Shepherd's Lamb- chapter 1 Part 1

Chapter 1
Cryptic neighbor

We encounter a diluted lamb,
Who has just moved to a new town
Where she’ll meet the shepherded



You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward.

James Thurber






It was on a Sunday that little Cassy arrived at her stepmother’s house. It was a perfect day for her to be there. She despised Sundays with a passion. Since Sundays meant church day. It wasn’t that she hated being Christian it was that she felt awkward waking up so early just to have a stranger shout at you from a book about how you should live your life, and how if you don’t than you will have an endless punishment in a place called Hell. Cassy didn’t understand; if God was all forgiving than why did he send people to hell? She would pander at the thought, but not for very long. Since she would always shrug it off.

She was moving in with her stepmother Limy, a wonderfully peaceful and compassionate woman with long curly blond hair, and a body that would make a super model envious. Cassy’s father had a job that would make them move a lot, so in order to make her happy he sent her to live with his second wife, Cassy’s stepmother. Now Cassy would spend the next few years living with a woman her father divorced in an unfamiliar town. A small black compact car pulled towards the curb besides a small house. Cassy was inside of the car, and she glanced at her knew home. It was a small house, but seemed nice. Since it was a cute little yellow house with a dark brown door. The lawn had green grass and flowerbeds decorated with different types of colorful plants. At least she wasn’t going to live in a disgusting house. Cassy opened the car door and walked up the path towards the door where Limy waited. She was wearing a small grin on her face; at least she was trying to be welcoming. “Hi Cassy. All your stuff is in your room.”

Cassy nodded. Compared to Limy, Cassy looked like a rather boring person. The girl was just short, and skinny. She had short bobby black hair; her bangs were angled to the left so that her ‘good’ side of her face always showed. Her eyes were a soft bright apple green. Her face was filled with a strange brightness that made people feel happy. Unfortunately Cassy was flat chested, even though she had hit puberty, nothing. She felt somewhat awarded standing besides Limy. She hadn’t seen her in such a long time.
Cassy sighed. “Thanks Limy.”

She walked inside, trying her best not to slouch. The only thing that allowed her to survive that disgusting day was the fact that she didn’t have church. Since Limy wasn’t the religious type. That meant Cassy wouldn’t have to worry about being yelled at by some man. Her stepmother, who was going to show her new room, followed her. “Just down the hall and in that door.” Limy pointed to a closed door located at the end of the hall.
Cassy listened and opened the door. The first thing she noticed was the sight of the annoyingly bright lime green walls. “I hope you like your room.” Limy said with a small grin, but after that she quickly left the room.
Cassy didn’t say anything. The last time Limy had lived with Cassy was around five years ago, and back then Cassy was infatuated with lime green; however today was another story. In fact, she hated the very thought of lime green. It reminded her of being sick, which for her was very often. Cassy gently pushed the door behind her. Slowly, she walked to her new bed. A small twin bed with bright pink blankets, and an annoying white pillow on top. She noticed a small envelope with her name written on it. Grabbing it she squeezed it. She wanted to tear it into little pieces, but something stopped her hands. Cassy knew the letter was from her father, but she couldn’t read it. At this point she was completely filled with blind rage. Quickly she shoved it into her dresser drawer. That small envelope would ruin her fake smile just by looking at it. Cassy was trying her best to pretend to be happy, and that piece of paper would destroy her act. A knock at the door made her jump.
“Yes?” She asked trying to relax.

The door slowly opened and Limy poked her head into the room making Cassy roll her eyes. “I hope you don’t mind, but I am having company over for dinner tonight. A friend of mine I want you to meet him.”
Cassy gave a slight nod and an empty grin. “Sure. I don’t mind.”
“Great!” Limy shouted in relief.

She quickly dashed out of the room filled with excitement. Cassy felt slightly disgusted. She hated when adults acted childish, and she knew that pretending to be happy with Limy was going to be most difficult. Truth be told, Cassy didn't want to see Limy’s friend, and most of all she didn’t want anything to do with anyone here. Right now, that girl hated everyone in her life, especially her resenting father.

