Connections Part 1 - Lucy

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Hey guys! I dunno, I'm starting this thing...(yes, another starter) where there's a bunch of extre short stories, letters, maybe even emails that focus on a theme of all the people who have been connected in someway to Lucy Germaine. Here's 1. and 2. (her brother and father). So, other stories might be her mother, school principal, town person, stranger, basically anyone who has talked to Lucy before lol Hope you enjoy!

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1.
Is that her? Judd Germaine thought to himself. A small girl with ebony hair and pale skin was sitting across the street on a bench. She was by herself. It could be Lucy.
“Mom, I think I see her. I…I think I see her.” Judd said, tugging on his mother’s sleeve and pointing towards the little girl.
“Don’t you think?” Judd asked pleadingly. His mother didn’t answer. Judd sprung up off the front porch and ran as fast as he could across the street. He could feel his own sweat going cold from the wind flying across his arms as he ran. He wouldn’t let the girl out of her sight. The hot Mississippi sun beat down on Judd as he got closer to the bench. He reached over to put a hand on the girl’s shoulder.
“Lucy!” Judd exclaimed happily. His smile was as long as the Mississippi river though it soon shortened to as long as a puddle.
It wasn’t Lucy.
The girl’s eyes were huge with fear. They didn’t sparkle like Lucy’s did. Her complexion didn’t shine like the stars in the heavens and her lips didn’t sing out like no one was listening. He made another mistake. It was the fifth one this week.
“I…I’m sorry. I think I’ve got the wrong....” Judd stammered, tears clogging his speech. It was like all hell broke loose in his throat and he couldn’t speak at all. He wiped the tears from his eyes in vain and opened his mouth.
“You’re not my sister.”
Suddenly, a firm hand gripped Judd’s shoulder.
“That would be my daughter, young man.” Judd spun around and looked straight into the eyes of Ms. Lansky, his school teacher.
Judd’s bluish gray eyes became saucers and slowly stepped away from the bench.
“I’m sorry…I’m…sorry.” Judd said as he backed away towards the street.
“Its ok, Judd. I know you miss Lucy.” Ms. Lansky said.
At that, Judd turned around and ran across the street back to his house. His mother was still sitting on the porch. Tears stinging her eyes.

2.
The beach was officially closed but one man still remained, looking out into the dark abysses of the ocean. Scott Germaine let the breeze flow through his blonde hair and the white, cold sand squeeze through his toes. His eyes were closed in meditation, thinking. His only daughter, Lucy, still couldn’t be found. His every move pained him because the soft skin of his daughter’s hand was not wrapped around his. His work was reduced to tiny scribbles of a man and a little girl, holding hands. Was this how all fathers felt? His mind went back to the first night Lucy slept in America. The night they finally got to bring her home from Korea. Judd was so excited, putting up all the decorations and such. He, himself, was elated too. He remembered how soft Lucy’s skin was when he stroked her chin and pulled back her jet black hair as he put her to bed. He seemed to be a good father. Every weekend afternoon, Scott devoted his time to play a game of catch in the backyard. Playing catch was almost a culture in the Germaine family. Scott, Judd, and Lucy would stand in a triangle and throw a ball to each other. Simple, yes, but worth it. As time went on, the family started to open up with each other. They would talk between catches and throws about their feelings. Lucy would always try to sharpen her English and ask a million questions about the American world. Scott and Judd would always laugh and try to answer her questions as much as they could. When dinner was ready, Ms. Germaine would call them in from the back window and they would have a meal together. It was fun; playing catch. Those were the days, Scott thought. The Germaine family was a strong as iron then. But now, their bond was a withering rose in the distance. They couldn’t form a triangle. There wouldn’t be any questions about words or how to do this or that. Not only did the game “catch” take on a new meaning, the word “catch” gripped Scott’s heart. Scott needed to catch up to Lucy. He needed to find her. But, as the days kept going by, Scott thought it was impossible. As he looked out over the ocean, he thought about how it was never ending. It was so dark and scary. You never knew what was going to come up behind you. For Scott, that was like finding Lucy. He knew nothing and he probably will never find her. At that, Scott picked up a shell off the ground and threw it into oblivion. That was how far he’ll have to go to find her. Oblivion. Scott turned around and started walking home.
Give hugs not bombs or whatever that saying says




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Hi! I really liked this story idea!
When I have the time, I'll sit down and make some corrections with the grammar if I find any. I'm a grammar freak; I apologize. Haha.
Anyway, I found this enjoyable. It was very descriptive, which I admire(:
Click-ity click! Reviews here. :)
The Completely Evil Plan.

"You treat me badly; I love you madly."
Formerly known as music_lover_7311.




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I did enjoy reading both of these. I really like the whole idea, and the way you have broke it up and put it into the different perspectives of the family members.

1 The first one was my favourite, it was easier to read. I really like the first paragraph, it draws the reader in and heightens the curiosity.
It was very descriptive, but I found some of it difficult to understand, as I didn't get what you were trying to say or what you meant by them e.g.

her lips didn’t sing out like no one was listening

and
became saucers


There was one sentence that bothered me;
His smile was as long as the Mississippi river though it soon shortened to as long as a puddle.

the first bit is fine up until 'though it soon shortened to as long as a puddle'. I don't really think it works and could do with rephrasing.

I really loved this part, 'Her complexion didn’t shine like the stars in the heavens', it is a really nice piece of description.

Now, for 2
This one is slightly more difficult to read. It could have been broken up into paragraphs which would have gave it a more clear structure. e.g. when he starts thinking about playing catch you could have started a new paragraph etc.

"was as strong as iron" doesn't sound right. It should be 'were as strong as iron', it sounds better.
You repeat the name Scott over again, you could change it to he, because constantly using Scott gets boring. That is just my opinion.

Overall, they are two good pieces, but after a re-read (to check it makes sense and is easily understood) they could be much better.

I hope this will help you and I'm sorry if I seem picky and I'm also sorry for it being so long.




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Hi, thefireinmeisJC.

I particularly enjoyed the first section to this piece, especially this wonderful metaphor:

His smile was as long as the Mississippi river...


However, perhaps the second part to that comparison could be changed to, "... though it soon shortened to a trickle" or "... until it froze on his face"?

Her complexion didn’t shine like the stars in the heavens...


This is very beautiful and shows just how much Judd loves his sister; his love is as expansive and open-armed as the sky.

It was like all hell broke loose in his throat and he couldn’t speak at all.


This is an effective description, but it could be saved for use later at a point of more urgent emotional climax. Something like, "His tears choked up in the back of his throat, closing up his voice" might be better here.

As for the second part to this piece, it's quite a big chunk to take in all in one go. This could do with splitting into two paragraphs.

I do very much like the fond family memories you make Scott think about. Maybe you could describe the natural scenery around him and relate the softness of the sand to the touch of his daughter's hand?

Best Wishes in the rest of your writing!

~ timeless



I continue to be a reverse hipster, I only do things after they've ceased being cool
— BluesClues