, ah, tell me exactly where I am?”
“You don’t know where you are?” the second boy asked incredulously, standing to his feet and eyeing me with speculation.
The blue-eyed boy shot him a glare before turning back to me. “We’re in Duluth.”
This sent my knees wobbling again, making me grip the tree trunk with greater strength. Duluth? How did I get here? Did Nate carry me? Did someone else? Fear was raw, rushing through my veins like a lethal drug, consuming my every nerve. It was a strange and unfamiliar emotion for me, one that made the situation all the more harder to comprehend.
My biggest concern at the moment, though, was: where was Nate?
“I need to go. Really. Thanks for your help.” I felt like my windpipe was closing the more I thought about Nate and Dover and not knowing how I got here. I had never been more terrified in my life.
“Hey, just let us walk you home. Just to make sure you’re alright.”
That kid just won’t quit, will he?
“No, I’m fine,” I said firmly over my shoulder, hoping he would get the hint. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the brown-haired boy shoot the other a pointed look, starting to walk in the reverse direction. But the blonde shook his head and ran to catch up with me.
I ground my teeth together and spun to face him head on, making him stumble backwards a few steps. “Please. Take a hint from your friend there and get lost. I don’t need your help.” The malice in my voice brought a glint of terror to his blue eyes and he closed his mouth with the click of his teeth knocking together, not sure how to reply to me.
Taking advantage of his silence, I turned on my heel and hurried as fast as I could without actually running towards where I thought was the cottage.
“Seriously, I don’t think you’re in any condition to be walking anywhere. My mom’s a doctor and she’ll check you over and then you’re free to go.” It was a wonder the boy could talk so fast while keeping up with me. I stopped to face him with appraisal. He wasn’t actually a boy, on closer inspection; probably around seventeen with a wiry figure, taller than I was, with normal attire for a teenage boy. Nothing to catch my attention for more than a fleeting glance.
His friend was kiddy-corner to us, eyeing us with raised brows. “I don’t think—“ I started but then Dover burst from the forest, eyes wide, perspiration lining his brow.
“Sophia, thank god!” he cried out, closing the distance between us and taking me in his arms. I was so happy to see him that I hugged him back, burying my face into his neck, taking in his memorable scent, like the salty ocean, fresh and clean. “I have been looking everywhere for you. Towns all up and down the Canadian—“
I cut him off with a severe look and his eyes took in the two human males beside us, the blue-eyed one smiling openly, the other still in shock at Dover’s entrance.
Dover faced me again and leaned over to whisper for my ears only: “We need to go. Now!”
I nodded and faced the two boys, thinking fast. “My brother is going to take me home now. So you can go.” Relief showed on the brown-haired boy’s face as he was released from helping me. The other still looked skeptical, but finally took a step back and then another before actually leaving, taking the brown-haired boy with him. I heard their muffled voices as they left but I didn’t care what they were saying.
When they were out of sight, Dover nodded to me, took my hand, and we started off at a extremely fast-paced sprint. It took us only seconds to reach the grounds of the cottage and only then did we stop. Dover made a move to continue up towards the house but I pulled him back into the shadows, noticing just then that it was close to eleven in the evening. The moon was being shy that night, hidden from prying eyes. Even the stars seemed to be playing hide-and-seek with each other, winking coyly at us below.
“Dover, please tell me Nate didn’t hurt anyone.” I needed to know the answer. I was the only one who could relate to him. I, too, had lost control as he did but the only difference was I had chosen that path, while he had just made a mistake of hunting in that predicament.
Dover nodded severely. “He’s safe and unhurt, as our the near-by town residents when he lost control. The only person he hurt was… you.” I saw the judgment in his eyes and felt my annoyance rise at him.
“It was an accident, Dover! Don’t punish your brother for something like this. Look at me! I’m walking, talking. I’m not harmed in any way.” I threw my hands up to emphasis my point when pinpricks of pain shot up and down my left arm and ribs. I couldn’t hide my grimace from Dover and a frown deepened on his face.
“Sure, if that wasn’t enough, the five-inch gash on your face sure proves that you are perfectly fine!” Dover hissed, his eyes transforming to a coal-black color of anger. That had been the second time that day that I had seen one of the coven get so emotional that their eyes changed colors. We usually could control that effect, but it was obvious Dover was beyond that point, as Nate had been.
“Dover, it was a mistake. Just, please, take me to see him,” I urged, taking a step around him towards the cottage.
“I can’t, Sophia,” he murmured softly.
“Why?” I snapped. “Why can’t I go see my friend?”
“Because we haven’t found him yet.”

Hey, Ash! *screams with excitedment* I love this story, and I'm so excited to read it!

