Mrs Jones - Chapter 2

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Hia. I'm back :D

Well, tonight I am posting my second chapter of 'Mrs. Jones'. I hope you like it! Please add comments :D


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CHAPTER TWO:
MEETING ALLISON POTTER


Amanda had trouble sleeping the following week. She didn’t go outside the house; she didn’t answer her phone or reply her texts. She spent Wednesday, Thursday and Friday in her room, not talking to anyone, just lying in her bed, staring in her roof. She had counted her spot-lights a million times, the number never changed.
Katie looked in at her several times a day; she checked if she was awake when she got up (she always was), she popped in with breakfast before she took off to work (but Amanda never ate anything), she went in to try to talk her into eating dinner when she got back home from work (unsuccessful), she came back after she had eaten dinner to get her to talk (Katie talked at first, but gave up after a while and just sat beside her, holding her hand). Then Lucas would come over and Katie left Amanda mostly alone for the rest of the evening - just popping in to check on her from time to time - then the last time before she went to bed (with a tray of cookies and diet coke, hoping she would eat something).
Saturday she ate. Katie had the day off and she sat down beside Amanda by the kitchen table as Amanda ate half a chicken which she found in the fridge. But still Amanda said nothing. She continued to have that distant look in her eyes, and all Katie got was grunts for answers.
When Amanda was finished she walked slowly back to her room, and Katie followed her with her eyes until Amanda was out of reach.
Katie sighed, rubbing her face with her hands, trying to think of some way to get through to her. She had always known that Amanda loved David, and that she cared for him, but it had never hit her how much - before now. As far as she understood it, they had never been dating. They had never been boyfriend and girlfriend.
She checked her watch. It was ten past two in the afternoon. She had a date with Lucas at three. She needed to get ready. She got up, heading for her bedroom, but then the phone rang.
It was David.
“Hi, Katie. Is Amanda in?” he asked cheerfully.
“Yeah, about that…” Katie started. David didn’t know about Amanda’s depressive state, and Katie was unsure that she should say anything about her to him. He would surely come over, and that did not seem like a good idea.
“Eh… She’s not very well, David. She can’t talk to anyone.” That part wasn’t a lie at least. Amanda hadn’t said a word since Tuesday.
“Oh,” David sounded worried, “is it contagious?”
“I’m not really sure, I don’t think so. But still…you can’t be too careful.” She tried to say this in a lighter voice, not to make David scared for Amanda’s health - so that he definitely would come over.
“Yes, you’re right! Allison’s not feeling so great either, maybe it’s the flu that’s going around again.”
He sounded less concerned. Katie agreed that the flu might be it. She knew that it was nothing the same as anything Allison had, but she had no better excuse for why Amanda couldn’t come to the phone.
“Shall I take a message?”
“No,” David answered, “I’ll try to call her back in a couple of days. It was nothing of importance. Just tell her that I said hi!”
“No problem.”
“Oh, are the twins back yet?” David asked just as Katie was about to finish their conversation. She checked her watch again.
“No, they won’t be back until Monday night.”
“Oh, right,” he suddenly sounded distant.
“Dave, is there anything wrong?”
“No, I just miss you guys; I haven’t seen Amanda in ages! And I guess you’re not free on a Saturday night?”
“No, I’m sorry; I’m going out with Lucas tonight. And I actually need to start getting ready.” She checked her watch again. “He’ll be picking me up in forty-five minutes.”
“Oh, right,” she heard him sigh, “Well, tell Lucas I said hi too, then.”
“I will. See you!”
“Bye…”
Katie hung up and hurried in to her bedroom. Luckily she had already picked out her outfit for the evening. She started to get stressed and by the time the doorbell rang she had forgotten all about how weird David had been on the phone. She looked in on Amanda, on her way out.
She was fast asleep.
Katie smiled, glad that she had finally been able to relax. Her night would be easier to enjoy, knowing that Amanda didn’t lie awake.

