Bloodlust - Chapter One

** I am no longer using YWS but I'd like to say thank you to everyone who commented on my work and helped me to improve it - you guys are seriously amazing and I love you all. Thank you!! xx **

Hey, luc! I'm working on your Titleless Story as we speak but I decided to give you an extra review since I'm taking so long

But not guilty enough to defy my body of what it craves.

It took all my strength to stop myself from gagging. I took solace in the fact that he would be dead soon.

Ooo, I like this! She can't even stand to kiss a human male... nice touch =]

How many humans had I killed now? I’d lost count.

Okay, this comment I'm going to make isn't about the statment above but since it's abou the ending, I put it there anyway I don't like how she drinks his blood in the middle of the town. Isn't she afraid that people will see her?

Anyway, I have to go now.

Hopefully this helps!

Simply wonderful. I know your looking for critique, but I really have nothing to offer (and I'm usually an over-critical sort of person). This just flowed so nicely, I forgot I was supposed to be analyzing. Seriously, you've got talent. I especially liked that it was descriptive enough for me to get the picture, but at the same time it was neither over-done nor did it impede my ability to imagine the scene myself. Excellent job, and I am SO looking forward the the rest of the book.

I like it. The only thing I would work on is that is sounds really...sharp. Like, technical almost. But since it's a vampire their minds are really calculating...but I like it. Keep it up!

I really liked it, kept me scrolling down. Everything flowed together , i felt like i was reading a book from the library. Keep up the good work.

I'm in love, with your story. It's great. I can't think of anything to criticise.
I really can't. :O
Keep on writing ! xD

Hello Lucyy. I shall be your reviewer this morning.

Frost covered the grass, giving it a silver sheen under the dimly lit streetlights. I had managed to find myself some small black shoes, so my feet were protected from the bitter ice that swathed the pavements. Not that I would have been able to feel it.

Excuse me while i praise you on such a wonderful opening paragraph....Using the character senses isnt really seen around here sometimes...its good to finally read something so wonderfully written. Yay!
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But not guilty enough to defy my body of what it craves.

EEP! Conjuctionsssss. There is no need for the filthy word. XD
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Immediately, I placed myself in hunting mode and swiftly inspected the man stood in front of me.

I believe you meant, standing in front of me. using stood wouldnt make sense.
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“Of course.” I smiled back,

He asked if the seat was taken, so 'of course' i believe, would be the wrong thing to say. Something like, oh, i dont know. no? lol.
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And then I bit him; drank his blood until he could breathe no more. Until he was dead.

AND!?!?!?!?!? another one of those filthy conjunctions. Also, she. just. bit. him. You explained this so far SO well, then bleh bite num num num? eek.

So far, so good. I like the fact that she won't fall in love with a human, because, well, there are enough of those going around these days. I personally liked it. XD nice job

Alright, a strong critique... hmm, well first I'll just simply put, this is fairly well written and very interesting to read about. From what I've read, the plot is pretty interesting and you do have a writer's talent.

Now onto the critique.

I had managed to find myself some small black shoes, so my feet were protected from the bitter ice that swathed the pavements. Not that I would have been able to feel it.

I'm like how you explain things in this story but this kind of confused me in a sense. Not saying its wrong, but it says that she needed the shoes to block her feet from the bitter cold. If she cant feel it then why does it matter so much?

The mixture of rainbow colours and brightness were mesmerising.

I believe the were should be a was.

The small stores and businesses, and the pub and small hotel were connected by the arrangement of lights threading themselves along the rooftops and guttering, and wrapping themselves around thick green conifers and streetlamps.

The sentence seems kind of run-on. Either try shortening it or take some of the 'ands' out.

Rolling my eyes at his stupidity I surveyed the village around me: it was dark and empty.

There is nothing wrong with this sentence persay, its just you tend to over use the ';''s. Having one of those every couple chapters would make sense but you have them after a couple paragraphs and they are pretty unnecessary if you know how to place the sentences correctly.

And then I bit him; drank his blood until he could breathe no more. Until he was dead.

There is no need in putting the 'Until he was dead'. We can all guess as much when it says he stopped breathing. It just sounds very unnecessary.

I did very much enjoy this chapter. It was interesting and it caught my attention quickly which I liked. I also like this vampire character that you created. She sounds very sinister, so I'm curious to see how she turns out in the end.

If you want me to review anything else, I would be glad to do so. Just PM me and I'll review!

Thank you all for your amazing reviews and critques and thank you sooo much for the time you've taken to look over my work, I can't tell you how much it means to me Thank you, thank you, thank youuuu!!! =D xx

THERE IS NOTHING TO RIP APPART! Just a couple pointers and pokes. You asked for a review that would rip apart your work. You gave your characters personalities, the shy guy, the confident vampire,good mix. You should have Peter tell her what his friends dared him to do. Another thing that I noticed was that I couldn't distinguish if the vampire was male or female at first, (you might have wanted it that way). But I also think it would add to the story if you had her go through a couple guys, some too buff, too thin, too etc. (maybe she could just look at them from across the room to size them up). Other than that I think it is absolutely awesome! awe as in I am in awe. I really want to read the next chapter! I am hooked! maybe caught

First of all ,I'm new to writing critiques ,I've written a few for other sites ,though.

