chapter 1 of my story i put in the prologue befor (edited)

Chapter 1
I slowly came back to reality as I read the date on the letter. Monday October 3rd, that was today!
“We need to go to the old warehouse, immediately,” I told Jeff who was still standing in exactly the same place as he had upon entering the room. He slowly turned his head and looked at me his face showing confusion and surprise.
“Why-y? Why would this happen again.” He stammered but, I cut him off quickly ordering him to snap out of it and to pull the car out of the garage. “Fine.” Jeff said sharply and stalked out of the room, clearly annoyed with my demand. I could understand that under normal circumstances when a bomb like this has been dropped many parents go into shock. But we had no time for that, and it helped we had been through somthing like this before. We needed to find and help Anna. The ride was stiff and silent. We were both stricken with nerves, and not really in the mood to chat.
I looked out onto the beach and smiled. There was my little girl, Anna, all grown up now I suppose. She saw me staring waved and shouted hello. Then she turned back to her group of friends apparently enthralled in the conversation. She was 16 now and I could so easily remember when she was only a toddler pudgy, small, and adorable.
As I climbed out of the car I remembered that day it was just last week, and I had thought Anna was the happiest girl on the planet. I was clearly wrong. I sprinted up to the large, metal door leading into what seemed to be a terrible scene. I paused before I burst in to that old warehouse and recalled the first time Jeff, Anna, Tim (my son), I had been there.
My family and I had been walking to the car when Tim, just took off running into the small woodsy area. I could understand why, I mean he was only three and had been walking for what, 10 minutes?
Anna screamed “TIM! IM GONNA GET YOU!!!,” and ran off after him. “Anna, come back here,” Jeff said as he jogged off to get our screaming children. I smiled as I walked towards all the chaos. When I finally reached them, they were standing in front of what looked like a small, old, forgotten, warehouse. “Well, well what did we find here?” I asked Tim who was standing there bug-eyed and excited. Jeff smashed open the rusted padlock that had locked the door. We cautiously went inside and slowly began to look around. This place was old with a capitol O. I mean there was a good inch of dust covering everything. No matter what you touched you got a cloud of dust and a good cough. Jeff called me over after finding a red and blue quilt. We spread it out on the middle of the floor and watched as our children ran around, coughing, and exploring. I leaned back onto Jeff’s chest and closed my eyes, happy.
I smiled at the memory and opened the door. I stumbled backwards in shock. Jeff ran in to find me hyperventilating, and Anna. His eyes widened and he pulled out his phone and called 911. “Yes, it’s my daughter, sh-she-she’s in an old warehouse off 34th, yes, that’s the place. We need an ambulance immediately. “His voice died out as he jogged to her trying to untie the knot. I stared at I saw Anna swinging from the rafters, a noose around her neck.

To begin with, let me say that I don't do spelling and grammar stuff. That isn't what writing is about, so I'll skip ahead to the important stuff, which is this:

Your story is too... mechanical. Yes, I think that's the right word. I went back and read the prologue (which, by the way, you should probably just make a part of chapter one, or else make this a part of the prologue) and throughout both pieces you have problems with the stream of consciousness of the main character. There's no right or wrong way to do, but the way you did it was too rehearsed. When I say that, I mean it reads like a bad actor performing badly-written dialogue. You condense feelings of urgency, shock, horror, misery and all manner of other things that would come with the news of a daughter's suicide into a few plastic words. A good example is this:

I could understand that under normal circumstances when a bomb like this has been dropped many parents go into shock. But we had no time for that, we needed to find and help Anna. The ride was stiff and silent. We were both stricken with nerves, and not really in the mood to chat.

I've actually just realized that there are two problems here. The first is that most readers would not find this a believable thought process for a mother who just got this news. It's too ordered and devoid of any franticness, which is what I would expect from such a character. I think you're focusing too much on what is going on and not on what you want to say or how you want to say it. I can't presume to know what the thought process would be here, or how I would go about writing a scene like this, but I can assure you that there are better ways to do it than this.

The second problem is basically what I said before. The best advice I ever got about writing came from a very unlikely source: the Robot Devil from Futurama. "You can't just have your characters announce how they feel. That makes me feel angry!" And this is your biggest problem, particularly here:

“I can’t even begin to comprehend this.”

Once again, I imagine a bad actor reading this line as if from a script on the first day of rehearsals. But even then, no matter how you say it, it's very unbecoming of the gravity and solemnity of the situation. Sure, he probably can't comprehend it, but I don't think anyone would express their incomprehension in such a way. This is where the time-honoured practice of 'showing, rather than telling' will help you out immensely. Rather than telling us that Jeff can't comprehend what's happening, or that the ride in the car was "stiff and silent" you should describe the circumstances that make such feelings and moods come about, and let the reader make up their own mind about what is 'stiff' or 'silent'. It's a hard thing to master, and most writers will never be able to do it perfectly, and you run the risk of the reader not understanding what you're showing them, but if you can pull it off with some degree of success then your writing will improve immeasurably. I think there's a few articles about it in the Writing Tips forum, if you want more information.

