Freeman Falls

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Chapter one of a romance i was heavily focused on last summer. The plot follows a boy who
has been starting to see many faults in our society as of late and decides to take a break from it all and live in the wild for a good while and find himself, much to the dismay of his beloved girlfriend. Let me know what you think :)

________________________________________________________________________


He gazed reverently atop the cracking shingles unto the united stars. They flew proud amongst each other with dignity, and pride. He longed to be out under them, their white lights paving the way on the endless prairies. Reluctantly he turned from the window towards his open suitcase.

Just a little longer

He had grown tired of triple checking every little item he planned on taking. But he recognized the importance. For he wouldn't be returning anytime soon.

Taking casual steps toward his bed he gently pushed on his temples. His headache was a hassle, to say the least. Probably from the lack of a much needed sleep. He had been staying up later than he would have liked, finalizing his plans. Sure, he had been sorting it all out for 3 months now, but before it seemed little short of a dream. Now, the night the school year eneded, he would leave in the cover of darkness, as soon as the clock struck midnight.

A weary yawn escaped his hard at thought mind. Had he everything he needed?

Unwilling to doubt his countless checks any more he zipped up the faded brown suitcase and set it beside the garbage bags in front of the white door.

Plopping on his bed, lending a glance to his blue numbered alarm clock, he noted the noise coming from the room above him. His single mother's. Sure he had been used to the sounds of passion since he could remember, but it still gave him an ironic shock each time the mattress lifted lightly off her rug'd floor and slammed back harder. The reason for the irony, he figured, was that his widowed mother was a Schoolteacher. A figure of dignity and authority to most all his peers. Angered at the site of two young lover's kissing on school grounds, yet let a perfect stranger between her legs every casual weekend.

Only human of course, he didn't blame her. But it was still degrading to be treated as though kids were the only ones who enjoyed "it" by adults, such as his mom, when they were all, in fact, human.

Glancing restlessly, yet again to the numbers on the clock, he noticed he had only another 30 minutes to wait.

His eyes, still facing the nigh table with the alarm clock, now focused on the unique smile of Tracey.

Although the picture of her didn't do her silvery blue eyed face any justice, he couldn't help but appreciate the genuineness with a small smile.

He thought often, when looking at pictures of Tracey, about how insincere and makeshift the smiles most girls wore in pictures were. James could usually recognize the fakes when he seen them, and Trace wasn't near. Her confident demeanor never seemed to give way and she could always flash the most witty, seductive, or knock dead gorgeous smile with every bit of her soul.

As he rolled from his right shoulder to his back he looked up at the plastic golden stars on his ceiling. He and his Dad has put them up when he was just a timid little boy. Countless, all shapes and sizes, mimicked the pristine sight awaiting him outside with a golden tinge.

When he was younger and afraid of the dark he would run screaming through the hall to his parents bedroom. He always thought the unrecognizable outlines of his clothes in the closet were ghosts at night. His caring parents would let him stay the night in their bed for a few months. But soon enough his Dad brought home the golden glowing stars. They gave out enough light to clarify the room.

He looked again to the clock.

12 minutes

Just then a pair of slender, jeaned legs gracefully came into sight from beyond the window and bent down. Trace, he thought with a grin. Her petite hands moved purposefully to tap on the glass as he leapt off the bed to let her in.

When he looked up and saw her playful smile he winked, barely being able to wait to hold her in his arms.

Their grins now wide like when they were kids spoke for the words unsaid. I'm so glad to see you

He lent out his sturdy arms for her as she came in, feet first, giggling innocently with the familiar thrill of sneaking through James' window. He didn't set her down, instead her pulled her into a deep kiss. This needed to last. She wouldn't be going with sadly. She raked through his thick, dark brown hair with her right, and over the ripples of his back with her left. she was graced by the lights of the night sky, being close to the window, and he, by the childlike glow from his ceiling.

Her thin body, however small, was causing a just amount of stress on his muscles. But he didn't care. The world was in his arms right now. and he would endure anything to simply hold her.

She was his. He was hers.

He shifted her weight slightly and moved his left hand under her her honey fall of hair to care for the base pf her neck. He massaged it ever so carefully as their lips locked and unlocked in experience. His right hand now on her behind, gave it a playful spank. She giggled away from his kiss.

"Missed you," James said politely. Simple as that.

"I didn't think our last one would last me long enough," she said with an innocent smile as she looked to the floor in sadness.

She wished she could go with him. See him smile, laugh, hug him everyday, outside of the pressures of
life. Just escape into their own world for once.

But alas, she cared deeply for her mother. She had been diagnosed with lung cancer months ago, and her days were numbered. Her father had died a few years back, and her brother had turned to drugs and violence long ago. She was the only one who visited her now. Held her hand. Sent her flowers, to remind her of the beauty of life.

