The Red Rose

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I have written a first draft of the entire story, I will be posting the chapters as I revise them. Please tell me what you think. If you think I can improve, please give me your ideas!

Chapter 1: The Origin of the Rose

I turned around, and Robert was right behind me.

“Do you wish to dance, Clarissa?” Robert questioned me. We were at a very extravagant party. It was being hosted at The Jerne manor. Everyone who was anyone was at the party. I looked into Robert’s eyes, and nodded.

“Yes, I would be delighted.” I was happy as he took my hand, and we gently glided across the ballroom floor. Robert was a very fine man. He had hair of gold, and eyes of moist brown. His jawbone was proportioned perfectly with his other features.

“You look very beautiful today.” His sincere eyes touched my heart.

“Thank you, Robert. You look quite handsome as well.” I replied. I was said to be a very pretty lady. I had beautiful blue eyes, with long brunette hair. Robert had crisp brown eyes, with dark blonde hair. We kept dancing to the music of the gentle orchestra. I looked into Robert’s eyes, he looked into mine. We had a bond that you couldn’t separate. I suppose we shared, love. The orchestra stopped playing, and he gently whispered in my ear.

“Clarissa, you are the most wonderful person I have ever met. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” His words echoed in my ears. Again he looked into my eyes, and leaned in to kiss me. Instead of kissing him, I took his hand and led him to the backyard gardens.

“Robert, we must talk.” I solemnly replied. A slight worry came upon Robert’s face as I muttered those words. “I am not ready.” The smile dropped from his mouth.

“If you are not ready, then I will wait, I suppose.” He muttered, I could tell he was hurt. “But, when will you be ready?”

“I will be ready, when I am ready. Just not now, Robert…” I awkwardly looked away.

“Clarissa, I love you. I could never be away from you.” He silently turned my head towards him, and again leaned in to kiss me. His smooth lips touched mine, but only for a matter of seconds before he pulled away. He smiled at me, a very sweet smile.

I was truly not ready for a marriage of any sort. I was 18 years old, and independent. I did not know for sure if I truly loved Robert back. I had the slightest feeling that I did not know what love really was. I felt like I was still a child. It would be awhile before I wanted to start a family of my own.

“You have been a great friend to me.” I gently whispered with the wind. His face brightened at the words. “But, I do not feel ready to be married.”

“I will wait for you.” He replied, “Whatever you choose, I will encourage it.” I grinned. Robert had always followed my best interests. He would be a very good husband… and father.

“We had better be going, Clarissa.” He said as he gently guided me towards the ballroom door. We came out again at the front door, and a carriage was awaiting our return. Robert opened the door for me, and I stepped inside. The drive home was almost silent, we talked a tiny bit. We waved our goodbyes as I came into my familiar household. I had a very wonderful family. They all loved me dearly, as I loved them.

“Hello, Mother.” I said as I came inside.

“Welcome home, Clarissa. Did you have a splendid time?” She replied

“Why, yes I did. I danced with Robert.” I smiled as I said his name.

“Robert is a fine young gentleman. He would be fit for you to marry him.” She replied, also with a smile.

“Yes, but I do not know if I am ready to be married, Mother.” I said.

“You are growing older, my dear Clarissa. You are no longer a child.” She replied, with an enthusiastic grin.

“I know, but I still feel as if I am a child.” I replied, sighing. “It feels as if there is an adventure waiting to happen…”

“That adventure may be your marriage.” She gestured towards the door.

“I don’t know…” I sighed again. I soon saw my little brother, Edward, coming towards me.

“Oh Clarissa, I missed you so!” He shouted as he jumped into my arms. Edward was 4 years old, and talkative. He had my hair color, but my father’s brown eyes.

“I missed you as well, my little brother!” I said as I hugged his little fragile body.

“Mother says I must go to bed, but I do not wish to go to bed.” He told me as he glared at Mother.

“You should do what Mother says, dear Edward.” I grinned at him as he folded his arms stubbornly.

“Mother, I am not going to bed!” Edward said as he laid a frown on his face.

“Please, Edward, it’s time for little boys to be in bed.” My mother told him, and Edward sighed. I had an idea. I said,

“Edward, I am going to chase you to your bedroom! If I win, you have to give me three of your toys.” I smiled knowingly; I knew that I would let him win. A look of shock came across his little face and he ran to his room with the speed of light. My mother and I giggled.

