You kept me alive

MySunshine · 2009-02-10T17:27:49Z

Author's Note 04/27/09 So, here's finally the third version of the prologue. I'm really sorry it's taken so long - I've been letting myself get distracted by other stuff ... Next update will take a while. School's kicking me around the place, and I have tons of stuff to do for that, so I don't have a lot of time to continue writing. But I'll try to do it as soon as possible! I hope this version is an improvement to the other one. If yes, I'm happy. If not, let me know what I can change. Again, please look for any grammar/spelling mistakes or weird sentence structure ;) Reviews/Criticisms/Comments are much appreciated! Hugs and kisses, MySunshine --- You kept me alive - Prologue [Third Edited Version] It was the end of a long day of practice – of going through her performance for the next competition, perfecting all the jumps and spins and spirals on ice – and Alizée Carson was looking forward to an relaxing evening with her boyfriend Peter. Just as she packed her ice skates into her training bag, her phone buzzed loudly in her pocket, telling her she'd just received a message. Ali, remember, you're supposed to come over tonight ; ) If you do forget, I'm gonna be crushed and will probably screw up at the hockey game tomorrow. Don't want that to happen, right? So see you later. Love you, P. Smiling, she texted him back that no, this time she wouldn't forget and was just about to head out. “See you tomorrow, guys,” she called and exited the ice rink. The night was warm for a night in early winter, and she decided to take the route through the park, although it was known to be a dangerous place, especially at this time of the day. But she enjoyed walking through the park and it was a shortcut to Peter's. There were only a few weak street lamps lightening up the dark, and the slight breeze made the shadows of the trees dance around as if they were alive. As far as she could tell, she was the only one there. Straightening the strap of her training bag over her shoulder, she hummed the melody of the song she had chosen for her performance. Even after years of ice skating, she still thought it odd that hours of practice could make her feel so much at ease. Especially now that she'd won various important competitions in figure skating and the press had taken interest in her, she found peace just by gliding on the ice. However, that didn't mean her feet were okay after she'd practiced her moves on ice for six hours with barely any breaks. Spotting a bench nearby, she made a beeline for it, sat down and took off her sneakers to massage them. A sound somewhere close to her caused her to freeze, but there was nothing. Shrugging, she continued massaging, and wondered what Peter was up to. He had been acting strange for a while. Well, not strange exactly, but very suspicious. Sometimes, she caught him looking at her in a weird way, but he always denied that when she mentioned it. Other times, she had the feeling he and Nora, her best friend, had conspired against her, because they were always on the phone with each other, their voices low and hushed, or sitting closely together, whispering into each other's ears and stopping immediately when she entered the room. That made her extremely curious, but Peter was good at keeping secrets and wouldn't tell her. Was it something for their three-year-anniversary, maybe? It was only a few weeks away, but they had agreed to stick to a romantic dinner, so she thought it unlikely. He and Nora weren't having an affair behind her back, then, were they? She mentally shook her head, calling herself an idiot. Her family and friends always told her how obvious Peter's love for her was, and it was apparent to her, as well. There was no way … Attempting to get that disturbing thought out of her head, she decided to go through her routine again as best as she could here. Humming the tune, she closed her eyes and twisted and turned, minus the glides on the ice in between. She was almost done when her phone rang. It was Peter. “Ali, where are you?” The worry was apparent in his voice. “I thought you were coming over right after practice. You're almost an hour late.” Surprised, she took a look at her watch – it was indeed nearly nine o'clock. “I'm sorry, Peter, I totally forgot the time. I was practicing a little more in the park, but I'll be-” “At the park? Ali, it's nine, it's dark and I'm pretty sure no one else is around. What are you thinking? You know it's dangerous there, especially at night.” “Alright,” she sighed. “I'll be on my way now.” “No, stay,” Peter told her. “I'll just come pick you up. Do not move an inch, and do not talk to anybody until I'm there, okay?” She sighed again. “Okay, Peter.” “Good. See you then. Love you.” He hung up. Knowing him, he would probably be here in half the time it would usually take – approximately twenty minutes. Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw someone walk in her direction, but she put it off as someone who had also decided to take a walk. About to pick up her bag, she stopped again when she heard a male voice. “What's a pretty girl like you doing here at this time?” Her eyes scanned her environment, but there was only that person she had vaguely seen just a minute ago. He continued walking towards her now, but she chose to ignore him and meet Peter. She took her bag in her hand and turned around, only to find him suddenly stand there, barely a feet away, looming like a tower over her. He was dressed exclusively in black, his dark hair falling almost into his eyes, the shadow of the night concealing most of his face. “You shouldn't be out so late. Something might happen to you,” he continued, and she noticed the almost ironic undertone in his voice. An amused glint appeared in his eyes. “Don't you have someone worrying about you?” She was too scared to answer and she knew she couldn't run from him. With his long legs and agile built, he would catch her easily, and besides, she felt immobilized. She doubted her feet would move, even if she wanted them to. Where is Peter , she thought frantically. He would be able to help her, fight that stranger off without difficulty. Where is Peter? Slowly, the amusement in his eyes vanished and was replaced with a coldness that sent a shiver down her spine. He raised his hand, and the lamplight caught on the object he held in his hand, an object she hadn't seen before. A gun. She opened her mouth to scream, even got her feet to moving away, but his free hand shot out with blinding speed, gripping her wrist, at the same time she felt a blinding pain explode in her head that plunged her into darkness. *** Voices penetrated the fog in her head. They seemed to come from far away, and she tried to shake of the drowsiness to be able to hear, but it didn't help. “Wake up, Ali,” a teasing male voice said. “I have a surprise for you.” She instinctively shrank away, but found her arms were tied and she couldn't move. What was happening? The voice spoke again. “Wake up.” No , she wanted to say, even scream, but she couldn't find her voice. It felt as if her tongue was glued to the mouth, as if the word got stuck somewhere in her throat. What was she doing here? Why was she tied up? Everything from the time after the mysterious man in the park had knocked her unconscious to now was a blur. Only bits and pieces of unbelievable pain inside her head, in her arms, her wrists and the pit of her stomach. It was like a completed puzzle that had been destroyed again. She managed to open her eyes, and after a few blinks, her vision cleared and she found herself on a large bed, surrounded by little fluffy pillows. A soft blanket was covering her. Confused, she took in her environment; the room was rather large – it was painted in a dark blue color, the closet and old-fashioned desk of heavy oak adding to the rather bleak atmosphere. There was a small TV at the foot of the bed that was set on a low table, its screen and case layered with dust. A show of sorts had been paused. She noticed bags full of fluid and little bottles, as well as a half-filled water bottle, on the nightstand to her right. Two bags were hanging on a pole that was standing next to the bed, the tubes leading to her hand. Finally, her gaze fell on the man sitting at the edge of her bed, regarding her with an interested, vaguely satisfied smile. It was the first time she saw him in light – or at least she didn't remember seeing him before – and somehow, surprisingly, she couldn't take her eyes off him. His hair was a dark brown, slightly wavy and mussed, his eyes of a light gray color that made her think of death. He sported a mustache on his upper lip, and a faint scar run along his left cheek from his jaw to his eyebrow. He smiled at her. “Hello, Ali.” How do you know my name? , she thought, even felt her lips moving in sync with the words, but nothing came out. What was wrong with her? The smile grew wider. “So you can't speak? Interesting.” He took out a small notebook and a pen and wrote something down. “Do you think it's because you haven't talked for a long time, or because of something else?” She just stared at him, his questions confusing her. “Something else,” he answered the question himself and scribbled again. Then he put the notebook away and focused his attention on her. “I guess I should reduce the amount of the medications,” he told her, his voice amiable, as if he were talking about the weather. “You've been slipping in and out, and even when you were conscious, you were too drugged to notice anything. But now your head's clear, right?” Not knowing what else to do, she nodded her head. “I have a surprise for you,” he repeated his earlier words. Picking up the remote control of the TV, he pressed a button and the screen turned blue. At the same time, the VCR came to life with a buzzing sound. “I recorded it, seeing that you wouldn't have been able to see it in your condition. I thought you might like to see the news.” He pointed to the TV and she heard the familiar melody of the local news channel. The man fast forwarded the first few notifications. When he pressed 'Play' again, she saw a picture of herself that must have been taken during one of her performances. "One month has passed and there is still no news concerning the disappearance of Alizée Carson, young and famous figure skater, who was last seen on December 1st near Haysfield Park in Chicago, Illinois. Her boyfriend, hockey player Peter Mills, had found her training bag abandoned near a park bench and called the police ..." One month? She had been gone for a whole month? The news reporter continued. This time, it showed Peter in his hockey jersey. "Peter Mills, left winger of the Chicago Blackhawks, has just announced his return to the NHL. Mills had taken off the past month to dedicate his time to the search of Alizée Carson that, as of now, is futile." The screen went black again. “Interesting, isn't it?” the man asked. “I thought so. You're probably wondering what you're doing here and why I chose you. I'll tell you,” he continued without actually waiting for her answer. “You're my test subject. As a soon-to-be doctor, I should know all effects of all medications, right? I'm testing it on you, but don't worry – I did some research on all the meds I'm using to prevent