CHAPTER SEVEN

I was so consumed by my beating heart that I didn’t hear him approach until it was too late. Nate hit me with a powerful blow to the head, knocking me sideways into the earth. Leaping to my feet in one fluid movement, I faced him and stumbled slightly at his astonishing manifestation. These two phrases contradict each other. If she's fluid and graceful after being socked in the head, then even the appearance of Nate won't make her stumble. So, either have her stagger up and stumble at the sight of him, or have her jump up quickly and remain stationary.
Eyes the color of [s]spilled[/s] blood, skin pasty like aged newspaper, nails like four-inch daggers poised to attack again. A feral snarl ripped from his throat, causing the near-by wildlife to flee in terror. (Wouldn't they have already fled, after his wild attack on Sohpia?)His hair was even wilder, as if the coils were each individual strands of energy standing on end. Ooh, I like this description, I can really see him. His fangs were longer than normal, at least an inch longer than mine [s]had been[/s].
I knew what had happened to him. He had let his primal side get the better of him and now he was on a rampage. For some reason, this sentence doesn't flow to me. I think it has something to do with "primal". I dunno, maybe I'm just weird. Standing straighter, I opened my mouth to talk to him but he moved with blinding speed, knocking me off my feet while at the same time slicing open my face from temple to jaw. [s]Crying out[/s] I screamed, and my black blood gushed out of the wound as I covered it with my palm. It [s]pooled[/s] oozed around my fingers, feeling like frozen water, numbing my fingers. You have two fingers here. Try: "It oozed around my hand, as cold as glacial water, numbing my bloody fingers."
“Nate,” I whispered How? I imagine she would be frightened and desperate, so you might want to put that in there., standing shakily to my feet. I was still too shocked at what he had done to me to think clearly. “Please, shake out of it,” I pleaded, my eyes imploring him to listen. The "Please, shake out of it" does not run well to me. Perhaps "snap out of it" or "come to" or "listen to me". More common sayings, you know?
He just cocked his head to the side like a confused puppy dog, though he was more treacherous than an enraged mother bear. I like this a lot. It gives him horrific, crazed character, if you know what I mean. His ruby lips lifted in a malicious smile before taking a step closer to me. I held up my hands, one covered in my ebony blood, the other pearly white, my fingers trembling.
Another low growl was released from his lips and I knew I had no chance against him. When a vampire lets his primitive side take over, he was stronger than anything on this earth.
[s]When[/s] And then Nate charged me; I tried to fight, my arms flailing and clawing uselessly at him, but I only lasted mere seconds before his foot connected with my head, [s]making[/s] stars [s]appear[/s] popping suddenly before my eyes.
Dropping to my knees, I moaned in agony, the blood [s]cooling[/s] drying on my face, making me light-headed at the loss. He laughed [s]sickly[/s] crazily before coughing and hunching over. It was his one moment of weakness and I took action. Leaping to my feet, I punched both fists into his chest, knocking him into a tree with a loud boom. He stumbled a bit [s]afterwards[/s], shaking his head, and I breathed easier, hoping it would be finished.
Instead he lifted his head eyes, now a dangerous black of anger. I only had time to hold up my hands before he was everywhere, his limbs making contact with every inch of my body. I felt myself being lifted into the air and then thrown into the earth, my head crashing into a rock with a loud crack. Blackness consumed my vision and then, with another coughing fit from Nate, silence descended upon my world. Ohh. My nails are all gone. Great fight scene, wonderful description.