"Someday I'll come back for you, I drew a map for you showing where I'm going to all be going"

"I know, I know." A tear slowly fell down her face.

"Awe. Sweetheart. There's no need to cry," He lifted her chin up to look her in the eyes, "Your so strong. I'm proud of you, you know. We all are."

She sniffled."Oh James, its going to be awful lonely without you."

"You know I'd stay. You have only to ask hun."

Fighting a tear she said, "No, don't even think about it. You've been planning this for three months now. This is important to you, to me. Ill Be with you someday soon."

In the silence he pulled his head back to get a better look of her dignified face. His eyes wandered, across her spotless forehead, wisping locks of rose scented hair, down to her vibrant eyes. They silvery blue reminded of an endless, perfect storm. His view fell to her small, lovely lips.

She was stunning.

He layed her down on the bed and cuddle close. He looked to the picture of her again.

"Remember when I took that picture of you Trace?"

"Always," she replied with a smile, "The first day you told me you loved me."

She turned around to face his deep brown eyes, and sank under his chin.

And as the moon fell upon their fathers graves, James' mother breathed a final breathe of passion, and Tracey's mother slept silently in a lonely hospital bed, the two lovers held each other tight.

This was the last night he would see her.

And he wasn't coming back.
Last edited by Jesse on Wed Feb 25, 2009 11:29 pm, edited 2 times in total.
To be a hero is not to be out of the ordinary, it is to be ordinarily remarkable.




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Hey Jesse! Just to warn you, I might have a lot of wording suggestions for you, which in no way means your story isn't good. Actually, what it means is that it's good enough for me to want it to get better. So that's awesome! Anyway, let's get started.

Jesse wrote:Chapter one of a romance i was heavily focused on last summer. The plot follows a boy who
has been starting to see many faults in our society as of late and decides to take a break from it all and live in the wild for a good while and find himself, much to the dismay of his beloved girlfriend. Let me know what you think :)

________________________________________________________________________


He gazed reverently atop the cracking shingles unto the united stars. I do like this, but I think you should put what he gazed at before what he was standing on. Like, he gazed at the whatever from atop the whatever. That would make the sentence a bit less awkward. They flew proud amongst each other with dignity, Ditch the comma. and pride. He longed to be out under them, their white lights paving the way on the endless prairies. Reluctantly he turned from the window towards his open suitcase. Nice paragraph, but is there any specific reason why I don't know his name yet? I'm not sure excessive pronouns add to the story.

Just a little longer.

He had grown tired of triple checking every little item he planned on taking. But he recognized the importance. [s]For[/s] He wouldn't be returning anytime soon. I got rid of the for because the sentence was incorrect - it should either be ...the importance, for he wouldn't... or the way I have it now. Personally, I think having two separate sentences sounds better, but it's up to you.

Taking casual what are casual steps? Do you mean like slow? Or careful? steps toward his bed, he gently pushed on his temples. His headache was a hassle, to say the least. Probably from the lack of a much needed sleep. He had been staying up later than he would have liked, finalizing his plans. Sure, he had been sorting it all out for 3 months now, but before it seemed little short of a dream. Now, the night the school year ended, he would leave in the cover of darkness, as soon as the clock struck midnight. The first part of this sentence is a little awkward - what about something like, Now that the school year had ended... or Once the school year had ended...

A weary yawn escaped his hard at thought [i]hard at thought is a weird phrase...
mind. Had he everything he needed?

Unwilling to doubt his countless checks any more, he zipped up the faded brown suitcase and set it beside the black garbage bags in front of the white door. There's like...an overload of color descriptions in this one sentence. Three. I suggest using, at most, two. I mean, do we really need to know what color the door is? Can we just assume the garbage bags are black, as most are? Descriptions are good, but one must make sure not to over - describe.

Plopping on his bed, [s]lending a glance to[/s] glancing at his blue numbered alarm clock, he noted the noise coming from the room above him. His single mother's. So, I get what you're trying to say, but it sounds a little odd, like that you're making sure that he only has one mother. Which, of course he does, biologically at least. Sure, he had been used to the sounds of passion since he could remember, but it still gave him an ironic shock each time the mattress lifted lightly off her rug[s]'d[/s] (or carpeted might work better here) floor and slammed back harder. The reason for the irony, he figured, was that his widowed* mother was a schoolteacher, a figure of dignity and authority to most all his peers. Angered at the site of two young lover's Ditch the apostrophe. kissing on school grounds, yet letting a perfect stranger between her legs every casual weekend.
*See? Widowed is a great way of putting it, and you don't need the single that I pointed out. I really like the last couple of sentences here, by the way.
Only human of course, he didn't blame her. But it was still degrading to be treated as though kids were the only ones who enjoyed "it" [s]by adults, such as his mom,[/s] when they were all, in fact, human. Nice sentiment, but this sentence is really awkward sounding.