overdosing you, and as further prevention, I make sure to give you only a minimum.” Test subject? If she were able to, she would have attacked him. He was abusing and drugging her to see her reaction to it? A hysterical laugh bubbled up, and she barely managed to swallow it back. He might write hysteria down as a side effect , she thought to herself, the hysteria giving way to bitterness. “You're just perfect for it – young, healthy, athletic. I checked your background,” he added, obviously satisfied with the 'progress'. His next words seemed to be more for himself, not for her to hear, “I wonder whether you'll still be able to do figure skating after this.” She tried to cling to that – if he wondered whether she would still be able to do figure skating, he must be thinking of letting her go sooner or later. The ring of the doorbell sounded deafening in the otherwise silent room. The man got up and watched her for a while. “I'm going to go downstairs and see who that is. I don't have to lock the door, do I? I don't mind that, but I'd rather not. If you promise me to be a good girl and keep silent, I'll leave the door open and let you clear your head. I think it'd be better if I let the drugs wear off – as I said, I don't want to overdose you.” He waited for a moment. “So, do you promise?” Instead of answering, she strained against the ropes around her wrists, trying to tell him without words to loosen them, but they chafed on her skin, causing waves of fiery pain to explode from her wrist and spread all over her body. She bit back a scream. He sounded almost apologetic when he said, “I'm sorry, but I can't do that. I promise, though, that I'll take care of your wounds there when I'm back.” He was already gone when she noticed he hadn't waited for her answer and left the door open anyways. She strained her ears to hear – she could make out two male voices, but couldn't really distinguish them from each other as they sounded too alike, and she couldn't understand what they were saying. She heard the sound of footsteps – as far as she could tell, both men were coming upstairs. Panic took over. Did he mean to show her off? Show the 'progress' of his study? “You could have told me” - this time, she recognized the voice of the soon-to-be-doctor -, “and I would have brought the script over to you.” The other voice seemed to be vaguely familiar and, compared to the doctor's, had a more comforting, soothing tone to it. She couldn't really explain it, except that while she thought of pain and agony when she heard the doctor's voice, this one made her think of safety and sanctuary. The footsteps and voices faded away, so she assumed they were moving away from her. Should she do something? Scream for help or at least make a sound for the 'guest' to know she was there? This was the first time she was awake and had an opportunity to get help. But what if that didn't work? What if the other guy already knew about her, strangely enough approved of this, and didn't care? That doctor-guy had told her he would pump her full of drugs if she tried anything. But wasn't it worth a try? She looked around herself to find something that would make some noise and that she was able to reach. Her gaze locked on the little bottles on the nightstand and the pole with the fluid bags, but she wouldn't be able to upset them – she could barely move her hands. That only left the bed and herself, because she still couldn't find her voice. She arched her back and writhed around as best as she could, but disappointingly, the bed didn't creak at all. For a moment, she lay there, staring up at the ceiling and even contemplating to give up and just let that doctor-guy do with her what he wanted to. But then she saw Peter's face before her – remembered how he'd always smiled at her and then the bleak and desperate look on his face in the news. She wanted to try, at least once, for him. She threw her head back to examine the ropes and was shocked to see that the skin on her wrist was chafed to the point it was bleeding from several wounds. Her body – especially her neck – protested soon against this position and there was already a crick in her neck, as well. The two men were coming back – she could hear them talking again. In an desperate attempt to attract the attention of the doctor's friend, she tugged hardly at the ropes and the same fiery pain from earlier shot out. A moan escaped her lips. Silence. Then, “What was that?” “What do you mean?” the doctor asked, but it was apparent he knew what she was up to. “Didn't you hear that? It was something like a moan.” “What?” he said with a laugh, but she could detect traces of anger beneath the friendly tone. “You must be overtired, buddy. Go home and get a good rest.” She wanted to scream in frustration when they went downstairs. However, the frustration was soon replaced with fear when she heard the ominous sound of footsteps coming back up. He stood at the door, the glint in his eyes resembling the one he'd had in the park. “What did I tell you?” There was no trace of friendliness left – only coldness. “You made him suspicious, and we can't have that.” He moved to her nightstand, picked up one of the bottles and an injection and filled the latter with discomfortingly much liquid. As he made an attempt to inject it into her bloodstream, she tried to move away, but of course, that was impossible. He gripped her arm, straightened it and pushed the needle deep into the bend of her arm. Almost immediately, she could feel something like a heavy blanket settling over her. Her eyes drooped, then closed. Just before blackness completely swallowed her, she heard his voice: “Sleep well, Ali.”