* * * *

“Dude, just leave her. She’s probably wasted or something. Let’s just get out of her.”
“[s]I[/s] We can’t just leave her here!”
“Oh man, there’s lots of blood over here…”
“Ah, shit!”
“What?”
“She’s hurt.”
“Come on, Isaac, let’s go. If someone finds us out here, they’ll think we’re involved or something.”
“Greg, just shut it and call 911. I’ll try to see if she’s still breathing.”
The voices were muddled, running together, fading in and out, as I struggled to regain consciousness. My head throbbed, along with my chest, as if weight was steadily being applied to my upper body. I felt warm hands slowly roll me over, my face now exposed to a steady breeze of clement air. I felt fingers press against my neck and then a sharp intake of air somewhere above me.
“Ah, Greg, I don’t have a pulse.”
“What? What do you mean? Are you saying she’s dead?” a panicked male voice some feet away rang out and then the crunch of feet against the snow was heard.
“I don’t know. But she’s not breathing and I [s]got no[/s] don't feel a pulse—“
“Oh, God, I don’t wanna be here, Isaac. Let’s get out of here.”
“Did you call 911?”
“The hell I did! Why would I call the authorities just so we can be involved in a murder case? Dude, we’ll just go back to town and tell our parents we were all freaked out and they’ll call the police.” First of all, I italicized "they'll" to add emphasis. And second, how young are they? I though Isaac would be a college kid, but they're talking about their parents? I'm confused.
“Stop being such a wus, Greg. I’ll call them, goddamnit.” I heard someone move beside me and then the sound of a cell phone being turned on rang somewhere near my ear.
Oh, God, I gotta get out of here!
[s]I forced[/s] A moan [s]to[/s] escaped my lips, making the person who was dialing to kneel down next to me, closing the phone with a click before he could dial. “I think she’s alive, Greg!” an excited male’s voice, different than the other, shouted above me.
The other didn’t answer but soon, I felt another stoop beside me. I knew they wouldn’t leave me alone unless I opened my eyes; so with a quick breath, I peeled back my eyelids.
The first thing I saw was a pair of Nordic-blue Good description, but I didn't get it at first, took me a few seconds. eyes staring back down at me. Then, slowly, I was able to take in the rest of the face—golden skin, brown hair hanging jaggedly across a smooth forehead, mouth smiling as I slowly came-to. Ah, Isaac. . . .
My eyes then shifted to the other crouched over me—pale white skin, dark brown eyes, buzzed hair, thin lips compressed into a line across his face, dark hair shadowing his lower jaw. They contrasted so violently that I started, jarring them both.
I gulped in air, trying to salvage my thoughts, when their scents hit me and a shot of horror glued me to the earth.
They were both human. Great part right here.
Breathing heavily, I struggled to sit up. The blue-eyed boy seemed to register what I wanted for he lowered his palm to my back to help me up, sending shock waves through my spinal cord. This little contact awakened me fully and I was able to stand to my feet in mere seconds.
The boys stared with open astonishment.
“Ah, well…” I bit my lip, straining to find something to say to them so they wouldn’t freak out and tell everyone. “Thanks,” I finally blurted, their eyes widening even more.
The blue-eyed boy stood first. “Yeah, umm, no problem. But are you sure you’re okay? I mean, you were like just knocked unconscious and—”
“No, really, I’m fine. I just gotta get home.” I started walking in the opposite direction of him, still trying to figure out where the heck I was.
“It would really be no big deal if we took you to the doctor. I mean, you’re kind of bleeding.”
I stopped in my tracks, totally forgetting about the cut on my face. Then the previous events came back to me in a rush and buckled me to my knees. “Nate.” His name came out in a harsh whisper and I gripped the nearest tree trunk for support. Where was he now? Does the coven know he’s out of hand? Are they looking for him? Where’s Dover? Why hadn’t they found me yet? That’s when I thought of the body of the dead man and my eyes quickly scoured the area, but he was no where in sight. Did Nate take the body? All of these questions and more circled around in my head and I clamped my eyes shut, trying to recapture some self-control to make it back to the cottage.
The cottage! I’m millions of miles away, somewhere on the border of Canada! Wait, is the cottage on the boarder of Canada, or does she think she's on the boarder of Canada? It is unclear. Groaning, I turned back to the two boys, who were watching me with concerned looks. “Could you, ah, tell me exactly where I am?”
“You don’t know where you are?” the second boy asked incredulously, standing to his feet and eyeing me with speculation.
The blue-eyed boy shot him a glare before turning back to me. “We’re in Duluth.”
