In the Shadows

Heyy! I love this poem...I wish I could write something like this..Anywayz, the only real thing that I saw that was wrong with this poem was that it kept switching between the tenses...Like,
the first stanza :

I’m the person in the shadows

the one that no one knows.

Hidden by the darkness

dressed in simple peasant clothes.

This stanza is entirely in present tense, yet after that it switches to past tense for a bit..Like in :

Tears clouded your eyes

from my true reflection.

But this is my duty,

my life of deception.

That bit is in past tense and you stay with that for the next stanzas. Then, it switches back to present tense..I would keep the tense consistent throughout the poem...
Other than that great job on this and gold star for you!
fluteluvr77<3

Uhh 1-10 I'd probally give this young lad a 8. It was decent. Describe to me what I am reading. Lol. Getting info from and 11 year old is quite okward.

Harsh. Joking I just wanted to see those smiles!

OMG angels! that was SO SO SO good!

1 <3 u

angels-symphony wrote:My attempt at poetry once more. I hope it's alright xD



Killing is fairly easy
when I can turn your face pale white.
I am the misfortune fate forced upon you,
The creature of the night.


I am the dreaded monster
who feeds on human breath.
I am your destiny,
I am your fated death.

Your poem is more than alright, it's awesome!
I love the kind of dark feeling the first stanza gives, it really leaves people with a question.
I really like the second one, it's dark and mysterious, a little evil.

Overall the entire thing was really good and I loved the whole dark undertone. Does the person in the poem know the person it's written to personally or only by face and the person who its written to really has no idea they exist I feel like that part kid of contradicts itself in some parts. Well anyway its a really amazing poem gold star! And I think the title fits.

okay. I changed it a little but you don't have to listen to me


I’m the person in the shadows;

the one that no one knows.

Hidden by the darkness,

dressed in simple peasant clothes.


You may not know of me

but I certainly know you.

I move around discreetly

leaving not a single clue.


Shrouded by the shadows

I'm absorbing all the light.

I incinerate your being,

yet you don't put up a fight.


Teardrops cloud your eyes

from my true reflection.

But this who I am,

a master of deception.



Killing is so easy

when I can turn your face pale white.

I am the curse fate forced upon you -

the creature of the night.



The words you may have called me

were used countless times before.

This meager task is simple,

but it's still my evil chore.



I watch you in your love of life

and the lives of others.

But the ending is identical

for you and for your brothers.



My life, in truth, is simple:

i live only to end yours.

Rather than to open,

I am closing all your doors.



I am the dreaded monster

who feeds on human breath.

I am your destiny,

I am your fated death.

Thanks everyone for your reviews ^^ Yeah, I'm aware of the tenses, and it was fixed. Maybe it just appeared wrong for you guys.

And now I shall do a comparison with my version and the version Jemimapuddleduck wanted. I'll explain the ups and downs of your version. Thanks for helping, though

I’m the person in the shadows
the one that no one knows.
Hidden by the darkness
dressed in simple peasant clothes.

I’m the person in the shadows;
the one that no one knows.
Hidden by the darkness,
dressed in simple peasant clothes.

Okay, basically the same.


You may not know of me
but I do know of you. <--- this rhyme isn't "la-di-da" like in the version Jemima version. it's mysterious
I move around discreetly
leaving not a single clue.

You may not know of me
but I certainly know you. <--- the word "certainly" kills the whole shadow dark theme, and it's too many counts.
I move around discreetly
leaving not a single clue.

Shrouded by the shadows
I take away the light.
I incinerate your being
yet you don't put up a fight.

Shrouded by the shadows
I'm absorbing all the light. <-- darkness doesn't absorb light, then the darkness would become light. There can't be both light and dark in the same spot, one has to shrink while the other grows. And absorbing isn't a good word to use either because darkness doesn't want to eat light. It's not the Twitches world.
I incinerate your being,
yet you don't put up a fight.

Tears cloud your eyes
from my true reflection.
But this is my duty,
my life of deception.

Teardrops cloud your eyes <-- teardrops on your face don't cloud anything, because it's on your face. I used "tears" because tears are in your eyes, teardrops are on your face.
from my true reflection.
But this who I am, <--- okay, death is not "deception" death is death, no hiding that. It's death's job to deceive people, though. Which is why I put it.
a master of deception.

<--- He is a master of deception, but the Jemima version makes death seem too human. He's vague and mysterious, yes? He doesn't speak in a human manner. English maybe, but not with common human phrases.

Killing is fairly easy
when I can turn your face pale white.
I am the misfortune fate forced upon you,
The creature of the night.

