The Sun

The Sun

I am like the planets as they revolve around
The centre of the solar system.
Your gravity, I can't resist
A force akin to magnetism, but so much greater
Yet hidden and subtle
Draws me in.

Held in place with the invisible chains
Of your attraction.
I could easily cut the chords
But I'm happily tied up.
And as I dance your cute routine
I don't move. I really am,
Just your puppet on a string

Like an innocent fly,
I head for the glow of your beauty,
The light of your smile ensnares me,
I enter the warm sunlight,
And the shadow that is hope vanishes,
Because just like the sun,
You burn any that get too close.

This was a very nice poem with a well-written analogy.

The flow was very broken, and I had trouble finding a rythym, and since this poem sort of has a them of being caught in a pattern, revolving around the sun, I think it needs one.

I am like the planets as they revolve around
The centre of the solar system.
Your gravity, I can't resist
A force akin to magnetism, but so much greater
Yet hidden and subtle
Draws me in.

Your wording in this stanza is a little odd. Although I like "Your gravity, I can't resist," I'm not so sure about the next line or the last one. I want to put "but so much greater" on a new line, but I can't get it to work out.

But I'm happily tied up.
And as I dance your cute routine
I don't move. I really am,
Just your puppet on a string

I love the first line here.
I think you should put "I really am," on the last line, but it doesn't really look write. But since your starting a new idea, I wouldn't attatch it to "I don't move."

Like an innocent fly,
I head for the glow of your beauty,
The light of your smile ensnares me,
I enter the warm sunlight,
And the shadow that is hope vanishes,
Because just like the sun,
You burn any that get too close.

I love this stanza, but please come up with something other than "fly" for your similie. It just doens't sound right. I know it goes with the next light, but I wouldn't compare myself to an insect. That's just my opinion. I would reword the fifth line to "And the shadow of hope vanishes," but that's not really saying the same thing. I'm just not a big fan of "that is" in anything. That's just me, though.
I love the last two lines. Wasn't really expecting that.

All in all, this is a wonderful idea and you communicated it well.

-Sea-

hey I really like this man.. gold star defs.

The words were used sparsely and effectively and gave a real punchy feel; the analogy was really original and the imagery to worked with it nicely

A few things:



I am [s]like[/s] the planets as they revolve around (a metaphor would be better with such a srong analogy)
The centre of the solar system.
Your gravity, I can't resist
A force akin to magnetism, but so much greater
Yet hidden and subtle
Drawing me in. (tense.. i think lol)

Held in place with the invisible chains
Of your attraction. (I don't think attraction can belong to someone...different word???)
I could easily cut the chords
But I'm happily tied up.
And [s]as[/s]though[/b] I dance your cute routine .......I love this
I don't move. I really am, (cannot rather than don't... fixes the contradiction with the last line)
Just your puppet on a string

Like an innocent fly,
I head for the glow of your beauty,
The light of your smile ensnares me,
I enter the warm sunlight, overuse of light... different word??)
And the shadow that is hope vanishes, perhaps cool shadow... as a shadow is generally the opposite to hope...)
Because just like the sun,
You burn any that get too close.

( I think you can strengthen the last line a bit.... stronger words... but I just read it again and it seemed fine so :S.. up to you)


Overall though this was great man... don't mean to sound to critical because I like it a lot

Lovely. Love poetry plus celestial bodies equals brilliance to me. Biased maybe since I love astronomy too much but not really because this poem was effing good.

Although I must agree that this doesn't flow too well. The rhythm stops suddenly in some parts. However, I don't think its too big an impairment because despite the slight problem on flow this still conveyed the emotions so well and was still utterly beautiful.

hey,
thanks for the comments, i'll edit the poem accordingly
cheers