Twilight && Harry Potter

I know it sucks a lot. Lol my first one. Bahaha I am inspired by Meep(: so you might find mine similar to her.
J: JustDance=]
E: Edward
R: Ron
B: Bella
Herm.: Hermione

HP: Hocus pocus gorey morey!!!!

J: Oh shut up, just shut up!
HP: Why?

J: That wizardy crap is so annoying.

HP: I don't think so.

J: And what the heck is up with that retarted British accent?

HP: You mean this one? *imitates fake British accent*

J: Yes you moron.

HP: I don't find you very nice.

J: Yeah, and I don't find your face very nice.

Rowling: Okay okay, break it up you two.

J: Oh, put a sock in it Rowling! You are probably the only woman on the plant who writes about freaky dweebs in so last season robes.

HP: *Gasps* I am not a dweeb!

J: Have you looked in the mirror lately?

Rowling: Don't you love my books?

J: Get a freakin’ life woman! Who has the time to sit and write 8 books each 700 pages long? Don't you have a family to hang out with or something?

Rowling: Well of course! I don’t think they like me though.

J: There's a suprise.

*Hermione walks in followed by Ron who's stalking her going googly eyes *

Herm.: Hello everyone! *flips her bushy hair only to find her hand get lost in the depths of her tangles*
Ron: Hello *standing behind Hermione sniffing her hair*

Herm.: Ronny-poo…what are you doing?

Ron: Ohh Hermione, my love...sniffing your hair. It smells lovely.

Herm.: Why thank you. I used toad pee conditioner today.

J: *Pukes*

*Edward Cullen & Bella Swan materialise out of thin air*

B: Where are we Edward!? I'm so scared! Protect me! *clings onto Edward*

E: *Clings onto Bella* Don't worry love, you are safe with me.

Herm.: *looks at Edward’s hotness* *jaw drops* OMG! You are hot and shiny! *kicks Ron* Screw you! I love Edward now!

B: Back off he's mine!

Herm: *growls* *takes out wand* *turns Bella’s head into a antelope*

B: *screams* My head!!!!

E: *Ignores Bella* I like ‘em fiesty!

Herm: *giggles*

B: *Sobbing*

Herm & E run off to Alaska to eat frozen fish.

HP: Well… this is….majorly akward.

J: *groans* Bella, save your whining for someone who cars, ‘cause frankly I don’t give a crap.

B: My lovey dovey left me!

J: *whacks Bella across the face with a frozen fish*

B: Owwwweeeeyyyy!!!!!!

HP: *Looks at Bella* *Raises his eyebrows*

B: What?

HP: You smell nice…like pork chops.

B: Okay?

HP: Will you marry me?

B: No!!! I love Edward!

HP: Oh yeah? Well, I bet he can't do this! *takes out his wand and does a spell to turn on some music. Then begans to dance to the hokey pokey*

B: Oh em gee! Okay I'll marry you!!!!!!

HP && B: *Make out*

J: God, kill me now.

HP: I don't find you very nice

J: Yeah, and I don't find your face very nice.

A ha! Hilarious.

Herm.: Why thank you. I used frog pee conditioner today.

Erm... yum?

J: Whacks Bella across the face with a dead fish.

You might just want to adjust this: [Whacks Bella across the face with a dead fish]

And maybe you should make it a frozen fish. It would be way more coicidental that way. ('Cause Edward and Hermione ran off to Alaska to eat frozen fish.)
- - -
OVERALL IMPRESSIONS
It was short, and slightly pointless, but it was actually pretty funny.

I'll give you a gold star because I think its pretty cool.

thanks! =]]]

i hope you were kidding on the Rowling sucking and needing a life, cause her books rock.

i half expected you to saw twilight rocks, and if you did, and were serious on harry potter stinking. Then i would have gone on a long winded twilight bashing harry potter worshiping rant on why you were wrong.

Don't worry...I made fun of Twilight too.
I personally don't really like Harry Potter books, but I like the movies so yeah...no she's a good author.

good, then this is very good.

Thanks!

