Dusk and Dawn

A/N: So this a poem I wrote for my best friend (*ahem* fluteluvr77). Go and tell her how epically amazing she is.
Now, onto the poem:



We bonded over chocolate
And love and silly boys.
We laughed about history
And birds and algebra.
She's bubbly and spontaneous,
Outgoing, an adventurer.
While I may be early morning
And she the image of dusk,
We're as alike as two people
Can be without bickering
Indecently too much.
I am like a turtle,
Hiding in my shell.
But she pulls me out
And pulls me through.
And when we act like owls,
Staying up all night,
I know she won't let me fall asleep,
Because where's the fun in that?

Yay! I feel special now ...
But, twin! You spelled epically wrong!! And, outgoing is one word...no hyphen there...Tsk, tsk..., whoa you're right! I do sound like Em...Oh well!
Gold Star..as usuall...

fluteluvr77<3

Haha, Twin. I fixed it.
But gasp! You spelled "usual" wrong! One l, not two! Tsk tsk. xD
But you know I love ya, and yes, you should feel very special.

Twin, you know I can't spell! But tsktsk, you STILL haven't edited the epically...

fluteluvr77<3

Oh that was lovely, reminds me of my best friend. well done.

This is a very well written piece. I very much enjoyed it! It really shows how true friends act and care for each other. Well done! *Gold Star*

This is a really well written piece and since I'm in a good mood, I'll tell it to you as it is:

1. Where's the rhythm? I couldn't get the beat to work in my head, so could you please direct me in the right direction? If you can't, then I think there's something wrong there...

2. The flow of the poem kinda threw me off. Like:

While I may be early morning

And she the image of dusk,

It just didn't flow well up in the brain for me, ya' know? Maybe you could try some different wording?


Other than that, I can't really find anything wrong here, and you seem to have corrected your spelling mistakes... Great job writing this, I really enjoyed reading it!

Happy writing!

==> Claeren (call me Claery)

P.S. You two should gang together over at Double Trouble Writing huddle and start putting some major work together...I'm sure it'd be awesome! (I'm planning on joining the group, so I hope to see you there!)

Explosive_Pen wrote:A/N: So this a poem I wrote for my best friend (*ahem* fluteluvr77). Go and tell her how epically amazing she is.
Now, onto the poem:



We bonded over chocolate
And love and silly boys.
We laughed about history
And birds and algebra.
She's bubbly and spontaneous,
Outgoing, an adventurer.
While I may be early morning
And she the image of dusk,
We're as alike as two people
Can be without bickering
Indecently too much.
I am like a turtle,
Hiding in my shell.
But she pulls me out
And pulls me through.
And when we act like owls,
Staying up all night,
I know she won't let me fall asleep,
Because where's the fun in that?

Hi explosive, Shina here ^^ I liked the idea here. It definitely surfaced. Umm, about the flow of this poem, there's a lot of words that ruin the flow. Some parts of the poem are kind of bumpy if you know what I mean. It's a really nice poem, but I think you can use some better words.

I'm in a rush, so I leave with that.

~shina

HIII!!!!!!! Ahem, sorry about that, loopy on cold medicine. Anyway, this was pretty good, but I definitely agree with Claeren on the whole rhythm and flow thing. I too was sitting there trying to come up with something in my head. I mean, I know you like to be all Little Miss Freestyle/Creative Poetry, but you still need to have some sort of something to have it make sense. Nice imagery, but there's little of it. Quoth you, "Show, don't tell and all that."

This could be the biography of my best friend and I; I am so timid and she is sooooo outgoing. I<3this.

You should really work on your rhythm though. Your concept was impeccable; I could really feel what you were saying but If I read this allowed it would sound like a paragraph. This is a piece of advice a friend gave me a wile ago that I think you might benefit from:

"Poetry is singing for the tone def. It should sound musical even if your reading it."