Words

I don’t like who I have become,
It never use to be this way.
My words are guns loaded to paper with a merciless trigger.
I look at myself from the world’s perspective and feel so ashamed of what I’ve done.
I own the thoughts and the words that have been spoken,
But I never could understand that the effects of such actions would spiral from it
All I have are the ruins of my disaster, ready to be taken and rebuilt.
Words are freight trains headed for the wreck, who knows what will happen next.






I hardly have a clue about writing poems, so your critiques are very much appreciated!

This piece is really good and it has a lot of potential. I only have a few critiques.

I look at myself from the world’s perspective and feel so ashamed at what I’ve done.

I think this would have greater feeling if it was made into two sentences instead of one. "of" instead of "at". You are ashamed of something, not ashamed at.

Example:

I look at myself from the world’s perspective,
And feel so ashamed of what I’ve done

- - - - - - --

All in all, I think you have a great start. My main advice is that you try to rewrite it and make it flow better. At the moment, you have many lines that all stand independently from each other, but you want to try and make them become connected some how.

I really like this, though!! Don't get me wrong. :]

If you have any questions, PM me. Also, I'd love to read more of your work. Let me know when you post more.

Hope I helped!

-dd9

I thought that this poem had a lot of depth and a intake of how people react to there decisions of how they are. It was very insightful. I enjoyed this piece a lot. I feel that it had pretty good voice. Keep it up.

A first poem huh? I'll try not to be to harsh. mwa ha ha....

Okay so first off I would suggest splitting some of your lines up. Alot of them are simply to long and would work if they were apart. For example:

I look at myself from the world’s perspective and feel so ashamed of what I’ve done.

I look at myself,
From the world's perspective
And feel ashamed,
Of what I've done.

But that is up to you, my dear to chose. I think it would just flow better with shorter lines though. Also I suggest that you keep a steady rhthym. Your lines as they are really don't carry a steady beat. You really have more of a sentance in each line in this. I also think that you could take out some of the many adjetives and put in some imagery.

So, this has potential, it just needs some editing. Keep writing these poems, and remember that practice makes perfect.

~Alyss

Thank you guys so much, you all are so helpful! :-] I edited it a bit, so should I replace the edited version with my old one?

OM... G.

You are stepping on my face! I am Earth!

I am Earth.

Heya... I really liked your poem! It was way better than mine!! (Mine is called "The Wind" and is inOther Poetry, in case anyone wants to check it out)
I really liked your poem but maybe next time you could break it up into stanzas???
Sorry, I'm doing Poetry in English at the moment and am trying to put off writing my essay about ballads =P
But, yeah, essentially really good. Do you write a lot of poetry?

jaimemariexo wrote:I don’t like who I have become(;)
It never use to be this way.
My words are guns loaded to paper with a merciless trigger.
I look at myself from the world’s perspective and feel so ashamed of what I’ve done.
I own the thoughts and the words that have been spoken,
But I never could understand that the effects of such actions would spiral from it(.)
All I have are the ruins of my disaster, ready to be taken and rebuilt.
Words are freight trains headed for the wreck, who knows what will happen next.






I hardly have a clue about writing poems, so your critiques are very much appreciated!

Hi Jaime ^^ Shina here I'll be your reviewer today. Since everyone else covered just about everything, I'll back them up on this. You should break up the lines to increase the flow. The lines seem to just drag on and on, and I'm not even sure where it's going. At first, the point of this poem is hard to get to. But if you look very, very closely you can find it. So this poem would be more directed towards an intelligent audience? Or an observant?

~Shina

I like this, especially the last line. But, this doesn't quite strike me as a poem. I'm sure you could add to it ^-^, elaborating more on these disaterous effects, and maybe break up the lines to give it a more "poetic" look. I second everything that has already been said, and I'd like to add that this is certainly better than my first attempt at a poem lol. Good work