Glancing restlessly, yet again to the numbers on the clock, he noticed he had only another 30 minutes to wait. I think noticed is the wrong word here. Since he's restlessly waiting, he wouldn't notice it, he'd be counting down every second, you know?

His eyes, still facing the night table [s]with the alarm clock,[/s] now focused on the unique smile of Tracey.

Although the picture of her didn't do her silvery blue eyes[s]d face[/s] any justice, he couldn't help but appreciate the genuineness Sincerity, I think, would work better here. Is genuineness a word...? with a small smile.

He thought often, when looking at pictures of Tracey, about how insincere and makeshift the smiles most girls wore in pictures were. James could usually recognize the fakes when he saw them, and Trace wasn't [s]near.[/s] even close. Her confident demeanor never seemed to give way and she could always flash the most witty, seductive, or knock dead gorgeous smile with every bit of her soul. Loooove this.

As he rolled from his right shoulder to his back he looked up at the plastic golden stars on his ceiling. He and his Dad has put them up when he was just a timid little boy. Countless [you need a noun here - stars? shapes?], all shapes and sizes, mimicked the pristine sight awaiting him outside with a golden tinge.

When he was younger and afraid of the dark he would run screaming through the hall to his parents' bedroom. He always thought the unrecognizable outlines of his clothes in the closet were ghosts at night. His caring parents would let him stay the night in their bed for a few months. But soon enough his Dad brought home the golden glowing stars. They gave out enough light to clarify the room.

He looked again to the clock.

12 minutes

Just then a pair of slender, jeaned Yuck, jeaned? That's definitely not a word. They could be like...legs encased in denim, even, just not, not, not jeaned. legs gracefully came into sight from beyond the window and bent down. Trace, he thought with a grin. Her petite hands [s]moved purposefully to[/s] tapped on the glass as he leapt off the bed to let her in.

When he looked up and saw her playful smile he winked, barely being able to wait to hold her in his arms.

Their grins now wide like when they were kids spoke for the words unsaid. I'm so glad to see you

He lent out his sturdy arms for her as she came in, feet first, giggling innocently with the familiar thrill of sneaking through James' window. He didn't set her down, instead he pulled her into a deep kiss. This needed to last. She wouldn't be going with him, sadly. She raked through his thick, dark brown hair with her right, and over the ripples of his back with the left. She was graced by the lights of the night sky, being close to the window, and he, by the childlike glow from his ceiling.

Her thin body, however small, Yuck, I hate the word however. What about Though small, her body...was causing a just amount of stress on his muscles. But he didn't care. The world was in his arms right now, and he would endure anything to simply hold her.

She was his. He was hers.

He shifted her weight slightly and moved his left hand under her her honey fall of hair to care for the base of her neck. He massaged it ever so carefully as their lips locked and unlocked in experience. His right hand now on her behind, gave it a playful spank. She giggled away from his kiss.

"Missed you," James said politely. Simple as that.

"I didn't think our last one would last me long enough," she said with an innocent smile, as she looked to the floor in sadness. Just my opinion - but I feel like it could be more effective if they kept their eyes focused on each other. After all, they won't be seeing each other for however long, so why would they look at anything else?

She wished she could go with him. See him smile, laugh, hug him everyday, outside of the pressures of (no new paragraph here)
life. [s]Just[/s] Escape into their own world for once.

But [s]alas,[/s] she cared deeply for her mother[s]. She[/s] who had been diagnosed with lung cancer months ago, and her days were numbered. Her father had died a few years back, and her brother had turned to drugs and violence long ago. She was the only one who visited her mother now. Held her hand. Sent her flowers, to remind her of the beauty of life. I changed this bit because since Tracey and her mother are both female, the pronouns get confusing, especially the first one - it isn't quite clear whether Tracey or the mother has cancer.

"Someday I'll come back for you. I drew a map for you showing where I'm going. [s]to all be going[/s]"

"I know, I know." A tear slowly fell down her face.

"Aw[s]e[/s]. Sweetheart. There's no need to cry." He lifted her chin up to look her in the eyes, "You're so strong. I'm proud of you, you know. We all are." Who is we?

She sniffled."Oh James, it[b]'
s going to be awful lonely without you."

"You know I'd stay. You have only to ask, hun."

Fighting a tear, she said, "No, don't even think about it. You've been planning this for three months now. This is important to you, to me. I'll be with you someday soon."

In the silence he pulled his head back to get a better look of her dignified face. His eyes wandered, across her spotless forehead, wisping locks of rose scented hair, down to her vibrant eyes. The[s]y[/s] silvery blue reminded of an endless, perfect storm. His view fell to her small, lovely lips.

She was stunning.

He lay[s]ed[/s] her down on the bed and cuddled close to her. He looked at the picture of her again.

