Lethal Love Games

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(Something I randomly wrote. Possibly one of the dirtiest things I have ever wrote. I'm not usually this dirty, but hey, a girl has her days!) :wink:

Lexii’s stylists checked her makeup, her hair, her clothes – lack of clothes would’ve been more appropriate; the sunshine yellow Victoria Secret lace bra-and-booty-hugger-undies she was sporting barely left the imagination hanging. Lexii’s dark brown hair poured down her shoulders in waves, framing her delicate face perfectly. Her eyes were a smokey gray to match the flower pattern on her ‘outfit’ and her lips were plumped bright pink. Her mocha coloured skin was flawless; not a blemish in sight.
“Give it up for our last model of the night, Lexii!”
The announcer’s voice echoed in Lexii’s ear. She was always the last strut of the night. She always finished the fashion show with a bang, even better than Gisele Bündchen. She breezed past the velvet curtains smugly, her foot steps in rhythm with the beat of Lady Gaga’s “Love Games”.
Cameras flashed as she strutted down the catwalk. The lighting made her incredibly perfect body look…well, perfect. Overall, she looked like an angel in six-inch tall stilettos and lingerie. Her face glowed.
Lexii paced herself to the timing her boss instructed her to do. She reached the end of the platform right as Lady Gaga’s voice rang through the speakers.
“I can see you staring there from across the block, with a smile on your mouth and your hand on you c(huh)!”
She winked, flashed a mischievous grin, and pirouetted back towards the curtains. Everybody wanted Lexii. Girls wanted her body, and guys wanted her period. Her heels came down hard, making it look like she was bouncing with every step. She finally reached the curtains.
“Brilliant, Lexii. Simply marvellous,” her boss, Raphael, raved. He rolled our marvellous so it sounded like ‘maaaaaaaarvellous’. He offered her a parting grin before squaring his shoulders and walking out onto the runway himself.
Lexii didn’t want to wash her make-up off or change just yet; it took hours to put together, why not over-indulge a little? The after party was already in full swing, and all the other models stayed in costume, so why not? She snuck by all the bustling stylists into the other room.
The smoke coming from the fog machine was intoxicating. Flashing lights made the room come alive, casting the silhouettes of the crowd in reds, greens, and blues. People swayed and grinded their bodies together to the tempo of the music that thumped from the speakers.
“Tight jeans, double d's makin' me go (whistle).”
Lexii’s eardrums pulsated almost painfully.
She was distracted by a tall man with muscular arms and what seemed like chiselled abs. He looked about twenty-three; Lexii was only nineteen, a young model, but she preferred older men. His hair was light brown, almost caramel, and arranged in tiny spikes. His hazel eyes looked sexy under a set of the thickest eyelashes she had ever seen on a man. His jaw was hard and angular with freshly shaved stubble. She sauntered over to introduce herself.
“Hey,” she purred into his ear, curving her body dangerously close to the man. “I’m Lexii.”
He turned to stare at her and grinned mysteriously. “I know. I’m Luke.”
“Lexii and Luke,” she mused. “I like the sound of that.”
Luke put his arms around her waist so Lexii snaked her arms around his neck. “Good. Let’s make it official then.”
Luke’s full lips came onto Lexii’s at full force. She raked her fingers through his amazingly soft hair and pulled him closer to deepen the kiss. Their lips parted and tongues met, rolling over each other like they couldn’t get each other fast enough.
His hands explored the contours of her back and found their way to her bra strap. She removed her hands from his hair and placed it over his, sliding it very carefully and slowly. She finally brought it up over her left breast, and a husky moan came from Luke’s throat.
Lexii removed her lips and put them at his ear. “You should see my room. It’s a castle.”
Luke cocked a brow and grinned. “Oh really?”
“I get to keep all my other outfits,” she said, hoping he got the undercurrent.
He did.
“I liked when you dressed up as the angel of death,” he said, a strange glimmer in his eye. Was it the lights playing tricks? Lexii couldn’t tell. “I’m quite a fan of the Grim Reaper.”
Lexii found that remark bizarre, but she wasn’t up to finding someone else to drag back to her room. “Your wish is my command.”
She grabbed his wrist and tugged him down the hall. They followed it down to the room with a glittering silver star labelled ‘Lexii Smith’. She unlocked her door and allowed Luke in before kicking it shut with her heel. She shoved Luke on the couch and started unbuckling his pants.
What she didn’t realize was that the lump in Luke’s back pocket wasn’t a condom; it was a knife.
The End.




