Be Not Afraid

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Be Not Afraid

I meet him at the battle field on a snowy day.

"Are you sure you want to challenge me?" Lawrence Raeburn smirks, removing his mittens. He shifts into battle stance, feet slightly apart. It is a subtle change, but I can see it. Despite his bluster, he is prepared to win. Or he thinks he is.

"Yes," I reply simply, my voice steady. I am confident. I know I can take him; I have dueled dozens of other champions, only to be disappointed by their inadequacy. The only question is whether it will take me five minutes or ten. Raeburn is the last, the Extreme Snowballing World Champion 2008. He thinks he is invincible in his camoflage wind-breaker, but green and brown will not disguise you in a field of white. Once I finish him, I will claim the title.

"Then let the duel begin!" he says. Right on cue the wind starts to blow, hard, transforming snow into a tornado. It rises from the ground and spins around us, separating us from the onlookers. It's too thick. I can't see my sister, wearing the stiletto boots that cut her feet (even though she'd never admit it). I can't see my aunt, clutching her cross and muttering psalms. I can't see my nephew, or my cousins, or any of Raeburn's supporters, even though I know they're there.

But the moment of hesitation has cost me. Raeburn has been packing, and starts pelting me so fast I can't hardly think right. Snowballs, each a perfect sphere, one after another after another. I have to flee behind my fort of snow. While I catch my breath, I try to remember the foolproof strategies that Sensei has taught me.

Sensei was employed as my teacher, but he is much more than that: my advisor, my protector. My confidant. Five years have passed since I left home to train with the most renowned snow-baller in the land, and in those five years I grew from a spoiled, eleven-year-old boy into the man I am today. I am his best student, the one who runs an extra mile every morning, who aims with the utmost precision, who wiped his forehead with cool cloths as he lay dying.

He who strikes the first blow admits he has lost the fight. It always took me a day and a night to work out Sensei's advices. They were never straightforward - he always said it was important to train the mind as well as the body. You will need to think quickly and logically, he said. I can hear his voice, soft and hoarse, as clear as if he were crouching beside me. Even beyond the grave, he is with me. I need to win.

Be not afraid of going slowly, be only afraid of standing still. He would not be proud of me now, hiding in my makeshift shelter. It's about to disintegrate, anyway. I can feel it shudder every time my opponent's snowballs hit the ground. I close my eyes and breathe slow. In, out. It is hard to clear the mind when you are sweating through your down parka. In, out. Concentrate on the battle.

"Daniel!" Raeburn calls, and I am not aware that we are on a first-name basis. I can hear poison in his voice, no doubt he has taken this chance to rearm himself. I have to get out there, and fast. I need to win.

After packing a few weapons, I run out from my shelter. Three snowballs immediately hit the ground right behind me - I keep running, dodging hit after hit. He's getting frustrated now, I can feel it, but once he uses all his ammunition, I can attack. And he's not as fast as I am. Now, I'm running in a wide arc, circling my enemy, getting further away and then closer towards him. He's always in my view. I focus on the weapons in his hand. Bam! Snow pounds the earth all around me.

Running is only temporary but it's the only thing I can think of, I can't stop and arm myself or he will kill me. Despite my excellent endurance, my legs are beginning to tire, and he can tell...I need to slow down. A bullet grazes my ear. I feel the blood trickling down my cheek...it warms my face and drips down past my collar onto the shirt that my sister bought me. She'll be angry. Raeburn is anticipating my movement now that he knows where to aim. I should slow down: my muscles are burning and my lungs screaming for air. Instead, I zig-zag across the field so he cannot predict where I'll be. Sensei taught me that.

And then, just as suddenly as it began, it stops. I know that Raeburn has run out of arms. Everything is quiet: no screams from the audience, no wind whipping at the snowballs, just my ragged, irregular breathing. He stands still for a moment, wavering, not sure whether to rearm or dodge my bullets. He sees that I am still running and bends down for more snow.

And that's when I hit him.

It's like all the energy that I lost has come back to me, flowing through my veins, everywhere in my body, igniting at the tips of my fingers. I start out slow, one snowball splatting angrily on the back of his head. Then they come faster and faster and I can barely pack them quick enough. He is covered in it, snow dripping from his massive shoulders and forearms. He's a big guy but I'm swift. I keep pelting him until he raises his hands in defeat, still kneeling on the ground.

Victory.