Moriah Leila

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Fri Feb 27, 2009 4:10 am

Moriah Leila says... · Fri Feb 27, 2009 4:10 am

I didn't read any of the previous comments before me, so if I repeat something I apologize. Also, I am not going to attempt to correct your grammar since I am not strong in that department. I got a couple nitpicks:

It only made [s]every part of[/s] her body hurt more.

Endless seconds of pain and agony of not being able to fight or defend herself.

Instead of telling us that she is enduring pain and has no way of defending herself, can you show us? You already talk about the ropes chafing her wrists and her body aching. But maybe you can be more specific, does her neck have a crick in it from being in the same position over time? Are her arms hurting from being tied to the bed? Does she have to pee? Is she thirsty? Hungry? I'd like all of this to be covered.

“Really? [s]You must be imagining things.[/s] Maybe it's [s]only[/s] the house. God knows, it's twice as old as I am.”

I think this dialouge flows better, and sounds more natural.

She couldn't remember how she had gotten here.

This seems weird to me, since you describe how the girl was abducted, which means she does remember, at least part of how she got there. She may not remember the drive there, but that's not really important.

It was the end of her practice and she packed her skates into her training bag.

I would reword this sentence to say something like: She had just finished her practice and was packing her ice skates into her training bag.

“See you tomorrow, guys!” she called to the others and [s]made her way to the[/s] exited [s]of[/s] the ice rink.

The changes I made to this sentence I think help it flow better.

The night was still young and fresh, so she decided to take the route to the park again, even though her father always scolded her, reminding her of how dangerous it was to be alone in the park as a girl.

Young and fresh sounds redundant. Why don't you say the night was still warm, that'd make more sense. Also, this is one extremely long run-on sentence. See if there isn't a place that you can break the sentence up into two sentences.

But she enjoyed walking through the park and the route to Peter was closer this way as well.

This is the second time you have used route in the same paragraph. I really don't like redundancies. Also I felt like the sentence was worded awkwardly. Maybe you could say: But she enjoyed walking through the park and it was a shortcut to Peter's.

she found peace just by sliding on the ice with her eyes closed.

Sliding doesn't seem like quite the right word. I think gliding would fit better.

Overall: I think this story has major potential. I really like the plot and your characters seem real enough. However, you do have a habit of telling us instead of showing. For instance, you give us a huge info dump about Ali and Peter's relationship. That's bad. Instead of giving us all that info all at once, break it up. Have Ali think about her relationship with Peter when she is being held captive. Have her go back in time and relive memories she had with him. That way you can show us their relationship in a way that isn't overwhelming. Plus I think that will help you beef up your characters and get them connecting with your audience. Hopefully that helped, and if you need any more reviewed you know where to find me!!

I am not addicted to reading, I can quit as soon as I finish one more chapter.

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MySunshine

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Fri Feb 27, 2009 8:03 pm

MySunshine says... · Fri Feb 27, 2009 8:03 pm

Evi
Thank you so much for your review

I really appreciate it!

