Steps.

This is the first poem I've published here and it's not my usual kind of poem, so I'm a little nervous..


Steps;
blocks of concrete stone.
Steps;
on which I wait alone.

Abandoned;
the rain washes my face.
Abandoned;
wallowing in my disgrace.

Dazed;
as you left me hanging on the phone.
Dazed;
as you placed me on this concrete throne.

Afraid;
to call and apologize.
Afraid;
that you will not rationalize.

Steps;
from which I grieve.
Steps;
from where your forgiveness will never be achieved.

Hey, let me just say, I find this piece remarkable! I'm dd9 by the way, and on this night, I will be reviewing this wonderful piece of poetry.

First of all, I must admit that it's hard for me to review pieces I love. And considering I love this piece, I apologize if you find it somehow inadequate. Onward march to the critiques.

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Steps;

blocks of concrete stone.

Steps;

on which I wait alone. this is a very strong beginning. It's written clearly and presicely, making it easy to understand.



Abandoned;

the rain washes my face.

Abandoned;

wallowing in my disgrace.



Dazed;

as you left me hanging on the phone.

Dazed;

as you placed me on this concrete throne.



Afraid;

to call and apologize.

Afraid;

that you will not rationalize. I think that because you go on to say that you will not forgive him, that you should delete the "not". This can go two ways though: if you say "not rationalize" than the other person is not listening to the narrator but if you say "rationalize" than the other person is rationalizing their own actions. So in essence, it's up to you and what message you want to send.



Steps;

from which I grieve.

Steps;

from where your forgiveness will never be achieved.

I really liked this. Sometimes repition can be over used, but you used it perfectly. It served its point and was only used in moderatin. I thought this showed real writing talent and discpline. Congrats! This is a very hard thing to do and to do it well is even harder. I think you have done very well with this piece. There may be some corrections and editing needed, but you do have a great start.

If you have any questions, please PM! I'm always willing to help a fellow writer in need.

-dd9

Thank you! I really appreciated your criticism! I'll fix up that one line because I agree with your advice.

-Avery. (:

I have to say, I really enjoyed reading this. I am typically not a fan of either reetition or rhyming, but you did both very well here. The rhyming did not feel forced at all, and the poem had a very good flow to it overall. My only teeny tiny nitpick is that I feel that the last line is a bit too long for the rest of the stanza and messes up the rhythm just a bit. I'm not sure how you would do it, but try to maybe make it a little shorter if possible. Very nice poem! (Welcome to YWS by the way)

I really liked this. Other than some nitpicky things like the rhythm, it was and is really good.

Steps;

blocks of concrete stone.

Steps;

on which I wait alone. Nice rhyming. Unlike me, you seem to have a real talent for rhyming poems.
I'm better at ones that don't rhyme.



Abandoned;

the rain washes my face.

Abandoned;

wallowing in my disgrace. Once again, great rhyming. You have the talents, girl!



Dazed;

as you left me hanging on the phone.

Dazed;

as you placed me on this concrete throne. I might try to shorten these two longish lines so that the poem flows better, since the lines in the other verses are shorter with less beats. Just a thought.



Afraid;

to call and apologize. This line for some reason bugs me: I keep thinking it has too many beats, yet I can't find any other way to phrase what you said.

Afraid;

that you will not rationalize.



Steps;

from which I grieve.

Steps;

from where your forgiveness will never be achieved. This is the toughest part; you see, while all the other lines are about the same length in each verse, this long line here doesn't fit the line "from which I grieve" up there. Yet, logically speaking, it's sort of supposed to be like that, so as to finish the poem and "wrap things up" as they say. So I don't really know what to say about this one. Just use your imagination and something will come to you, right?

So, overall, a really great poem. Great rhyming, great imagery, and great wording. Just a very nitpicky thing here or there and that was it. GREAT JOB!!!