Okay ,so I really liked ,how discriptive it is and how you've managed to actually develop a believable character. It was amazing that ,even though she was of a different species than our own ,you actually managed to create her and make her seem believable ,to BE her ,so to speak.

I agree with the people above me ,you DO have talent. Your writing is beautiful and I really love it.
I think you should keep it up .This story is really good. I like the title ,too. Although ,I think I've heard it somewhere... but may be it's just me. You should look into that.

Great Story ! Keep it up!

Thank you both so much for your reviews. It really means a lot to me that you took your time to read and review this, so thank you (:

stelagineva -- I'm so glad that you think she's a believable character *beams*. Aww, thank you so much *beams even more as I read back over your post* you're so kind. << extra happy lucyy

wordartisan -- Wow, thank you for your tips, I may have to take you up on them , so thank you so much for them =D . Haha, love the emoticon =P, and I'm so glad you liked it, and it made you want to read more. There is a Prologue to this you may want to check out...

Thank you again to both of you!!
--Lucyy xx

Immediately, I placed myself in hunting mode and swiftly inspected the man stood in front of me.

Wouldn't "that stood before me" have sounded better?
and... that's it. =O
I can't think of anything else to really critique.... Your story flowed so smoothly, and I'm still in awe. I wasn't planning on reading all of it (seeing as vampires have become cliche after Twilight), but your story still managed to hook me and I couldn't stop reading until I finished it. And then got mad because there wasn't anymore for me to read. xD
Keep writing though! It's really really good and I'm totally hooked.

I'm so sorry that this turned into one of those useless "I loved it" comments! >.<

Rhiannon, thank you so much for taking your time to read and review it, and don't worry!! It's always nice to hear people like your work, hehe =P . Thanks again for taking your time to read this, I'm ever so grateful to you!! =D
--Lucyy xx

Hallo there! I was drawn in by the interesting title, and after I'd skimmed the story, I decided to go back and point out the things I'd noticed - and maybe add in a tip or two. I don't have a ton of time, so 'm sorry if I miss anything. ^_^

Frost covered the grass, giving it a silver sheen under the dimly lit streetlights. I had managed to find myself some small black shoes, so my feet were protected from the bitter ice that swathed the pavements. Not that I would have been able to feel it.

I love opening my stories with bits like this. It gives the reader an immediate picture to fix in his/her mind, and this was neither too wordy nor too spare. Yet... there's something sort of off in the second/third sentences, that I can't quite put my finger on. Maybe the way you phrase it, kind of pushing the reader into your MC's mind in such a sudden way. She's wearing little black shoes to protect herself from the ice that she doesn't actually need protection from, so we now can safely guess she's either a werewolf, vampire, or some other freak mutant ninja-- erm, you get the point, I think. So, see if you can mix that up, make it a little less INYOURFACE, yes?

It must nearly be Christmas, I thought to myself, looking down at the village that lay beyond me.

Please put thoughts in italics. I don't think it's incorrect to do otherwise, but the sentence just doesn't flow the same way when there aren't italics. Also, maybe switch out 'beyond' for 'before.' It'd make more sense, I believe.

“Excuse me, Miss, but is this seat taken?” I was pulled from my silent observation of the bubbly drink to see a man smiling friendly down at me.

“Of course.” I smiled back, gesturing towards the seat opposite me. He sat down and extended his hand towards me.

This happens to me all the friggin' time! You have a little paragraph in between dialogue that describes something or talks about the MC's thoughts, and then you forget, in your hurry to move on with your story, exactly what the preceding dialogue was. Unless you live in some parallel universe where 'of course' means 'no,' you should probably change that. (If I wasn't clear enough, I mean, he asked if the seat was taken, not if he could sit there. And she said, presumably, Yes, it's taken. Please sit down. See what I mean? So change either the question or answer so they fit, 'kay?) Oh, and 'smiling friendly' isn't going to work there. I know what you meant, but maybe 'nervously' would fit better. Since 'friendlily' is so awkward-sounding.

Also, before I bow out here - you didn't really describe Peter. You said he was sheepish, that he wasn't fat or skinny, but tall and a little bit muscled. What about his eyes? Are they flat and stupid, eager and naive, hungry and sort of... fake? What about his voice? Is it unusually high due to anxiety, or so quiet she almost can't hear it? What about his hair? Is it greasy and dread-locked, or short and fuzzy, or black shot through with white-blond?

Well, that's it, I must go. I'm glad I came, but just the same, I must be going. I'd love to stay, but anyway, I must be going - ta-ta!

-SELA

P.S. And, of course, I wish ye very good luck with the story. 'Tis just my kind of vampire - evil, heartless, and selfish. Or so I've gathered. xD