Untitled

ugh it's missing something, and it's weak and just so...so...eww. I hate this one.
.__________________________________________
.
When the sun slowly falls,
and the silver moon may rise,
I escape into the night
and dream about his eyes.
.
.
.
The swirling oceans of blue
are to my still heart, the key.
And these intense waters
surround black pools of mystery.
.
.
.
I dream about these eyes,
and find them at his door.
I'm captivated with his beauty,
and longing for more.
.
.
.
More
of His lovely touch
that sends warmth to my cold heart.
His divine speech
that seems a vocal work of art.
His exquisite poise
that's enclosed in ivory complexion.
His crimson mouth
that seems a luscious, rare confection.
.
.
.
But alas, he has a heart
that pumps red lakes of blood,
while mine is forever silent:
a muted threat to our closet love.
.
.
.
I steal through the night
and devise our destiny;
My dear, charming Lover,
say Goodbye to humanity.
.
.

well, anything you say is probably mild compared to the way I think of this piece so do your worst



EDITED!! not much better, but oh well

Hi there! I'm tennis! You know, I usually dread these types of poems. I think of them as twilight ripoffs, but this one actually wasn't that bad.
Let's get to it!

and longing for more.

I'd change it to, longing for some more. I don't know it just flow better.

The entire third part, where you keep repeating the word "more" gets a bit boring to read after a while. Pehaps shorten it or put the ideas in another way?

a muted threat to our closet love.

I REALLY wouldn't use the word closet as a description here. It makes it seem like all they have is a physical relationship, when that in fatc is the opposite. She can't even get near him.

I sweep into the night

and devise our destiny;

My dear, charming Lover,

say Goodbye to humanity.

That ending is also hideous (forgive me), except for perhaps the second line.
it needs some work but there's something there!
PM me for anything.
6/10

I'm more of the actual poetry critic side of reviews instead of the grammar. There are enough members out there to do that. I like your poem. It captures the feeling of being hypnotized by a vampire. The actual wanting and desiring and lusting of it. What mite be missing is the letting go of that forbidden love or never ever leaving that thought of leaving that vampire lust. It is not my place to correct your wording or spelling. But it is my place to tell you how to find it. Find that deepest emotion you have in the poem and just do free word association. I know my reviews aren't so helpful with the writing part of it but being a writer myself I understand how frustrating it is to write a poem and get your feeling done on paper but not to the exact word. Free word association helps you figure out what you word you exactly want. Write all the words that you come up with and choose the best. You can Pm me if you have any other questions.

tennisprincess wrote:Hi there! I'm tennis! You know, I usually dread these types of poems. I think of them as twilight ripoffs, but this one actually wasn't that bad.
Let's get to it!

and longing for more.

I'd change it to, longing for some more. I don't know it just flow better.

The entire third part, where you keep repeating the word "more" gets a bit boring to read after a while. Pehaps shorten it or put the ideas in another way?

a muted threat to our closet love.

I REALLY wouldn't use the word closet as a description here. It makes it seem like all they have is a physical relationship, when that in fatc is the opposite. She can't even get near him.

I sweep into the night

and devise our destiny;

My dear, charming Lover,

say Goodbye to humanity.

That ending is also hideous (forgive me), except for perhaps the second line.
it needs some work but there's something there!
PM me for anything.
6/10

tennis, the closet love part means how they've kept it hidden. you know, how you keep stuff in the closet?? it's a figure of speech, not all the physical guy girl stuff haha
but thank you for your crit!! (by the way, this had nothing to do with twilight. while I like the series, I would not go so far as to write a poem about it. )

oh yea, Nai-Xi! thank you for your review too!!
guess I'll be goin now....

XoXo~AsH

Hey! Mars here to review. Let's get started, shall we?

***
When the sun slowly falls,
and the silver moon may rise,
I escape into the night
and dream about his eyes.
***
Okay, so I'm not really sure why you have the stars there? I assume you wanted to separate this stanza from the rest? But I don't think you really need them. But anyway.
The swirling oceans of blue
are to my still heart, the key.So I know you need this key to rhyme with mystery. But it sounds so weird! Are to my still heart, the key. You know? It's what's called inverted language, because it's out of order. And it's okay, except that the rest of the poem is in straightforward language, so this jars the reader and makes me go, huh? So I don't like it.
And these intense waters
surround black pools of mystery. I do like this. A lot.