“Well, Mother, I’m off to bed.” I said as I yawned.

“Goodnight, my darling.” She replied as I walked towards my room. I came into my bedroom, and gently placed my ball gown into my dresser. I pulled my sleeping gown on, and huddled in my warm bed. I thought about my past, as I tried to fall into sleep.

Robert and I had been friends as long as I could remember. We used to play together, and we became very good friends. When we started growing older, we began to fall in love with each other. We went to parties together, and danced the long night away. Both of our families had been pretty wealthy, and we had all the little delicacies of life. Robert had been taught in fine schools, and I had been educated to be a homemaker. We were perfect for each other. But something felt wrong, like we weren’t meant to be. It almost felt like there was a different person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.

I soon drifted off into a deep sleep. I had horrible dreams that night; dreams of me being an old, and rather overweight, lady. In that dream, I was chasing hundreds of little children all over the house. I held my cane as I tried to catch them all. Then, Robert entered the dream. He was also old and overweight. He would not help me catch the children; he sat in a corner drinking wine. I woke up with sweat trickling down my back. That was the most horrid dream I had ever had. Is this how my future would end up? I quickly sat up and wiped the sweat from my brow. My maid entered the room with her normal happy attitude.

“Hello, miss Clarissa.” She said as she got my dress ready.

“Hello, Danielle.” I said as I got out of bed. Danielle came and folded my bed.

“Your clothes are ready, miss.” She said as she gestured towards my drawers. I got my clothing, and put the fabric on. I always wore very fashionable clothes. There was a knock at the door. My maid answered it for me.

“Miss Clarissa, its Robert.” Danielle said.

“Let him in.” I muttered. Danielle opened the door, and Robert ran to me. I hugged him, and he kissed me on the cheek.

“Clarissa, I must tell you something.” He said, the grin falling from his face.

“Yes, Robert?” I replied, a vacant expression on my face.

“I have been drafted into the war…” He looked down.

“Robert, you are leaving me?” I looked shocked.

“I must go and protect my country. I will be safe, I promise you.” He replied, but he didn’t look so sure. I felt the tears swelling up in my eyes.

“Well, if you must.” I said, trying to hold back the tears.

“Oh, my dear Clarissa, don’t cry.” He pulled me closer to him, and I let the tears spread on his suit.

“Whe—when… are you…… leaving?” I said as I cried helplessly.

“I am leaving tomorrow, Clarissa. But do not fret. You will always be in my heart.” He said as he tried to comfort me.

“You will always be in my heart.” I replied, swiping the tears from my face.


“Oh, how I love you so much my dear Clarissa. But, I must go pack.” He regretfully said as he left my room. “Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.” I replied, holding back the tears. He exited the room, and I collapsed on my bed. I went throughout the day, depressed. I tried to look happy, but I could not. I held back tears all day. Robert would be gone, and he would possibly never come back. The next day came by fast, and I regretted saying goodbye to Robert. I came downstairs as he knocked on the door.

“Clarissa, follow me. I want to give you something of mine.” He smiled as he led me towards the garden. We sat on a little bench that was decorated to match the garden.

“Now, close your eyes, and hold out your hands.” He said. He gently placed an object in my hands. Then he dove in for a kiss. Before I could protest, his lips were at mine. My eyes were still shut, and I felt his lips passionately kiss mine. I kissed him back, just as passionate. I could feel his cool breath blow gently across my skin. I felt his strong hands move up my neck, and I lightly weaved his gold hair in my fingers. I felt how much he cared for me, how much he truly loved me. After a long while, he gently pulled away. I looked at the object in my hand. It was a rose.

“I love you, Clarissa. I want you to keep this rose, even when it wilts. It will remind you of me, when I cannot be with you.” He said with a true heart.

“Thank you so much, my dear Robert. I will keep your rose, until my death.” I replied, with the feeling of love lingering about.

“Bye, my darling Clarissa.” Robert called as he left.

“Bye, Robert.” I gently waved my hand as he left.

The next few days were rather grim; I silently practiced my studies, and I took a long time at everything. I looked forward to the next social occasion so I wouldn’t be bored out of my mind. At times, I gazed at the red rose that Robert had left me. I had the rose in a special case, turned upside down so it would wilt and then last forever. This was my special opportunity to be alone for awhile, to see how life would be without Robert, to see if my love was indeed true.