The same routine followed the next day. Amanda got up and ate a little bit, then went back to bed. Katie tried to talk to her, but there were no more answer in Amanda than there had been yesterday. Only grunts.
Still, Katie saw this as a progress. She ate, and she slept; the necessities of staying alive. And luckily Matt and Marcus was coming home tomorrow, maybe they could get some words out of her.
On Monday morning, Katie popped in to check on Amanda again, when she saw her sitting in bed, crying.
“Amanda?” she asked, standing in the doorway, not sure if Amanda wanted to talk or just be left alone.
Amanda didn’t answer so Katie took that as a hint and closed the door silently. She hadn’t taken one step before she heard a voice.
“Katie?”
She opened the door again, looking in, and Amanda was focusing on her.
“Yes? Hi, honey.” She walked in and sat on her bedside. “Can I get you something?”
Amanda shook her head. “What day is it?”
“Monday.”
“Are the twins back yet?” she dried her tears on the back of her hands.
“Not until tonight, sweetie. How are you feeling?” She took her arms around her.
“Better. I’m up for a shower though.” Amanda tried to smile.
Katie laughed, pleased that she was starting to see some of her old Amanda conscious again. “I was just heading for work, but do you want me to stay? I can call in sick?”
“No,” Amanda answered, rubbing her eyes and running her hands through her hair, “oh, I do need a shower. No, you should go to work. I’ll manage alone here for a couple of hours.”
“You sure?” Katie was still worried, even though it seemed like she was loads better. “It’s really not a problem, you know.”
“No, I couldn’t have that on my conscience as well, I’m sorry for my state the last…” she counted, “…wow, almost a complete week. I don’t know what was wrong with me.”
“You sure you’re better then?”
“Yes, loads better. I’m just in a great need of a shower, and I’m a bit hungry as well.” She rubbed her tummy, smiling. At least trying to smile. It wasn’t quite as convincing as she hoped it would be.
“OK. Look, call me anytime if you’re feeling worse or need to talk or anything. It won’t take me more than 15 minutes to get back home, alright? And there are some leftovers in the fridge.”
“Thank you.” Amanda tried to smile again, this time it almost went up to her eyes.
Katie looked in to her eyes, not believing Amanda would be all alright again, just like that. Still, there was no point in being her shadow. She got up and looked at her. “Call me if there’s anything!”
“Yes, I will! Now go.”
“OK,” she bent down and gave Amanda a hug, “it’s really great to have you back! See you.”
Amanda sighed as she moved out of bed; she heard the front door being shut and the key locking the door. She walked silently, yawning downstairs and went in to the bathroom.
She undressed herself and went in to the shower. Amanda exhaled as she felt the first drops of the hot water hit her body. She felt good, she felt the numbness fade away. She felt slightly like herself again.
As she showered, her thoughts wandered to the past week. Why had she had such a reaction to news? It was not like she didn’t know they were headed that way.
They had been together for three and a half years now. She knew people who had gotten married after knowing each other a shorter amount of time!
And why did she so truly believe that what they had agreed on twenty years ago still applied? She shrugged as she thought. Somehow she couldn’t quite shake the thought that it was a joke. She never saw David as the blonde-type of guy. His previous girlfriends had all been brunettes, which had always been a reassurance to her.
Allison Potter was blonde. Pure blonde. True blonde. No extra highlights. Not one colored hair straw. She had a very cute and flattering bob cut. Her face was heart-shaped. Her eyes were big and blue, with unnaturally long eyelashes. Her nose was little and cute. And her lips were thin, but fitted well in her gorgeous face.

