Not Enough

I am inadequate.
Continuously reaching for shooting stars
Too far to even see,
I’ve convinced myself I feel them.
I feel stars, billions of light years away,
Calling my name and begging me
To catch them as if in a game
Of hide and seek?
They must be very good at hiding.
I guess.
I hope.
I hope not.
I’m clueless;
Not knowing where to go,
What to aim for,
Or who to love.
I’m a hypocrite
Advising…everyone.
I know how it should be
But I can’t…"be".
Inadequate

The Title felt just a bit generic and the poem itself came off as the same.

However I re-read it and changed my first impression, the work itself is actually pretty strong concerning whatever message or thought you are trying to get through to the reader, and it keeps a monologue-esque quality throughout, like it isnt really addressing anyone.

I liked it, but, and I say this to everyone, I felt it could have been a bit lengthier.

Also, your short description was a bit too curt for me.....Diddnt peak my intrest.

Hey! I'm dd9 and I'll be doing a little review today. :]

First of all, I have to say that I love the fact that you have an exclamation point at the end of your screen name! It makes me smile [s](not like that's hard to do.)[/s]

Alrighty, back to business.

Of hide and seek?

Did you mean to put a question mark there? It seems misplaced when reading through the poem. Unless there for a purpose, I suggest adding a period in its place.

I know how it should be

But I can’t…"be".

Inadequate

This is good, but the punctuation cofuses me. For some reason, I'm easily confused by punctuation marks today! Anywho, I'm confused where you have a period after "be". It seems like you are trying to imply that the narrator does not exist. At the same time, Inadequate seems misplace by itself at the end, especially because it doesn't have a period, or other punctuation mark, after it.

I’m clueless;

Not knowing where to go,

What to aim for,

Or who to love.

I really like this part. I can identify personally with this. :]

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Main Comment: This poem was really good. Aside from a few grammatical errors, this piece is really good. With some editing and revision, I can see it becoming even better! I really hope that you write more poems like this. I personally enjoyed it.

PM me with any questions. I'm always willing to help a fellow writer in need! (It's my destiny)

-dd9

Hi there Yatta! I'm June, and I'm going to review this for you .

Okay! So! This was decent. I think that this holds a definite potential to be able to elaborate further on. In a way, like Eraqio said, I think this was too generic.

That's not entirely a bad thing! Pick up any mixed literature book today, and you're almost certain to find a poem in there that's generic, right? There's nothing at all wrong with writing generic pieces, but it's just that the more specific/less generic pieces entertain the audience a lot more, dear.

I got a little confused while reading this. At the beginning, you state that you are inadequate. When we come to the end, it sounds like you're saying, "I can't be inadequate." I'm not sure if that's what's being said, but, whatever is being said here could use a touch of clarification.

That being said, this whole poem can use clarification, dear. I'm not saying that to sound negative or rude; I mean that positively.

For instance, in the line where you tell us you're a hypocrite, give us something around that to tell us what makes you hypocritical. Let the reader know that you are clueless other than giving it to us in a simple line, dear.

Also! Little suggestion: If you're going to use inadequate more than once in this poem, why not make it the title? I think that inadequate would fit this perfectly.

Another thing; why not use the stars again later on in the poem? It feels like you've turned almost completely away from the usage of stars here, so, if you were to refer to them again, perhaps at the end, it would give more of a complete feel to this.

Overall, dear, it was good. There are some weak spots (but don't worry! Every work in progress has those). If you need any help, you're absolutely welcome to PM me, dear.

Best --

June

It was alright. I think though that it lacks in some parts. There wasn't much emotion going on so it made the poem really bland. You said you were inadequate but it was merely stated and not described in the vivid ways of poetry.

Although I love the reaching for the stars line. It is generic but despite that I think you used it to the advantage of this poem.

Absolutely agreed, KnightlyAngel and June. This poem has some good ideas but the execution was found wanting. You need to show us what the speaker means by "inadequate." Heck, make it the title of the poem if that helps you to focus your thoughts! The piece feels like it should be longer; instead of summing up in the one word "inadequate," strive to show us what this implies in terms of images. Take the line:

"I am clueless."

This is ultra bland! We have no idea what the speaker means or where they are going with this. Images help you to develop the structure of the poem's argument, like my example below:

"I feel lost
in the maze of the eternal blue sky,
carrying no compass but the compass
of my wandering mind,
and the stars for indifferent company."

As you can see, now the idea of "cluelessness," without even saying the word, is expressed in much more detail and with greater vividness. Most importantly, I'm not summing up for you; I'm showing and not telling. And images are the key to that.

Hope this helps!

Gahks

I liked your poem. I like the way you wrote it. Sort of in a fantasising way, if you know what I mean.As if you have copied your exact thoughts into paper. But one thing that I thought was a bit odd was that you wrote "I hope." adn then right afterwrds you wrote "I hope not." as if you were correcting yourself. I don't know, maybe I have misinterpreted it. I also liked the way you repeated yourself in the end with "Inadequite". Overall I think that it was a really good poem! =)

Yeah, i agree. this poem is definitely "inadequate" (coincidentally so, too!). I don't remember posting it though....so it obviouosly isn't one that leaves an impression. Thank you all for the reviews, but this is one for the garbage bin.

I was...very impressed by this poem. I really understand what you're trying to say and I congratulate you on your good job. I know I'm just a new member and my opinion might or might not matter but i still want to tell you that this was truly excellent and I am off to read more of your poems.