Fiends in the Cafe

Trying to remain alert despite my weary form
sitting in a café amidst many sharks, all smiling,
winking, speaking in low voices.
I’m frozen, they’re moving faster than light.
Must check to make sure that I’m not bleeding,
otherwise I will never make it out of this place alive.
The chances are slim; there’s blood in the water,
and they’re staring at me again.
Play it cool, dismiss their glances,
Just order another drink,
pay no mind for now. After all,
There will be plenty of blood to give
Before the night is out.
They’re biding their time,
And I’m biding mine.

Hello there, I'm the first to comment on this, my name is, Max. This poem doesn't remind of of a cafe, in a cafe it's calm and quiet. This poem reminds of me of a Bar, or a club where everything is frantic and in a way changing. I personally think you should split it up into paragraph stanzas. But then again that's just me, it was very discriptive., maybe that's why I liked it so much, it's brilliant, but it seems to be very exciting and not calm. Good Luck, and keep writing. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Hey there, I find your poem really nice for its ....should I say atmosphere...
You turned a regular, trivial cafe into something else. The metaphor is obvious here. Your struggle with life is just on the climax here. Also loved the punctuation, but it needs a little work cause you have many pauses and that destroys the rhythm. I don't say there is too much of commas,periods,...but they're in wrong places...
Star earned...
Oh and ending is great....it makes the reader remember the poem so I salute you for this job...

Hey Krupp

Unlike Max (October Girl), I do see how this is like a cafe. The only line which would make me think otherwise is "I’m frozen, they’re moving faster than light."
This line does make me think of a hectic bar atmosphere, with a tentative person sitting in a corner, afraid of getting trampled if they try to move through the crowd.
I'd find a calmer alternative. And if you didn't mean that they were literally moving at a terrific speed, find a way to communicate that it's only figurative; that it's a metaphor.

What I like about this is the somewhat sinister feel. I'd like to see that brought out even more. I wanted to see these lines expanded on:

Must check to make sure that I’m not bleeding,
otherwise I will never make it out of this place alive.

especially the part about trying to get out of this place, and how or why you can't. Make us feel either the hopelessness, or the desperation, however this person feels about their situation. I sort of got that feeling from the words "I'm frozen" but you can make it even stronger. You could describe his actions a little as he orders another drink; maybe his hands shake, maybe he just needs something for his hands to do, maybe he's trying to get drunk, maybe he's just trying to look commonplace.
But whatever his mood, you won't lose some element of calm calculation contained in that simple last line "And I'm biding mine." It's certainly a strong ending.

You mention blood a lot, but in a way that makes me think it's not at all related. Were you going for a theme there, were all those mentions of blood about the same thing, or are they completely unconnected? If the first, make sure it's clear that it's all about the same thing. If the second, I might find different words to use, or at least make the difference between the three instances stronger.


The reviewer above me also mentioned that with the way your commas are placed cause pauses in the rhythm that you don't want. Something I always suggest is that you read your poem out loud, taking any pauses caused by punctuation into account, and then tweak and adjust your words accordingly, to make your rhythm as smooth and flawless as you possibly can.

Good job, and good luck! PM me if you ever want me to take another look at this, or you have any questions.


-Adna

This is an interesting piece, but I do not really feel the part of the cafe. The poem shows depth and how people can turn on you in the strangest ways. Excellent. Along with that, it also shows emotion of how people can feel and what they think. Keep writing! If you have any questions PM me.