"Remember when I took that picture of you, Trace?"

"Always," she replied with a smile. "The first day you told me you loved me."

She turned around to face his deep brown eyes, and sank under his chin.

And as the moon fell upon their fathers' graves, James' mother [s]breathed[/s] let out* a final breath[s]e[/s] of passion, and Tracey's mother slept silently in a lonely hospital bed, the two lovers held each other tight.
*I changed this because breathed a breath is repetitive.
This was the last night he would see her.
I thought she would be with him soon?
And he wasn't coming back.Nice, dramatic ending.


So, yes, I had a ton of suggestions, and those were all opinions (except for the grammar bits!) so throw them away if you wish! The main thing I noticed was that your language sounded stilted and awkward sometimes, which is the worst thing in a romance - you need the words to be totally fluid. But this is a fairly easy problem to fix. What I do is read the piece out loud a few times, just so I can hear how it sounds, and maybe catch something I didn't during editing.

Other than that, I really have nothing to add. I think this is a really interesting beginning - I already really want to know why he's leaving and what that means for Tracey. Good work, PM me if you have any questions! Hope this helped.
-Mars
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


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Wow, this is a great story. Possible over description at times, but i still found it a great read.
I can't wait to read where James' adventures take him. Let me know when you've posted more.




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Hey Jesse--

They flew proud amongst each other with dignity, and pride.

Get rid of that comma there, it just sort of clogs up your sentence and isn't necessary. "each other with dignity and pride" -- let the words just flow along!

He longed to be out under them, their white lights paving the way on the endless prairies.

Very nice imagery here.

He had grown tired of triple checking every little item he planned on taking. But he recognized the importance. For he wouldn't be returning anytime soon.

To remove some of the choppy sound (unless it was what you desired -- typically, I don't like choppiness and it's best to remove it and let the writing just read smoothly), combine your last two sentences with a comma. "But he recognized the importance, for he wouldn't be returning anytime soon."

Unwilling to doubt his countless checks any more he zipped up the faded brown suitcase and set it beside the black garbage bags in front of the white door.

Er, the mentioning of colors here sounds odd. Brown suitcase, black garbage, white door -- it seems too much like dialogue in a pre-K book. Spice up the colors a little, and maybe cut out mentioning one of the colors -- it's rather awkward.

The reason for the irony, he figured, was that his widowed mother was a Schoolteacher.

School teacher, without the capitalization, seems more apt here.

A figure of dignity and authority to most all his peers

To most all his peers? That has a strange sound to it. "To most of his peers", a simpler phrased route, sounds better.

Angered at the site of two young lover's kissing on school grounds

- Sight. Sight is seeing with your eyes, while site is like an online location or a place you go.
- Young lovers. Without apostrophe. You're not talking about their possession of the kissing, just them, so no apostrophe.

But it was still degrading to be treated as though kids were the only ones who enjoyed "it" by adults, such as his mom, when they were all, in fact, human.

What you're trying to say here doesn't come across entirely clear. I'm a bit lost to your meaning.

He thought often, when looking at pictures of Tracey, about how insincere and makeshift the smiles most girls wore in pictures were. James could usually recognize the fakes when he seen them, and Trace wasn't near. Her confident demeanor never seemed to give way and she could always flash the most witty, seductive, or knock dead gorgeous smile with every bit of her soul

This is very true! I like the inclusion of this observation -- it makes the main character seem very real and insightful.

He didn't set her down, instead her pulled her into a deep kiss.

This is a comma splice -- consider a semi-colon. "He didn't set her down; instead, he pulled her into a deep kiss".

This needed to last. She wouldn't be going with sadly.

I think you're missing a word in there.

She raked through his thick, dark brown hair with her right, and over the ripples of his back with her left.

Mention the hands, haha. You just say left and right. Say hands somewhere around here.

This was a very sweet story, and I found myself very fond of your main character. It was nice to characterize by describing his room -- very simple, but very effective, and I really received a good sense of who the character was.

I'm not sure if there is more to this story, but with or without continuation, I feel more needs to be stressed on the parents. Though you've described the MC's mom a bit, explain more at the end the weight she has played in him making his decision and describe more of the effect she has on him because of the way she is. Also, Tracy's mother has cancer -- and? We don't know her, we're not sure how her relationship with her mother is. These parental figures are both impressing heavily upon your two main characters, and they're making decisions and being changed due to what their parents are going through, so show more of that connection and impression with their parents, more than just a paragraph devoted to each mother.

More specifically, I would like to know more about Tracy's mother and get a window into how this has affected her as a person. You can let us see a glimpse in just a sentence or two. Let us see this connection the characters have with the higher figures that move them.

I hope this helped. PM me if you have questions!

~ Clo
How am I not myself?



how insane i exist in rooms i'm not in at the moment
— fatherfig