Hello. =)

It happens all around us.

I think this could be stronger by saying that it happens to us all, or maybe even: "You're going to die." It draws us in by the sudden revelation, if you want to call it that.

Having a steady way that takes, it is parallel with life.

Having a steady way that takes? What does that mean? Takes what? Don't tell us everything but it's nice to not have to read into each line trying to decipher a message.

sexist, it is equal to all

That comma just be a semicolon, because the latter sentence is a consequence of the first and you have two different, independent clauses stuck together. Either that or put in a conjunction (and, but, so...).

and a man bursting her bubble.

Cliché alert! I might excuse it here, since it's perhaps a little humorous but I don't know. You decide.

How does a person react towards death? As for 15-year old Cassy Daniels, her remedy is to utterly and completely ignore the fact that death exists. Here is the story of an innocent girl living in a diluted fantasy, and a man bursting her bubble.

If I'm honest, I don't think any of this is necessary. I hate stories where we have "In this story you will find..." or "Here is the tale of..." because it's dull. Just throw us in! Don't introduce the world to us in its finest details because we care about the story and it's how we are interested. See, I don't care about a girl facing death, but I do care about what happens, the effects, the emotions. You're telling us what you're about to write--in other words, you're not even just telling,but you're about you show it anyway. So do that. Through the emotions we'll see she's facing death and we won't be searching for it, because it'll come to us, and it might be create more of a shocking atmosphere.

Put it this way: would you rather be told that something dramatic should be coming up or there, or see yourself already enrolled in it?

christen it was

="Christian"

called hell.

Capitalise the "Hell" because it's a place that you're referring to.

“Yes?” She asked.

Lower-case the "she". This might just be a silly mistake, but in case you're not sure about all the different rules, check out this page by our wonderful Snoink:

http://www.snoink.com/kn/writing/mechanics/1.php

Okies, nit-picking done.

The thing is, I don't like this much. It's not poorly written as that I'm just not drawn in; you introduce us to the whole "Death is like this..." and so I'm expecting something serious and weird. But instead, everything's just so rosy and friendly; there's not much for me to relate to. Well, there are things you have here that could offer some other emotions to the piece (the letter--show us the anger and irritation), and to be honest, I'd rather have more of that in the first chapter than a constant description of every person we see.

Apologies if I'm being harsh, but I thought I might share some suggestions with you. For example, the entire chapter here is still just introducing everything and if you take a step back, and look, you might see that not a lot is going on. She gets out of a car and goes inside and puts a letter in her draw. That's it. I might like to be thrown into the choice--perhaps you could start in the part where they're at the dinner table with the guy you mentioned, and then we hear everything we need. That way, there'll be more dialogue and we can get some true thoughts going on. If that's the path this will be taking, I recommend that option.

In terms of grammar--well, I've pointed out the errors I saw at a first read, but one thing I noticed was that you use "Cassy" a lot. Often, we'll know who you're referring to and a simple pronoun will suffice. It keeps the flow nice and quick and we don't need to keep stopping.

Alright, there's not a lot more for me to say. That was well-written in terms of sentence structure, but be sure to proofread, and I hope I've helped somewhat!

Best
Blinky

Sigh... I knew something was wrong. I just needed someone to tell me. Thank you, I am glad I got the truth. Cause I didn't really like this. Now I have PROOF! no friends saying "Its perfect!"
Thanks. I am going to rewrite most of this, wish me luck ^_^

Hey, I'm very happy that you wrote more . I'll get right to the review.

"glanced at her knew home."

I think you meant to say "new home"

"Her stepmother, who was going to show her new room, followed her. “Just down the hall and in that door.” Limy pointed to a closed door located at the end of the hall."

I think you should rephrase this, it sounded really weird. Maybe have Limy leading Cassy to her room.

Overall, this is good... Keep Up the Good Work!

W00T! I am glad you like it ^_^