Winters Ascend

The pallid fields give no stricture. I can see through the veneer of soft haze deepening into the abyss. The wind softly whispers to the inert land waiting for the summer solstice to come and melt away the ice. But luckily today the sun is negligent. It leaves the land to perform its own opus. The sound of wind having conversations with the trees, the sun slowly chasing the moon out of hiding, and the stars dancing, embodying the sky. What more could garnish such a masterpiece?

It doesn’t need to be rational, or have a reciprocal day. It only needs this one day. Let all other thoughts drift into oblivion and enjoy the soft white snow. Not disturbing the parable being told between the stars. The story of what will befall in the morning, when the dregs of night run from the exasperated sun coming to melt away the snow. That’s the heritage of winter.

Hey Teigue. This is so short! Also, I checked in your portfolio and saw that you've already submitted many more things you've review: it's a 2:1 ratio on reviews to submissions, in case you didn't know. The more reviews you do, the more you can guilt people into doing reviews for you!

Now, onto the crit:

What more could garnish such a masterpiece?

What? Do you mean "Is there anything so wonderful?" or "What else could tune this to a masterpiece?"? Your weird sentence structures are losing me.

Well, I felt like banging my head against a wall as I read that. It's purple prose all the way, my friend. I don't like being harsh in my reviews but I really don't want you to fall into the trap of filling in a load of adjectives and random, fancy words from the thesaurus when something far simpler could fit, and much better, also. It has no real substance; poetry isn't about throwing in fancy words, it's about conveying a meaning that the reader can relate to, and doing so through interesting word choices and, occasionally, ambiguity in structures. But please, just write. The last line has some potential to it and I'm interested to see where it could go.

Let all other thoughts drift into oblivion and enjoy the soft white snow.

I've no idea what that means or how it connects with the rest of the piece whatsoever. What are you trying to say here? What does this mean? I know it's referring to the change in seasons, but how? What are the "other thoughts"? If you can answer those questions then you have a start. The thing with filling in descriptions with long, overly ornate readings is that you'll find it draws attention to itself. For example:

But luckily today the sun is negligent. It leaves the land to perform its own opus.

Why luckily? Surely, it'd be better if it were there, because then it could melt away the ice? Or is that a bad thing? The first line could be rewritten as simply: "But today the sun is gone." It flows better, is neater and tidier. An "opus" is not a word you'd use in an ordinary conversation. "Music composition" or "orchestral deviation" might be, or rather, are more natural.

My advice for you is to rewrite this as a true story, with characters, and put in imagery. I mean things like similes, comparing the world to how a certain character will interpret it. I'm not entirely sure what you're describing if you understand. By all means, go for different sentence structures and define your style, but please, put the thesaurus away.

I hope I've helped, PM me with any questions; I'd be glad to help.

Best
Blinky

Hey there,

first of all: This is very short. Do you plan on making this longer or is it a stand-alone writing exercise of sorts?

^_^ I must say though, it's short, but sweet.

I think it's excellent, but I do recommend that you take out some words and replace them with more commonly known once. Don't get me wrong, I do think you write very well, but it seems you have described everything with vocabulary that makes it slightly over the top.

Also, everything is described - maybe cut down slightly? Sometimes land is just... land, no wordy description needed. It's good that you can write like this, but don't overdo it, either.

That being said; I think the second paragraph is nicer than the first.

No nitpicks, no mistakes, just one thing I feel I should point out: what do you mean y "deepening into the abyss" ? What abyss? Elaborate on this, maybe.

I must say I'm impressed, though! Well done.

And I learned new words just now. Had to look up "pallid" and "veneer".

*Gives gold star*

XxxDo

Being new to this forum, I'm still working my reviewing process. But I shall try to be constructive: my first reaction to the piece was that it contains a myriad of very fancy words. That's not always bad, but to less experienced readers/writers it can be daunting and confusing. I think the trick to writing well is being poetic (which you are...you use beautiful imagery) without sacrificing meaning or comprehension. So in this I agree with the writer of your first review, Blink. Otherwise, your interpretation of nature and beauty is astounding. Your work could be so much more poignant if you sprinkled the breathtaking imagery throughout the piece instead of smacking the reader in the face with it all at once. Keep writing, you have talent!

Hmm! Okay a bit short, not that there is anything wrong with it it's a lovely piece full of good description and words I'm not to sure I know the meaning of...

The wind softly whispers to the inert land waiting for the summer solstice to come and melt away the ice.

The sound of wind having conversations with the trees,

Liked these lines though I'm not too sure why the trees were mentioned twice doing pretty much the same thing.

What more could garnish such a masterpiece?

Love how you sum up how amazing everything is with this line. Truth be told I like everything about this piece. I love everything about descriptive writing.

First off, I'd like to thank all of you for reviewing. I know it's short! But does everything have to be long to be good or complete? I'll be honest with all of you, I knew the fancy words are a little confusing. This was a school assignment and I had to use two vocab words per sentence ::abashed face:: Anyhow, I kind of have a twinge whenever I thought about it so here it is! I don't plan on lengthening it, but thanks for your concern and helpful words.

Hi I love pretty writing... only problem is that sometimes I have no idea what's going on. I'm a pleb when it comes to vocabulary. **opens up dictionary.com**

The pallid fields give no stricture. Er, 'stricture' apparently means to remark or restrict. Do you mean, then, that they are endless? I can see through the veneer love it of soft haze comma deepening into the abyss. The wind softly whispers to the inert land comma waiting for the summer solstice to come 'come' is so boring amid all this lovely wording--how's about 'fall by'? and melt away the ice. But luckily comma today the sun is negligent. It leaves the land to perform its own opus. The sound of wind having conversations I think 'conversing' but sound better than 'having conversations' with the trees,should be semi-colon the sun slowly chasing the moon out of hiding, semi-colon and the stars dancing, embodying the sky. What more could garnish such a masterpiece? Do you mean, how could it be improved? There could be more clarity here.


It doesn’t need to be rational, or have a reciprocal day. It only needs this one day. Let all other thoughts drift into oblivion and enjoy the soft white snow. Not disturbing the parable being told between the stars. The story of what will befall in the morning, when the dregs of night run from the exasperated sun coming to melt away the snow. That’s the heritage of winter. This paragraph ruins the mood. IMO, let the first stand alone

Right, I see what the first reviewer meant, but I believe this was fantastic. The vocabulary did make sense. It was wondrous! The imagery was beautiful.
I'm also of the thinking that this needn't have been longer. Any longer would have been long-winded? D'you know why? Because although this was short, it was brimming with imagery and description. Perfect.
The second paragraph, however, I disliked. I'm wondering if you wrote it at another time to the first? I think this solely because the tone is altered. I believe it would be far better without this addition.

Thanks for the read!
Lauren