Amanda had decided not to like her the day she had agreed to cook her dinner.
She would probably be a spoiled brat anyway, so hating her would be an easy thing to do, Amanda thought as she was putting the topping on the pizza’s.
“Need any help?” Marcus entered the kitchen and interrupted her thoughts.
“Nah,” she shook her head, “as you probably are aware of, all that’s left is the cheese.”
“I LOVE CHEESE!” Marcus’ hand was very quickly in the bowl, and it resurfaced with a good bunch of cheese.
“Hey!” Amanda slapped his hand, “Wait ‘till the queen’s arrived.”
“You don’t think much of her do you?” Marcus looked at her while stuffing his face with cheese.
“I haven’t met her yet…”
“And still you are so prejudice of her. It’s really not like you, Amanda.”
“I’m not prejudice, it’s just… Oh, come on, cheese-man!” She slapped his hand again, as it was on its way down the bowl again. “Thank you!” He removed his hand, knowing that it was a lost battle. “It’s just from what I’ve heard; she seems like the British version of Paris Hilton.”
“Don’t believe everything you read in your glossy magazines!”
“I don’t read those gossip magazines!”
Marcus raised his eyebrows, leaning on the counter.
“Alright, maybe some of them…”
Amanda was done sprinkling cheese and gave the bowl - that had a little cheese left - to Marcus.
“Oh, thanks!!” He ate it all on one mouth. And when his hand was done searching the bowl for more, he gave it back to Amanda.
“Yeh, you’re welcome!” Amanda replied sarcastically, as she put the bowl in the sink.
“Can’t you just give her a chance? She seems alright to me” He said licking his fingers.
“Yeah, but you’re a boy! Ugh, can’t you just wash your hands?”
“No, then there’s no taste left!” he gave Amanda a look like this was common-knowledge, “and what do you mean that I’m a boy? I mean aside from the obvious.”
Amanda put the two first pizzas in the oven, and set the timer. “I just mean that she’s very attractive…”
“Yes…”
“And usually the more gorgeous you are, the easier it is to manipulate your kind of species.” She started to set the kitchen table. “By the way, you think eating in the kitchen will be good enough for her?” She stuck her tongue out to show she was joking.
“Haha, very funny Amanda!” he said in a voice that showed he wasn’t all that amused, but he helped her. “And is that really how you think of us?”
Amanda just shrugged. It wasn’t how she really felt, but it seemed that way sometimes.
They finished setting the table in silence. Amanda knew Marcus was right. He always was. She sometimes wished that he was more like his twin.
The two of them looked exactly the same. They had the same gorgeous blonde hair, which had a beautiful – but natural – way of falling in little waves that framed their faces beautifully. They both had ice blue eyes, and a smile that could cheer up and comfort anyone. They were both tall and well built. But once you knew them it was fairly easy to tell them apart.
Marcus was the serious one. The reader. The intelligent one. The one with the deep thoughts. And the smartest one in the household, the smartest one Amanda had ever known.
Matthew on the other hand was the cheerful one. Funny, easy-going and content. He never tried to be anything he knew he wasn’t. He knew he was in no reach of his brother’s brain, but it didn’t bother him, he was who he was, nothing could change that.
They filled each other perfectly. And Amanda wouldn’t have anyone else as her best friends. She knew that they would always stick up for her, and always be there. But life wouldn’t be the same without David there as well.
“Oh, darn. I’m too late to help, aren’t I?” Matt stood in the doorway between the living room and the kitchen nook. A huge grin on his face that showed he had successfully timed his appearance.
“Yes, and the cheese is also gone!” Marcus replied with a smug look on his face. He knew exactly how to push his brother’s buttons.
Amanda laughed as she saw how Matt’s grin quickly changed in to a look of disappointment. “Sometimes it pays off when you’re willing to help,” she told him.
“But no one told me you needed help…” he tried.
Amanda just snorted and turned to check on the pizzas.
Marcus mimed to his brother: pretending to hold a bunch of cheese in his hands, raising in slowly and then lowered it carefully in to his mouth, chewing air in satisfaction, whilst rubbing his stomach with his free hand.
Matt’s eyes narrowed, and set after him. Marcus had known what was coming and ran past Amanda – who looked up from the oven, not surprised as she had gotten used to this brotherly rivalry after living with them for a while – Matt passed her soon enough and grabbed the dish towel from the counter. Matt flew after his brother out in the hallway. Amanda just sighed and started on the dishes.
Marcus came running in to the kitchen – his brother on his heels – slapping the towel after him.
Marcus saw his way out. He took the other dish towel and placed himself calmly beside Amanda, ready to help out with the dishes. Matt twirled his towel and smacked his brother, an easy target now that he stood still.
“Ouch!” he wimped as the towel hit him. Matt grinned again, very pleased with himself.
“Hey!” Amanda said in a firm voice, “none of that in my kitchen! Matt, here’s your chance to help as well.” Matt sighed, knowing there was no way out of this.
“OK.” He sighed, “What do you want me to do?”
“Here,” she handed him the brush, “you wash and rinse, while your brother dries and puts them where they belong.” She checked her watch. “And I got to change now. So do it properly. We don’t have time to clean up after you, so that means no water fights! Alright?” She pointed a finger at them, to show she was serious. Then she ran lightly up the stairs to her room.

