Cousin Benjamin

"Cousin Benjamin is the best!"
That's what my relatives said,
"With charm and skill he is certainly blessed—"
Those words hammered into my head

I found I was at my very wit’s end
I was tired of his perfection,
My own broken pride I needed to mend,
And win back my family’s affection

So my cousin and I went out on a trip
To walk along the Cliffs of Insanity
And dear Cousin Ben just happened to slip;
Oh my, the inhumanity!

"Cousin Benjamin was the best,"
That's what my relatives say...

This was funny! Well, to critique, here's all I've got:

So my cousin and I went out on a trip

To walk along the Cliffs of Insanity

And dearest Cousin Ben just happened to slip;

Oh my, the inhumanity!

The first two lines are good. They work with the rythem.
But the second line doesn't exactly go. It's the 'dearest'. Maybe "And dear Cousin Ben just happened to slip;"


Otherwise, great! Really funny!!

Okay.... That was totally cool, awesome and funny. I really like your poems because they are all funny. I have only one thing to crit:

So my cousin and I went out on a trip

To walk along the Cliffs of Insanity

And dearest Cousin Ben just happened to slip;

Oh my, the inhumanity!


Try to change the last two lines a little bit. They didn't sound rite. Anyways you deserve a star.

Okay, sonnets = win. I had to review this.

Basically, I see some rhythm imperfections. Like dearest Cousin Ben - the way I'm reading it, it's too many syllables, and you could easily get rid of one or even two words there, if you had to. The other nit pick is very wit's end. Very just doesn't seem to fit there. It sounds...odd.

Otherwise, this was excellent. The only real issue I have is that the first two stanzas are in present tense, and then the one where he dies is in past tense. And that's...weird. Keep it consistent - all present or all past. I think either one would work, just...it has to be one or the other, you know? (I do like the past tense in the very last line, though! Although - continuing with the tense confusion, I think it should either be Cousin Ben is the best, that's what my relatives said or Cousin Ben was the best, that's what my relatives say because they could be remembering him as he was, or they could have said he *is* the best, before he died. You know?)

Funny, original, clever, well done, anti-pop! Keep up the good work.

Haha! Anti-pop, your poems are always so humorous, they always manage to brighten my day.
I couldn't find anything to critique here, other than the fact that some lines are a bit too long, which messes up the flow.
Other than that, this is wonderful. Keep up the good work, anti-pop! Gold star for you.

Thanks everyone so much for the reviews!
Especially Texan and Mars: I've rewritten a few lines thanks to both of your suggestions. I appreciate it very much!


~anti-pop

I thought this was really funny. I know how the narrator feels about having a perfect relative that everyone always has to talk about. Some of the rhyming felt a little too forced, but the rhythym was consistant, and the whole poem was fun so it didn't bother me too much. Thanks for making this. I really enjoyed it.

Haha, I loved this poem! I loved how you decided to describe how it felt having a perfect relative...I thought that the rhythm was consistent, although the rhyme was somewhat forced...
I especially liked how you describe the "Cliffs of Insanity" and say that "he took a fall"...
This was really good and I don't really have any nitpicks on this that the others haven't covered...So, gold star for you!
fluteluvr77<3

lol clever

i won't repeat the 20 ppl before me other to say.. i like your style... its fresh

Brendan

anti-pop wrote:"Cousin Benjamin is the best!"
That's what my relatives said,
"With charm and skill he is certainly blessed—"
Those words hammered into my head

I found I was at my very wit’s end
I was tired of his perfection,
My own broken pride I needed to mend,
And win back my family’s affection

So my cousin and I went out on a trip
To walk along the Cliffs of Insanity
And dear Cousin Ben just happened to slip;
Oh my, the inhumanity!

"Cousin Benjamin was the best,"
That's what my relatives say...

Hi Anti-Pop! Shina here Once again a poem that's easy on the eyes xD I don't like reading poems that are bad, so this one makes me happy!

I really like the idea in this poem, but the rhyme at the end? You have the whole rhyme scheme down until the end. Well, I guess maybe it's just supposed to be like that. I think you can elaborate on this more and make it rhyme without forcing it. Also wit's should be wits' because you have more that one wit right? I think so @_x maybe I'm just confusing myself.

Also I might want to point out that the beginning was just a little bit confusing for me. I had to read the poem twice before I noticed the rhyme scheme and the point of the poem. It was just the flow was fast? slow? something like that xD


Keep writing, and I have plenty more to read from you

~Shina

This was a funny and well-written poem!

The only comment I have is that the last stanza should probably be a quatrain, just like the rest of the piece. Although, it's hard to say that, because the abrupt ending was really hilarious!
My personal belief is just that since this ends with only two lines, it kind of throws off the otherwise effortless flow. I'm pretty sure you were going for that "sudden-stop" effect, but you seem talented enough to pull it off without jarring the rhythm.

Great job!

Wow, anti-pop!

You've got another golden star for this piece for sure.

So my cousin and I went out on a trip

To walk along the Cliffs of Insanity

And dear Cousin Ben just happened to slip;

Oh my, the inhumanity!

This is officially one of the best stanzas I've ever read in any poem... ever.

I found I was at my very wit’s end

I'm not sure if you would want to make the change, but perhaps you could switch places between the "very" and the "wit's". Of course this isn't essential by any means, but I just think it might look a little better.

So, great work, and very entertaining!

Have a good one!

Ha, this was really a good one. Really funny. ^^

OK...about the poem...hmm...

When I read it, I noticed it was written in a fast pace. Maybe it's just me, 'cause I'm used to rather slow poems, but some parts confused me slightly, as angels-symphony pointed out. Some parts went woosh, some when slow. The rhyme scheme also didn't really work out for me, especially at the ending part.

But overall, it was great work. Very brightening and cheerful.
You deserve a gold star.

Have a good day, and keep writing!