Last edited by thewritingdoc on Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:44 pm, edited 3 times in total.
I'd rather write about this world than live in itand I'd rather play music all day and read and wander around bookstoresand watch humansbut not be one of them.
Just had to let you know. Amazingness. Alright, review time.
Official review-----
1. New title. I think this poem is so beautiful, but it needs a title that expresses its beauty. "Dear Summer" isn't quite Sufficient to sum up how great this poem is. It is such a light title, try going for something deeper and meaningful.
2.It seems that during this poem your capitalization is taking the form of sentences. For example,
"Why did you ever leave?
Right now
I'm hallucinating
seeing sunshine lights
and a warm brown gaze-
yours."
If you spread it out, the capitals come at the beginning of each sentence, not the beginning of each line. Which is fine. (I think...) But there are a couple places where this is not consistent, so it upsets your pattern. Just try to go through and check for those places where you did not put a punctuation mark, but you started again with a capital letter. (I have no idea if that was understandable at all.)
3.Punctuation. It is a little lacking. If you do as suggested above, that should help even out the run-ons and such. Try to add a little more, just so it really takes shape as the letter-poem that it is. But don't overload it, that always makes it stiff and formal. =P
4.In some places your stanzas are twelve lines long, in some they are six, in some they are two, or one. I do not think at ALL that stanzas need to be the same length-a shorter stanza here and there adds a very nice touch and places emphasis on certain points of the poem. However, with this poem you tend to have the longer stanzas clumped together and the shorter stanzas clumped together, so this sort of takes away from the "placed emphasis" idea. For example--
"After soccer games
sitting under ancient oaks
in serpent green oceans of grass
we did our own dancing routine-
with our hearts.
I wonder
did yours do a leap
everytime
I put my pale, exhausted arms
around a nuzzly brown neck
that reeked of sweat
& pulled myself desperately in"
This stanza came right after two other long stanzas. Then you go straight into a one-liner. If you split this one up, it could still be connected.
"After soccer games
sitting under ancient oaks
in serpent green oceans of grass
we did our own dancing routine-
with our hearts.
I wonder
did yours do a leap
everytime
I put my pale, exhausted arms
around a nuzzly brown neck
that reeked of sweat
& pulled myself desperately in?"--(added the question mark)
See, it's still connected by the thoughts, just separated to give a better general over-view.
Hmmm...have I covered everything...? I think so, I'll come back if I think of anything else.
So, I love this poem and I hope you keep improving on it because it is simply lovely. Please please please PM me if you update it!
--Clue.
P.S. This was a purely technical review, and I would simply love to review the content and meaning, however I thought I better let other people get a review or two in before I covered EVERYTHING. Please let me know if you want a review on the content side.
(I rarely give out gold stars, but...this is a rare exception.)
"It is a dull mind that can think of only one way to spell a word."
Oh boy. I think we're all waiting for the summer. I love this.
or that awesome dark hair
Try another word instead of awesome. It isn't working for me.
& pulled myself desperately in
why not say and?
salad fingers
Salad fingers?
This was very emotional and lovely... ah, the summer romance. Ultimately ends in tears.
I agree with clue, some more punctuation wouldn't go amiss. Question marks, full stops. Not necessarily commas, because I appreciate that you want to keep this simple and nice. Also, at the end when she signs off, why not capitalize "A Girl Sitting in the Dark." It might look better... but you also put a double meaning in those last few lines, which I really liked.
Some of your images are lovely - I was surprised by some of them too, like soccer games -that was bizarre.
But overall, great job. I'm going to hand you a gold Stella badge (ie. star)!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
I won't do much technical stuff because I happen to be useless at formalities ______________________
Why did you ever leave?
Right now
I'm hallucinating
seeing sunshine lights
and a warm brown gazea brown gaze?? maybe something richer.. like chocolate gaze but not so corny :-p yours. capital methinks
Who could forget
reluctant hands intertwined
and such a fiendish smirk i can't picture this 'fiendish smirk' with the reluctant hands... whenever I feel fiendish I am generally pretty confident with the girl I am with. lol... just me though.... or that awesome dark hair i hate the word awesome. its worse than amazing lol walking six miles everyday
I didn't really care
as long as I could see you. this is awesome... (see it is a weak word!!) but seriously I love it
After soccer games
sitting under ancient oaks
in serpent green oceans of grass
we did our own dancing routine-
with our hearts.