“Wow! Do we need to dress up as well?” Matt sounded concerned as he was eyeing Amanda as she walked back in the kitchen.
Amanda was wearing a pair of black tights, with a beautiful white tunic over, her waistline covered in a big, but simple, black belt. Her hair was gathered in a loose ponytail, and her long bangs swept across her forehead and held in place by a pin.
“Yeah, you do clean up nicely.” Marcus said teasingly. “Any particular reason? I didn’t get the understanding that this was a formal dinner…” Marcus looked at her with his eyebrows raised. He had an idea of why she was a little too nicely dressed up.
Amanda just smiled and shrugged. “You clean up quite nice yourself.” Her eyes swept across the kitchen. All the dishes were gone. The countertops spot free. “Wow, I’m impressed. And you guys even took care of the pizza.” She sounded relieved and surprised. She had never seen any of them with a washing brush longer than two seconds. When they were supposed to wash, it always ended with loud water fights. And ten times as much work for Amanda.
“I must say you guys can when you want.”
Marcus laughed. “Not when we want, but when we’re forced to!”
“Well, remind me to force you to do more housework next time then!” she answered smiling to the twins.
“Oh, man! I knew this wasn’t a good idea.” Matt looked at his brother with a stern look. “I’m never trusting your judgment again!” He put the kitchen cloth nicely over the bar that separated the two sinks, and saw Amanda’s approving look.
“You’d make great housewives” she teased them. They started to say something, but then the doorbell rang.
“I’ll get it!” Marcus said, starting to run to the door.
“No, I’ll get it!!!” Matt said trying to fight his way through the kitchen door before his brother.
Amanda sighed. Boys will be boys! All this fuss over a girl. She shook her head in disbelief. If they were so keen to greet her before they’d even met her, how mad about her wouldn’t David be?
As the boys finally got through the entrance door opened. They twins straightened themselves up automatically, like their visitor had blue blood running in her veins. Amanda leaned to the doorway as David held the door opened for their billionaire-heir guest, Allison Potter.
Amanda had to admit, she was stunningly beautiful.
She was wearing a gorgeous white, old-fashioned cocktail dress with big red flower prints. She had a short, open, knitted, red cardigan over her shoulders and accessorized perfectly with a matching red hair-band, belt, purse and pumps.
She wasn’t as tall as Amanda had imagined, and her face was rounder than what it appeared to be in the magazines. “Photoshop” she thought to herself.
David had also dressed up a little for the occasion. He was still wearing his favorite pair of dark denim jeans and his white and black Vans shoes, which he had left the house in. But his “Mr. Strong” t-shirt was replaced by a black short sleeved shirt and a white tie, matching his shoes. Amanda knew that this sudden change could only be thanks to his new girlfriend…
