Elisabeth's Prayer

dear God,

I'm feeling dark inside,
and small and hurt and weak inside.
I need a place to crawl and hide:
a safe, still harbour at your side
where unknown balm and peace abide,
and loving arms are opened wide.

dear God,

I feel an ache inside,
a painful, shattered break inside.
I need to hear my doubts denied
and see you catch the tears I've cried.
I need to feel your balm applied
to hurts I can't touch, though I've tried.

dear God,

I've little hope inside,
and barely any faith inside:
I need to know you're teary-eyed
and see past all the lies I've lied,
and know this lost child needs a guide.
I need a soul to walk beside.

dear God,

I'm desperate inside.
I'm trembling on my knees inside.
I don't know what to do, beside
returning to the tears I've cried
or wasted remedies I've tried.
I've reached my end, it's cut and tied,

dear God,
I need you at my side.

dear child,
he whispers, teary-eyed,

I AM.

lilchoma wrote:dear God,

I'm feeling dark inside,
and small and hurt and weak inside.
I need a place to crawl and hide:
a safe, still harbour at your side
[s]where unknown balm and peace abide,
and loving arms are opened wide.[/s] Perfecty good without that...rhythm hurt...

dear God,

I feel an achE inside,
a painful, shattered break inside.
I need to hear my doubts denied
and see you catch the tears I've cried.
[s]I need to feel your balm applied
to hurts I can't touch, though I've tried.[/s]

dear God,

I've little hope inside,
and barely any faith inside:
I need to know you're teary-eyed
and see past all the lies I've lied,
and know this lost child needs a guide.
I need a soul to walk beside.

dear God,

I'm desperate inside.
I'm trembling on my knees inside.
I don't know what to do, beside
returning to the tears I've cried
or wasted remedies I've tried.
[s]I've reached my end, it's cut and tied,[/s]This here seems like you searched for God when you reached the end, but not before...

dear God,
I need you at my side.

[s]dear child,
he whispers, teary-eyed,

I AM.[/s] I'll just say no to this...

Nice one...I actually liked the repetitions in some strange way...but just because it's a pray..

This was really good. The rhythm also really worked well with this poem. It gave it an almost desperate voice.

Honestly, I see nothing wrong with this poem. Rhythm is faultless. Word choice was brilliant becasue it made it so real. The emotions are well portaryed.

Sorry, I know that this isn't much of a review but I really liked this.

This was truly amazing. I really loved it!! A clear poem with a strong voice. Exactly what I needed today.

I loved the way you set up this poem. The prayer format is really unique. And the voice behind he poem demands the readers attention. It is full of rich emotion and heartfelt prayer. It really pulled on the heart string, you know? This was expertly crafted. . .[s]like a fine piece of funrnishure?? [/s]

This was fantastic....achingly beautiful and - and I simply cannot believe that you think you cannot write well!!! The only thing (nitpick-wise) is that "ach" in the first stanza should be spelled "ache" and "beside" in the fourth stanza should be "besides" even though it messes up the rhyme.

I positively adore the ending, it was poignant and perfect.

P.S. thank you so much for writing this. Sometimes you (I) need to see things through another's eyes to understand. Now I think I'm coming close, if you see what I mean.

Hello, have we met? Call me Stella, I'll review you today.

I really liked this, actually. I'm just going to nitpick...

where unknown balm and peace abide,
and loving arms are opened wide.[/wuote]

I agree these don't really work. Rework them a little?

I feel an ach inside,

ache

I've little hope inside,

Maybe "I've little hope left inside"? I feel you need another syllable.

I need to know you're teary-eyed

Why? I don't see it....

I don't know what to do, beside

besides.

he whispers, teary-eyed,

Again, why teary eyed?

Now, I, personally, loved the end. It's like "Footprints in the sand," I have a feeling you've read that poem. To disagree with darko, I reckon it's the whole point.

This is just a suggestion, which the others might hate: why not decapitalize the i's that Elisabeth uses. It'll make the "dear God"s have more impact, if that's the only capital letter until the "I AM" at the end.

Overall, much enjoyed.

Hope I helped, PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella x

I really like the poem. There is a special message behind it. I really like the repetition of the word "inside". Even though I don't usually like poems that rhyme in anyway, especially every line, I must say that this poem changed my perspective on rhyming. One of the reasons I liked it so much is because you didn't use words like cat and mat, yours were much more sofisticated. Also, the rhythm seemed to pull the reader in and make them want to continue reading. With that, it makes the reader upset when it's over because we want so much another stanza or two even though it isn't needed and that extra few lines would make the poem seem to drag on. All in all great job.