i'm still afraid of you - Second Edition

this poem is unconventional. it's like nothing i've ever written. it's crazy and personifies love in a horrific way. i hope you like it, but understand if you don't.


REVISED!!!8)

i'm still afraid of you

by kisba


I wanted to sleep...
But you were somewhere in between the lines of my psyche,
waiting for me.
I didn’t know that. I didn’t see you.
I didn’t know.

You waste no time.
You ripped my heart out through my chest—I cried,
“This is hurting me!” But you weren’t listening.
You thought I was the one, that I was only hurting myself.
I left my heart in your hands,
and it just kept beating.
This is how it was.


Eventually you got used to it.
Eventually i got over it.


Day after day your fingers...
These greasy, unrelenting fingers--They would push on my heart.

I was so scared and so tense,
but I knew that if I was gonna let someone have my heart it had to be you.
I do not know if anyone else needed it.
You don't.
But who are YOU? But who are you!

....I said, "Be careful. This keeps my body working. Be careful. this keeps my blood pumping."
You said you wanted to take it and show your friends.


pressure

I asked "Can i have yours too?" and

you said, "No, but i can squeeze harder if you like".
You were putting all of you strength into me:
I didn't need effort poured into my murder.

It hurt so bad sometimes,
but you said it was right,
so I let you hold on,
and you kept

coming

CLOSER


I remember I was shivering,
and I couldn't even speak.
and I couldn't even see, cause of the tears
glazing over my eyes.
I knew it was going to puncture...
But you said it was my fault.
you said i didn't trust you said i didn't try you said i didn't take my time...

There were some last, flickering moments of life in my nearly dead body.
They were not important
because they were just images of you.
Standing over me with a disembodied heart,
which couldn't possibly have been mine:

No it didn't belong to me. It hurt sometimes.

Eventually you got used to it.
Eventually I got over it.

Hey Kisba! I'm here to review this.
You're right, this is very unconventional. Poetry can bend the rules, though, right?
To be honest, though, there is a point where poetry crosses the line and becomes fiction, and I think this piece has crossed it. I think it would work if you wanted to make it into fiction, or if you wanted to keep it a poem, perhaps some shortening and reformatting would be in order - eg, more line breaks. Either way is fine, but it would be good for you to really think about what you want to do with it.

Secondly, grammar. As I said before, poetry can bend the rules, and one of those rules is grammar. But fiction cannot, cannot, cannot break grammar rules. And noncapitalization hardly ever works in poetry anyway, so I think you should definitely capitalize this whole thing, dear.

Okay! I'm done with the structure-y stuff, so now onto the actual content. I love this concept; taking an overused metaphor and making it real. It's good. Very good. You obviously have a way with words and talent in that head!

But, again, this does need reformatting (either in poetry or fiction) and capitalization, and until that happens I'm hesitant to critique the actual words.

Good work - just polish it up, and I'll be looking forward to finished, or revised, at least, project!

-Mars