Going Against the odds

They said it wouldn’t last long,
They said we are all wrong,
They said we would be over soon.

But if I couldn’t see your bright eyes,
Well baby I would just die!
Because I’m in love with you!

And I know you love me too.

We’re going against the odds,
who cares what they say!
We’ll do everything all wrong,
And rub it in their face!
We’re going against the odds,
We’ll prove all of them,
As long as I can kiss you again
I’ll go against the odds

Welcome to YWS.
I'll review your work (don't get mad about the honesty)..

hhrockstarz wrote:They said it wouldn’t last long,
They said we are all wrong,
They said we would be over soon. This is not a good idea. I mean..three verse stanza with that rhyme.

But if I couldn’t see your bright eyes,
Well baby I would just die!
Because I’m in love with you! In first stanza you made a rhyme and now nothing and you didn't connect this with the previous stanza.

[s]And I know you love me too.[/s] Definitely not. This just doesn't fit here. Maybe if you put it in some stanza you'll make something better than this.

We’re going against the odds,
who cares what they say!
We’ll do everything all wrong,
And rub it in their face! I would make a pause here and cut the stanza off.
We’re going against the odds,
We’ll prove all of them,
[s]we can laugh about and joke around[/s]
[s]Just [/s]as long as I can kiss you again
I’ll go against the odds

Your main problem is your structure. If you write in three verse stanzas, you don't change it constantly through the poem. You hurt your rhythm that way and the whole thing is doomed.
Even if your title and motive is innovative, if I were you, I would ask myself if this is good. Read it out loud and you'll see...

*Evi alert*

'Ello, Rockstarz dear, I'm Evi and I shall take a look at your lovely little poem today!

I do agree with the above review that you need to establish more of a concrete rhythym. You seem to have a pretty spontaneous rhyming scheme-- you rhyme here, but then you don't...but THERE! Another rhyme! See what I mean? Once we start to settle into a rhyming pattern, you change it on us.

Your meaning is very easy to relate to...almost too easy, if that makes sense. We can all relate to this situation, because it's so typical. It could be anybody's scenario. In a poem, you want to be able to make the scenario belong to you. You want to own your subject, and be able to draw your readers in because they've never read anything like it before.

Here, I'm not so sure if you achieve that,

However!

The best part, to me, was the part about rubbing it in their face. See? That's what we're looking for. Something original. Something quirky that we can smile at. THis poem's meaning is supposed to be inspirational --look at her, she's not letting them get to her! Go girl! She's in love! We want to e inspired to go against the odds, like you said. It's hard to be inspired when your rhyme and rhythym are all over the place.

So, I suggest putting it into stazas, first of all. Ten work on more consistant rhyming. I'd even add a bit more, to give it something extra. Hope this helped, and PM me if you need anything!

~Evi