[s]This sent my[/s] My knees started wobbling again, making me grip the tree trunk with greater strength. Duluth? How did I get here? Did Nate carry me? Did someone else? Fear was raw, rushing through my veins like a lethal drug, consuming [s]my[/s] every nerve. It was a strange and unfamiliar emotion for me, one that made the situation all the more harder to comprehend.
My biggest concern at the moment, though, was: where was Nate?
“I need to go. Really. Thanks for your help.” I felt like my windpipe was closing the more I thought about Nate and Dover and not knowing how I got here. I had never been more terrified in my life.
“Hey, just let us walk you home. Just to make sure you’re [s]alright[/s] all right.”
That kid just won’t quit, will he?
“No, I’m fine,” I said firmly over my shoulder, hoping he would get the hint. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the brown-haired boy shoot the other a pointed look, starting to walk in the reverse direction. But the blond[s]e[/s] shook his head and ran to catch up with me.
I ground my teeth together and spun to face him head on, making him stumble backwards a few steps. “Please. Take a hint from your friend there and get lost. I don’t need your help.” The malice in my voice brought a glint of terror to his blue eyes and he closed his mouth with the click of his teeth knocking together, not sure how to reply to me.
Taking advantage of his silence, I turned on my heel and hurried as fast as I could without actually running towards where I thought was the cottage.
“Seriously, I don’t think you’re in any condition to be walking anywhere. My mom’s a doctor and she’ll check you over and then you’re free to go.” It was a wonder the boy could talk so fast while keeping up with me. I stopped to face him with appraisal. He wasn’t actually a boy, on closer inspection; probably around seventeen with a wiry figure, taller than I was, with normal attire for a teenage boy. Nothing to catch my attention for more than a fleeting glance.
His friend was [s]kiddy[/s] kitty-corner to us, eyeing us with raised brows. “I don’t think—" I started, but then Dover burst from the forest, eyes wide, perspiration lining his brow.
“Sophia, thank God!” he cried out, closing the distance between us and taking me in his arms. I was so happy to see him that I hugged him back, burying my face into his neck, taking in his memorable scent, like the salty ocean, fresh and clean. “I have been looking everywhere for you. Towns all up and down the Canadian—“
I cut him off with a severe look and his eyes took in the two human males beside us, the blue-eyed one smiling openly, the other still in shock at Dover’s entrance.
Dover faced me again and leaned over to whisper for my ears only: “We need to go. Now!”
I nodded and faced the two boys, thinking fast. “My brother is going to take me home now. So you can go.” Relief showed on the brown-haired boy’s face as he was released from helping me. The other still looked skeptical, but finally took a step back and then another before actually leaving, taking the brown-haired boy with him. I heard their muffled voices as they left but I didn’t care what they were saying.
When they were out of sight, Dover nodded to me, took my hand, and we started off at a extremely fast-paced sprintIt took us only seconds to reach the grounds of the cottage and only then did we stop. That's a really quick trip. Maybe elaborate a little? Dover made a move to continue up towards the house but I pulled him back into the shadows, noticing just then that it was close to eleven in the evening. The moon was being shy that night, hidden from prying eyes. Even the stars seemed to be playing hide-and-seek with each other, winking coyly at us below. Great descriptions.
“Dover, please tell me Nate didn’t hurt anyone.” I needed to know the answer. I was the only one who could relate to him. I, too, had lost control as he did but the only difference was I had chosen that path, while he had just made a mistake of hunting in that predicament.
Dover nodded severely. “He’s safe and unhurt, as are our the near-by town residents when he lost control. The only person he hurt was… you.” I saw the judgment in his eyes and felt my annoyance rise at him.
“It was an accident, Dover! Don’t punish your brother for something like this. Look at me! I’m walking, talking. I’m not harmed in any way.” I threw my hands up to emphasis my point when pinpricks of pain shot up and down my left arm and ribs. I couldn’t hide my grimace from Dover and a frown deepened on his face.
“Sure, if that wasn’t enough, the five-inch gash on your face sure proves that you are perfectly fine!” Dover hissed, his eyes transforming to a coal-black color of anger. That had been the second time that day that I had seen one of the coven get so emotional that their eyes changed colors. We usually could control that effect, but it was obvious Dover was beyond that point, as Nate had been.
“Dover, it was a mistake. Just, please, take me to see him,” I urged, taking a step around him towards the cottage.
“I can’t, Sophia,” he murmured softly.
“Why?” I snapped. “Why can’t I go see my friend?”
“Because we haven’t found him yet.”