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Hey :D
Awesome that you posted something ;)
Here's my review:

sparrowrules wrote:
Chapter 1: The Origin of the Rose

I turned around, and Robert was right behind me.

“Do you wish to dance, Clarissa?” Robert questioned me. [I would change "questioned" to ask, because "question" personally reminds me of interrogations and doubting someone. Just a suggestion, though ;)]We were at a very extravagant party. It was being hosted by the Jernes for everyone who was anyone. I looked into Robert’s eyes, and nodded.

“Yes, I would be delighted.” I was happy as he took my hand, and we gently glided across the ballroom floor. Robert was a very fine man. He had hair of gold, and eyes of moist brown. His jawbone was proportioned perfectly with his other features.

“You look very beautiful today.” His sincere eyes touched my heart.

“Thank you, Robert. You look quite handsome as well.” I replied. I was said to be a very pretty lady. I had beautiful blue eyes, with long brunette hair. Robert had crisp brown eyes, with dark blonde hair. [This sentence is irrelevant as you already described Robert before] We kept dancing to the music of the gentle orchestra. I looked into Robert’s eyes, he looked into mine. We had a bond that you couldn’t separate. I suppose we shared love. The orchestra stopped playing, and he gently whispered in my ear.

“Clarissa, you are the most wonderful person I have ever met. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” His words echoed in my ears. Again he looked into my eyes, and leaned in to kiss me. Instead of kissing him, I took his hand and led him to the backyard gardens.

“Robert, we must talk.” I solemnly replied. A slight worry came upon Robert’s face as I muttered those words. “I am not ready.” The smile dropped from his mouth.

“If you are not ready, then I will wait, I suppose.” He muttered. I could tell he was hurt. “When will you be ready?”

“I will be ready when I am ready. Just not now, Robert…” I awkwardly looked away.

“Clarissa, I love you. I could never be away from you.” He silently turned my head towards him, and again leaned in to kiss me. His smooth lips touched mine, but only for a matter of seconds before he pulled away. He smiled at me, a very sweet smile.

I was truly not ready for a marriage of any sort. I was 18 years old, and independent. I did not know for sure if I truly loved Robert back. I had the slightest feeling that I did not know what love really was. I felt like I was still a child. It would be a while before I wanted to start a family of my own.
[This is kind of confusing. Clarissa said they shared love, and now she says she doesn't know if she loves him. Make that a little clearer]

“You have been a great friend to me.” I gently whispered with the wind. His face brightened at the words. “But I do not feel ready to be married.”

“I will wait for you.” He replied, “Whatever you choose, I will encourage it.” I grinned. Robert had always followed my best interests. He would be a very good husband… and father.

“We had better be going, Clarissa.” He said as he gently guided me towards the ballroom door. We came out again at the front door, and a carriage was awaiting our return. Robert opened the door for me, and I stepped inside. The drive home was almost silent, we talked a tiny bit. We waved our goodbyes as I came into my familiar household. I had a very wonderful family; they all loved me dearly, as I loved them.

“Hello, Mother.” I said as I came inside.

“Welcome home, Clarissa. Did you have a splendid time?” She replied

“Why, yes I did. I danced with Robert.” I smiled as I said his name.

“Robert is a fine young gentleman. He would be fit for you to marry him.” She replied, also with a smile.

“Yes, but I do not know if I am ready to be married, Mother.” I said.

“You are growing older, my dear Clarissa. You are no longer a child.” She replied, with an enthusiastic grin.

“I know, but I still feel as if I am a child.” I replied, sighing. “It feels as if there is an adventure waiting to happen…”

“That adventure may be your marriage.” She gestured towards the door.

“I don’t know…” I sighed again. I soon saw my little brother, Edward, coming towards me.

“Oh Clarissa, I missed you so!” He shouted as he jumped into my arms. Edward was 4 years old, and talkative. He had my hair color, but my father’s brown eyes. [This is sentenced a little awkwardly. Saying "he had my hair color" sounds more like something a mother would say, so maybe you'd want to just say that he has inherited the same hair color like Clarissa did]

“I missed you as well, my little brother!” I said as I hugged his little fragile body.

“Mother says I must go to bed, but I do not wish to go to bed.” He told me as he glared at Mother.

“You should do what Mother says, dear Edward.” I grinned at him as he folded his arms stubbornly.

“Mother, I am not going to bed!” Edward said as he laid a frown on his face.