Well, my parents are both Korean, but I was born here in Germany, so I'm more fluent in German than I am in Korean ^^

A major thanks for the link! I do have lots of problems with punctuation - I confuse the German and the English one quite often, so I tend to use the German rules when I write in English and vice versa ...
I'll be sure to check that out whenever I write

Wow, you really did give a detailed review

Thank you for pointing out all the unclear stuff - I'll try to rewrite them as best as I can!

*gives major hug*
Again, thanks a load for the review!!

asxz
No problem ^^ Thank you so much!

Sorry about all the confusing sentences; I'm working on another rewrite with the help of all the helpful reviews I got

Jeez, I notice now how many 'typos' I have *hides in a corner* Sorry about that again.
As for Parker ... I should have know that would happen, as I was kind of dumb and named a character in another story Parker -_-
I corrected that immediately!

Thanks

Well, I was always interested in English, and spending a high school year in the States helped a lot, too.
It wasn't harsh at all, I think. Very thorough and helpful. I'll try to consider everything you said for following chapters!

Thanks again!

Moriah Leila
Thanks for the review

Thanks also for correcting all that - all my teachers tell me I have a problem with run-on sentences, and I don't know how to change that ^^"

Well, I was a little unsure about writing too much, because it's a prologue and I didn't want it to be too long. But I'll make sure to explain more, 'show' as you've said

, when I rewrite it.

Thank you!

♥And if you go, I wanna go with you. And if you die, I wanna die with you♥

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IdunnSofie

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Sun Mar 01, 2009 10:36 am

IdunnSofie says... · Sun Mar 01, 2009 10:36 am

Wow, this was really good! I'm not so good at giving reviews, and now everyone has already "taken" everything there might have been to correct, so I really just wanted to say that I loved to read this.

The only thing I can think of is that the beginning is very confusing. But that only really made me more interested and stuff, and I'm guessing there will be more on this story?
If not then you should have explained the beginning better, and if you are planning to write more (Or already have?) then you should leave it confusing =)

Anyways; great work! *Thumbs up*

I never really needed you to love me back. You existed, and that was enough.
Please keep existing.

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Nutty

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Sun Mar 01, 2009 10:47 am

Nutty says... · Sun Mar 01, 2009 10:47 am

Hey!

You kept me alive. Every time I thought that this would be it, this time the pain ... everything would surely kill me, I heard your voice, and I knew you were with me. I knew, if I could hold on just a little longer, you would come and save me.

His voice penetrated the fog in her head. She tried to shake it off completely, but that didn't help. It only made every part of her body hurt more.

Hrmm, something is off here. As I was reading, I came to 'come and save me.' and thought that was the end, only to look down and see the next line may or may not be linked to the former one. Is the line in italics the voice? If so, it shouldn't be a new paragraph, as the first line of a paragraph should be able to stand on its own. If it's not, and another voice entirely, then clarify. State what she could hear, to avoid confusion.

Endless seconds of pain and agony of not being able to fight or defend herself.

Okay, I can read this two ways. It could be either:

Endless seconds of pain, and agony of not being able to fight or defend herself.
This is saying that there is pain, and not being to fight is causing agony.

The other way is

Endless seconds of pain and agony; of not being able to fight or defend herself.
This is saying there is endless seconds pain and agony, and endless seconds of not being able to fight or defend herself.

The night was still young and fresh, so she decided to take the route to the park again, even though her father always scolded her, reminding her of how dangerous it was to be alone in the park as a girl.

This sentence is a little long, what you want to do is keep one idea to a sentence. Here you have that the night was young and fresh, that she decided to take the park route home, that her father scolded her and reminded her it was dangerous. You could have three sentences, but two would suffice:

The night was still young and fresh, so she decided to take the route through the park again. Her father always scolded her for walking that way, reminding her that it was dangerous for a girl to be alone in the park.

But she enjoyed walking through the park and the route to Peter was closer this way [s]as well[/s].

The 'as well' isn't needed. Unnecessary words slow down your plot and distract the reader, taking away from the effectiveness of the sentence.

Overall, this is actually quite interesting. I enjoyed it.