Edited again! Thank you to all who reviewed, you were tremendously helpful! For the contest. (I'm still open to suggestion, by the way, hint hint.)
Last edited by Mars on Sun Mar 15, 2009 6:14 pm, edited 6 times in total.
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


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Hi Mars! Thanks for using my Examination Emporium thread!

:arrow: No need to fear, the deadline isn't until March 21! That's tons of editing time. :wink:

:arrow: My main issure here is that I'm not quite sure how old this character is. Snowballing seems like something only a child would take so seriously, but he hardly acts like a child. In fact, I'm giving you almost the exact same advice Anti-Pop gave me on one of my contest entries where the MC was a child, but it was hard to tell. So, I suggest, if he's older, throwing in an even more adult vocabulary and maybe mention somewhere how, no, snowball fights aren't just for kids. If he's younger, simplify his speech. I love how seriously he's taking this. Would a child, though, know that old-timey talk in the beginning?

:arrow: Nitpicks, of which there is only one.

I focus on the arms in his hand. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM. Snow pounds the earth all around me.

And then it stops, and I know that Raeburn has run out of arms.


You use 'arms' here twice very closely together. I'd suggest changing the first one to 'ammunition', since you mention his hands. Arms and hands...body parts...slightly confusing...yeah... :oops:

And the BAM BAM BAM BAM...etc...is slightly distracting. While I'm reading the paragraph above, it jumps out so much that I find myself skipping ahead just to see what all the commotion is about, ya? :wink: Italics, or even bolding, would get the same point across without being so...painfully obvious. :?

:arrow: There's not much for us to work with here, is there? :wink: Nothing wrong with that. I don't see the immediate need to expand too much, although I'm sure some later reviewer will probably tell you otherwise. As of now, the main issue is characterization-- namely, age, in your case. You could describe the surroundings a bit more, I think. Yes, definately. Tell us, how does each hit feel? Are the painful? Do they make him worried, or just more determined?

Now, I realize that I said characterization is your main issue; however, that doesn't mean you need to go on and on about this guy's life accomplishments, dreams, hopes, fears, if he has a dog, or whatever. :wink: In short stories, I find people always telling me to characterize more-- and sometimes, that's the case. here, however, with such a short story, I'm not sure what good it would do you trying to fit in a lot of background information. Right now it has a very clear center-point (snowballing) and it's as if the world revolves around it. That's good. You want the world to stop for your story. You want the reader to feel that everything but snowball fights can be put on hold for the moment.

Ya?

:arrow: Originality:

So, I'm very grateful that this is so original, or else I'd have to review a depressing war battle scene. You spared me, though! I think this is a wonderful take on a battle. Creativity is definately important, and your gets an A+!

:arrow: Title

Hmm. I'm afraid I just cannot allow you to keep this titled as it is. However, that said, my ability to title things is rather lacking. Here are some random ideas that you are welcome to use, although I understand if you won't; not sure if I's use them myself:

The Last One in my Way
Snow on my Side
Victory

Perhaps?

PM me if you need anything, even a look over the edit. There's no need to beat yourself down like that, though. Have some self-confidence! Let us decide on our own whether it needs a lot of work; if we don't think it does, but then you give us that spoiler at the end, we might start rethinking our opinions. Make sense?

Anyway, good luck in the contest!

~Evi
Last edited by Evi on Tue Feb 17, 2009 11:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.




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Hey Mars,
This is quite an interesting story. I just have a few things that might help you revise this. At the beginning I was quite lost, because I thought it was a guy ready to kill the other guy in a sword fight or something and then the snowballs came in. I was really confused. I would hint that it was a snowfight at the beginning of the story. Like Evi said, I was confused on how old the guy was. If he was older than twelve snow balls wouldn't make sense.
Anyway, Keep up the good work
Happy Revising :)




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it was pretty good. not sure the BAM BAM BAM was needed in the descriptions, kinda ruined the subtly of the moment. I didn't mind the snowdalls so much as the rest of the reviewers, I think its nice since they sorta serve to bring out a bit of imaturity and youth that surrounds all the gravity of the situation. that said it I can tell you've def got some talent in that nogin. good work. I'll be sure to await your work in the near future. keep it up.

"when you shoot for the stars, sometimes you just burn up in the atmosphere" -michael carr (myself)




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Hi :) I thought this was good! Its a nice twist on the classic battle stuff, I think you'll do well in the contest :D

I meet him on the battle field on a snowy day.