I dream about these eyes,
and find them at his door.
I'm captivated with his beauty, Too many syllables, I think. It messes up the rhythm. {If you're ever unsure about the rhythm of your poem, read it out loud a few times and you'll see what works and what doesn't.} While captivated is a good word, it's too long for this line...or you could change one of the other words, whatever.
and longing for more.
More
of His lovely touch
that sends warmth to my cold heart.
More
of His divine speech
that seems a vocal work of art. A ha ha, I like this line!
More
of His exquisite poise
that's enclosed in ivory complexion.
More
of His crimson mouth
that seems a luscious, rare confection.
Pretty, pretty words. I do like this part. I just want to make sure: by capitalized His, you're like, comparing him to God, right? Since pronouns referring to God are always capitalized. Also...I'm not sure that I like each More having its own line? It gets kind of repetitive and annoying. In fact, you don't even need them all. You could even delete all the Mores, except the first one, and all the of's, except the first one. I don't know, see what you think. I just don't think you need it for every thing.
But alas, he has a heart
that pumps red lakes of blood,
while mine is forever silent:
a muted threat to our closet love.
I like this too. The first indication we get that one of the lovers is supernatural (besides the title). And I think it's interesting, because we usually assume the male to be the vamp, probably thanks to Twilight in part! But yeah, nice.
***
I sweep into the night
and devise our destiny;
My dear, charming Lover,
say Goodbye to humanity.
***
I like this stanza a lot too. No suggestions. Except I still don't know why the stars are there - I think they distract from the words, which is never a good thing.
well, anything you say is probably mild compared to the way I think of this piece so do your worst

Sorry it took me so long to get to this! If you need to, you can always give me a poke to remind me. Anyway, as you could tell, I do like this a lot. I kind of cringed when I read the title, expecting another OMG EDWARD CULLEN IS SO HAWT! thing. But I was pleasantly surprised! So good job. The part with the Mores was the only part that really bothered me, and that was just a small reformatting issue...so yes! And the beginning was a little rocky. Just read it out loud a few times. I saw that to everyone, but so many writers don't take the time to reread their work, and it really does make a difference! Oh, I'm rambling. Anyway, nice job! PM me if you have questions or whatever.

-Mars

break~my~heart wrote:ugh it's missing something, and it's weak and just so...so...eww. I hate this one.
__________________________________________

When the sun slowly falls,
and the silver moon may rise,
I escape into the night
and dream about his eyes.
(delete this double space)

The swirling oceans of blue
are to my still heart, the key.
And these intense waters
surround black pools of mystery.<--- This line doesn't really fit in well and ruins the whole flow of the poem. I thin adding the word "shrouded" before mystery might help.

I dream about these eyes, <--- Change "these" to "those"
and find them at his door.
I'm captivated with his beauty,
and longing for more.
More
of His lovely touch
that sends warmth to my cold heart.
His divine speech
that seems a vocal work of art.
His exquisite poise
that's enclosed in ivory complexion.
His crimson mouth
that seems a luscious, rare confection.

But alas, he has a heart
that pumps red lakes of blood,
while mine is forever silent(;)
a muted threat to our closet love.
(delete double space)

I steal through the night
and devise our destiny(.)
My dear, charming Lover,
say Goodbye to humanity.


well, anything you say is probably mild compared to the way I think of this piece so do your worst



EDITED!! not much better, but oh well

Shina here I'll be your reviewer today.

As you can see I fixed a few things in the actualy poem, but most of your conventions were pretty good and your writing was legible and fairly easy to understand.

When it came to the stanza where you rhymed "key" with "mystery", I didn't think it flowed correctly. I added another word because I thought it would fix the flow, but perhaps something different might work better.

Overall, great work. You should give yourself more credit. Be more confident! No one will respect your writing unless you respect yourself first ;P

~Shina