“Please, Edward, it’s time for little boys to be in bed.” My mother told him, and Edward sighed. I had an idea.

I said, “Edward, I am going to chase you to your bedroom! If I win, you have to give me three of your toys.” I smiled knowingly; I knew that I would let him win. A look of shock came across his little face and he ran to his room with the speed of light. My mother and I giggled.

“Well, Mother, I’m off to bed.” I said as I yawned.

“Goodnight, my darling.” She replied as I walked towards my room. I came into my bedroom, and gently placed my ball gown into my dresser. I pulled my sleeping gown on, and huddled in my warm bed. I thought about my past, as I tried to fall asleep.

Robert and I had been friends as long as I could remember. We used to play together, and we became very good friends. As we grew older, we began to fall in love with each other [Again, you say they are in love, yet Clarissa once said she isn't really in love with Robert!]. We went to parties together, and danced the long night away. Both of our families were [because I assume they still are wealthy?] pretty wealthy, and we had all the little delicacies of life. Robert had been taught in fine schools, and I had been educated to be a homemaker. We were perfect for each other. But something felt wrong, like we weren’t meant to be. It almost felt like there was a different person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. [Explain this a little further. How does she "know" that, or what exactly makes her think that?]

I soon drifted off into a deep sleep. I had a horrible dream that night; a dream of me being an old, and rather overweight, lady. In that dream, I was chasing hundreds of little children all over the house with a cane in my hand. Then Robert entered the dream. He was also old and overweight. He would not help me catch the children; he sat in a corner drinking wine. I woke up with sweat trickling down my back. That was the most horrid dream I had ever had. Is this how my future would end up? I quickly sat up and wiped the sweat from my brow. My maid entered the room with her normally happy attitude.

“Hello, Miss Clarissa.” She said as she got my dress ready.

“Hello, Danielle.” I said as I got out of bed. Danielle came and folded my bed.

“Your clothes are ready, Miss.” She said as she gestured towards my drawers. I got my clothing, and put the fabric on. I always wore very fashionable clothes. There was a knock at the door. My maid answered it for me.

“Miss Clarissa, its Robert.” Danielle said.

“Let him in.” I muttered. Danielle opened the door, and Robert ran to me. I hugged him, and he kissed me on the cheek.

“Clarissa, I must tell you something.” He said, the grin disappearing.

“Yes, Robert?” I replied, a vacant expression on my face.

“I have been drafted into the war…” He looked down.

“Robert, you are leaving me?” I looked shocked.

“I must go and protect my country. I will be safe, I promise you.” He replied, but he didn’t look so sure. I felt the tears swelling up in my eyes.

“Well, if you must.” I said, trying to hold back the tears.

“Oh, my dear Clarissa, don’t cry.” He pulled me closer to him, and I let the tears fall on his suit.

“Whe—when… are you…… leaving?” I asked as I cried helplessly.

“I am leaving tomorrow, Clarissa. But do not fret. You will always be in my heart.” He said as he tried to comfort me.

“You will always be in my heart.” I replied, swiping the tears from my face.


“Oh, how I love you so much, my dear Clarissa. But I must go pack.” He regretfully said as he left my room. “Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.” I replied, holding back the tears. He exited the room, and I collapsed on my bed. I went through the day, depressed, trying to hold back the tears. I tried to look happy, but I could not. Robert would be gone, and he would possibly never come back.

The next day came by fast, and I regretted saying goodbye to Robert*. I came downstairs as he knocked on the door.
*This is not clear. Do you mean she regrets that she already said her goodbyes to Robert the day before, or that she has to say goodbye on this day?]

“Clarissa, follow me. I want to give you something of mine.” He smiled as he led me towards the garden. We sat on a little bench that was decorated to match the garden.

“Now, close your eyes, and hold out your hands.” He said. He gently placed an object in my hands. Then he dove in for a kiss. Before I could protest, his lips were on mine. My eyes were still shut, and I felt his lips passionately kiss mine. I kissed him back, matching his passion. I could feel his cool - I think this is a contrast. How can a breath really be cool? I think especially while kissing, it's more like hot or heated, don't you? ;)] breath blow gently across my skin. I felt his strong hands move up my neck, and I lightly weaved his gold hair in my fingers. I felt how much he cared for me, how much he truly loved me. After a long while, he gently pulled away. I looked at the object in my hand. It was a rose.