OVERALL: Wonderful. Absolutely wonderful! The circumstances in which Isaac and Greg find Sophia are great, as is the tense fight scene. Your descriptions are perfect, and so are your characters so far. PM me when the next chapter is up, okay?

~Sunny

You asked for my opinion, and finally, here I am! ^_^

I can't be too long - right now I'm procrastinating, and the night grows no younger. But here it goes, anyhow.

In all honesty? The idea of vampires getting sick/dying just seems like going a little bit far. Sophia can get hurt, sick, and die - then what's the point of being a vampire? I thought, when I read it, that Twilight was kind of stretching the 'truth' when Steph laid out her views on vamps. Sparkly? Vegetarian?! But this just seems... well, silly. It's just my opinion, but since you wanted it, there it is. The characters are better than they were in Poisoned Roses, as is the storyline itself - although exactly where this's all leading, I'm not sure. Which is good, because in Poisoned Roses, I totally could.

So you improved a lot, and that's great! Like I said, I find your ideas of vampires disturbing, and perhaps even a little absurd at time, but that's my opinion, and not to be forced on others. One more thing before I go - be careful with Sophia and Adam, how they fall in love and how they relate. In your last edition of this, it was kind of, well, really a cliche relationship. So steer clear of that, and you've got a pretty awesome story. ; )

AGH, I can't help myself. One nitpick... or two (orthreeorfourofivehehehe). :k

Let’s just get out of her.

That's what-- AHEM! Sorry. I think you mean 'here'. A rather awkward typo, wouldn't you say? 0_0

And...

“Sure, if that wasn’t enough, the five-inch gash [s]on[/s] across OR YOU COULD MAKE IT 'DOWN'... your face sure proves that you are perfectly fine!” Dover hissed.

Cut out one of the 'sure's and this'll be the amusing line you meant it to be. ^.^

thin lips compressed into a rigid line [s]across his face[/s],

Well, I'd better be off. Looking forward to the next chapter - happy writing, Ash dear!

-SELA

Ashleylee! *huggles*

ashleylee wrote:I was so consumed by my beating heart that I didn’t hear him approach until it was too late. Nate hit me with a powerful blow to the head, knocking me sideways into the earth. Leaping to my feet in one fluid movement, I faced him and stumbled slightly at his astonishing manifestation.

That must be some distracting heartbeat. Haha, when I saw 'Nate', my jaw dropped because I was thinking of our YWS admin...attacking Sophia O_o
Leaping up in a 'fluid' movement then stumbling the next moment seems a bit contradictory.

Eyes the color of spilled blood, skin pasty like aged paper, nails four-inch daggers poised to attack again. A feral snarl ripped from his throat, causing the near-by wildlife to flee in terror.

No hyphen. Nearby

“Nate,” I whispered, standing shakily to my feet. I was still too shocked at what he had done to me to think clearly. “Please, shake out of it,” I pleaded, my eyes imploring him to listen.

If I remove the adjective, 'standing to my feet' doesn't really strike me as correct.
I also find it rather strange at Sophia's choice of words. Most people would reflexively say 'snap out of it', not shake

When Nate charged me, I tried to fight but I only lasted mere seconds before his foot connected with my head, making stars appear before my eyes.

When Nate charged at me, I tried to fight back...
I added in 'at' and 'back'. Seems better that way.

Dropping to my knees, I moaned in agony, the blood cooling on my face, making me light-headed at the loss. He laughed sickly before coughing, hunching over. It was his one moment of weakness and I took action. Leaping to my feet, I punched both fists into his chest, knocking him into a tree with a loud boom. He stumbled a bit afterwards, shaking his head, and I breathed easier, hoping it would be finished.

I think you meant 'pooling' instead of 'cooling'? For some reason, I find that weakness should be replaced with something like 'vulnerability'. And the 'afterwards' in the last sentence seems a bit out of place.

Instead he lifted his head eyes now a dangerous black of anger. I only had time to hold up my hands before he was everywhere, his limbs making contact with every inch of my body. I felt myself being lifted into the air and then thrown into the earth, my head crashing into a rock with a loud crack.

Comma between 'head' and 'eyes'. The phrasing for 'now a dangerous black of anger' strikes me as a tad awkward...but it should be okay. "I only had time to hold up my hands" - This aciton is rather vague. Did you mean that she held it up to her face to shield it?

“Dude, just leave her. She’s probably wasted or something. Let’s just get out of her.”

A huge cut on her face wouldn't exactly give the impression of being wasted? And their reaction time in realising that she was hurt, was a bit slow. Oh, and the last word should be 'here', not her

“Oh god, I don’t wanna be here, Isaac. Let’s get out of here.”

Well, it ight just be me, but I always capitalise 'God', out of respect.