JustDance=] wrote:I know it sucks a lot. Lol my first one. Bahaha I am inspired by Meep(: so you might find mine similar to her. Ahaha, thanks, I'm honoured. Seems a lot of people are inspired by my parodies spawned by boredom Oh, and the last word should be "her's"

J: JustDance=]
E: Edward
R: Ron
B: Bella
Herm.: Hermione

HP: Hocus Pocus Gorey Morey (No need to capitalise everything, and end the line with proper punctuation)

J: Oh shut up just shut up! (Comma between up and just)

HP: Why?

J: That wizardy crap is so annoying.

HP: I don't think so.

J: And what the heck is up with the retarted british accent? (That [not the] retarded British[capitalise] accent?)

HP: You mean the one I am currently speaking? (Not very 'catchy' sounding, if you get my drift.)
Meep suggests something like this: You mean, like this? *imitates faux British accent*

J: Yes you moron, the one you are currently speaking. (Same as the line before it. There's this kind of 'I'm-so-cool' vibe that I'm getting from it, but it didn't really come out well.)

HP: I don't find you very nice (Punctuation )

J: Yeah, and I don't find your face very nice. Good one!

Rowling: Okay Okay. Break it up you two. (Don't need to capitalise the second 'okay' and there should be a comma between it.)

J: Oh you just shut up Rowling. You're probably the only woman on the planet who writes a 700 page long book about dweebs with stupid robes. (Comma after 'Oh'. This line is repetitve to what you spoke to HP. It loses its 'oomph' factor. Try something else like: Oh, put a sock in it, Rowling. Also, I usually spell out my numbers when writing. Normal compositions in school are like that.)[You're an anti-Harry Potter person?! OOO:

HP: *Gasps* I am not a dweeb!

J: Have you looked in the mirror lately? (Witty. Though I do support Rowling.)

Rowling: Don't you love my books? EVERYONE does. (Is she that egotistical in real life? Its best to try and retain some characteristics matching to the real person. Though you can blow that characteristic out of proportion XD)

J: Get a freakin life woman! Who has the time to sit and write 8 books each 700 pages long? Don't you have a family to hang out with or something? (Again, spell your numbers. It should be spelt as: freakin', with the apostrophe, because you're shortening the word.)

Rowling: *bursts out crying* My husaband divorced me. He says I'm pathetic. (Well, she's married now, right?)

J: There's a suprise. Nice sarcasm!

*Hermione walks in followed by Ron who's going googly eyes at her*
(Meep suggests (and corrects): Hermione struts in with Ron stalking and making googly-eyes at her)

Herm.: Hello everyone. (Minimise insignificant lines. Maybe you could add in an action like: *flips her bushy hair* *is unable to find her lost hand in the depths of her tangles*)
Ron: Hello *standing behind Hermione sniffing her hair*

Herm.: Ronny poo? What are you doing? (Ronny-poo... what are you doing?)

Ron: Ohh Hermione my love...sniffing your hair. It smells lovely. (Oh Hermione, my love)

Herm.: Why thank you. I used frog pee conditioner today. (Gags!)

J: *Pukes* (My sentiments exactly. Maybe you should make it 'toad pee' for further repulsion)

*Edward Cullen && Bella Swan poof in* (Don't add unecessary '&'s.)

POOF! (It would be better if you italicised this, and the change the 'poof ini' in the line above, to something like: materialise out of thin air. Just something to avoid redundancy)

B: Where are we Edward!? I'm so scared! Protect me!

E: *Clings onto Bella* Don't worry love you are safe with me. (Shouldn't Bella cling on to Edward instead? Comma between love and you)

Herm.: OMG! You are hot! *kicks Ron* Screw you! I love Edward now! (Perhaps you should put action in front of Hermione's speech, showing that she notices Edward, as well as her physical reaction to it. Like jaw dropping, heart stopping...you get the point. And it would be better to put 'aside' in the action where she kicks Ron.)

B: Back off he's mine! (Actions!)

Herm: *growls* Then punches bella in the face (Ending punctuation, name capitalisation. Also, Hermione's a witch. Make use of the fact that she has magical powers, to create a much more hilarious fight scene.)