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That was very interesting, but what I would like to know is why did he want to kill her? Also I think you need to give the reader a little bit more to work with, like more in-depth character descriptions and such. Your description in the beginning was very detailed, so nice job. Overall, I didn't find any major errors. I would have liked more information and more of answering my question of why this man wanted to kill her, but suspense is good also. :)
Last edited by SeleneForeverDream on Mon Feb 23, 2009 9:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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You judge others upon their actions, but you judge yourself by your intention.




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That was very interesting, but what I would like to know is why did he want to kill her? Also I think you need to give the reader a little bit more to work with, like more in-depth character descriptions and such. Your description in the beginning
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You judge others upon their actions, but you judge yourself by your intention.




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Hey!

This was...interesting! In a good way. Kind of creepy, kind of disturbing, but well-written. I do have a few suggestions.

First of all, your description of Lexii is a little bit...blah. I like how you started, with the stylists checking her and then describing her outfit, but I didn't like how you just threw in the description of her hair and make up. It needs to be more a part of a story! Readers don't really want the description, but the action, so one must mix both in so they don't even know they're getting it. Does that make sense?

To sum up: try and integrate her description in with her actions.

(Luke's description was like this as well, but it's fine because we're seeing things through Lexii's eyes, and she was noticing his whole appearance. ;-))

He rolled our marvellous
Typo. You mean 'out', right? xD

“Tight jeans, double d's makin' me go (whistle).”
Since the double Ds are a bra size (right?) the D should be capitalized.

The second to last paragraph is very she did this. She did that. and a bit annoying to read. Try and mix it up a little, you could integrate some description of her room, or have him do something, just to vary the sentences.

I love the ending. It's creepy, and it leaves just enough to the imagination (unlike Lexii's outfit). I can imagine him as this obsessed fan...though I'm not sure one could mistake a condom for a knife. Well, a small knife would be okay, though you might not be able to kill one with that. Unless Luke was creative. Anyway, it's good. ;-)

PM me if you have questions or anything!
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


critiques // nano




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That's just painful keeping the reader on pins and needles waiting to see what comes next. See that's what happens when you through yourself at a complete stranger. Which I'm guess she hasn't met or at least been formally introduced to this Luke fellow.

You need to let us know how this ends! I'm guess she either is killed or someone comes in and beats the crap out of him. I don't know which one would be best not to sound mean but either would make story more enticing. And you should keep adding to this make it a series. Seems to have some potential.

Look forward to If you make and revisions.
And yes more description and a bit more of her personality might better suit it.
- Fear not for I will be there to hold you when the darkness comes.




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Absolutely enthralling. I loved it. I love the last line the way that it pulls the reader in.
What she didn’t realize was that the lump in Luke’s back pocket wasn’t a condom; it was a knife
I like this but it is too much. The gist of it is good but I don't like the 'what' part of it. It makes it sound like it is a question. what if you just said 'the lump that she felt in his back pocket wan't a condemn, it was a knife.' This would suspend the reader until the last word, like you did, but also keep them wanting to know more. I really loved the part about he just latched onto her, and decided that she was his target. but how did he know her name? I also think that you need to do a little explaining with the grim reaper thing. Or are we not supposed to get that? It just threw a weird twist in the whole sexy scene. keep going with this I really like it. PM me when you put out the next part.
Our greatest fear is not that we are inadaquate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that scares us.




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Sorry!
I was trying to get it all down quickly, so it got a little bland at the end. Sometimes I get caught up in my own stories and can't get them down fast enough for my mind's taste. :}

For Luke, I tried to make him like a creepy-stalker-fan:

“I know." - Hint #1: he already knows about her.
“I liked when you dressed up as the angel of death.” - Hint #2: he knows her past appearances.
“I’m quite a fan of the Grim Reaper.” - Hint #3: He's not too sane in the membrane. xD



A person is more than their experiences, stacked up like stones... Our best moments are the foundations we use to reach for the sky.
— Yumi and the Nightmare Painter by Brandon Sanderson