What I suggest you do is show her emotional reactions more clearly. Think about what happens when you are scared, your palms sweat, you tremble, you breathe shallow and fast. Inserting descriptions like this can really portray an emotion without you having to state what the emotion is.

An example:

Tremors ran through my flesh, my muscles tensing. I could feel my heart shuddering within my chest, trying to escape the confines of bone and flesh. My tongue flicked out to run across my dry lips, which ached from being pressed together tight against the emotion threatening to escape. I took a shuddering breath, my nerves alight, and stepped out into the light.

Is better then saying "I was so nervous I was shaking", right?

Other then that, you have a really interesting little prologue here. Well done.

-Nutty

It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache.

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Sela Locke

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Sun Mar 01, 2009 6:15 pm

Sela Locke says... · Sun Mar 01, 2009 6:15 pm

AHAHAH, I'm back! -gigglesevilly-

A noise like a tree branch snapping under someone's shoes disrupted the peaceful silence of the park, and she whirled around and saw a tall figure standing a few feet behind her in the shadows. Judging by the build, it had to be a man. He was dressed exclusively in black, and his hair seemed to be a dark color also. She couldn't see his face clearly, as the shadows mostly concealed it, but she did see the glint in his eyes. He was looking at her as if she were his prey.

She wanted to flee. To run towards the street, run towards Peter who was on his way, but she couldn't move. He came to her, slowly, seeming to taunt her, daring her to run.

He towered over her when he finally stopped right in front of her. A slow smile curved his lips, and he lifted a hand.

She opened her mouth to scream for help, but his hand covered her mouth and nose with blinding speed. Just as she had realized that he had a cloth in his hand that was soaked in a sweet-smelling liquid, everything went dark.

Well, I don't have much to say. It gets better every time, and the only none-nitpicking thing that really bugged me was the fact that he didn't speak. If it were my story, I'd have him chatting away with her as if they were old friends - but maybe that's not his character, I wouldn't know. It's just that, well, the whole "I'M TOTALLY SILENT AND I'M GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT WITHOUT A WORD JUST BY BEING BIG AND TALL AND DARK AND STUFFING SOME WEIRD-SMELLING CLOTH INTO YOUR FACE," seems cliche, expected. I'd make him drag it out a bit, maybe even make him act 'nice' to get her off her guard, and then when she like, turns to check the road and see if Peter's coming yet, he knocks her over the head from behind or something. That would be a little more exciting, I think.

Anyways, good job! This was much better. Can't wait to see the third revised edition! ^_^

-SELA

Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest

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Mars

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Mon Mar 02, 2009 7:31 pm

Mars says... · Mon Mar 02, 2009 7:31 pm

Hi, MySunshine. I'm (finally) here as requested, and really sorry that it took so long!

So, I must be honest - I really only have a couple of things to point out here, and I haven't read the other reviews, so perhaps I'm repeating them. I'll get to those right after I tell you that it was creepy (in a good way) and well-written and I loved it.

There.

Now, the first thing I noticed is that you have a lot of pronouns, and lots of pronouns can get confusing. I love that you don't tell us their names right away, especially since she wouldn't know her kidnapper's, but it would be better if you could describe him - say, he has dark hair or something. And then in her head, she could call him by that feature. EG, Dark Hair said, blah blah blah! Mustache nodded. You know? Just as a way of clarifying, without giving up their actual names. Otherwise you end up with He was talking to him and it doesn't sound good.

Secondly, when you go into the flashback - I think you did this at the end, but not the beginning - you change the tense of the first couple verbs. Instead of It was the end of her practice and she packed her skates into her training bag. it should be It had been the end of her practice and she'd packed her skates into her training bag. I know you're not a native English speaker, but you have to change the tense so that it's clear that it's a flashback - then you leave the rest of it as it is, then at the end you do the tense thing again with the last verb. It can be confusing >.< but otherwise, the reader is left going, huh? She was just being kidnapped! So yeah.

Okay, that's the actual critiquing done. But (and maybe this is just my preference) I would love to see more atmosphere, more description, more...more! Not necessarily the people - although, like I mentioned above, you could name them that way - but what does her torture room look like? Smell like? How do the voices sound? Gravelly, soft, barking? Is her bed hard or lumpy or squishy or...you get the idea. It's just that, since she's been in here, she'd have time to notice everything, and I think it would really help the mood of the piece if you could give us a little more of that.

