Masquerade chapter 1 part A

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One warm summer night, when my father got home from work really late; he called a family meeting. That meant bad news because we never have family meetings unless there is dire news. My dad went in and sat on the cream colored couch and my mother sat next to him. I sat on the chair across from them.
My father had a mournful look on his face and seemed to have tears in his eyes.
“I just got news that my father has passed away,” he stated plainly.
My mother gasped and stared at my dad with her bright blue eyes that were now clouded with tears. My eyes turned moist but no tears appeared because I never really knew my grandfather except for the things Dad has told me about him.
“Does that mean…” my mother whispered letting her voice trail off.
“Yes,” my father responded, “That’s exactly what it means.” I couldn’t keep quiet anymore. Questions were running through my head.
I finally managed to get one out, “What’s going on?” My father and mother just started at each other, like they were having their own conversation with their eyes.
“Honey,” my father started out slowly, “We have something to tell you.” He sat there quietly, contemplating where to begin, “Well I guess there is no easy way to say this. Juliana, I’m going to become a king.” I didn’t think the world was spinning right. Maybe I just hadn’t heard right.
“A-a-a-a king?” I stammered. Normally a girl would be excited to hear this, but I was not. I was just getting ready to start high school, and I wanted to start fresh. Become a whole different person. But this wasn’t what I wanted.
“Yes, honey. My father had wanted me to just stay at the palace and work side-by-side with him but that’s not what I wanted to do. We came up with an agreement that I would come back after I graduated. And I did go back but only there was an extra person with me: your mother.” He paused to turn and smile at my mom,
“We had my father’s approval, and so we were married. We lived at the palace with my father so that I could keep to our agreement. A few months after we were married, we found out your mother was pregnant. We then had a decision to make. We wanted to continue living at the palace, but we wanted our child to have a chance at a normal life. So we sat down and discussed it with my dad. We decided that we wanted you to be able to live a normal life. So we packed up and left as soon as possible. We have made very little contact with my dad since, though I wish I would have,” he grimaced, knowing now that he would never have a chance to fix that, “We had decided though that I would come back and be king once he had died. And now that time has come.”
“Does that mean we have to move? I’m going to have to become a princess?”
“Yes honey, it does,” my mother responded calmly.
“But I don’t wanna be a princess,” I whined, “I just want to be normal.”
“Well we’ll have to see what we can do about that,” she said with a glance at my father. “For now, go to bed Juliana.” I walked out of the room and went upstairs to get ready for bed. It took me forever to fall asleep that night. I kept tossing and turning thinking of what I had been told earlier. Me, a princess. Impossible. That’s not what I wanted to be. I was starting high school and I had decided to start with a fresh personality but being a princess was not what I wanted. Maybe… my thoughts trailed off as I finally fell asleep.
Last edited by Just_Listen on Mon Feb 23, 2009 1:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
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It seems pretty interesting! A girl becomes a princess, but doesn't want to. A question: what era is this set in? Or is it a universe you've created?

Some grammatical corrections in bold:

One warm summer night, when my father got home from work really late, he called a family meeting. That meant bad news, because we never have family meetings unless there is bad news.

Maybe change the "bad" to another word in the second bad news; it seems a little repetitive.

My father had a sad look on his face. The first words out of his mouth were: “I just got news that my father has passed away.”
My mother gasped and stared at my dad with her bright blue eyes. “Does that mean…” she whispered letting her voice trail off.

I think that you should start a new line/paragraph at "My father..." and another at "My mother..."

I finally managed to get one out, “What’s going on?”

Again, I feel that you shouldn't end a paragraph with a comma, then start a new one with the dialogue. I think you should start a new line/paragraph with "I finally..."

“Honey,” my father started out slowly.“We have something to tell you." He sat there quietly, contemplating where to begin, “Well, I guess there is no easy way to say this. Juliana, I’m going to become a king.”

Again, some grammatical corrections

“A-a-a-a king?” I stammered. Normally, a girl would be excited to hear this, but I was not. I was just getting ready to start high school, and I wanted to start fresh.

Yes, I'm a grammar freak.

“Yes,honey. My father had wanted me to just stay at the palace and work side-by-side with him, but that’s not what I wanted to do. We came up with an agreement that I would come back after I graduated. And I did go back, but only there was an extra person with me: your mother.He paused to turn and smile at my mom.