“Guys, this is Allison,” David broke Amanda’s train of though. “Allison,” he looked at her proudly, and slightly blushing, “this is the twins, Marcus and Matthew,” he pointed at them to show her who was who; they raised their hand as he said their names as well to say hi. “And this is Amanda.” He grinned at her. She melted at the sight of him being so happy.
She moved forward, taking initiative. “Hi, Allison. It’s really nice to meet you!” she shaked her hand and smiled friendly at her.
She smiled back. “It’s really nice to meet you, too.”
The twins stood still, still smiling from ear to ear. For once they seemed to shy to speak. What was all this fuss about? She was only another human!
“Well, this hallway feels a bit crowded doesn’t it?” Amanda said, killing the embarrassing silence, “why don’t we move on to the kitchen, the pizza’s already done, so we shouldn’t let it get cold.”
“Oh, thank you. You know you shouldn’t have gone through any trouble for me though. I told him I could have you over at my place, but he insisted on bringing me here.” Allison entered the kitchen after Amanda followed by David, who held on to her waist, and the twins, still smiling. She looked around studying the red kitchen walls, the white cabinets and the dark wood countertops as she spoke. “It’s really a lovely kitchen!”
Amanda thought she sounded a bit sarcastic, but neither of the boys seemed to have noticed it, so Amanda let it pass. She wouldn’t do anything to ruin this for David; she could hate her in silence for the time being.
“Ehm, thanks,” she plainly answered, smiling to her again – she felt it was too formal, too stuck up for her own likings – she saw the twins started tripping, “Well, please sit down. I’ll just get the sodas…” she scoped the kitchen table, “Oh, and I see we have forgotten glasses.
“I’ll help!” David said, after he had pulled out the chair for Allison. Amanda wondered where the old David had gone to. “Thanks.” She just replied.
David went to the fridge and grabbed three different kinds of soda and put on the table. He gave Amanda a wink as he passed by her. She flexed, not being prepared for that. She knew it was only meant as a friendly gesture. A thank you, and that he thought this was going over all his imaginations. Still, she nearly lost the glass she had just taken out of the cabinet over the sink. She was struggling to manage carrying five big glasses in her two small hands, when David came back and took two in each of his hands.
“Thanks,” Amanda whispered to him and he just winked at her again. It took her a moment before she took a heavy breath and turned around. The smile she wore as she sat down between the twins, opposite David, was not the fake kind. This was real. She knew that it wouldn’t be long until the old David would be back again. He would grow tiered of his new doll soon enough. She could hold it out.
I’ll be back so soon you won’t have time to miss me. Look after my heart — I’ve left it with you.