“I love you, Clarissa. I want you to keep this rose, even when it wilts. It will remind you of me, when I cannot be with you.” He said with a true heart.

“Thank you so much, my dear Robert. I will keep your rose, until my death.” I replied, with the feeling of love lingering about.

“Bye, my darling Clarissa.” Robert called as he left.

“Bye, Robert.” I gently waved my hand.

The next few days were rather grim; I silently practiced my studies, and took a long time at everything. I looked forward to the next social occasion so I wouldn’t be bored out of my mind. At times, I gazed at the red rose that Robert had left me. I had the rose in a special case, turned upside down so it would wilt and then last forever. This was my special opportunity to be alone for a while, to see how life would be without Robert, to see if my love was indeed true.



Overall impression
I thought this was really good. You did a very good job describing her feelings and barely made any mistakes, except for some structural ones.
Make sure that you don't put a comma after every "but" - I think it only goes before, but I'm not really sure myself, as English is not my native language ;)

Also, clarify her feelings! Twice or so, she says that she's in love with him, but then you write that she isn't sure about her feelings. It gets confusing when you write something and then a totally different thing later.

*thumbs up* I liked it a lot, and I think you have a great writing style! ;)
PM me if you have any questions concerning my review, and when you post something new :D

Keep it up!
MySunshine
♥And if you go, I wanna go with you. And if you die, I wanna die with you♥




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Negative:
The language, at times, seemed very awkward and tense. They were very formal all the time and it got kind of annoying after a while. At times the piece was very confusing and I didn’t know what was going on. And at other times you fell away from the elegance of the wording. The characters seemed a little bland. Robert and Clarissa only went back and forth calling each other darling and saying how much they love each other. Also, they both seemed a tad bit immature for their age. Clarissa seemed very fickle with her feelings, because in the beginning it states that she is not sure how she feels about Robert, but at the end she goes on and on about how much she loves him.

And also, usually dialogue, when it has a tag on the end, like, “Bye, my darling Clarissa,” Robert called as he left” has a comma after Clarissa, instead of a period. Do you get what I mean? Periods at the end seem to make everything seem choppy. In my opinion, commas make dialogue phrasing with tags seem more consonant.

Positive:
There were no major grammatical mistakes and the story line was good. Your phrasing was mostly smooth, with the exception of the few ones I made suggestions on.
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Hi sparrowrules! Lovely to meet you, I'm Lauren.

I'm glad this is only a first draft, for two reasons:
1) It is just glittering with potential and loveliness.
2) It needs a lot of work.
So, I'm not going to say this was all too brilliant. It needs expanding, it needs more dedication and consideration. I'm getting the impression it did not receive much planning, and was written very quickly? The gist of the problem is, it read too much like an account--like, in truth, an oral description of something that happened at one point in Clarissa's life. I could not feel the events unfurling around me, nor sense their feelings or the sounds etc. Everything piece of knowledge I gained from this was what Clarissa's told me. And she told me flatly, allowing no imagination (which is fun, y'know) on my part. I'll give you an example:
We were at a very extravagant party. It was being hosted at The Jerne manor.

Do you see what I mean? They were at a party, at Jerne manor, and it was extravagant. You weren't very extravagant, when it came to imagery. IMO, it would have been better if you'd began the story with a little description of the party, the setting, the sounds and the people in attendance. But if you do take this advice, remember to maintain this throughout. I'm sure, in your head, you can picture the whole thing fantastically, but we readers can only read the words and not your brain. ;)

Despite this, please don't be put off from continuing this. You said yourself, it's a first-draft. You may improve it to your heart's content.

General nit-picks

I turned around, and Robert was right behind me.


“Do you wish to dance, Clarissa?” [s]Robert[/s] he questioned me.


“Thank you, Robert. You look quite handsome as well.comma” I replied.
(This is a grammatical error you maintain throughout)

“Bye, my darling Clarissa.”
From the dialogue, I'm guessing this is not set in modern times. To fit with the rest of your dialogue, I would change this to 'goodbye'.

In brief
+ Nice idea, has much potential
+ Bulk it out a bit more
+ Be more adventurous with imagery
+ Sort out grammar
+ Try not to show many days within one scene. Confusing!
+ Avoid getting too frilly with the dialogue!

Good luck, merry writing x



I can factcheck ur flashback outfits
— SirenCymbaline