Again, at the end, you left it with a comma leading into a dialogue. I may be wrong, but I just think this is incorrect. Sorry if I am wrong. Haha.

“We had my father’s approval, and so we were married. We lived at the palace with my father so that I could keep to our agreement. A few months after we were married, we found out your mother was pregnant. We then had a decision to make. We wanted to continue living at the palace, but we wanted our child to have a chance at a normal life."


We have made very little contact with my dad since, though I wish I would have,” he grimaced, knowing now that he would never have a chance to fix that. “We had decided, though, that I would come back and be king once he had died. And now that time has come.”


“Well we’ll have to see what we can do about that,” she said with a glance at my father. “For now, go to bed Juliana.”


I kept tossing and turning, thinking of what I had been told earlier. Me, a princess. Impossible. That’s not what I wanted to be. I was starting high school and I had decided to start with a fresh personality, but being a princess was not what I wanted.


And that about wraps up all of my grammar-crazy fixations.
I liked the story, though. I think you could turn it into something interesting. :)
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Hello! I'm JC and I'll try to be your reviewer today. Its getting a tad late so I may have to finish up tomorrow ^^

Okie dokie. Your first paragraph enticed me. Family meetings can go anywhere and can mean many different things. This family meeting brings bad news. Very bad news. The MC's grandfather just died.


Sad, right?

Well in your story, it doesn't come out that way. Try to add some more detail about how the MC feels about her grandfather's death (not being a princess. that comes second) and more importantly even how the father feels. Why isn't he crying?? Why isn't anyone crying??


I sat on the chair across from them. My father had a sad look on his face. The first words out of his mouth were:


These were really choppy. Delete the first words out of his mouth...didn't flow right. :wink:

Ok...the next few sentences goes with adding more detail. Emotions!! I want to get into the MC's head.

We had my father's approval and so we were married. We lived at the palace with my father so that I could keep to our agreement. A few months after we were married, we found out your mother was pregnant. We then had a decision to make. We wanted to continue living at the palace but we wanted our child to have a chance at a normal life. So we sat down and discussed it with my dad. We decided that we wanted you to be able to live a normal life. So we packed up and left as soon as possible. We have made very little contact with my dad since, though I wish I would have, he grimaced, knowing now that he would never have a chance to fix that, We had decided though that I would come back and be king once he had died. And now that time has come."


WHOA! Ok, break it up! Huge info dump 12 o'clock. I can't give any concrete advice here, just to break it up somehow. To be honest, I skimmed right through this entire thing.

But I don't wanna be a princess, I whined, I just want to be normal.


Whiner....and cliche. The whole "fresh start in freshman year of highschool" is overdone. I dunno, I didn't really like it (who likes a whiner?) but its key to your plot I guess, so I should just shut up. :P

Overall: Lots of potential, try to break up the info dump, make your characters human, and slow down. This was a pretty fast paced story. Stretch the fun out.

good question, what time period is this?

- JC
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Hiya!

Music_lover took care of most of the grammatical corrections I was going to suggest, so I won't rehash them. I will comment that sometimes your sentence structures were repetitive and a little uncomfortable to read. The best way of dealing with that is to read your work aloud; you'll be able to hear where you need to vary the length or start with a different rhythm.

Obviously this is only the beginning, but here are some questions that I have:

1) what country are they royalty of? how is it that her parents have managed to keep her incognito all this time? (does wikipedia exist for these characters? because there's a good chance that her birth would be listed on the wiki page for that royal family, and if one of her friends or teachers -- or even Julianna -- ever decided to google herself, it would come up.)
2) what excuses or explanations have her parents been giving her for the past 15 years as to why she never met her grandfather? What have they told her, if anything?
3) She says she wants to start high school with a new personality, but not a princess. I'm curious about what persona she had before, why she wants to change it, and what she wants to change it into.

Good luck! Keep working on it.
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I agree with Merricat's questions! You can PM me the answers (if you want to, that is) or just post them here, if you so desire. I look forward to reading part B when I have time!
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ohhh...i am loving it so far. i love your writing style, and it's a great plot for a story. i love stories with royalt in them :) i also agree with other questions about eras, countries and such, but i guess i'll read on to find out! -reading on-



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