Luck and Jealousy

You speak,
With the spotlight in your eyes,
All you can see are falsities.
The words you cast,
Are dusting those empty hearts,
With faux love.

We must laugh,
And smile,
Pretending not to feel,
The empty ditch of jealousy.
Burning through like the paper,
Wrote on with your unfulfilled words.

Attracting the bees with something better than honey,
Lure them in with the promise of streets lined with gold,
Take what you have for granted.
The adoration of everyone’s heart,
Can just be another page in your book of success.

Words are as quick,
As the assumptions your eyes make,
Everyone is tied around your finger,
A fragment of a string,
To remind you, that life is your stage.
It’s just your words,
Strung together as parts of a story.
Its all yours,
Every last piece, to cherish and hold,
Or
To forget and destroy.

Burning through like the paper,

Wrote on with your unfulfilled words.



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Before I start my review, I just want to remind you about the 2:1 rule that applies at YWS. 2 reviews for every 1 piece you post. :] It looks like you're following it, and I must thank you for helping the people with your advice.

I liked your piece in general. I though it was thoughtful and sweet. Here are my critiques:

Take what you have for full granted

What do you mean by this? I think you mean to say "for granted". For some reason "full granted" seems out of place and a bit confusing. I also think you should place a period at the end of the sentence.

The adoration of everyone’s heart,

Can just be another page in your book of success.

I absolutely love this!!! It's such a dark, touching line with a deep note of truth. The underlying message is clear and real. I think you did a fantastic job with this. This line really sets your poem apart.

As the assumptions your eyes make,

Period instead of comma after make.

Its all yours,

Every last piece, to cherish and hold,

Or

To forget and destroy.

I really liked this ending. I think it sends the message of the poem succinctly.

Overall: I thought this poem was honest and sent a good message. Not really a "postive" message, but a true one. I can't really say what I specificly liked about it. I liked it as a whole, I guess.

Favorite line: Attracting the bees with something better than honey,

Lure them in with the promise of streets lined with gold,

^loved the analogy!

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Feel free to PM me with any questions! I'm always willing to help.

-dd9

Thank You very much, your reviews are very helpful!

Ahh, this is great. The lines "we must laugh, and smile, pretending not to feel" really spoke to me. Also, the empty ditch of jealousy is such a vivid image. This poem is kind of dark in a light-hearted way. I absolutely love the ending too. I can just relate to this poem a lot, I think it's great.