“Stop being such a wus, Greg. I’ll call them, goddamnit.”

I spell it as 'wuss'.

I forced a moan to escape my lips, making the person who was dialing to kneel down next to me, closing the phone with a click before he could dial.

So...did he even get the chance to dial? The first half indicates that he did, but the second half of the sentence says he never got the chance.

The other didn’t answer but soon, I felt another stoop beside me.

*ponders* Can we feel someone stoop beside us if there's no body contact?

“Yeah, umm, no problem. But are you sure you’re okay. I mean, you were like just knocked unconscious and—”

Question mark after 'okay'.

Then the previous events came back to me in a rush and buckled me to my knees.

Buckled me to my knees? I think it should be 'caused my knees to buckle, or something along that line.

Does the coven know he’s out of hand?

You accidentally switched tense. Does should be did

The cottage! I’m millions of miles away, somewhere on the border of Canada!

Your tense - I was million of miles away. Oh, and how does she know that she's million of miles away?

How did I get here? Did Nate carry me? Did someone else?

The last question, did someone else, sounds incomplete.

My biggest concern at the moment, though, was: where was Nate?

I'm not too sure, but I think 'where' should be capitalised.

That kid just won’t quit, will he?

The kid just wouldn't quit, would he?

I ground my teeth together and spun to face him head on, making him stumble backwards a few steps.

Maybe you should mention that he stumbled back in surprise?

“Seriously, I don’t think you’re in any condition to be walking anywhere. My mom’s a doctor and she’ll check you over and then you’re free to go.” It was a wonder the boy could talk so fast while keeping up with me.
Free to go? Ooooh, prisoner

“Sophia, thank god!” he cried out, closing the distance between us and taking me in his arms. I was so happy to see him that I hugged him back, burying my face into his neck, taking in his memorable scent, like the salty ocean, fresh and clean.

Again, I capitalise 'God' XD
Salty oceans are fresh and clean? Uhh...okay.

It took us only seconds to reach the grounds of the cottage and only then did we stop.

*thinks* They must run really, extraordinarily fast, since Sophia described her location to be a very long distance from the cottage?

Dover made a move to continue up towards the house but I pulled him back into the shadows, noticing just then that it was close to eleven in the evening.

I didn't know you could look up into the sky and tell that its eleven in the evening. What was Issac and his friend doing out so late?

I couldn’t hide my grimace from Dover and a frown deepened on his face.

It should be 'the frown', not a frown.

“Because we haven’t found him yet.”

If he hasn't found Nate, then how do they know he's safe and unhurt?

Well, that's done and over with!
Don't feel too bad about the number of stuff I pointed out, Ashley!
No major errors.
You know that I'm a huge fan of your writing, right?
I hope this review isn't a setback. You should continue this story!
But if you have short interest span, then maybe you should stick to short stories XD
Again, I love your descriptive skills. Like the shy moon and stars.
They're really vivid which allows us to visualise a clear picture of your story.
Good job! Keep writing and don't let me discourage you or anything

Ashleylee (hehe, it is a great nickname ), I nearly thought that you'd abandoned this totally, but luckily for you, you decided to continue it *grins evily* haha . But just to let you know, I'm so excited to read this *jumps ups and down excitedly = *!! I even took a break from the Purps vs. Blues war to read this - I just couldn't keep away!! Anyway, enough blabbing from me; I should really get to reviewing this... (:

ashleylee wrote:[Happy Reading! Oh I will be extremely happy to be reading this story again hehe =D
______________________

CHAPTER SEVEN

I was so consumed by my beating heart that I didn’t hear him approach until it was too late. Nate hit me with a powerful blow to the head, knocking me sideways into the earth. Leaping to my feet in one fluid movement, I faced him and stumbled slightly at his astonishing manifestation. [Woo hoo!! *high fives* the introduction to this chapter isn't a great big long sentence - well done, ash , I knew you had it in you *beams proudly* . Anyway, I must read on...]
Eyes the color of spilled blood, skin pasty like aged paper, nails four-inch daggers poised to attack again [even though it's obvious you're talking about Nate, just try and slip in a he or something, just so we can be sure (: ]. A feral snarl ripped from his throat, causing the near-by wildlife to flee in terror. His hair was even wilder, as if the coils were each individual strands of energy standing on end [brilliant! I just can't get enough of your fabulous writing!! (: ]. His fangs were longer than normal, at least an inch longer than mine had been. [Sophia's thoughts/feelings through all of this?]
I knew what had happened to him. He had let his primal side get the better of him and now he was on a rampage. Standing straighter, I opened my mouth to talk to him but he moved with blinding speed, knocking me off my feet while at the same time slicing open my face from temple to jaw. Crying out, my black blood gushed out of the wound as I covered it with my palm. It pooled around my fingers, feeling like frozen water, numbing my fingers.
“Nate,” I whispered, standing shakily to my feet. I was still too shocked at what he had done to me to think clearly. “Please, shake out of it,” I pleaded, my eyes imploring him to listen.
He just cocked his head to the side like a confused puppy dog, though he was more treacherous than an enraged mother bear. His ruby lips lifted in a malicious smile before taking a step closer to me. I held up my hands, one covered in my ebony blood, the other pearly white, my fingers trembling. [This really is amazing stuff, Ash ]
Another low growl was released from his lips and I knew I had no chance against him. When a vampire lets his primitive side take over, he [s]was[/s] is stronger than anything on this earth.
When Nate charged at me, I tried to fight but I only lasted mere seconds before his foot connected with my head, making stars appear before my eyes.
Dropping to my knees, I moaned in agony, the blood cooling on my face, making me light-headed at the loss [I would cut this, as we know she's losing blood]. He laughed sickly before coughing, hunching over [why is he doing this?]. It was his one moment of weakness and I took action. Leaping to my feet, I punched both fists into his chest, knocking him into a tree with a loud boom. He stumbled a bit afterwards, shaking his head, and I breathed easier, hoping it would be finished.
Instead he lifted his head eyes, which were now a dangerous black of anger. I only had time to hold up my hands before he was everywhere, his limbs making contact with every inch of my body. I felt myself being lifted into the air and then thrown into the earth, my head crashing into a rock with a loud crack. Blackness consumed my vision and then, with another coughing fit from Nate, silence descended upon my world.

