Young Writers Society

That's a sad poem. The simplicity of the poem gives it it's own kind of feel, maybe you should try and add more reasons or emotions because it starts and ends so quickly, maybe. And also maybe the last two lines would sound better if it went :"A rope held her body up to THAT tree AND finally she was free."

Wonderful poem. I liked the entire concept! (I would, mind you)

One problem-
some of the rhymes are too forced. Like see and tree. You should make that flow smoother because it seems to have just been stuck in randomly. But you could also say, "crying out for all to see." That way your tree line would actually work.

But overall the poem was good. If you added one more stanza it could be a sonnet if you wanted to follow all the rules of a sonnet and do over the poem. (I'm not saying you should. That was just a random comment)

The rhythm in stanza two about the neighbors (note spelling) hearing her cry seemed off. You could say, and when they awoke it was too late. You implied that they were going to sleep earlier. Correct me if I'm wrong.

So, great poem you have here. I love the meaning and the overall flow and and use of figurative language.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Zyth wrote:
A little girl by the sea
Crying for all to see
She always sat under the tree.. think this would be great with underneath the tree..
Wishing that one day she could be free without one day cause the sentence is too long

Trapped in the hands of fate
The neighbours heard her cry ...who are the neighbours here?
But they just turned out the light
When morning came, it was too late This is your mistake..your making an "aabb" rhyme in first stanza and then in second you make "abba" which doesn't fit ..the rhythm is disballanced by that.

A rope held her body up to the tree
Finally, she was free

Really cute, huh? You made your point with that contrast... smoothly...too good for your age...actually excellent...I'll give you a star...

This is... plagiarism.

http://www.lyricsmania.com/lyrics/martina_mcbride_lyrics_209/other_lyrics_1052/concrete_angel_lyrics_29129.html

Read that through, people. This title, the concept, and these certain lyrics:

Trapped in the hands of fate

But they just turned out the light

When morning came, it was too late

Are verbatum from the song - or almost. I would review this if it was actually your work, but... it's not, really.

Seriously, why do people plagiarize? How can you ever feel pride in a work that's not even yours?

-SELA

This is a good poem.
I like the meaning of it. It kinda souds like you copied a Martina McBride song that i know though.

Trapped in the hands of fate

The neighbours heard her cry

But they just turned out the light

When morning came, it was too late


Those are almost the exact same words. But dont get me wrong its still a really good poem. And I think you could turn out to be a really good poet with some more practice.

Hello.

Zyth wrote:A little girl by the sea
Crying for all to see
She always sat under the tree
Wishing that one day she could be free this line is a bit too long to fit your rhyme scheme

Trapped in the hands of fate
The neighbours heard her cry
But they just turned out the light
When morning came, it was too late

A rope held her body up to the tree
Finally, she was free

This is a good concept to write about. This poem was pretty good but I had a few problems with it.

First the rhyme scheme was rather messy. The first stanza all had rhyming lines and then in the second stanza it's just the first and last line that rhymes. Consistency with the rhyme scheme would help the flow.

Ending is okay. Although it should be stronger. Make the feeling of relief in the girl stronger somehow.

I like the voice of your poem though. There's something very touching about the way you wrote it.

Keep writing. This was a great read.

--Knightly

i don't like ripping things apart, so i apologize in advance.
but i very very very VERY STRONGLY DISLIKED this poem, which is a nice way of saying i hated it pretty much. im not even going to go into punctuation and language and crap because who cares about that when what the poem is about is just crap. im sorry, okay suicide can be written about, broken hearts can be written about, but not like this.

i agree with confusingsilllylittlegirl in that this poem was much too short. you cant just introduce a person, say she's really sad, say nobody notices, and then say she kills herself. theres no time to feel anything because it happens so fast, and its so shallow a story. it has no depth.

and i REALLY hope that the very last line ("finally she was free")...well i sure hope you don't believe that. dying from depression and neglect is NOT freedom AT ALL. its a last resort for people who physically mentally or emotionally cannot live in this world, because of tragic hardships. being dead isnt good unless you know where you're going. but im not getting into that right now because thatd be an entirely different issue.

anyways, im sorry to be so frank with you, but i did not like this poem at all.

that was very interesting. I was, in a way, depressed to read this but at the end it was sort of releasing and I felt as though I was her and I had just been let go to rome in the world and be renounced as for finally good and free. I think you could have carried on with it by describing how everyone reacted or how she felt once finally free to do anything at all.

This was heart wrenching. Truly. But it was well written. It flowed pretty well. I have one word of advice. Emotion. The truth is that, while this was sad poem, there was no depth to the character. Keep writing though. I liked your style. Gold Star for you.