Killing is so easy <-- why is death being so casual? "so" is not the word fitting to the theme.
when I can turn your face pale white.
I am the curse fate forced upon you - <-- death is not a curse, it does not linger.
the creature of the night.

The words you may have called me
are words used many times before.<-- I need to change the tense to "have been used"
This meager task is simple
but it is still my evil chore.

The words you may have called me
were used countless times before. <-- I'll admit I like countless ^^
This meager task is simple,
but it's still my evil chore.

<-- it is makes better rhythym

You all come to love life
and the lives of many others.
But the ending is the same
for you and for your brothers.

I watch you in your love of life <-- not everyone is in "a love of life" some people kill themselves or live depressed lives, but later come to love life, or the life they've lived.
and the lives of others. <-- not enough counts
But the ending is identical <---sounds like you whooped out a thesaurus, which is not good
for you and for your brothers.

My life, to be honest
was made only to end yours.
Rather than to open,
I close all of your doors.

My life, in truth, is simple: <--- The tone is ruined with the words you used, and it looks like you're embellishing it, not good.
i live only to end yours. <-- eh, this version isn't so good. It took out the note that death was made to kill others' lives.
Rather than to open,
I am closing all your doors.

<-- he's not closing doors while he's saying this. He's supposed to be describing what he does.

I am the dreaded monster
who feeds on human breath.
I am your destiny,
I am your fated death.

I am the dreaded monster
who feeds on human breath.
I am your destiny,
I am your fated death.

endings the same

Hiya Shina! Here as promised.

So! I love this poem; even though the rhyming is quite strict I think you've pulled it off in many places and I also love the idea of Death's POV. Very nice. I do have a couple of comments though (obviously ):

One thing I noticed is that in the first line you refer to death as a person, and then you go on to say it (he, she, whatever) has a life (of deception) and basically, throughout the whole poem, it's given human traits. I find that a little bit weird because obviously...death isn't human? I mean, personification can be good, but I don't think it works here. Especially the life thing, because while death can't exist without life (it's like, you can't have short without tall or light without dark), death can't actually have a life because one of the fundamental things about life is that it begins and ends, which death doesn't. Because death does the ending...if you see what I mean.

Plus, this is in third person. So death is referring to itself as human. I feel like death would be watching all the puny humans and going "ha, ha, I am kept 'alive' by ending you!" or something; feeling superior, maybe. I feel like you almost touched on this in one stanza (forget which) but then didn't continue with it, which was a little disappointing.

So...that's why I sort of like Jessica's 'master of deception' suggestion.

The other thing I noticed is that the rhythm seemed a little off in places, but it might be just me, so I'll just say that you should read it again and maybe out loud; I'm sure you've done this a thousand times, but it never hurts.

Hope this helps!
xxx

Hey Shina(mind if called like that?) I saw your poem until now,sorry. I was seeing your portfolio,and I found this one. I have to say i really like it, it's an interesting picture you gave me. Very gloomy, quite dark but I liked it. It was good poetry at least for me since I like this kind of poems. Your personification of death was cool. there were some things here and there but they were all pointed out already.

sorry, i read this til now
pudin

I think that was a really good poem. Creepy, but in a good way (or is that even possible?) well if its not you just possible! Of course I don't really know much about poems (though i'm thinking about attempting a haiku) so I wouldn't rely on me. LOL

wow. very good. i liked it alot, deep, dark, but straight and to the point, very good.

This is a really cool poem. The rhythm is even, which is something that I really look for in a poem. It should sound right when you read it out loud. Some people before me have already mentioned points and punctuation comments that I found while reading the poem, so I won't go into that.

Awesome job!

Amazing. This actually gave me the chills. Very much reminded me of the subject of the book I just finished. Very coincidental lol. Now*rubs hands together* down to business.
In a few stanzas, but only a few, your rhyming felt a BIT forced. The flow was great, but a few of your rhymes threw me off a bit. They just felt like you didn't say what you wanted to because you were "rooted" to the rhyme.

You all come to love life
and the lives of many others.
But the ending is the same
for you and for your brothers.

That was one that got me. I don't know why, but it sounded forced.

I am the dreaded monster
who feeds on human breath.
I am your destiny,
I am your fated death.

That was just my totally favorite line of the whole poem. the last two lines were captivating. They stuck in my mind, and they pulled the piece to an end so neatly, beautifully. Keep writing!

~Lukan

Dark and mysterious, I found it very interesting, you made it seem as though you were the angel of destiny or the grim reaper, this was something different, I got lost on the last couple of stanzas it seemed like you switched subjects some what,but that's not a bad thing! Very good! Can't wait for more!!