* * * *

“Dude, just leave her. She’s probably wasted or something. Let’s just get out of here.”
“I can’t just leave her here!”
“Oh man, there’s lots of blood over here…”
“Ah shit!”
“What?”
“She’s hurt.”
“Come on, Isaac, let’s go. If someone finds us out here, they’ll think we’re involved or something.”[Woo! He's finally appeared - I practically smiled from ear to ear at the mention of his name =P ]
“Greg, just shut it and call 911. I’ll try to see if she’s still breathing.”
The voices were muddled, running together, fading in and out, as I struggled to regain consciousness. My head throbbed, along with my chest, as [s]if[/s] though weight was steadily being applied to my upper body. I felt warm hands slowly roll me over, my face now exposed to a steady breeze of clement air. I felt fingers press against my neck and then a sharp intake of air somewhere above me.
“Ah, Greg, I don’t have a pulse.”
“What? What do you mean? Are you saying she’s dead?” a panicked male voice some feet away rang out and then the crunch of feet against the snow was heard. [How does she differ the two voices?]
“I don’t know. But she’s not breathing and I got no pulse—“
“Oh god, I don’t wanna be here, Isaac. Let’s get out of here.”
“Did you call 911?”
“The hell I did! Why would I call the authorities just so we can be involved in a murder case? Dude, we’ll just go back to town and tell our parents we were all freaked out and they’ll call the police.”
“Stop being such a wus, Greg. I’ll call them, goddamnit.” I heard someone move beside me and then the sound of a cell phone being turned on rang somewhere near my ear.
Oh, god, I gotta get out of here!
I forced a moan to escape my lips, making the person who was dialing to kneel down next to me, closing the phone with a click before he could dial. “I think she’s alive, Greg!” an excited male’s voice, different than the other, shouted above me.
The other didn’t answer[comma][/b] but soon, I felt another [another what? I know it's one of the boys, but just make it totally clear and define it (: ] stoop beside me. I knew they wouldn’t leave me alone unless I opened my eyes[comma] so with a quick breath, I peeled back my eyelids.
The first thing I saw was a pair of Nordic-blue eyes staring back down at me. Then, slowly, I was able to take in the rest of the face—golden skin, brown hair hanging jaggedly across a smooth forehead, mouth smiling as I slowly came-to [I don't think there's any need for a hyphen between the two words].
My eyes then shifted to the other crouched over me—pale white skin, dark brown eyes, buzzed hair, thin lips compressed into a line across his face, and dark hair shadowing his lower jaw. They contrasted so violently that I started, jarring them both.
I gulped in air, trying to salvage my thoughts, when their scents hit me and a shot of horror glued me to the earth.
They were both humans.
Breathing heavily, I struggled to sit up. The blue-eyed boy seemed to register what I wanted for he lowered his palm to my back to help me up, sending shock waves through my spinal cord. This little contact awakened me fully and I was able to stand to my feet in mere seconds.
The boys stared with open astonishment.
“Ah, well…” I bit my lip, straining to find something to say to them so they wouldn’t freak out and tell everyone. “Thanks,” I finally blurted, their eyes widening even more.
The blue-eyed boy stood first. “Yeah, umm, no problem. But are you sure you’re okay. I mean, you were like just knocked unconscious and—”
“No, really, I’m fine. I just gotta get home.” I started walking in the opposite direction of him, still trying to figure out where the heck I was.
“It would really be no big deal if we took you to the doctor. I mean, you’re kind of bleeding.”
I stopped in my tracks, totally forgetting about the cut on my face. Then the previous events came back to me in a rush and buckled me to my knees. “Nate.” His name came out in a harsh whisper and I gripped the nearest tree trunk for support. Where was he now? Does the coven know he’s out of hand? Are they looking for him? Where’s Dover? Why hadn’t they found me yet?
[NP >>]That’s when I thought of the body of the dead man and my eyes quickly scoured the area, but he was no where in sight. Did Nate take the body? All of these questions and more circled around in my head and I clamped my eyes shut, trying to recapture some self-control to make it back to the cottage.
The cottage! I’m millions of miles away, somewhere on the border of Canada! Groaning, I turned back to the two boys, who were watching me with concerned looks. “Could you, ah, tell me exactly where I am?”
“You don’t know where you are?” the second boy asked incredulously, standing to his feet and eyeing me with speculation.
The blue-eyed boy shot him a glare before turning back to me. “We’re in Duluth.”
This sent my knees wobbling again, making me grip the tree trunk with greater strength. Duluth? How did I get here? Did Nate carry me? Did someone else? Fear was raw, rushing through my veins like a lethal drug, consuming my every nerve. It was a strange and unfamiliar emotion for me, one that made the situation all the more harder to comprehend.
My biggest concern at the moment, though, was: where was Nate?
“I need to go. Really. Thanks for your help.” I felt like my windpipe was closing the more I thought about Nate and Dover and not knowing how I got here. I had never been more terrified in my life.
“Hey, just let us walk you home. Just to make sure you’re all _right.”
That kid just won’t quit, will he?
“No, I’m fine,” I said firmly over my shoulder, hoping he would get the hint. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the brown-haired boy shoot the other a pointed look, starting to walk in the reverse direction. But the blonde shook his head and ran to catch up with me.
I ground my teeth together and spun to face him head on, making him stumble backwards a few steps. “Please. Take a hint from your friend there and get lost. I don’t need your help.” The malice in my voice brought a glint of terror to his blue eyes and he closed his mouth with the click of his teeth knocking together, not sure how to reply to me.
Taking advantage of his silence, I turned on my heel and hurried as fast as I could without actually running towards where I thought was the cottage.
“Seriously, I don’t think you’re in any condition to be walking anywhere. My mom’s a doctor and she’ll check you over and then you’re free to go.” It was a wonder the boy could talk so fast while keeping up with me. I stopped to face him with appraisal. He wasn’t actually a boy, on closer inspection; probably around seventeen with a wiry figure, taller than I was, with a normal attire [expand] for a teenage boy. Nothing to catch my attention for more than a fleeting glance.
His friend was kiddy-corner to us [what do you mean by that?], eyeing us with raised brows. “I don’t think—“ I started but then Dover burst from the forest, eyes wide, perspiration lining his brow.
“Sophia, thank god!” he cried out, closing the distance between us and taking me in his arms. I was so happy to see him that I hugged him back, burying my face into his neck, taking in his memorable scent, like the salty ocean, fresh and clean. “I have been looking everywhere for you. Towns all up and down the Canadian—“
I cut him off with a severe look and his eyes took in the two human males beside us, the blue-eyed one smiling openly, the other still in shock at Dover’s entrance.
Dover faced me again and leaned over to whisper for my ears only: “We need to go. Now!”
I nodded and faced the two boys, thinking fast. “My brother is going to take me home now. So you can go.” Relief showed on the brown-haired boy’s face as he was released from helping me. The other still looked skeptical, but finally took a step back and then another before actually leaving, taking the brown-haired boy with him. I heard their muffled voices as they left but I didn’t care what they were saying.
When they were out of sight, Dover nodded to me, took my hand, and we started off at a extremely fast-paced sprint. It took us only seconds to reach the grounds of the cottage and only then did we stop. Dover made a move to continue up towards the house but I pulled him back into the shadows, noticing just then that it was close to eleven in the evening. The moon was being shy that night, hidden from prying eyes. Even the stars seemed to be playing hide-and-seek with each other, winking coyly at us below. [Love it, love it, love it!! I really, really cannot get enough of your amazing descriptions, and writing - I love this especially (: ]
“Dover, please tell me Nate didn’t hurt anyone.” I needed to know the answer. I was the only one who could relate to him. I, too, had lost control as he did but the only difference was I had chosen that path, while he had just made a mistake of hunting in that predicament.
Dover nodded severely. “He’s safe and unhurt, as our the near-by town residents [I think you've missed out a word somewhere here] when he lost control. The only person he hurt was… you.” I saw the judgment in his eyes and felt my annoyance rise at him.
“It was an accident, Dover! Don’t punish your brother for something like this. Look at me! I’m walking, talking. I’m not harmed in any way.” I threw my hands up to emphasis my point when pinpricks of pain shot up and down my left arm and ribs. I couldn’t hide my grimace from Dover and a frown deepened on his face.
“Sure, if that wasn’t enough, the five-inch gash on your face sure proves that you are perfectly fine!” Dover hissed, his eyes transforming to a coal-black color of anger. That had been the second time that day that I had seen one of the coven get so emotional that their eyes changed colors. We usually could control that effect, but it was obvious Dover was beyond that point, as Nate had been.
“Dover, it was a mistake. Just, please, take me to see him,” I urged, taking a step around him towards the cottage.
“I can’t, Sophia,” he murmured softly.
“Why?” I snapped. “Why can’t I go see my friend?”
“Because we haven’t found him yet.” [Ooh, great way to end it.... I can't wait to find out where he's got to... ]

