First Chapter for Ingenue

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Do not want anybody to read this. Sorry.
Last edited by Ross on Sat Feb 07, 2009 2:51 pm, edited 4 times in total.
And we'll be a dream...

"Dee Dubbleyou." - BigBadBear




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Hey, deafwriter, Evi here! I saw that your poor chapter had no reviews, and wanted to fix that. So, hold on tight!

:arrow: Alright. I hate having to say this, but this really isn't going to quite do it as an opening chapter. I saw that that's what you intended it to be, but nothing in here screams read the rest of my story! You see? This is the average opening of two cousins waking up once their parents are gone, and though we can sort of see where the conflict could be going, we're not there yet and, frankly, we don't care.

You need to draw us in with something unusual. Show us why we should pay attention to these characters, why we should care about this plot, why your story is going to entertain us more than any other out there. This excert would work fine stuffed somewhere in chapters two or three, maybe, but not as your opening.

See? So, make us want to read this. Make us care, and give us something more than waking up and eating pancakes.

:arrow: In the middle of this, you substitute 'Chad' for 'Cody'. This shows that you didn't care enough to proof-read this, and that makes us even less likely to care about your characters. Why would we bother to read about people when the author can't even get their names right? Exactly. Proof-read next time. It's just a rule of thumb, and it should be automatic.

:arrow: Brace yourself, darling.

“Cody? Cody, they’re gone.”
My cousin made a soft groan and rolled over, murmuring something in his pillow.
“Cody! They’re gone!”
“Heard you,” Cody Anderson lifted his head, staring at me with a sleepy smile. “That’s good to know.”
“Thanks,” I sat on the edge of the bed. “So when are you gonna get up? It’s already 11.”


This is not natural dialogue. People don't reply with a 'thank you' in this situation. Put yourself in this scene, and act out each characters' lines; is that what you'd say/do here? Uh-uh. You know it, too. It's hard to come up with real-sounding conversations, we know-- that's why I'm here. To help. great, isn't it? :lol:

:arrow: In the part with them talking about sleeping in the bedroom, you could definately add some emotions. This girl (at least, I'm assuming it's a girl-- might want to clarify) would have some wild thoughts running through her head at this suggestion. Honestly, your cousin says you two are going to sleep in the same bed, and you hardly have any reaction? No way. She's either nervous, frightened. confused, excited...what would you feel? and, it's written in first person, so you can easily add some thoughts and emotions. That's the beauty of POV!

:arrow: All in all, this wasn't bad at all. It needs a lot of beefing up, though-- a lot. And, like I said, this would do wonderfully as a mid-story little chapter, but not as an opener. Characterize! Let us know your lovelies! You want us to love them, right? Show us who they are. As of now, their personalities are two-dimensional.

So, I realize that this is a very broad critique, but there's so much more you could do with this than what's write here. I hope I'm not being too harsh, love. I'd never want to come across as bratty in my reviews. PM me if you need anything, whether it's a look at the edit or an opinion of where to go from here!

Ta-ta,

~Evi
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.




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hey Ross! Max here, I have never read anything much like it. I've never read a gay romance, but this is my first time and I wanted to say, I liked it, it was very different, in a good way. Maybe you could discribe the charaters a little more. I feel like I have a connection with Justin, but not Cody. Don't ask why but it was just a feeling.

much love, PM me for questions/comments/talk.
Love you forever!

-Max
We're meant to be one
I know we are...
If I am the Sky
Then you are my star... ™




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Aww!!
-pouts-
When I saw this had 'Mild sexual content' I clicked it so fast I nearly broke my mouse!

But why don't you want anyone to read it?
:(
I really wanted to read some homosexual love scene( like the manga that always takes place in an osen )
But I guess I'm not aloud...
I was really looking forward too it.
Humph.
I guess I'll keep looking.

:(
:(
:*(

-Kookster out-
Poem Sig:
Flower that blooms on a cloudy day, please don't take the rain away.
Its all I have for the tears I've shed, All I've gained for the blood I've bled.



This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.
— T.S. Eliot