To sum up:
:arrow:

Pronouns.

Tenses.

Mood.

So, as I said already, I think is a great start, it definitely has enough intrigue to keep me reading! Hope this helped, PM me if you have any questions (and again, I'm sorry it took so long).
-Mars

'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats

critiques // nano

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MySunshine

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Mon Mar 02, 2009 9:55 pm

MySunshine says... · Mon Mar 02, 2009 9:55 pm

IdunnSofie
Thank you so much for your review

I'm really glad you liked this!

Yes, there will definitely be more to this

It's just the prologue now, and I've already written a few chapters, but right now, I'm trying to make the prologue as perfect as possible, so there won't be anything new yet. Sorry about that!

Hope you come back for the next chapter - or the revised prologue, maybe?

Nutty
Thanks for reviewing!

I'm rewriting the prologue right now, and I hope it'll be done soon

Sela Locke
Thank you for the review ^^
I'm glad it's getting better

Hopefully, after a few more rewrites, it'll be as close to perfect as possible

Mars
Thanks a load for taking the time for reviewing

I'm glad it was creepy, because that's the way I wanted it to be (although I guess I have to work on that a little more

)

Yes, I'm trying to make more clearer who of the guy is who. I have to admit even I did get confused, which is a really bad thing ...
I'm also working on the descriptions and I hope it'll be better then

It would be awesome if you came back to check out the revised prologue and the chapters that'll follow

Thank you guys, you're so awesome!

MySunshine

♥And if you go, I wanna go with you. And if you die, I wanna die with you♥

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Ember

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Mon Mar 02, 2009 10:18 pm

Ember says... · Mon Mar 02, 2009 10:18 pm

I think this was an interesting piece- plot is definitely your strong point. I was like 'Oh my gosh!' when she actually got kidnapped like Peter and her father said.

Though, you could do a bit of work on details. I liked Evi's suggestions about setting, but I also wanted to know about the emotions that your MC was feeling. I wanted to know how your MC went through content (at the park) to annoyance (with Peter) to fear (with being kidnapped). You might want to get into some detail about how she was feeling throughout this whole thing, and what the setting looked like. It could come alive a lot more if you could describe things better.

But overall, I love your ideas! I think that this could turn out to be an awesome piece of writing!

Message me when you have the next installment!

-Ember

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KailaMarie

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Sat Mar 14, 2009 6:26 pm

KailaMarie says... · Sat Mar 14, 2009 6:26 pm

I absolutely loved this. It was creepy but really well written! Great job. I don't have anything you should improve on except in the beginning all the "he" and "him" things got confusing. I would try to make that a little more clear. Fantastic, though. Especially for someone who doesn't speak english as their first language. I'm really impressed.

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kestralspace

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Sun Mar 15, 2009 6:13 pm

kestralspace says... · Sun Mar 15, 2009 6:13 pm

English isn't your first language? Wow! You put my writing to shame and It is my native language!

Well...as every1 else seems to have done a grammer check...I won't bore you with another one! Though I will say I'm a little confused at what's going on...I does jump about a little and I had to read it twice before I got it...prehaps you need to do something about that?

You might want to do just slightly more description of the park...scare us slightly more....not that I wasn't scared anyhow but a bit more would have been nice!

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MySunshine

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Mon Apr 27, 2009 8:31 pm

MySunshine says... · Mon Apr 27, 2009 8:31 pm

Ember
Thank you so much for the review!
I know it's been ages, but I finally got around to upload the newest version

KailaMarie
Thanks for the review!
I'm so glad you thought it was creepy

I didn't know if it was enough (though I wrote that whole kidnapping scene a little more detailed now), because I've never written a creepy scene before.

I tried to change that, too, so no one gets the two men confused. I hope I did that a little better.
Thanks again

kestralspace
Haha, thanks

Yeah, I think it's kind of weird, because my English writing skills are even better than my German ones, although I technically grew up with German :lol:

I hope it's not as confusing before and it got a little more scary ^^
Let me know?

Thanks again to all who reviewed on this

MySunshine

♥And if you go, I wanna go with you. And if you die, I wanna die with you♥

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