Scar Electric

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1145
Reviews 41
Explosions hide the stars away as the sky is dark and bare.
I stand wide-eyed and paralysed by the tension in the air.
The wind has choked to nothingness and the silhouettes are still
And shadows seem to circle me, preparing for the kill.

The dogs defy the silence as the fear pollutes their breath.
Schizophrenics dreaming of a fast approaching death.
I can taste the electricity as the birds vacate the sky
And explosions drift across to capture white, celestial eye.

Blindness takes a hold of me as darkness dances in
And I shiver as the ghostly tongues of shadows lick my skin.
Gently they engulf me like a cold and searing mist
And my throat rejects a scream just as my cobalt lips are kissed.

Severing the silence comes a diamond-splitting crack
And the violating silhouette lies writhing on its back.
The shadows that had swallowed me dissipated by the light
While the street that had deserted me now bathes in brilliant white.

I ignore the solid raindrops that are pounding on my skull
For before this very moment my world had never looked so dull.
Electric arteries are quickly etched against the dark,
Scarring the explosions like a malevolent remark.

I make a dash for strobe-lit hilltop at an expeditious pace,
Desperate not to let this gorgeous nightmare go to waste.
I cut new slits into the blackness with an imaginary knife,
Then fill syringes with the lightning to inject my veins with life.
I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas. . . . . .

"The Lovesong of J Alfred Prufrock" T.S Eliot




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 14
'Severing the silence comes a diamond-splitting crack

And the violating silhouette lies writhing on its back.'


I really like this piece. Flawless rhythm and a brilliant rhyme scheme. The lines I quoted above are just perfect. Well done.




User avatar
Gender Other
Points 89625
Reviews 1272
Hiya erratik_statik!

Since I am now finished the judging for Elements of Nature, it's time to pull up all my entries to critique them! ^_^

I was judging on three items. How you portrayed the element, originality and structure.

Element: Stunning. Absolutely stunning. The way you put Lightning as the banish-er of the dark, the night-light of a storm, the savour of those about to be encased by darkness, it was all beautiful.

The last stanza, on the other hand, turned me off. It made a reference to drugs and cutting that I did not like. Those things destroy, nothing else, while Lightning can be seen as you portrayed it above. Rather counter-intuitive.

Originality: Rather nice. Lightning is not one of the usual "elements", but you've described it very well. I particularly loved the way the MC was saved by lightning at first.

Structure: You're very consistent, and the rhymes were just beautiful. Not forced at all. ^_^

You're absolutly wonderful at description. I would use that, only make things less emo. ;)

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.



That comma is load bearing.
— Omni