Thinking can save your life, thinking too much can take it away - Tusker93




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Oh yay you posted it. Very good , I do have one comment thought , the beginning seemed to move a little fast , like a day a sentence.
But that is my only criticism. I like that Amanda hated Alison even before she met her and it made me hate her too! Stuck up cow lol .Oh and I love the twins. I think if they were really I would get on with them. I LOVE CHEESE TOO.

Cant wait for the next instalment.
Em
xoxo
Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop. - the king from alice in wonderland.
We'er all mad here.




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Hiya! Just thought I tell you that I did read Chapter one, even if I didn't review it. :D Here ae my nitpicks.

She had counted her spot-lights a million times, the number never changed.

Awkward sentence. I think you left out a word somewhere in there. Maybe putting but after the comma would help make it sound better.

“Not until tonight, sweetie. How are you feeling?” She took her arms around her.

Took doesn't sound right there. Put would be better to put there.

She would probably be a spoiled brat anyway, so hating her would be an easy thing to do, Amanda thought as she was putting the topping on the pizza’s.

It would help if you put thoughts in italics. That way you can easily see that they are thoughts.

He would grow tiered of his new doll soon enough.

Typo. Tiered is supposed to be tired.

One other nitpick - Please try to not use parenthesis unless it is a journal entry. :D

I liked it, though! Even if my nitpicks make it sound like I didn't, I did. I loved reading it and I can't wait to see the next chapter.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." ~ Lao-tzu

Attack, IM, or PM me at any time. I will respond. ;)




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Very nice chapter again ^^
I liked the way you described the relationships between Katie and Amanda and the twins.

Katie looked in at her several times a day; she checked if she was awake when she got up (she always was), she popped in with breakfast before she took off to work (but Amanda never ate anything), she went in to try to talk her into eating dinner when she got back home from work (unsuccessful), she came back after she had eaten dinner to get her to talk (Katie talked at first, but gave up after a while and just sat beside her, holding her hand). Then Lucas would come over and Katie left Amanda mostly alone for the rest of the evening - just popping in to check on her from time to time - then the last time before she went to bed (with a tray of cookies and diet coke, hoping she would eat something).

I think you can shorten this part. It's not really saying anything new, so basically, it's just a repetition.

Again, show us clearly, where the present story ends and the flashbacks begin. Also, I thought that the flashback was a little too long and detailled. It was nice how you described everything - especially the relationships, as I already said - but the point you want to bring across is what Allison is like, right?
So you should focus mainly on the encounter between Allison and Amanda, not as much on what happens before Allison and David arrive.

But I really like the storyline, and I hope you upload soon ;)
MySunshine
♥And if you go, I wanna go with you. And if you die, I wanna die with you♥




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Hi me again :D thanks for your PM! I liked this chapter too, it gave a littel more detail on the characters and again I really felt for Amanda! Heres your review :)

She didn’t go outside the house; she didn’t answer her phone or reply her texts. She spent Wednesday, Thursday and Friday in her room, not talking to anyone, just lying in her bed, staring in her roof.
Katie looked in at her several times a day


I think it should be reply to her texts and staring at her roof and looked in on her, I noticed that a few times little words were misused in this chapter but they're all things that can be easily changed and I'll try to pick them out as I go along :)

When Amanda was finished she walked slowly back to her room, and Katie followed her with her eyes until Amanda was out of reach.


I get what you mean when you say until Amanda was out of reach but I think it would make more sense to put out of her line of sight.

She started to get stressed and by the time the doorbell rang she had forgotten all about how weird David had been on the phone.


I'm not sure if you ment to put stressed or dressed, dressed would fit better although stressed would work only it sounds a bit clumsier.

Katie tried to talk to her, but there were no more answer in Amanda than there had been yesterday. Only grunts.


No more answer in Amanda does sound quite right to me, I'd say something like 'she recieved no more answers from Amanda than she had the day before'

And luckily Matt and Marcus was coming home


was should be were.


She opened the door again, looking in, and Amanda was focusing on her


A better way of putting this might be to say 'looking in as Amanda focused on her.'

She took her arms around her.


I think a better word than took could be used, such as wrapped or even put.

I couldn’t have that on my conscience as well


I don't think it would really be something you would have on your conscience if your friend was calling in sick, I know what you mean about her friend already having done so much for her but I think you could write it differently. For instance saying 'You've already done so much'. Thats just my preference though so don't worry about it if you think differently :)

Amanda tried to smile again, this time it almost went up to her eyes.


Reached might be better than went up to.

She felt good, she felt the numbness fade away. She felt slightly like herself again.
As she showered, her thoughts wandered to the past week. Why had she had such a reaction to news? It was not like she didn’t know they were headed that way.


You use she felt three times at the begining of this and although that can work well I don't think it does here. You could put instead 'It felt good; the numbness was slowly fading away. Amanda felt slightly like herself again.' or something like that.

When you say It was not like she didn't know they were headed that way it's not clear who you are talking about- its quite easy to pick up but I think you should put in Allison and David anyway.

Not one colored hair straw


I don't think you need straw on the end as it is already clear that her hair is blond.

but fitted well in her gorgeous face.


in should be on.