I wonder
did yours do a leap
everytime
I put my pale, exhausted arms
around a nuzzly brown neck
that reeked of sweat
& pulled myself desperately in I will not touch this stanza out of fear of wrecking something so good!!
How could I not miss you?
During the day
we ran like Forest Gump I'm not big on pop-culture references in poetry.. it means it can't be understood by everyone.. but eh.. up to you. the heat caused
sparks
to fly.
and during the night
just sat under stars.
Sometimes we didn't even
have to
speak.
On the last day of summer
you asked
Do I believe in true love?
"No," was my truthful answer
You said,
"How could you not believe in love?
When it's everywhere around you?" I don't like the repition of true and truthful, if I were you I would cut truthful, or even them both... but regardless the weight of this stanza carries is insane
And so now
in the dead of winter,
I'm asking you;
Please return sunshine maybe 'my sunshine' I don't think I can last another day in the dark.
Next summer
you'll be ten thousand miles away
so there's no need to worry
about
falling in love
What will be missing next summer:
sarcastic remarks
phone calls until midnight
salad fingers lol is this a youtube video or something dirtier... youtube video=same as forrest gump, except because its so ambiguous you could leave it in there quite easily tight hugs
swift feet
and
the s u n. don't space the letters apart, it isn't needed, the emphasis is well and truly there
Love,
a girl living in the dark
I'm not sure about the ending... I deleted the 'Dear Summer' at the start accidentally, but I think it reads better that way, and I think it would end better on 'sun' as well. Except the 'a girl in the dark' as an ending is good too (I'd delete 'living' btw) so its up to you... if you could find another way of finishing with that line without making it a letter then that'd be great. maybe....
"Cos right now
I'm a girl in the dark'
or better I think:
"I don't wanna be a girl in the dark."
just suggestions though... its up to you
I must reiterate though: wow.
The imagery was fantastic, it was powerful, raw, sharp and cutting: basically everything great in poetry.
I really loved the way you broke up your lines too... its a great style and it definitely sharpened the blow.
I would love to read more of your stuff
Brendan
I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas. . . . . .
Much better! I read it again and I like it even better than the first time. =) Well done, I like the changes you made.
On the subject of nuzzly --I think it is a very cute word, but when I saw it on the first read-through I did question it slightly. Reading it again...well...it seems that it has grown on me, because I feel like it fits now. The first impression is very important to readers though, I think you will have to make the final decision. I can't think of any other word that would fit there...
Content--- As everybody has pointed out your imagery is wonderful. I take it that this poem has a double meaning. One, the obvious, summer. But the other, ALMOST as obvious, the boy. And, he IS summer. So it's a double meaning, but...it's the same. Haha. Sorry. I'm thinking out loud. =)
I like the places where this hint of double meaning comes out, for ex.
"And so now
in the dead of winter,"
You're talking about the season, but also about the feeling he leaves you with when he's gone. You use this all throughout the poem and it is simply lovely.
I also like how you used the soccer game. It's familiar, it's homey, I like it. So really I have nothing to say that is negative about the content of your poem, just that you have a fabulous choice of images and pictures and settings.
One spoiler. And that's it. Okay, here it is.
"I put my pale, exhausted arms
around a nuzzly brown neck
that reeked of sweat
and pulled myself desperately in"
Up till now the poem has an innocent, sweet, sad tone, then you throw the "desperately" in there. Now it seems more like your...well, desperate... if you know what I mean. It just ruins it. Gives off a bad image. That is the ONLY bad thing about this poem.
-Clue.
"It is a dull mind that can think of only one way to spell a word."
Wonderful, absolutely wonderful! Your poem was filled with emotion and just the right amount of description. This is my favorite stanza, the picture comes so easily into my mind...
After soccer games
sitting under ancient oaks
in serpent green oceans of grass
we did our own dancing routine-
with our hearts.
I'm usually not a fan of non-ryhming poems, but this was beautiful, and it flowed prefectly!
The best things in life are unseen. That's why we close our eyes when we kiss, cry, and dream.
Please let me know if you want a review on the content side.
