I'm Drinking My Last Hurricane

I'm drinking my last hurricane
Like jamais vu on crack cocaine
Your hazel eyes drive me insane.

The chemistry is frying my brain
It's much too tangible to explain
I'm drinking my last hurricane.

To you I'm just another jane,
But electricity still remains
Your hazel eyes drive me insane.

Oh, that voice will be my bane!
I won't--I won't!--give in to pain,
I'm drinking my last hurricane.

And yes, I know your campaign-
Still, I'd follow you to Ukraine,
Your hazel eyes drive me insane.

What's the use? I can't contain
This feeling that just will not wane
I'm drinking my last hurricane
Your hazel eyes drive me insane.
*
Haha, I love Hannah. This is dedicated to her and a boy.
Edit: E_P is right, this is a villanelle, which is why there's so much repetition and rhyme and the lines are where they are. xD

I love you, Moomars! And I love this poem!! ~ Because it's fan-fricken-tastic~ <3

I really love this poem because that's a super spiffy line you have there about the hurricane and such. It's like a brand of beer, apparently, but also is poetic, because it's like a weather hurricane, and who drinks THOSE?

Anyways, some little rhythm things I noticed that are easily fixed {well, with the rhythm I have that I read it with...}

This chemistry is frying my brain

It's much too tangible to explain

I'm drinking my last hurricane.

Now, the first two lines match in rhythm amongst themselves, but not really with the rest of this amazing poem. I'd take out 'much' in the second line and then contract the 'is' into 'chemistry's'. xD

Oh, that voice will be my bane!

I won't--I won't!--give in to pain,

Umm, I think you can squish another syllable up into the first line... to fit the rhythm. xD I dunno what you'd put there... but something? xD

And yes, I know your campaign-

Still, I'd follow you to the Ukraine,

Huh. I think maybe you could slip in a mono-syllabic namey kind of thing between 'yes' and 'I', like 'and yes, dear, I know your campaign' or something like that. xDD Again, this is just the rhythm I read it with, so the one you wrote it with is probably different? xD -shrugs-

What's the use? I can't contain

This feeling that just will not wane

I'm drinking my last hurricane

Your hazel eyes drive me insane.

:C -sadface- We have to fix this last one. xD I like the word wane, but it seems kind of forced here. ;=; I have no suggestions though, because I love your poem too much.

Make other people suggest things!!

I love you, Moomars, and I love this poem!!!

-goldstars it-

<3 <3 <3

-Hannah-

Zomg!

I loved this. Well, I really must say that you didn't let rhyme eat up the message that you were trying to get across. This was very creative and it reminds me of a character in a book I'm writing. And I love this to pieces.

*clicks gold star*

Ta,

~Angel

Is this a villanelle? I'm not too familiar with those, but regardless, it's wonderful. I'm trying to find something wrong with this, but there isn't anything. The repetition is pulled off geniusly, and the rhyming is flawless. Amazing. Gold star. Ten million gold stars.
I loved this.

Hey Mars-Bars!

This poem is lyrical, almost like it should be a song. I like the excited, wild nature of the poem. There's one thing I really don't like though, and that's the constant repetition of "I'm drinking my last hurricane". When I first saw the line I was like, "wow! that's a cool line" but by the fifth time you say it, I'm not thinking that anymore. I'm a little exhausted with the line, and it seems dry now, not so wild. It starts draining excitement out of the poem.

I know the line is important for the three lines and "ane" rhymes you have in each stanza, so if you were to tone it down on the repetition, you would have to shorten the poem a bit and vary the rhymes in certain spots. I know that may not be what you want, but that line being repeated again and again just draws away from the interesting curiosity of the statement.

I would suggest rewriting with the exact same concept, but experimenting with the words and form more. Even keep a lot of the same lines if you want ("like jamais vu on crack cocaine" amused me!), but I suppose I just get turned off by so frequent repetition.

I hope this is helpful. PM me with anything! *loves*

~ Clo

wow that is so powerful that I cannot grasp or understand it! hmm...please, if you can, mail me an explanation, though I don't require one. I liked the flow and mysterious quality that I can't describe. The recurring lines of 'your hazel eyes drive me insane' seemed perfect in there, i suppose. I feel stupid, but then again thats what good poems do!

Little advice... Try to replace 2nd and 3rd verse...with each other...and the same with two last verses.

So...if you're trying to pull the rhyme through the whole poem then do so (3rd stanza)...

Oh, and a reply to ninja-Z: There is no good or bad poem. Somebody likes eg. your concept of poem, but somebody is more satisfied with some others. So you can just say that you liked it more than the rest of the poems here...

Great Poem. As I read it I could not help but imagine U2's "Get Your Boots On" as a soundtrack for your verses. Although since it is poetry it's potential is limitless. The funny thing is I have no clue who or what "jamias vu" is although I hardly care as reading this poem went very smoothly without any bumps on the first read. I just love the way you blended places, events, and even a natural 'disaster' together.

Absolutely brilliant,
Warm Regards,
-Elitehusky