Unfortunate

This is what happens when I get bored in math. It's not nearl as intertaining as the parodies others can come up with, but hey, there it is. It's very short, but please tell me what you think anyways. Thanks.

Unfortunate
I stood at the edge of the building, willing myself to take that last step forward. My heart held me back even as my head urged me on. I couldn’t move, I was frozen looking down at the people so far below me. They looked like ants from this height, so small and insignificant; something that one good stomp could take from this world. But it would be me that would resemble a squished ant if I took that last step.

I was in turmoil, deciding to move, readying myself, and then going back on my decision at the last second. I didn’t know how I wanted this to end.

I knew there were those that would miss me, those who wouldn’t want me to go, but I didn’t know how they’d feel when they found out what I was, what I had done. I couldn’t tell them, but I couldn’t keep it inside any longer. The secret was tearing me apart.

Would there be those who would love me, those who would still care? I didn’t know, but could I take the chance? Could I go on living on the hope that one or two of them could accept me for who I was? I knew I didn’t want to die, but what other choice did I have?

Maybe I could tell them, it would lessen the blow coming from me, but would they listen? How could they? My thoughts flew to the ones I loved as I recalled every aspect of them. The eyes of my mind roved over their faces studying them, the warmth, the compassion I could see even in my head. How would they feel when they learned I was dead? Would it be better this way?

No.

My death would do no more harm than them finding out the truth. If there was no one to accept me I could at least die knowing that, not wondering if I would be missed, if anyone would still care.
“Hey!” The sound of a man’s voice startled me and I started, surprised. Losing my balance and flailing my arms I took a step, and I fell.

All the agony of wondering was useless. My choice had been made for me.

Aw, man. He died.

Anyway, here are my nitpicks.

I couldn’t move, I was frozen looking down at the people so far below me.

Awkward sentence. I think you are missing a word, like a conjuction. Or, you could change the comma to a semi-colon. Whatever you want.

I really didn't want him to die. Or did he die? You didn't say anything if he did or not. He could have survived the fall.
But if he did, I wish he didn't. You could have done something with this and make it like he survives the fall or something.

Just a suggestion.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

I liked this a lot. It was very suspenseful, and I loved the tone you used for this. Love the ending. Just creates a depressing mood for this. And I like depressing. It sometimes makes me wonder why people need to see happy endings, even though it is clearly stated that it won't turn out with rainbows and sunshine. Okay, maybe not that extreme. But I only had one issue with this:

The secret was tearing me apart.

This kind of ruined a bit of the mood for me. Of course, only my opinion. You could elaborate on this a bit more, but that might ruin the whole atmosphere. Sigh. Maybe replacing 'tearing me apart' with something else might make it better. I don't know.

Well, great work on this! Love it. This type of writing is what I look for, these darkish themed ones. Hope to see more work from you in the future!

Hey.
Here's the thing: it was good. But, something about it seemed a bit tired. A bit, well, cliched. It wasn't so much the suicidal man jumping off the building thing (although that has been done before) but rather to way you wrote it. Each sentence felt, to me, unoriginal and lacking something.
I don't believe this is your fault, or any tarnish against you as a writer, but perhaps simply that you can never write something like this without your imagination harking back to previous stories similar to this.
Simply that didn't make sense, at least in my eyes, was that you wrote this is past tense, and yet the MC dies at the end, but still in the past tense. Unless he is meant to be narrating this from heaven/etc., I find it hard to comprehend. Maybe present-tense would have suited better, although notoriously hard to master.

I just feel... this has all been done before, you know? It was written fine but it left no impact. And suicide should leave an impact. I dunno---maybe you could tell the story from the point-of-view of the spectator, something different?

Hope this helped a little.

Lauren

Ahh, it feels good to get back to writing some reviews...

I stood at the edge of the building

I don't mean to sound nitpicky but uh, I'm assuming you mean roof of the building? Perhaps? uh..maybe there's a balcony? It didn't throw me off reading it, just a little bit more description will do me good.

something that one good stomp could take from this world.

Kinda awkward sentence. The "something that" and "take from this world" threw me off. Maybe delete "something that" and put "die" or any other similar world instead of "take from this world".

All the "thoughts" were intriguing yet somewhat repetitive. Honestly, I skipped a few sentences to get to the bang: if he would commit suicide or not.

Quite frankly, the "bang" disappointed me. Unlike Cat, I wanted him to die (?). Though the random guy scaring him is so.....random that I didn't really like it. I don't know if that makes sense or not. Maybe elaborate some more? My main problem is with the "randomness" not the concept though. I like the last sentence: "My choice was made for me."

Overall: AWESOME! I'm growing to love more and more short stories. They make you think more. Lovely.

- JC

Huh, it's interesting to see others points of view about this. For one, I would have never seen about half the things you are saying. To be honest, I don't think I'm going to rework this much, but I will definitely keep what was said in mind when I do. Thank you all.