B: Edwardkins! She hurt me! Aren't you going to do anything? (Actions!)

E: *Ignores Bella* I like em fiesty! (Apostrophe: 'em. Remember to do that when you shorten a word. And yes, this line drove me into derisive laughter when I pictured it)

Herm: *giggles*

B: *Sobbing*

Herm && E run off to Alaska to eat frozen fish. (&. Don't put an extra one in.)(Oh, and how randomly silly )

HP: Well this is akward. (Meep suggests: Well... this is... majorly awkward)

J: *Groans* Will you shut up with your whining Bella?! (Shut up is not the only phrase to command silence. Avoid being superfluous so that the dialogue won't lose flavour. Meep suggests: *groans* Bella, save your whining for someone who cares, 'cause frankly, I don't give a damn.)

B: My lovey dovey left me! (Hehe, I remember using a lot of 'lovey dovey' terms as Bella's pet names for Eddykins <--this is one of them)

J: Whacks Bella across the face with a dead fish. (Use your asterisks or else this becomes your speech, not action)

B: Owwwweeeeyyyy!!!!!! (Action!)

HP: *Looks at Bella* *Raises his eyebrows*

B: What?

HP: You smell nice. (Like strawberries? Give us more details. You could say she smells like...some wizard candy...or even beef steak.)

B: Okayyyy????? (Don't keep elongating her words. [I don't like girls who speak like that and drag their words annoyingly for a more dramatic effect)

HP: Will you marry me? (Ahahaha, one of the scripts I did, was Bella proposing, and Harry rejecting.)

B: Noo!!! I love Edward! (Shorten to 'no'.)

HP: OH yeah? Well I bet he can't do this! *takes out his wand and then begans to dance to the hokey pokey* (You needn't capitalise the 'OH'. Comma after 'well'. What's the point of whipping out his wand but not using it? [The hokey pokey part made me hysterical with laughter])

B: OMG! Okay I'll marry you!!!!!! (I'd suggest spelling 'OMG' out. Like, oh emm gee!)
HP && B: *Make out*

J: God kill me now. (Comma after 'God'.)

Hey there, JustDance=]!
Ah, randomness is amazing, ain't it?

Anyway, here are the areas you can improve on:
1) Action! This is very important. Take advantage of your asterisks! Action descriptions paint a more vivd picture for your readers. The character would be less flat it had more actions, instead of speaking. Especially if the line is insignificant, you can jazz it up with action
2) End your speech with proper punctuation, remember your apostrophies for shortened words, try not to go overboard with elongating their words in dialogue, avoid redundancy, watch out for missing commas, capitalise properly.

Great job! I liked it.
Keep writing and PM me if you ever want another critique
~Have a nice day!
Meep(:

Thanks!
You helped a lot Meep(:
I'll take your advice and fix it up later.
Maybe tommrow.
Thanks again! (:

Even as a lover of Twilight ad Harry Potter, I can say that I liked this a lot.
It is a random sort of play, bit funny and quite original, I must say!
Well Done!
But some of that spelling needs sorted out!

Keep writing!

I like it. I can tell it was kind of thrown together but i like things that way. te things ppl think of! Haha ah ah ahahahhah aha hah ah ahhaha h a haha ha hahah ha ah aah aha ah ah aha ah ah a hah ahah. sorry augh attach. Um I have never read the twilight or harry potter books. I have only seen the harry potter movies, but anyways i still liked it. iven tho it was confusing anyaee op joojabot

Ahhhhhhh *falls of chair laughing* not really

*gives stern look* Sorry but as a brit anything even remotely insulting about are accents just makes me hate the rest of the piece sorry but you know I thought you did it well I've read the other ones by meep and this really stands out next to it

^^^ is that a compliment?
Sorry about the accent thing.
Personally I think "brits" are cool. (:

Bahaha is it really that bad? :[

80,000 gold stars for making fun of Twilight!!!! haha but one thing......i like jk rowling i mean her initials r JK in text language its just kidding. HAHA her names Just Kidding Rowling.