Poetry for the broken hearted

Okay, so here's some more poetry, and i can assure you that its much
better than my other poetry, i spent a whole twenty minutes writing all of these !
(while listening to music) so, enjoy !!

Feelings
I feel like I want to cry, but why are there no tears coming out?
I feel like I want to scream, but why isn’t my voice letting me shout?
I want to see you again, but I know It isn’t possible.
Your just another emotions that’s unstoppable


Tears held blackened fears.
One day I started thinking who my one true love was meant to be.
And just like air, you appeared in front of me, so gorgeous and wonderful in my eyes.
The days with you were indescribable, the times with you were undeniable, I knew you loved me.
But one day you said you had to let me go. You never let your feelings show,
but I knew you regretted it, deep down below, because when you told me, I couldn’t see.

My eyes were covered in tears, after all these years, it ended in my darkest fears.
Your words painfully breaking my heart, I wanted nothing more than to go back to the start,
when the days with you were easy, when my stomach felt less queasy.
Without hesitation, I ran away from you, and never looked back, because I knew my emotions,
just might crack. You tore my heart apart, I never wanted to love again,
I just wanted it all to end.

I heard a sound, that kept hitting the ground, and I turned around. What do I see?
You, chasing after me. You said you cared, that you were scared, and that you really loved me.
But how could I believe it? After you had to just admit? You didn’t love me, you didn’t care,
I didn’t want to give in, I wouldn’t dare. I screamed in your face, that you were a disgrace,
I never saw you again, I let it all be the end. I killed myself that night, After that, everything
went bright.

Your still in my memory. Forever you’ll always be.



One day
One day I want to tell you, that I love you,
and that my whole world revolves around you.
That you’re my everything, and that every time I think
about you, my heart starts aching. But the day I took the
emotion to tell you myself. There was a commotion going around,
that you loved someone else. My heart ached a lot that day,
words couldn’t explain what I wanted to say. That girl your with cant
treat you right, but until the day comes, that you realize that I love you,
I’ll be alright.


Well, anyway i really hoped you liked 'em ! It took me a while to write the second one
and sorry if there's too many poems, i like to have two or three in a post at a time,
just to have more fun and rhyme ! oh.. that rhymed too.. sorry I'm really in the mood, to
write a lot of poetry
Again, hoped you enjoyed it !! Please, comment !

Hi Marshmellow-Warrior!

I'll be a reviewer for these poems and for you today! I'm going to reviewer the poems one at a time, so one in each comment I do, it'll be easier for me and you to understand.

Feelings
I feel like I want to cry, but why are there no tears coming out?
I feel like I want to scream, but why isn’t my voice letting me shout?
I want to see you again, but I know It isn’t possible.
Your just another emotions that’s unstoppable

I found this poem quite good, although there were some grammatical mistakes and rhythmic problems to it. The second line of the poem seems to disturb the rhythm; perhaps you could reword it into:

I feel like I want to cry, but why aren't the tears coming out?
I feel like I want to scream, but why can't I shout?

And now the grammar: the i in It should not be capitilised; instead of your, it should be you're (I'm sure you know why!), and I think there shouldn't be an s at the end of emotions. Also, remember to put a period (.) at the end of the last line in the poem!!

Overall, like I said, I found the poem good; perhaps you could develop the poem a bit more, expand your idea because at the moment it's a good start!

ThienThienThien,
A Very Nice Person

Hi Marshmellow again!

I'm going to review the third poem now: One Day.

One day
One day I want to tell you, that I love you,
and that my whole world revolves around you.
That you’re my everything, and that every time I think
about you, my heart starts aching. But the day I took the
emotion to tell you myself. There was a commotion going around,
that you loved someone else. My heart ached a lot that day,
words couldn’t explain what I wanted to say. That girl your with cant
treat you right, but until the day comes, that you realize that I love you,
I’ll be alright.

The poem was also good, but again there were mistakes and problems. That's what I'm here to fix!
I noticed you didn't put the two rhyming couplets at the end of the line; you should really do this when you're writing a rhyming poem because it if you don't, it destroys the rhythm of the poem. I'll just do that for you now:

One day
One day I want to tell you, that I love you,
and that my whole world revolves around you.
That you’re my everything,
and that every time I think about you, my heart starts aching.
But the day I took the emotion to tell you myself.
There was a commotion going around, that you loved someone else.
My heart ached a lot that day,
words couldn’t explain what I wanted to say.
That girl your with cant treat you right,
but until the day comes, that you realize that I love you, I’ll be alright.