Amanda thought as she was putting the topping on the pizza’s.


This sentence sounds a bit clumsy to me- as she arranged instead of as she was putting might allow it to flow better.

Marcus entered the kitchen and interrupted her thoughts.


As its his entering thats interrupting her thoughs I would put Marcus entered the kitchen, interrupting her thoughts.

“Nah,” she shook her head, “as you probably are aware of, all that’s left is the cheese.”
“I LOVE CHEESE!” Marcus’ hand was very quickly in the bowl, and it resurfaced with a good bunch of cheese.
“Hey!” Amanda slapped his hand, “Wait ‘till the queen’s arrived.”
“You don’t think much of her do you?” Marcus looked at her while stuffing his face with cheese.


I love the whole cheese thing! I think it really lightens the mood, however I think you use cheese alot where it doesn't need to be- I don't think you need it after a good bunch as the reader will already know what your talking about and again you could just leave stuffing his face on its own without the with cheese on the end.

Marcus' hand was should be Marcus' hand went.

“And still you are so prejudice of her. It’s really not like you, Amanda.”
“I’m not prejudice, it’s just… Oh, come on, cheese-man!” She slapped his hand again, as it was on its way down the bowl again. “Thank you!” He removed his hand, knowing that it was a lost battle.


so prejudice towards her would make more sense.

I'm not sure about 'he removed his hand, knowing that it was a lost battle.' I don't think it fits that well, perhaps something like 'Marcus removed his hand, admitting his defeat' would make more sense.

They had the same gorgeous blonde hair, which had a beautiful – but natural – way of falling in little waves that framed their faces beautifully


I'd replace beautifully with something else as you have already used beautiful to describe their hair. You could use handsomely, charmingly, prettily or something similar.

Matt’s eyes narrowed, and set after him


I think you need to put and he set after him otherwise it sounds as if Matt's eyes chased his brother :)

And I got to change now


I should be I've.

Matt sounded concerned as he was eyeing Amanda as she walked back in the kitchen.


I don't think this sentence flows that well, perhaps 'Matt sounded concerned as he spotted Amanda walking back into the kitchen.'


You clean up quite nice yourself


If Amanda's referring to how they cleaned the Kitchen I think it should be You cleaned up quite nicely yourself.

She had never seen any of them with a washing brush longer than two seconds. When they were supposed to wash, it always ended with loud water fights. And ten times as much work for Amanda.


It should be washing brush for longer and ten times more work for Amanda.

“I must say you guys can when you want.”


I think you need to say what the guys can- you guys can work well when you want to.

“Well, remind me to force you to do more housework next time then!” she answered smiling to the twins.
“Oh, man! I knew this wasn’t a good idea.” Matt looked at his brother with a stern look.


smiling to should be smiling at and Matt looked at his brother sternly instead of matt looked at his brother with a stern look.

how mad about her wouldn’t David be


wouldn't should be would.

As the boys finally got through the entrance door opened


'the front door opened' would make more sense than just door opened.

like their visitor had blue blood running in her veins. Amanda leaned to the doorway as David held the door opened for their billionaire-heir guest, Allison Potter.


running through instead of in would flow nicer and Amanda leaned on the dorrway instead of to.

her face was rounder than what it appeared to be in the magazines.


how instead of what.

his white and black Vans shoes, which he had left the house in.


Do you mean Amanda's house? If so I would make it clearer by saying something like which Amanda had last seen him in instead of which he had left the house in.

“Guys, this is Allison,” David broke Amanda’s train of though. “Allison,” he looked at her proudly, and slightly blushing, “this is the twins, Marcus and Matthew,” he pointed at them to show her who was who; they raised their hand as he said their names as well to say hi. “And this is Amanda.” He grinned at her. She melted at the sight of him being so happy.
She moved forward, taking initiative. “Hi, Allison. It’s really nice to meet you!” she shaked her hand and smiled friendly at her.
She smiled back. “It’s really nice to meet you, too.”
The twins stood still, still smiling from ear to ear. For once they seemed to shy to speak. What was all this fuss about? She was only another human!