I like the way you start with an isolated sentence, really nice and dramatic :) I think it could be made a bit better though. I'm not that keen on repeating the on, I think it would work better as a simpler sentence that draws the reader in- perhaps something like 'I face him across the snowy battlefield.'

Lawrence Raeburn smirks, removing his mittens and readying himself for the fight ahead.


I'm not sure how else you can really ready yourself for the fight ahead other than taking your mittens off, I think it would work better as 'removing his mittens in preparation for the fight ahead' or something along those lines.

He thinks he is so invincible in his green camo wind-breaker


I don't know why, but I think it would sound better without the so and changing he is to he's- don't pay any attention if you think differently sometimes I just have strange opinions :P

I have to flee behind my fort - a large pile of snow.


I'm not that keen on the dash part, the sentence might work better as something like 'I have to flee behind my fort of snow' as it keeps in with the drama of the fight.

And then it stops, and I know that Raeburn has run out of arms.


I think others have pointed this out before about replacing the arms with something else.

Then they come faster and faster and I can barely pack them fast enough.


I'd change the last fast to something like swift (seeing as you use quick later on) as you use 'faster and faster' earlier in the sentence.

Victory.


I love the single word ending :D

Overall I found this piece to be really great! Its a brilliant caption of a battle scene and nicely original, good luck in the contest! :)
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Hey Mars,

I'll be nitpicky, if you want ^_^

I meet him on the battle field on a snowy day. My very first thought? Why is this not in the Hisorical Fiction forum? (especially because your characters then use old English words in their first dialogue) You could avoid that by changing the words around and making it clear that it isn't a *real* battle field - On a snowy day, I meet him on the field that serves as our battle grounds.

Okay, not a great example, but you probably get what I mean.

only to be disappointed in their inadequacy. Shouldn't it be "by their inadequacy" ?

Is there an actual competition going on ? Your talk about "claiming the title" and such suggests it, but there seems to be no audience, no judges, etc. All we know is that they are having a snowball fight, and it sounds like they're taking it more seriously than it actually is.

BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM. Snow pounds the earth all around me. I'm not too fond of using caps. My advice is that you should change it to something along these lines: Bam, bam, bam! Snow pounds the earth all around me.

I think that looks nicer, and reads more easily.

And then it stops, and I know that Raeburn has run out of arms. You repeat "arms" - you've used it in a previous sentence. It's noticable repetition.

This is an interesting story, and I enjoyed reading it. Just make sure you make it clear that it's either an amature fight that they simply take too seriously, or include more things that show us it is an actual competition.

Good luck with the contest!

XxxDo




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You guys all completely rock. I'll get on editing this soon.
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


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Hey, Mars! I'm going to try to be as harsh/constructive as possible. :P

Mars wrote:"Ye of little faith," I reply, my voice steady. I am confident. I know I can take him; I have dueled dozens of other champions, only to be disappointed by their inadequacy. [s]The only question is whether it will take me five minutes or ten[/s]. Raeburn is the last, the Extreme Snowballing World Champion 2008. He thinks he is invincible in his camouflage windbreaker, but green and brown will not disguise you in a field of white. Once I finish him, I will claim the title.


Okay, I think you should take out the struck out sentence or work it in better. It kind of sticks out (at least to me), but I do like it. It gives your MC a certain amount of cockiness. Also, I think you should reword "Raeburn is the last" last what? I know he's the last person that he duels, but I think you should tell us in the sentence.

"Then let the duel begin!" he says. He starts pelting me so fast I can hardly think [s]right[/s]. I have to flee behind my fort of snow. While I catch my breath, I try to remember the foolproof strategies that Sensei had taught me.


Sensei was employed as my teacher, but he is much more than that. He's my advisor, my protector, my confidant. Five years have passed since I left home to train with the most renowned snow-baller in the land, and in those five years I grew from a spoiled, eleven-year-old boy into the man I am today. I am his best student, the one who runs an extra mile every morning, the one who aims with the utmost precision, the one who wiped his forehead with cool cloths as he lay dying.


I think the repetition at the end will help. :D

He who strikes the first blow admits he has lost the fight. It always took me a day and a night to work out Sensei's advices. They were never straightforward - he always said it was important to train the mind as well as the body. You will need to think quickly and logically, he said. I can hear his voice, soft and hoarse, as clear as if he were crouching beside me. Even beyond the grave, he is with me. I need to win.


I think you should italicize "You will need to think quickly and logically".