Now, rather than depress you further with more of your story's shortcomings, I'd like to say that there was one thing I liked. The ending. The way it ends abruptly with the girl hanging from the noose. There's no grand sentiments or anything, just a girl on a noose. It's bleak and empty, and I'm not sure if that's what you were going for, but it works the way it is. There'll be time for all the emotion later on, since I assume there will be chapter two, so chapter one ends just the way it needs to. Of course, this is a very subjective thing, and you may disagree. I just like the way it is.

Anyway, that's all I really have to say. I don't review much lately, and I don't know why I picked your story to comment on, but I felt I had to say something. Probably because while this wasn't as good as it could be, it has potential. I know everyone always says that, but I think this really does. So keep writing and editing, and if you have any questions or need help you can PM me. I have a lot of spare time these days.

Keep it up.

-O

Hi , this is a very powerful storyline- I think you have managed it quite well. I read the prologue as well and I thought that was a good beginning, I like how you've continued with it.

I slowly came back to reality as I read the dates on the letters.

Are there more than one letters? I was under the impression it was just one so if that is the case I'd get rid of the s on the end of date and the s on the end of letter.

He slowly turned his head and looked at me his face portraying confusion and surprise.

There should be a comma after me. I'm not that sure about portraying- to me it doesn't fit well into this sentence. How about 'his face showing his confusion and surprise.'?

“I can’t even begin to comprehend this.” He said but, I cut him off quickly ordering him to snap out of it and to pull the car out of the garage.

I'd have a full stop after he said and I'm not sure about the next part as she's not really cutting him off as he's already completed his sentence. It might work better as something like 'I didn't allow him time to think, quickly ordering him to snap out of it and get the car out of the garage.'

But we had no time for that, we needed to find and help Anna.

I'd get rid of 'But' at the beginning here, I thin the sentence would work well without it.

I looked out onto the beach and smiled. There was my little girl, Anna, all grown up now I suppose. She saw me staring waved and shouted hello. Then she turned back to her group of friends apparently enthralled in the conversation. She was 16 now and I could so easily remember when she was only a toddler pudgy, small, and adorable.

I found all of this kind of confusing- I think you need to make it clear from the beginning that this is a memory or her imagining her daughter is there.
'She saw me staring waved and shouted hello.' Should be something like 'She saw me staring and waved, shouting hello.' I'd add a dash after toddler or a semi-colon.

As I climbed out of the car I remembered that day it was just last week, and I had thought Anna was the happiest girl on the planet.

You need to add 'like' after day and there needs to be a comma after car. I'd replace the comma after week with a full stop and start a new sentence with 'I had thought'.

I sprinted up to the large, metal door leading into what seemed to be a terrible scene. I paused before I burst in to that old warehouse and recalled the first time Jeff, Anna, Tim (my son), I had been there.

Instead of 'what seemed' I'd say something like 'What I dreaded would be'.
I'd change the second sentence a bit as it seems a bit awkward- 'I paused before I burst into the old warehouse, recalling the first time Jeff, Anna, my son Tim and I had been there.' might work better.

My family and I had been walking to the car when Tim, just took off running into the small woodsy area.

The comma here needs to be moved to after car.

“Anna, come back here,” Jeff said as he jogged off to get our screaming children.

I'd move this onto a new line as the person speaking has changed.

“Well, well what did we find here?” I asked Tim who was standing there bug-eyed and excited. Jeff smashed open the rusted padlock that had locked the door.

I think you need a comma after Tim and after there. (I'm not completely sure though as I'm not that great at punctuation so you might want to get someone else's advice too )
I'm not sure if smashed is the right word to use here- maybe broke would work better.

I smiled at the memory and opened the door.

I'd add in warehouse before door.

His eyes widened and he pulled out his phone and called 911. “Yes, it’s my daughter, sh-she-she’s in an old warehouse off 34th, yes, that’s the place. We need an ambulance immediately. “

I'd change the first sentence a little, maybe swapping 'and called' for 'quickly dialling' with a comma before it as otherwise the double use of and makes the sentence appear a bit clumsy to me. I'd start the speech on a new line too and the speech mark needs to go back a space (sorry I'm being very picky!)

His voice died out as he jogged to her trying to untie the knot. I stared at I saw Anna swinging from the rafters, a noose around her neck.

You need a comma before trying and the second sentence should be either 'I stared as I saw Anna swinging from the rafters, a noose around her neck.' or 'I stared at Anna swinging from the rafters, a noose around her neck.'

Overall: Really brilliant ending- this is a really good story line and I haven't seen anything like it before. I found the memories parts a little confusing, I think you should maybe space them out from the rest of the writing to make it clear what is in the past and what is in the present. I think you have managed to set the scene well , you may need to describe more on how the mother is feeling though.

I think there were a few misplaced comma's and I have pointed out a couple but may have missed some.

In later parts you may need to add more description as to how the characters look as that is not clear yet- and also more on Anna's personality. I really hope you continue with this as I would love to read more Most of these comments are just my opinion so ignore me if you want, hope I've helped!