I got a bit confused about who her and she was referring to throughout this as you change it from Amanda to Allison. I think you need to make it clearer by adding their names at times or for instance where you say he looked at her proudly you could put he looked at his girlfriend proudly.

Shaked should be shook.

she saw the twins started tripping, “Well, please sit down. I’ll just get the sodas…” she scoped the kitchen table, “Oh, and I see we have forgotten glasses.


I'm not sure what you mean by the twins tripping.

Scoped should be scooped and there's a missing speech mark at the end of forgotten glasses.

David went to the fridge and grabbed three different kinds of soda and put on the table. He gave Amanda a wink as he passed by her. She flexed, not being prepared for that. She knew it was only meant as a friendly gesture. A thank you, and that he thought this was going over all his imaginations.


It should be put them on the table.

I don't understand what you mean by the last sentence.

I love how the chapter ends! I really like this story so far, I know I've written alot but thats mostly down to that there was alot to review and they are all generally small things :D I can't wait for the next part!! Hope I've helped :)




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Guys, thank you soooo much. It really helps to get other words in. Sometimes I can see myself blind on my own text, not really noticing how much i might use one word. I've edited the first chapter now and will post that. And I'll edit this chapter as soon as i get the chance.
I'm working all of next week so don't expect too much this week.

And chapter three: It's finished, but chapter four isn't. And i like to stay at least one chapter ahead =)

But guys. thank you! I greatly appreciate it, and you!!!
I’ll be back so soon you won’t have time to miss me. Look after my heart — I’ve left it with you.

Thinking can save your life, thinking too much can take it away - Tusker93




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Gosh I'm late on this! But, I did say I'd do it. :D (Next time you post a chapter, send me a PM! I'm having too much fun with this not to do it. ^_^)

Nit-picks have been nicely covered.

Names and pronouns When dealing with a conversation between two people of the same gender, in third person, you have to use proper names a whole lot more often. When Allison and Amanda are speaking, you should put a few more proper names in there so we're not totally confused. ;)

Another thing, "Allison" and "Amanda" are pretty close. I've know characters that have stopped talking to me because I've changed their names (:P) but, just something to keep in mind when writing is not to have two people (of the same gender especially) have their names start with the same letter. ;)

Characters: Allison could use a bit more description on her part. She seems rather flat at the moment, and since she's the main rival, it would be good if she had some dimension. ^_^ Other then that, your characters are very well done. I just love the Twins. :D I'm wondering why they aren't the focus of Amanda's attention. :D I'd certainly go for them!

Tags: You just happen to have all your tags after the dialogue. Now, I'm not saying to go through and change all those "said tags" to something else, just letting you know that doing that too much feels a bit wooden. Mix things up between action tags and dialogue tags to keep thing interesting. ;)

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Thanks Rosey! =)
I’ll be back so soon you won’t have time to miss me. Look after my heart — I’ve left it with you.

Thinking can save your life, thinking too much can take it away - Tusker93




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Hey! Can i just say i think your story is brilliant so far.

"If they were so keen to greet her before they’d even met her, how mad about her wouldn’t David be?"
Do you mean "would"? It would make more sense.

The second to last sentence - a misspelling. "Tired"

Apart from those really small mistakes I think it is wonderful. I know exactly what is going on, how your character feels and, while we're on the point of Amanda, you've gotten the reader on her side immediatly, disliking David's new girlfriend. Great job!

Keep writing!

~ EmmaJane ~
Your = Possession. Your shoes are so sweet!
You're = Omission. You're quite strange...

If you are confused about which to put, simply say in your mind "you are" and see if that fits the sentence. If not, you are looking for your.

Little Macey | Got YWS? | KOTS:BD



Poetry and prayer are very similar.
— Carol Ann Duffy