Chapter 1
“What song would describe your life?” He asked me looking directly at me with his hazel green eyes. God, I would do anything when he looked at me like that. His eyes were just so enchanting. So pure and beautiful.
“I don’t know, I never really gave it a lot of consideration. But it would probably be a cd not a song.” I said quietly laying in the grass looking up at the stars.
“I guess you have a point there. God, do you have idea how amazing you truly are. Like, even if we were just friends I would always want to be around you. Your laugh is enchanting, your smile is pure bliss and your soul is more beautiful than Paris in lights. And the best thing about you is that you have no idea how truly magnificent you are. You’re so beautiful.” He said now hovering over me looking at me directly in my eyes. I felt like he could see my soul when he looked at me like that, and as he kept staring at me I just couldn’t bring myself to look away. I felt my heartbeat speed up.
You’re such a sappy romantic.” I said smiling.
“You know I can stay like this for eternity, just hovering over you like an angel. Protecting you from any type of hurt. I wouldn’t need to kiss you, hug you, and or even have sex with you, no touching whatsoever. As long as I’m near you I could live off that.” He said as his lips were brushing against mine. And at the same exact moment I closed my eyes and held my breath. Just being in his presence left me absolutely breathless, always struggling for my next breath.
“I love you, I’ve never felt this way about anyone in my life. And I know that that sounds oddly cliché but it’s the truth. I always thought that love wasn’t meant for me, it was just two people that tolerated each other enough to form a relationship. But I don’t have to tolerate you .I love everything you say and do. I think you’re the most amazing person that I’ve ever met. I don’t let people in like I did you. Truth be told I was scared. Scared to be hurt by you. That you would take my heart and run with it. I was utterly terrified to be with you let alone near you. But for this strange unexplainable reason I let you in and I let you love me.” I whispered to him as he prompt himself on his elbow listening to me.
“I just can’t picture myself with anyone else but you and that still kind of scares me because what if you leave or something happens that makes us unable to be with each other?” I said with tears burning in my eyes.
“I would never stop loving you, even if you stopped loving me. And the only thing that could tear us apart is death”.
And then suddenly he kissed me with as much passion as he had. I felt my heart started to race and the world around me turned black.
Death.
Is.
A.
Bitch.
I took a glance around the white solarium only to be focused on the only figures that I had come to know and love; my best friends Gregory and Shanna. Gregory standing there hovering over Shanna like a child but only due to the fact of his height. He looked agitated and I could tell because when he was agitated he always had to run his hands through his curly black hair. His wide green eyes finally settling on the dead oak tree that stood slouching outside the window, then and only then did I notice how truly magnificent he was.
Shanna. The only other word that would describe her is: Breathtaking. She had been my best friend ever since I had to start some type of active therapy. The first time I had laid eyes on her I thought she was the most beautiful person I had ever met. Her wavy red hair cloaking her freckled pale face, along side her glowing bright gray eyes. Immediately I knew that this girl would ultimately change my life with her beautiful soul.
I finally found my voice after carefully analyzing them down to the very tee. I knew that my reflection in their eyes was something horrid and unimaginable. So I made my way over to them with my signature frown on my face and cigarette in hand. Not only was I depressed and crazy but I had started the habit that I swore that I would never do. But in these last couple of months I had discovered this whole new version of myself. Someone that I always knew was there but never gave her the time of day. But now, I had no choice, since the accident I had no hope whatsoever in regaining the girl I once was. I went from a girl who loved everything and everyone with her whole fiber of being, someone who got lost in the party scene, the girl that once held a certain innocence that she had always maintained. After I had watched the only person that could love me with as much blindness passion as I did him, die, that innocence died. For quite some time now he had remained in an urn at home resting on my bedside. I became this new person: a woman that depended on no one, declared mentally ill, thought-provoked, honest woman. I had finally found this person in my soul that was drowning in this cascade of happiness and now had emerged. Broken. Warn-down. Fragile. Yet strong. A beautiful contradiction.
We all exchanged looks and mentally agreed that hugs nor any sort of emotional release would be needed. I was relieved, the last thing I needed were my best friends feeling sorry for me when everyone around me kept telling me how sorry they were and how strong I was. I was now at the point where I responded with an “I don’t give” attitude. (As quoted by my therapist).
“So…Mandy dumped me, right after I found out that she cheated on me.” Gregory said bluntly breaking the silence.
I thank God for that man’s bluntness, that’s the reason that we can get a along so well. We say what we feel and expect the same of others. Of course we’re always disappointed by the human race when they play those mind games. But Gregory and I, we knew how to play people’s games better and always got what each person on this horrible planet deserves. The truth, no matter how harsh or ugly, or beautiful.
“Really? Well she was a whore anyway. You could have done better.” I replied messing with my medical bracelet. The latest in hospital wear and now the only thing I could have around my wrist.
“I don’t know. I mean you were in Australia for like 3 months. Maybe it was because she was lonely and missed you. Give her the benefit of the doubt, or at least consider it.” Shanna said, staring at her cell phone probably texting her new boyfriend of the week.
Gregory and I exchanged looks without even saying anything we both knew what we each other was thinking.
I had introduced Shanna to Gregory out of pure politeness and he instantly felt this love hate relationship with her. Loving her beauty and how simply breath-taking it was and then hating her innocence that came with it as well. Shanna was what the world called a complete optimist, pissing rainbows and sunshine. Making any situation no matter how grim, into something that Mother Theresa would say. And that utterly burned Gregory up inside.
“That still doesn’t give her the right to cheat on him. If you think it does; then I can understand why you never stay in a relationship for more than 2 months.” I shot back at Shanna.
I know that that sounded harsh but it was the truth. Shanna had never had a long-term relationship in her life. It’s sad because she’ll never know what it feels like for someone to selflessly love her and do anything for her; like I had. I just hope that she meets that person that makes her knees weak when they speak and her heat flutter when they kiss.
“I was just saying, maybe she was lonely and he was there and she couldn’t…you know what never mind.” She was agitated and pissed that I had just basically said what everyone that knew her couldn’t say, but knew. Shanna’s friends are the people who hated confrontation and hated hurting someone’s feelings, so no real feelings were ever exchanged; only which guys were cute, where they got their hair dyed, and how fat they were.
“I’m leaving in about 2 weeks guys, isn’t that totally awesome.” I said attempting to break the icy tension between all of us.
“That’s great. Things haven’t been the same since you’ve been in here, Shanna and I have been at each other’s necks constantly, and everyone keeps dropping off “I’m sorry” casseroles.” Gregory said in a low voice accompanied by a chuckle.
“I’m sorry casseroles? Really?” I started to laugh instantly. Gregory and I hated casseroles along with pity and empathy. And when they were put together it was a simple reminder how the human race dealt with grief; with a tuna baked meal, an apology, and probably some major helpings of pity.