Well, what can I say, Ash? Except, have more faith in yourself!! This was an amazing chapter, no doubt needed at all on your part .
However, I would like for you to work on Sophia's encounter with Isaac and his friend, as it was all over a bit too swiftly for my liking, just a simple what did Sophia think of them both would be fine, or even Dover referring to them... (:

That's all I can think of for you to work on in this chapter, so all that's left to say from me is great job (as always)!! I really hope this review helped you out, and you know where I am if you want to ask any questions, etc!! =D

Kepp writing!!
--Lucy-lu =P xx

Hey Ash!

I was so excited to read this! Awe, but it's too bad I was the last to get here because everyone found all of the nit-picks. Well, I'll just say that this was a really good chapter and it was so intense that I couldn't stop reading it. I really don't remember what happened in the last chapter, so I'm going to have to go skim it over. But anyways, this is an amazing story and keep writing it and if you have anymore doubts, know that we're here to help.

And when I saw Isaac's name I freaked! Yay! I'm glad he's back in the picture *does a fangirl squeal*

Keep writing,

~Angel

200397, Sela Locke, Meep, Lucyy, and Angel of Death:

Wow, I can't believe how detailed you guys became with your reviews. This has been so so very helpful, I just can't tell you how much.

I'm very much delighted that you all liked it and I hope to be posting more soon.

Sela,

I know you said that you didn't think my idea of vampires was 'real' enough or 'realistic', right? I greatly appreciate your honesty and I hope that you could help me more with making them more realistic.

Otherwise, to all of you, THANKS!

Hey Ash. I can see you've got a fanbase of your own, what are you talking about?

So I have decided to bother you until you WRITE MORE. I know you said you would try this weekend, and I'm going to hold you to it, missy! I love this story - I don't care what anyone else says - and you need to finish it.

Oh, and I didn't bother with nitpicks, because one, everyone else has got that covered, and two, you know I'll correct this on the actual manuscript... WHEN I GET IT. So get to work, Ash.

Talk to you soon, as in right after this class is over,

KJ

KJ:

I know, I'm really trying. I know I told you today that I might not continue to write and I've decided to just take a break, really concentrate on school and work, ect. I need to get my priorities straight and figure out if writing as a hobby, if I still enjoy it or if I'm just doing it to do it, you know?

I do hope to finish this book, if I get the inspiratoin to continue to write it. I will continue to post on here as I write but I might not get as far as you want me to.

I'm really glad that you think I'm as good as you are. That really means a lot ot me. I guess I'll just keep trying.

See you at school on Wed as we start a new Tri!

Hey ash.

Since i am back, i will review your chapters now.

All i can say is now. I never imagine Nate attacking anyone because he was so gentle hearted. And i bet he doesn't want to face Sophia because he attacked her.

Issac finally comes into the picture and I must say is he is better than before. Before I thought he was some love-sick boy following Sophia around because he wanted to get some, but now, he can stand on his own. I love Him. I better see more of him in the future.

Well, i have to go now, but great chapter. I looked forward to reading the other and get caught up with this awesome story. I hope you will pm me when you posted some more.

Night Mistress aka Bri

Where is Nate???


Oh, yay! Halfway mark!!!


on i go

[spoiler]
Red = My corrections.
Purple = My Suggestions.
[s]Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
I knew what had happened to him. He had let his primal side get the better of him and now he was on a rampage. Standing straighter, I opened my mouth to talk to him but he moved with blinding speed, knocking me off my feet while at the same time slicing open my face from temple to jaw. Crying out, my black blood gushed out of the wound as I covered it with my palm. It pooled around my fingers, feeling like frozen water, numbing my them.
The other didn’t answer but soon, I felt another stoop beside me. I knew they wouldn’t leave me alone unless I opened my eyes; so with a quick breath, I peeled back my eyelids.
I stopped in my tracks, totally forgetting about the cut on my face. Then the previous events came back to me in a rush and buckled me to my knees. “Nate.” His name came out in a harsh whisper and I gripped the nearest tree trunk for support. Where was he now? Does the coven know he’s out of hand? Are they looking for him? Where’s Dover? Why hadn’t they found me yet? That’s when I thought of the body of the dead man and my eyes quickly scoured the area, but he was nowhere in sight. Did Nate take the body? All of these questions and more circled around in my head and I clamped my eyes shut, trying to recapture some self-control to make it back to the cottage.
“Sophia, thank God!” he cried out, closing the distance between us and taking me in his arms. I was so happy to see him that I hugged him back, burying my face into his neck, taking in his memorable scent, like the salty ocean, fresh and clean. “I have been looking everywhere for you. Towns all up and down the Canadian—“
I nodded and faced the two boys, thinking fast. “My brother is going to take me home now. So you can go.” Relief showed on the brown-haired boy’s face as he was released from helping me. The other still looked skeptical, but finally took a step back and then another before actually leaving, taking the brown-haired boy with him. I heard their muffled voices as they left, but I didn’t care what they were saying.
When they were out of sight, Dover nodded to me, took my hand, and we started off at an extremely fast-paced sprint. It took us only seconds to reach the grounds of the cottage and only then did we stop. Dover made a move to continue up towards the house, but I pulled him back into the shadows, noticing just then that it was close to eleven in the evening. The moon was being shy that night, hidden from prying eyes. Even the stars seemed to be playing hide-and-seek with each other, winking coyly at us below.
“Dover, please tell me Nate didn’t hurt anyone.” I needed to know the answer. I was the only one who could relate to him. I, too, had lost control as he did, but the only difference was I had chosen that path, while he had just made a mistake of hunting in that predicament. [/spoiler]


Isaac. Yayy.
Now you're talking.
And Nate, wow, that entire scene was really unexpected, but really well written. I could never for the life of me really write an action scene, but you do a really good job at it.
Good ending, too.
Now me is off to read the rest.

»Sam.

And now it's time, once again, for everyone's favorite game: LET'S REVIEW THE WRITER'S WORK!
...Okay. My humor is sucky. But I tried.

A feral snarl ripped from his throat, causing the near-by wildlife to flee in terror.

Nearby.

Dropping to my knees, I moaned in agony, the blood cooling on my face, making me light-headed at the loss.

Dropping to my knees, I moaned in agony. Blood was cooling on my face, making me light-headed at the loss.

Let’s just get out of her.”

Just a tiny little typo in that sentence that could easily be fixed.

“He’s safe and unhurt, as our the near-by town residents when he lost control.

He's safe and unhurt, as are the nearby town residents when he lost control.
Huh. That still doesn't seem right. Maybe a rewrite of the sentence?