:idea: This story was so creative! I read the contest rules, and I think it's such a good idea to do a snowball battle rather than a regular blood and guts one. I think it's a good idea, and a fun story.

:arrow: Okay now, one thing I noticed was the sensei. He seems kind of cliche. I've seen many movies that have wise senseis with cryptic clues and I think you should explore the idea. This piece is really original, and I think you should make your sensei original, too. :wink:

:arrow: Language....I was kind of confused. In the beginning your characters use old English (I'm guess that's what it is), but then they kind of break out of it. Was it a joke? Also since your writing in first person you might want to take it out because the narrator doesn't use it at all.

:arrow: I thought your battle was well-written, but if you want more tips I found this. Tips. It's for a real battle in a story, but I think you might find some things to help you with.

Well I hope I helped you in some way and good luck! I hope you win the contest!

---Dahlia
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Hiya Mars!

Seriousness: I was put off by all this seriousness for a simple snowball fight. And the language at the beginning didn't help. Had you made this 1508 then it would have been understandable, but 2008 just left me cold. (Pardon the pun. :P)

Also! You have used a couple of different cultures here. The "sensei" bit doesn't really fit with the old English of all this. It feels like some alternate-universe thing where snowball fights are training grounds for war. ;)

Silliness: The shoe is on the other foot now! Looking at this from the standpoint of a parody, my gosh this was funny! All that seriousness, from a seventeen-year-old, over a snowball fight. Actually, I would take this even farther into a war-metaphor. The snowballs are bullets, the forts barracks. This is a parody. Have fun with it! :D

Heh, yes, I know I contradicted myself. The "seriousness" was my initial reaction, the "silliness" was what happened when I thought about it. I'd make this even more ridiculus just so we start laughing from paragraph one. :D

Questions? Send me a PM.

~Rosey
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Hey Mars Bars! I'm not sure how much I can add to this, but let's see!
---

"Dost thou mean to challenge me?" Lawrence Raeburn smirks, removing his mittens and readying himself for the fight ahead.

It's not entirely necessary, but there's chance for more imagery here. You can describe what Lawrence looks like, all bundled up for the outside weather and the snow he's about to deal with, and we can get a concept of what he looks like. Nothing basic like, "He has blonde hair", nobody likes that stuff, but just some imagery can be placed here.

I think what you have written here is good. I enjoy the cutesy, silly tone personally. Good, silly -- but it needs to be expanded upon. You can take what you have here and turn it into something more epic. This is a battle -- you mention a sensei (which I thought was so adorable) -- so he's been trained. He has struggled hard for this, so build the story up with epic wording. In your mind, act like he is a solder in a life or death situation.

Since this is such a short story on such a simple topic, you need to rely a lot on description and imagery. So expand that. Turn this into a bloody battlefield, where the blood is snow. Make this something terrifyingly epic, and as you build, build, build, have the finish be longer, the climax more detailed and twisted, slow, so we can savor the ending. Use descriptive language to draw out the moment the snowball smacks the other boy in the face, taking him down for good.

Like I said, what you have written is written very well. You just need to make the topic more alive with some expansion, which I know you are totally capable of.

So let's see this edited and epic. :)

I hope this was helpful! PM me if you have questions.

~ Clo
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Hey, mimi here as requested!
I was all set to do a long, line-by-line review... but I can't! There are hardly any faults in this piece and I found the entire story amazing. You kept me hooked to the story until the very end.

Characters
I liked the main character loads... he seems very disciplined. I liked how you made it so you gave him a back story, makes him more relatable. How he used to be all spoilt etc but now changed for the better. When it comes to Raeburn we don't know much about him. Maybe this is because he is not very important in the story... Just another competitor? From this text I got the feeling he really likes to win and hates losing. He's also sort of aggressive? I don't know if that's how you wanted to portray him though.

Grammar
Could not find much fault here! I usually have to stay shortening sentences for people or changing the structure or something but here I didn't so that was good. The only thing I found a bit odd was the sudden: BAM BAM BAM. It stopped the great flow you had going. I would suggest either completely removing it or putting it in italics instead of capitalising? Capitalised words can be distracting and very in-your-face if you know what I mean.

Overall
Loved it all. Even though it's for a contest I hope you continue it! I want to find out what happens and why snow balling competitions are taken so seriously! I got the feeling that it was looked upon like karate. Something that requires a lot of discipline and takes years to properly master?

I'm sure you'll do great in the contest! Amazing job!

*Gold star* :D

xxmimixx
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