There!

I also noticed were repeating the word that; in my eyes, that's a filler word; you could do without it. Instead of explaining to you, I'll just edit and [s]strikeout[/s] the words I think shouldn't appear in this great poem:

One day
One day I want to tell you[s], that[/s] : I love you,
[s]and that [/s]my whole world revolves around you.
That you’re my everything,
[s]and that [/s]every time I think about you, my heart starts aching.
But the day I took the emotion to tell you myself.
There was a commotion going around[s], that[/s] : you loved someone else.
My heart ached a lot that day,
words couldn’t explain what I wanted to say.
That girl your with can't treat you right,
[s]but [/s]until the day comes, [s]that[/s] you realize that I love you, I’ll be alright.

Done! I hope I've helped you enough! Now off to the last poem!

ThienThienThien,
A Very Nice Person

OK, so now the last poem: Tears Held Blackened Fears!

First of all, I'd like to say this is a really good title for a poem. Good choice and imagination!

Now to the reviewing:

Tears held blackened fears.
One day I started thinking who my one true love was meant to be.
And just like air, you appeared in front of me, so gorgeous and wonderful in my eyes.
The days with you were indescribable, the times with you were undeniable, I knew you loved me.
But one day you said you had to let me go. You never let your feelings show,
but I knew you regretted it, deep down below, because when you told me, I couldn’t see.

My eyes were covered in tears, after all these years, it ended in my darkest fears.
Your words painfully breaking my heart, I wanted nothing more than to go back to the start,
when the days with you were easy, when my stomach felt less queasy.
Without hesitation, I ran away from you, and never looked back, because I knew my emotions,
just might crack. You tore my heart apart, I never wanted to love again,
I just wanted it all to end.

I heard a sound, that kept hitting the ground, and I turned around. What do I see?
You, chasing after me. You said you cared, that you were scared, and that you really loved me.
But how could I believe it? After you had to just admit? You didn’t love me, you didn’t care,
I didn’t want to give in, I wouldn’t dare. I screamed in your face, that you were a disgrace,
I never saw you again, I let it all be the end. I killed myself that night, After that, everything
went bright.

Your still in my memory. Forever you’ll always be.

There's just that little problem of not having the words that rhyme at the end of the lines and the rhythm of the poem. I'll fix that, you just sit back and relax!

Tears held blackened fears.
One day I [s]started thinking[/s] wondered who my one true love was meant to be.
And just like air, you appeared in front of me,
So gorgeous and wonderful in my eyes.
I knew you were the truth - not lies.
The days with you were indescribable,
the times with you were undeniable - I knew you loved me.
But one day you said you had to let me go.
You never let your feelings show,
but I knew you regretted it, deep down below, because when you told me,
I couldn’t see.

My eyes were covered in tears,
after all these years, [s]it[/s] and ended in my darkest fears.
Your words painfully [s]breaking[/s] broke my heart,
I wanted nothing more than to go back to the start,
When the days with you were easy,
When my stomach felt less queasy.
Without hesitation, I ran away from you, and never looked back,
because I knew my emotions just might crack.
You tore my heart apart, I never wanted to love again,
I just wanted it all to end.

I heard a sound,
that kept hitting the ground, [s]and[/s] so I turned around.
What do I see?
You, chasing after me.
You said you cared,
that you were scared,
and that you really loved me.
But how could I believe it? After you had to just admit? You didn’t love me, you didn’t care,
I didn’t want to give in, I wouldn’t dare.
I screamed in your face,
that you were a disgrace,
I never saw you again,
I let it all be the end.
I killed myself that night.
After that, everything
went bright.

[s]Your[/s] You're still in my memory. Forever you’ll always be.

Overall, this poem is just WOW. This has to be the best out of all three, especially the end when she commits suicide. I loved the plot, this was like a poem and story hybrid. I loved it! I'm looking forward to more of these poems to review!

ThienThienThien,
A Very Nice Person